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Perfectly Undone
Jamie Raintree
Sometimes you have to lose your way to find yourselfDr. Dylan Michels has worked hard for a perfect life, so when her longtime boyfriend, Cooper, gets down on one knee, it should be the most perfect moment of all. Then why does she say no?For too many years, Dylan's been living for her sister, who never got the chance to grow up. But her attempt to be the perfect daughter, perfect partner and perfect doctor hasn't been enough to silence the haunting guilt Dylan feels over her sister's death—and the role no one knows she played in it.Now Dylan must face her past if she and Cooper stand a chance at a future together. But when Cooper makes a startling confession of his own, can Dylan find the courage to define her own happiness before her life becomes perfectly undone?Set among the breezy days of a sultry Portland summer, Perfectly Undone is a deeply moving novel of family secrets, forgiveness and finding yourself in the most surprising of places.Readers love Raintree:“An emotional rollercoaster journey to self-forgiveness and love”“fantastic debut for Raintree”“Emotional, Vivid, and Relatable!”“The writing is descriptive and genuine”
Yes is such a little word...
Dr. Dylan Michels has worked hard for a perfect life, so when her longtime boyfriend, Cooper, gets down on one knee, it should be the most perfect moment of all. Then why does she say no?
For too many years, Dylan’s been living for her sister, who never got the chance to grow up. But her attempts to be the perfect daughter, perfect partner and perfect doctor haven’t been enough to silence the haunting guilt Dylan feels over her sister’s death—and the role no one knows she played in it.
Now Dylan must face her past if she and Cooper stand a chance at a future together. But when Cooper makes a startling confession of his own, can Dylan find the courage to define her own happiness, before her life becomes perfectly undone?
Set among the breezy days of a sultry Portland summer, Perfectly Undone is a deeply moving novel of family secrets, forgiveness and finding yourself in the most surprising of places.
JAMIE RAINTREE is a voracious student of life, which is why she became a writer, where she could put all that acquired information to good use. She is a mother of two, a wife, a businesswoman, a nature lover and a wannabe yogi. She also teaches writers about business and productivity. Since the setting is always an important part of her books, she is happy to call the Rocky Mountains of Northern Colorado her home and inspiration. Visit her at www.jamieraintree.com (http://www.jamieraintree.com).
Perfectly Undone
Jamie Raintree
Copyright (#u2d90fb73-6b87-5820-b41d-4b2ae9f41271)
An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2018
Copyright © Jamie Raintree 2017
Jamie Raintree asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition © January 2018 ISBN: 9781474083614
Version: 2018-01-05
Praise for Jamie Raintree’s Perfectly Undone
“From page one, Perfectly Undone is a lush and emotional journey through grief, guilt, forgiveness, and healing. Jamie Raintree portrays the struggle of a life coming undone with empathy and honesty, gently guiding us through the labyrinth of desire and love; a beautiful debut from a vivid voice in women’s fiction.”
—Patti Callahan Henry, New York Times bestselling author
“A touching story of resilience, hope and, above all, forgiveness. It’s one woman’s journey back to the origin of her passions, the haunting events that shaped her dreams and the people who left the most indelible marks on her heart.”
—Marilyn Brant, New York Times bestselling author
“Many women have walked the line between career and love, family and self. Raintree handles the balance with grace and wisdom. Her writing is clear and crisp, the emotion raw and without melodrama. From family secrets to heartbreaking lost love, the characters felt like old friends by the end. Highly recommended.”
—Kate Moretti, New York Times bestselling author
“Smoothly written with palpable emotion, Jamie Raintree’s debut, Perfectly Undone, is a thought-provoking tale where one woman must come to terms with the secrets, expectations, and choices that will shape her life. Raintree is a fresh new voice not to be missed.”
—Laura Spinella, bestselling author of Ghost Gifts and Unstrung
“In her debut novel, Jamie Raintree renders a touching family drama that reminds us of the simultaneous fragility and strength of relationships. With a kind touch, Raintree taps into our deepest fears, yet in the end left me full of hope.”
—Amy Sue Nathan, author of The Glass Wives and The Good Neighbor
“One lush word at a time, Jamie Raintree draws us deep inside the protections of a broken heart, giving fresh perspective to the thin lines between caring and nurturing, ambition and distraction, the flash of desire and the permanence of love. These characters will live on within me. A must-read.”
—Kathryn Craft, author of The Art of Falling and The Far End of Happy
“Perfectly Undone is a wise and thoughtful novel about the ways the people who love us can hurt us, and the journey to forgiveness both for others and for ourselves.”
—Bethany Chase, bestselling author of Results May Vary and The One That Got Away
“At once a cautionary tale about the ways in which we try to hide from grief, and a love story about family and the healing power of forgiveness, Perfectly Undone is an emotionally complex tale of unresolved grief and the secrets we keep, both from those who love us and from ourselves.”
—Lorrie Thomson, author of What’s Left Behind and Equilibrium
To my husband,
the hero of my story
Contents
Cover (#ud05075f9-9c3e-5bce-90ac-d83c397a87c7)
Back Cover Text (#u40d8419e-80db-5a83-8f1c-bd0df8015a5e)
About the Author (#u3f766a07-4777-5e5d-bcc9-25d95dc5a55c)
Title Page (#ue07aeb01-647c-5efb-8a5b-c34a413dacf3)
Copyright (#u80e511a9-d0aa-5382-9893-ca1bd0854023)
Praise (#u455e5e59-0cad-56d4-ad4e-915489fe4ad6)
Dedication (#u53452084-16b5-561e-80c1-24e6e317d7f7)
Chapter 1 (#u9842f94e-dcc5-5a0a-970d-099b2721a7cc)
Chapter 2 (#ud4b8eded-32b5-56da-80e6-50cc2b64e5b1)
Chapter 3 (#u7d70794a-785d-5fe7-9a09-a321fe953638)
Chapter 4 (#u6221e237-c96e-5262-8fa7-d213d71a7d52)
Chapter 5 (#ud25dc984-1f90-5130-a568-5f6dafa056fd)
Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 10 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 11 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 12 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 13 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 14 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 15 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 16 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 17 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 18 (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgments (#litres_trial_promo)
Reader’s Guide Title Page (#litres_trial_promo)
Questions for Discussion (#litres_trial_promo)
Extract (#litres_trial_promo)
1 (#u2d90fb73-6b87-5820-b41d-4b2ae9f41271)
Some things can never be forgiven.
This thought flashes down my spine like lightning. The rain thunders overhead with the same rhythm as my heartbeat as I sit at the dining room table I bought together with the man I love, in the house we’ve shared for the last two years.
Can they? I ask myself, consuming every last inch of him with my eyes, as if it will be my last chance.
Cooper.
On one knee.
His blue eyes tense, waiting for my answer.
Those stubborn strands of blond hair fallen over his forehead.
“Dylan?” he presses.
I shake my head—not an answer, a try at clarity. It comes.
We can’t start a marriage based on secrets.
“I can’t give you an answer,” I whisper in a voice that isn’t mine. His eyebrows furrow, unsure of whether or not he heard me correctly. I can’t stick around to watch understanding take over his features. He can’t push me into this one. I place the fork in my hand back on the table with forced precision, then attempt to pull my fingers from Cooper’s grasp. “I’m so sorry. I love you, but I can’t.”
Still he won’t let me go. The fact that he knows he isn’t going to get the answer he wants and he still doesn’t want me to leave pushes a sob from my lips.
“Cooper,” I cry, but I pull myself free, stand and cross the living room. I wrench open the front door, no shoes, and walk out into the rain without looking back.
The storm hits me with a force that shocks me, making me feel more awake than I’ve been in years. I don’t know what I’m walking toward or what I’m running away from, I just feel the wet earth against the soles of my feet, holding me up, pushing me on. My breath comes quickly, and the spring air is so new, it forms a cloud in front of my face with every exhalation. I rush forward, rain and tears mixing together on the palette of my cheeks. I reach the road, follow it with my eyes until it disappears in both directions and realize I’m in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to go and not a single person I can turn to.
My hair sticks to my face, the mud to my clothes.
With no one to hear, I ask myself what I’m doing, how I got here. Don’t I have everything I’m supposed to want?
With no one to notice, I wonder if I’m wasting the life Abby never got to live.
2 (#u2d90fb73-6b87-5820-b41d-4b2ae9f41271)
Six weeks earlier...
I stand at the edge of the terrace outside the Women’s Clinic and grasp the cold metal railing. I watch the orange rays of sunset spray across the downtown high-rises, Portland’s never-ending rush-hour traffic and the landscape of trees as they soak up the last offerings of winter moisture. My white coat is draped over the back of the metal chair next to me, and a cool breeze sweeps over my arms.
This is my midday ritual, when my first round of patient consultations is finished, before the bustle of the day is replaced by stacks of charts to be filled out. I escape to this terrace, this place of solitude, and hold tight to a few moments of perspective. I breathe in the busy silence, and once a day, I pretend I could go somewhere no one knows my name, where absolution is easy and truth isn’t so hard to come by.
A bird flies overhead, past the parking lot below me and the still street entrance beyond that. My gaze follows it to the path of the Willamette River, a wide divide of sleepless water that cuts Portland in half. The break in the scenery means nothing to the bird, but I often wonder why they bothered to build the foundation of a city on land that would always be split. No matter how close to the water they plant offices, or how many bridges traverse one shore to the other, the two sides will never connect. It will never be whole.
But I am up here, seven floors high, and if I close my eyes and raise my face to the sky, I can almost pretend that I, too, am flying above it. Untouchable.
“Dr. Michels.” I turn to see Enrique, a nurse intern, leaning against the open glass door to the clinic. His dry sarcasm and the way his brown eyes squint almost closed when he smiles has made him one of my favorite nurses.
“You ready for another delivery?” he asks, his Puerto Rican accent pulling down his vowels.
“Of course,” I say. I pick up my coat, feed my arms back into it and follow him inside.
Sunlight shines through the towering glass walls of the clinic and glints off the modern furniture tucked in alcoves and lining the walls around the check-in desk. Enrique and I weave through women at various stages of pregnancy, with their families, nurses and doctors, and back into the halls of the clinic—a beehive that from the terrace is a low hum; inside, a violent roar. Between my four-year residency and my year as a licensed OB/GYN, this is my fifth year at this clinic, and it still surprises me how many patients we fit into a day.
Once we hit our stride in the hallway, Enrique passes me the chart of the laboring mother.
