When I Surrender

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Without giving it a second thought, I rattled off my schedule. ‘Monday night I work at the food bank downtown, Tuesday I visit the youth shelter, Wednesdays I’ve been helping out on a Habitat for Humanity project, Thursdays I go to the Humane Society, and whenever I have time, I serve meals at the soup kitchen. Oh, and Saturday is group.’

He shook his head at me. ‘My point exactly. Do you even know how to relax?’

I forced the rigid tension in my shoulders to ease. I could do this. And if I didn’t babysit him tonight, who would? ‘So where are we going?’

We walked the several blocks to a nearby bar, huddled into our coats the entire time. Once night fell, so did the temperature. Drastically. But once we stepped inside the cozy warmth of the tavern, my spirits lifted. Knox led the way to a booth across from the long bar and we sat down facing each other. It felt intimate and foreign being out with him like this, and I liked it. Knox’s eyes remained on mine as I slid out of my coat. He was wearing a dark leather jacket and coupled with the way his long-sleeved tee clung to his broad chest, it made my nipples tighten and rasp against my bra. My entire being took notice of his –on every level– both emotional and physical. It left me staggering for breath.

‘So, are we going to talk?’ I asked after several tense moments.

‘Drinks first.’ His eyes cast over to the bar. ‘What do you want?’

My gaze followed his. Bottles of liquor were lined up along a glass wall behind the bar, overwhelming me. There were too many choices. ‘I- I’m not sure.’

‘You’ve never had a drink before?’

‘I’ve had a drink. But I’ve never ordered something for myself at a bar before.’

‘Beer? Wine? Something fruity? I’ll order for you, just tell me what sounds good.’

I chewed on my lower lip. My parents died in a drunk driving accident. I’d never been big on drinking. ‘Something fruity I guess. But not too sweet.’

He chuckled at me. ‘Got it.’

A few moments later, Knox returned with a pale pink concoction in a tall glass for me, along with a bottle of beer and a shot of something for himself. He pushed the drink toward me and I took a sip from the straw. Mmm. It tasted like lemon-lime soda and cherries with a hint of something tart. Wait a second. ‘Is this a Shirley Temple?’

He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. ‘There’s alcohol in it.’

‘Are you mocking me?’ I straightened my shoulders, locking eyes with him.

‘Of course not, angel. Drink up.’

I watched as Knox downed the shot in front of him, bringing it to his full lips and draining the glass in an easy swallow.

‘Can we talk about what you said at the soup kitchen…about me and you….’

He nodded.

I paused, taking my time. I didn’t know if I was really ready to go there with him yet. I decided on a different question that had been plaguing me for some time. ‘Knox I know you’ve told me about your addiction, but will you tell me how it first began? I need to understand. How did you get this way?

‘It’s second nature. I don’t think about it.’ His eyes wandered away and he took a long sip of his beer.

‘I know. But I’m asking you to. To really examine it. And open up and share with me.’ I knew I was asking a lot of him, and I didn’t know if he was brave enough.

‘I will. In time.’

‘What do I have to do for you to tell me?’ I chewed on my lip, feeling brave.

He smiled. ‘You want inside my head that bad?’

I waited, silent.

‘Fine. Take a shot with me.’

I opened my mouth to argue, then snapped it closed again. I could handle one shot. Couldn’t I?

This time Knox returned with two shot glasses, each with clear liquor inside. He set one down in front of me and kept the other in his hand. ‘This your first shot?’ he asked. I nodded. ‘Cheers, angel.’

‘How do I….’ I paused with the shot glass halfway to my lips.

‘Tilt your head back. Open your throat. Let it slide down.’

His voice was thick, laced with sexual tension, and my stomach knotted. But I did as he instructed, bringing the glass to my lips and tipping my head back. I felt his eyes on me the entire time, heating up the space between us. The stiff punch of liquor slid down easily, leaving only a slight bitter burn in the back of my throat. I quickly took a sip of my drink to clear away the taste.

‘Good girl.’ He licked his lips and set his own empty glass down next to mine.

I had a theory that Knox been looking for love and closeness in all the wrong places. His mother died and his father had run off, abandoning the family. And I knew he said he found his peace, if only for a short time, with girl after girl. The feeling never lasted long, though, and so he sought the next girl. I don’t think he knew he was stuck in that pattern until I’d come along and forced his eyes open. But I needed to hear Knox say it and connect the dots.

He grabbed his beer and took another swig, his eyebrows knitted together in deep concentration. ‘My mom and I were really close. I was a momma’s boy and am not afraid to admit it.’ He smiled. I remembered the sketches he’d shown me. I knew he loved and missed her deeply. ‘When she died, it left this giant hole in me. I began chasing after girls in high school just to feel something. To feel alive. I dated in high school, and slept around a little, but after a while, it just wasn’t enough anymore. I needed something more. I started going out to bars and girls were even easier to pick up outside of school. It was simple. I didn’t really think about it. And when I was with them, I forgot all about my fucked up life. For a short time anyway. It was a coping mechanism.’

‘Didn’t that bother you – using them that way? Those were people’s daughters.’

‘If you think they weren’t using me too, you’re more naïve than I thought.’ He smirked at me, challenging me to disagree.

I’d never thought about it that way, but I supposed he had a valid point. Knox wasn’t the type to promise them the moon and stars. He was a take it or leave it kind of guy. And they freely took what he’d offered.

He’d been getting love the only way he knew how – by sleeping with anything with a vagina. It was sad, but on some strange level, I understood. Knox had spent many years feeling unloved and not capable of returning love. But I knew he was capable of more. I saw firsthand how sweet he was with his brothers. He’d stepped up to raise them and set aside his own goals and dreams. And I suspected he wanted to change. He’d been attending my sex addicts meetings for over a month now and hadn’t pushed me away, despite my constant questions.

‘Still, Knox, you had to know that wasn’t right….’

‘It’s the only thing I know.’

‘Then discover something new.’ My eyes were pleading with his and I saw the moment my plea registered. His gaze turned hungry as his eyes flicked down to my mouth.

He leaned closer, his eyes soft and probing. ‘Meeting you has been interesting for me.…’

My heart swelled in my chest and I wanted so badly to hear him continue. But he took a swig of his beer and let his eyes wander out onto the dance floor.

‘So assuming you were still…that way, you’d be looking for a girl here tonight?’

‘Most likely,’ he admitted.

The truth stung, but at least he was honest. We watched in silence as a group of girls, one wearing a tiara and a sash that declared her the Bride, shimmied on the dance floor to the beat of hip hop music.

‘So if you were here to pick up a girl tonight – who’s your type?’ I looked on as a blond with large breasts thrust her hips back and forth, too embarrassed to meet Knox’s eyes. I wondered if he’d go for someone so obvious about her body and looks. Someone so completely opposite of me.

‘You really want me to answer that?’ he asked. I nodded, still unable to meet his gaze. ‘Look at me,’ he commanded.

I did. And his heated stare lit me up from the inside out. I felt my chest and neck flush. I dropped my gaze, sliding my drink toward me and sucking down a big mouthful. ‘Yeah, I want to know,’ I said, finding my courage. The alcohol flowing through my veins was the likely contributor. When he was like this, so dominant and commanding, my body turned to a pile of mush, ready and waiting for his next command.

Knox’s eyes reluctantly left mine and he scanned the dance floor with a bored expression. Not finding anyone of interest, his gaze turned toward the crowded bar. ‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ he said, his eyes not returning to mine.

Unease churned inside me as I watched him cross the room and head down the back hallway alone. What was he doing? Had he already picked out a girl and given her a special wink? I couldn’t believe he’d really disappeared and left me sitting here all alone. I sucked down more of my drink as tears blurred my vision.

I hated how I couldn’t be what he needed and he chose instead to fulfill his needs without me. I sensed that Knox was developing real feelings, too. So why did he continue on with this charade of hussies? Because even if he did have feelings for you, McKenna, you’re a virgin. You can’t satisfy his needs. That realization sparked something inside me. Rebellion. It made me want to try.

A few moments later, Knox strolled back to the table, his expression unreadable. ‘McKenna?’ Spotting the unshed tears shimmering in my eyes, he stood immobile in front of the table. ‘What happened?’

‘You left me.’ I pressed my fingertips to my temples, willing the tears away.

He slid into the booth next to me and pulled me close, pressing a kiss to my temple. ‘I went to take a piss. You didn’t think…?’

I nodded slowly.

‘Christ, McKenna. I wouldn’t do that. I used the restroom, washed my hands, and came right back to the table.’ I suddenly felt foolish for freaking out. He hesitated for several long moments, his jaw clenching in the dim light. ‘What do you want from me? You know who I am.’

‘Friendship, Knox. I want your friendship.’

‘That’s it? There’s nothing more….’ He smiled, crookedly, begging me to disagree.

He was hinting at the burning chemistry between us, brewing just below the surface. My obvious jealous reaction at thinking he’d gone after a girl. He felt this intensity between us and apparently he knew I did, too. I hadn’t been hiding my true feelings well enough. He saw it in my lingering gazes, the way I cared for his brothers, and the ways my eyes always went to his while we were in group. There was no point denying it, since I knew eventually he’d see through my game. The truth was I wanted much more than friendship. I wouldn’t have taken things physical with him if I hadn’t. Something told me he understood that.

I took a deep breath, settling my nerves. ‘As for more…yes, I know who you are. You’re a man who takes care of his family, who takes on the world for those boys, who works hard and plays harder…but you’re also a man on the cusp of change. If you want anything more than friendship with me, then you’ll have to show me.’

‘Show you what? I told you I don’t do love.’

‘So change.’ I shrugged, flippantly, like it was the simplest thing in the world. Knox said he didn’t do love, but he was wrong. He loved his brothers fiercely. He might not have done romantic relationships, but I believed in him, I believed anything was possible, as long as he wanted it bad enough. And selfishly, I wanted to be the one to change his mind about love. He was helping me and some little voice deep inside told me we could do this. It might have been foolish, but when everything else had been stripped away from me, I needed that hope. I would cling to it like a life raft until I was forced to admit he wasn’t my savior and I wasn’t his.

‘What about Brian?’ Knox asked, drawing another sip of his beer and signaling the bartender for another.

‘What about him?’

‘You and him. You ever thought about that? You guys could be good together.’

Was he seriously encouraging my relationship with Brian? After all this? ‘First Belinda and now you, really?’

He shrugged. ‘Just pointing out your options.’

Frustrated, I pushed a chunk of hair behind my ear. Brian had always been there for me. Would always be there for me. He was sweet and had cute boy next door looks to match. Would it really be the worst thing in the world to see if real feelings could develop between us? Sometimes I wondered about us, but I just didn’t feel that way about him, despite what Knox or Belinda saw when they looked at us together. And his encouragement about Brian had the opposite effect, it only made me want to rebel. I took a big gulp from my grown-up Shirley Temple, finishing the drink. ‘I’m going to dance.’ I didn’t dance, but being near him was too much of a roller coaster and I needed a minute to clear my head.

Knox moved aside to let me out of the booth and I headed to the center of the dance floor, ready to lose myself in the crowd. Squeezing my way past the writhing bodies, I found a spot for myself and closed my eyes, letting the thumping rhythm wash over me. Finding the beat, I swayed back and forth to the music. The alcohol had relaxed me enough that I felt totally unconcerned with how I looked to others. I moved and swayed, feeling loose and relaxed as the music took over.

I felt someone approach me from behind, but before my body had the chance to tense, I smelled his unique scent of warm leather and sandalwood and knew it was Knox. He placed both hands on my waist as his chest brushed against my back. A wave of heat crashed over me. He pressed his hips into my bottom and I forgot how to breathe. I spun to face him, needing to see his dark eyes. Was this part of his seduction efforts? He was used to things easily going his way with girls and that fact alone made me want to challenge him a little. He’d just suggested I be with Brian. Did he even really want me?

Knox’s hands wandered from my waist to my hips, where his fingertips made contact with bare skin fractures of heat crackled across my abdomen. ‘Don’t question this.’ He leaned down to breathe against my ear.

I danced with him, moving against him, working my hips in what I hoped was an enticing way. Knox’s eyes followed my movements and his hands remained planted at my hips.

I’d just told him I wanted his friendship and now I was grinding against him on the dance floor. I knew I was sending mixed signals, but so was he. He’d suggested I be with Brian when all along he’d been possessive about the idea of my male roommate. I should have walked away, gotten some air, but air was the last thing I wanted.

The few disappointing experiences I’d had with a man made me pause. Knox’s dominant side gave me hope that he could take control like I craved, allow me to feel like a woman and completely at ease in the bedroom. Was I really ready to walk away from that? I’d spent twenty-one years single, all while fielding questions from nosy friends and relatives about Brian and why I never had a boyfriend. God, I was delusional. Knox wasn’t boyfriend material. He wasn’t the type of man you gave your heart to. Still, I felt I owed it to myself to find out if he could make me feel this alive on the dance floor, what would it be like in the bedroom? Something in his nature called to mine, and I couldn’t turn away.

Chapter Five (#ua6562270-97e8-5473-a979-bcc679d5e10d)

Knox

I watched McKenna sway and twist her hips to the beat of the music. She looked beautiful. Pink cheeks, soft curves, and waves of shiny hair flowing around her face. Her eyes were focused on me, and despite asking for my friendship, I knew she wanted more. And somehow I knew it wouldn’t be hard to talk her into it. She felt this intensity between us just like I did.

The desire to explore her body, to fuck her until she cried out my name, was getting stronger. And the alcohol clouding my system wasn’t helping. The more time I spent with her, the more difficult it became to resist her. And what scared me even more was that the more time I spent with her, the urge to fuck other girls evaporated. There was only McKenna. Her sweet scent, her gentle nature, and her quiet strength to make the world a better place were like a drug to me. I had to have her.