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‘I know, I know,’ minced Ray. He turned to Ann. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been dancing attendance; my dear, I haven’t been feeling myself.’ He gave a squeal of a laugh. ‘Well, maybe once or twice, to pass the time. I’ve been laid low, drained, positively overwhelmed with mal-de-mer. Still, I’m feeling better now this beastly boat has stopped bouncing up and down in that alarming fashion.’ He gave Ann a sly wink. ‘And rumour has it, that’s not the only thing that’s been bouncing up and down.’
‘If I want any crap outta you I’ll squeeze your head.’
‘Oh, bold!’ Ray’s mouth twisted into a little moue of distaste. ‘Anyway, I’ve been cutting, sewing and embroidering like a thing possessed to get Miss Darling’s costumes ready.’
He was interrupted by a hail from the bridge. ‘Hi, Deadman! I’m shending in the boatsh to fill up the scuttlebutts.’ Captain Rumbuggery waved a half-empty whisky bottle at Ray. ‘That crazy fella has used all our drinking water for dyeing hish goddamn costhtumes.’
‘Philistine!’ Ray gave the Captain a savage glare and minced off, his wobbling derriere attracting almost as much attention from certain members of the ship’s company as Ann’s.
‘Boatsh away!’ Captain Rumbuggery turned his wandering attention back to Ann and Deadman. ‘You two want to come along for the ride?’
‘Sure!’ Deadman waved back, and turned to Ann. ‘Coming?’
But Ann had spotted a sun-tanned young deck-hand with oiled skin and rippling muscles. ‘I think I’ll stay here and take in a little local colour.’
Deadman followed her stare. ‘Riiiight. Be sure not to take in too much.’
Fifteen minutes later, three of the ship’s boats were pulling in an uncoordinated fashion for the shore.
They had almost reached the surf-line when Sloppy, the ship’s cook, stood up and pointed. ‘Hey, look at that.’
A rider had burst out of the forest, galloping hell-for-leather along the beach. He was a white man, wearing a battered fedora and carrying a bullwhip coiled in one hand, with which he was belabouring the flanks of his foundered horse, urging it to greater efforts.
Behind him, a war party of black-skinned warriors burst from cover. They were wearing leather loincloths and carrying buffalo-hide shields and vicious-looking short spears. They pursued their quarry with dreadful purpose, uttering savage war-cries, brandishing their spears with fearsome intent and thirsting for blood.
The rider stood in his stirrups and waved frantically. ‘Hey – you down there! Help! They’re gonna kill me!’
CHAPTER FOUR Bones of Contention (#ulink_b17a7bb6-9d1f-5a51-8bd1-5cc9d3f27984)
‘Pull for shore, men!’ cried Deadman. ‘Pull till your arms creak and your backs break. We must save that white man from those dreadful savages!’
From behind him, a sulky voice said, ‘Well, I don’t see why.’
Deadman turned to stare at the speaker.
‘As you were, Able Sheaman Obote,’ growled Rumbuggery.
‘Yes, that’s all very well,’ said Able Seaman Obote petulantly, ‘but, I mean, why automatically assume, because he’s a white guy and the black guys are chasing him, that he’s the good guy and they’re the bad guys?’
‘Obote …’
‘It makes me sick. People always make assumptions. I mean, if you saw a bunch of white guys chasing a black guy, you’d think, “Hey, that black guy must have mugged somebody or stolen a purse or something. Let’s go and help the white guys catch him,” but because he’s white and they’re black you don’t give it any thought, you just go barging in on the side of the honky. It’s just emblematic of the institutional, unconscious racism that’s fundamentally rooted in every aspect of society. I mean, he could have stolen their cattle and raped their women, maybe even the other way about, but do you ask questions? No, you just …’
At a nod from the Skipper, the coxswain had crept up behind Able Seaman Obote, and now brought a belaying pin down on the dusky sailor’s head with a solid thwack.
Obote’s eyes glazed over. ‘QED,’ he said, and collapsed.
‘Goddamn pinko liberal commie political activisht.’ The Skipper kicked the unconscious Obote into the bilges as the boat shot through the surf. ‘In oars, men!’ he commanded. ‘Break out the riflesh!’
As the boat ran up the sand of the beach, eager hands tore at the long wooden boxes that had been loaded from the Vulture. The lids flew off, and their contents lay exposed.
There was an awkward silence.
‘Ah,’ said Deadman. ‘I guess Ray must have run out of room to store his costumes and – ah – made some extra room by – ah – dumping the rifles and using the crates …’ His voice tailed off.
Rumbuggery made an executive decision. ‘Back to the ship, men!’
‘But what about the guy on the horse?’ demanded Deadman. ‘We can’t just leave him here to be speared to death by those cannibals.’
‘How do you know they’re cannibals?’ cried Obote, who had just come round. ‘Cannibalism is comparatively rare in pre-industrial societies. You just have a negative and stereotypical view of any ethnic group you deem to fall short of the arbitrary standards of your so-called civilization …’
Thwack!
‘Well done, coxswain.’ The Skipper glared at Deadman. ‘I’m not going to washte my men’s lives on a futile geshture.’ He pointed unsteadily at the oncoming war party. ‘What are we shupposed to fight them off with, seashellsh?’
‘Wait!’ Deadman was examining the flimsy contents of the crates. ‘I’ve got an idea, Skipper. Give me one minute.’
The Skipper sighed.‘ ‘One minute. And thish had better be good.’
‘Right. You men – with me!’ Deadman snatched a double armful of costumes from the crate and led the party he had selected into a nearby stand of trees.
The chase was approaching its climax. The rider had nearly reached the boats when his horse stumbled and fell. He pitched headlong from the saddle and landed, rolling. His mount gave a broken-winded neigh, and expired.
‘Come on, man!’ cried Rumbuggery.
To the astonishment of the crew, the rider, on picking himself up, stumbled back to the horse and began to fumble with the saddlebags.
‘Are you crazy?’ demanded the Skipper. ‘Get over here or you’re a kebab for sure!’
Indeed, the refugee was now within throwing range of the war party. Spears rained around him as he tugged desperately at something caught in the saddlebag beneath the horse. Eventually, whatever it was came free, just as a spear went straight through the man’s fedora, knocking it from his head. He turned, a cloth-wrapped parcel in his arms, and stumbled towards the safety of the boats, clutching the bundle to his chest. From the way he was moving, the parcel obviously contained something heavy.
Then he put a hand to his head, looked frantically about, and went back for his hat.
As his hand touched the brim, he was surrounded. The boat crew looked on in helpless horror as the pursuers loomed over the doomed refugee, raising their dreadful, razor-sharp weapons, ready to stab, rend and tear …
‘Cooo-eeee!’
Startled, the ebony warriors turned. Emerging from the jungle’s edge came a chorus line of the ugliest, hairiest matelots in the Vulture’s crew, all wearing rouge on their cheeks, curly blonde wigs, and high-waisted print dresses that revealed far too much of their preternaturally unlovely thighs. Mugging furiously, and making a variety of horrendously cute gestures, they falsettoed:
‘On the good ship sodapop
You can get sick at the toffee shop
And throw up all day
On the sunny beach of Sugarplum Bay …’
The warriors’ eyes widened. Their hair stood on end, their knees knocked. They moaned and gibbered with primeval terror.
‘Aiiieeeee!’ cried one, pointing a quivering finger. ‘Shirleey Tempellleee!’
‘Shirleey Tempellleee!’ echoed the others. ‘Aiiieeeee!’
Casting aside their weapons in their panic, the war party turned on its heel and fled back the way it had come, leaving its intended victim sprawled on the sand.
Captain Rumbuggery turned a disapproving glance on Deadman as the latter strolled out of the forest, smoking a cigar and grinning from ear to ear. ‘Shirley Temple impersonations? That was a pretty low trick to play on a proud warrior race.’
Deadman’s grin grew even wider. ‘Don’t knock it. It worked.’
Released from the momentary sobriety into which the crisis had thrust him, the Skipper weaved towards the stranger. ‘Who the hell are you?’
The dusty figure raised its perforated fedora. ‘Indiana Bones. Pleased to meet you.’ He passed out.
‘Likewishe,’ said the Skipper. And followed suit.
Back on the Vulture, an impromptu conference took place on the aft deck. Several of the shore party were present; except for those who, following their appearance as the curly-haired moppet of popular movie fame, had already attracted partners from the salacious crew and retired below. Captain Rumbuggery having been lashed into his bunk with an attack of the blue devils, Deadman took the chair for the interrogation of the fugitive.
‘So you’re Indiana Bones, intrepid explorer and inveterate tomb-robber. What were you doing to be chased by those guys?’
Indiana Bones waggled his fingers through the holes in his fedora and sighed. ‘It took me years to get this hat so sweaty and grungy. Now look at it. I guess I’ll have to start all over again.’ He took another long pull at the bottle that had earlier been torn from the screaming Skipper’s clutching fingers. ‘What was I doing? That’s a long story …’
‘Then let’s have the abridged version. We’re in a hurry.’ Deadman pointed to the wrapped bundle that Indiana had, despite all blandishments, refused to part with since his rescue. ‘For starters, what is that thing?’
Indiana gave him a cunning look. ‘That’s what they were after. I recovered it, at great personal risk, from the Lost Temple of Werarwee.’
‘The Temple of Werarwee?’
‘Yes – I said it was lost. I risked life, limb and academic credibility to break into the innermost sanctum. It was a deadly game of cat and mouse.’ The energetic archaeologist shuddered at the recollection. ‘The big round rock that chased me, that was the worst. And the spikes that shot out of the floor and ceiling as the roof came down, that was the worst, too. And the room where the gap between the walls got smaller and smaller, and the rats, and the poison darts, and the revolving blades, and the pit of snakes –’
‘But what were you after?’ Fey Ray, who had taken an instant and obvious shine to the rugged adventurer, was sitting at Indiana’s feet, listening with rapt attention to this preposterous farrago of lies. ‘What in the world is so precious that you would risk your body and soul in such an insanely dangerous quest?’
Indiana leered at his audience and slowly unwrapped the parcel in his lap. ‘The solid gold knobkerrie of Shaka Zulu.’
There was a spontaneous intake of breath from the onlookers.
‘Look at the length of that thing,’ murmured one.
‘It’s solid gold,’ breathed another.
‘And very knobbly,’ gasped a third.
‘Lemme see.’ Unnoticed, Ann had joined the conference. Indiana looked up to see who had spoken – and pointed like a retriever. An idiotic smile played across his rugged features. His eyes glinted. Ray pouted.
Ann reached for Indiana’s treasure. Eyeing her like a wolfhound declaring an interest in a nice, juicy ham-hock, Indiana handed it over.
Ann gasped at the weight of the object. Then, tongue protruding, she ran her hands over the heavy, golden artefact. With great deliberation, she stroked the long, sturdy shaft. Her eyelids half-closed as she caressed the bulbous shape at the end …
Three men fainted dead away.
Anne purred. ‘Hey, this is really something.’
Indiana gazed at her with unbridled lust. ‘Do you know what it is?’
‘No.’ Ann’s hands slid over the smooth metal. ‘But I could have a damn good guess.’
‘It’s a ceremonial staff of office derived from a stick with a heavy bulge at the end, used as a war club.’
‘Well, I was wrong.’ Losing interest immediately, Ann dropped the golden dingus back in Indiana’s lap. As he doubled up in agony, she said, ‘What time does Sloppy open the cook-house on this banana boat? I’m starving,’ and flounced off.
Ray looked at the moaning adventurer with a finely poised mix of revenge, sympathy and opportunism. ‘Shall I rub it better?’
Hastily, Indiana shook his head.
Ray gave a petulant shrug. ‘Suit yourself.’
Deadman’s patience was wearing thin. ‘Now see here, Dr Bones, we’ve all heard of your heroic exploits –’
‘Oh, really?’ said a familiar voice. ‘Let’s just get this straight, shall we? This guy claims to be a serious scientist, yet he steals objects of great value from helpless, impoverished indigenous peoples without any regard for their significance or any attempt to record or interpret what he’s found, and sells these priceless artefacts for vast sums on the international antiquities market. Now how does that make him a hero, exactly?’
Thwack!
‘Well, thank you for that cogent and closely reasoned riposte.’ Able Seaman Obote folded up like a deckchair.
‘Like I was saying, Dr Bones,’ Deadman continued, as if the interruption had never taken place, ‘I’m damned if I know what to do with you.’
‘Give … me a … ride … to my next … port,’ gasped Indiana, rubbing at the affected area. ‘I’ve heard of a fantastic treasure in the Himalayas. There’s a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu and its remaining green peeper has got my name on it. If you could just see your way clear to take me to Calcutta …’
‘Goddamn it, man!’ exploded Deadman. ‘I’ve got a movie to shoot. This isn’t an archaeology expedition, and we don’t have time for sightseeing trips.’ He considered. ‘However, there’s a strong chance we may have to deal with an ancient and mysterious culture, in which case your expertise may be valuable. What’s more, since the second assistant chef ran amok in the galley with a meat-axe the other night and we had to throw him over the side, we’re a man short in the kitchen and there’s a mountain of potatoes to peel between here and our mysterious destination.’
‘Now hold it right there!’ Indiana was on his feet, his eyes blazing defiance. ‘I have a Master’s degree from Oxford and a PhD from Harvard, I’m a member of the Royal Society, the National Academy of Science and the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks, and I’m damned if I’m going to waste my time doing KP for a bunch of lowlife chancers.’
‘Or we could leave you for the Zulus.’
Indiana rolled up his sleeves and pulled out his sheath-knife. ‘Would you like me to do the carrots as well?’
CHAPTER FIVE Tall Tales and a Big Whopper (#ulink_496e4c34-ba54-50a2-bd1a-932b13d21c02)
‘Hi there, baby.’
Ann gave Indiana a sidelong glance. If she was pleased to see him, she hid it well. ‘Are you by any chance talking to me, buster?’
‘Well – er – yeah.’
‘Then I would be grateful if you would have the coytesy to address me as “Miss Darling”, as befits my position of being a lady of class and distinction, ya dumb-ass.’
Indiana backtracked hurriedly. ‘Oh, sure, Ann … Miss Darling. Anything you say.’
There was a long pause while Indiana tried to catch Ann’s eye and Ann resolutely ignored him. At length, shuffling his feet, Indiana said, ‘You doing anything special tonight?’
