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“Of course I do. Just not the whole Prince-Charming-riding-in-to-sweep-me-off-my-feet thing.” When he remained silent, she added a little defiantly, “I spent a lot of years on my own. It tend to makes you a realist.”
He studied her for an age, almost as if he were waiting for something more. She met his scrutiny head-on, and as the seconds passed, an uncomfortable panic began to leech in. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re sad for me. I don’t need it. I don’t—” Need you. No, that felt wrong and she managed to stop the words before they formed.
She heard him sigh and the mood suddenly changed. “Look, AJ, I understand your need for control, I really do. But closing yourself off to possibilities isn’t the right way to go about it.”
She scowled and leaned back in the seat. “Why are we even talking about this again?”
“Because talking is what people do.”
She huffed out a breath. “I knew this would happen. I’d mention my past and you’d...”
“I’d what?” Matt’s expression was a mix of sadness and understanding. Not disgust. Not pity. Yet somehow, his sympathy did something to her insides and she had to glance away. “You can let your past define you, let it keep chipping away at who you are, or you can make a decision and take control.”
“Like you did after your brother’s accident?”
His mouth tightened for one second. “Yeah.”
AJ flushed and clamped her mouth shut. Where on earth had that cheap shot come from? Yet as she studied him, she sensed something behind that smooth expression. What would it take to relieve him of that burden?
More than she could offer. Certainly nothing she could say because hadn’t she already stuck her foot in it?
So instead, she placed a hand over his, leaned in and kissed him.
It was a gentle kiss, devoid of ulterior motive. It wasn’t a precursor to passion. It was a kiss with the full brunt of her emotional state behind it, and for one second she felt him go still beneath her mouth, almost as if she’d shocked him and he was unsure of what to do.
She let her eyes close, moving slowly, testing the swell of his full bottom lip between hers. His sigh, when it came, shuddered into her and that’s when she knew she’d done the right thing.
They kissed for ages, leisurely exploring each other in the dim restaurant light, pressed together from shoulder to thigh. When they finally broke apart, Matt glanced down at the table, then laughed.
AJ followed his gaze. While they’d been lip locked, their waiter had discreetly left their meals, topped up their glasses and added some cutlery.
“This place has excellent service,” AJ got out.
Matt nodded, his smile matching hers. “I agree.”
By unspoken agreement, they sought each other again, but this time AJ felt the urgency behind his kiss. The pressure had changed, going from sweet to insistent. Then his hand slipped under the table to gently rest on her knee.
She momentarily broke the kiss. “Matt?”
“Mmm?” His hand left her knee, stroking as it eased higher to her thigh.
“We can’t.”
“Why not?”
Her head swam. Why not indeed? “For starters, we’re in a public place.”
“So we are.” AJ felt a tremor of excitement as his fingers crept under the hem of her dress, making their way teasingly up. She held her breath, desperate to see how far he would actually go before one of them put a stop to it.
Would she? Would he?
And still his hand went higher.
She met his gaze and held it. He was at her inner thigh now, his fingers creating a warm path ever upward. Then...
She held her breath as he gently stroked her through the thin cotton of her knickers.
“Matt...”
Slowly, regretfully it seemed, he withdrew. “You don’t think we should do this.” Her nod, when it came, was a little too reluctant. “But do you want to?”
She clamped off a groan and murmured something under her breath.
“What?”
She shook her head. “Let’s just eat, okay?”
He stared at her for the longest time, until her eyes darted away to her plate. With infinite care, she silently drew it across the table, picked up her fork then proceeded to eat.
“Fine, Angel. We’ll eat.”
Thirteen (#uc6995030-bbe3-5a4d-a36e-670b963e109b)
They walked back to the pensione, only this time he didn’t take her hand, and it made AJ’s heart ache.
No, it was bigger than that. Everything inside ached, like someone had come along and stolen a vital part of herself, and that loss only exacerbated the chaos.
“Matt?”
“Yeah?” He pushed the front door open and let her go in first. She mounted the narrow staircase, more than aware of his presence close behind. When they reached the top of the stairs, she turned to face him. “Back at the beach. You were going to ask me something but didn’t.” His brows dipped but he said nothing. “What was it?”
“Nothing.”
He made a move to go past her but she grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop. “Just say it. I want to know.”
He huffed out a sigh. “I was going to ask you about the night we broke up.”
She dropped his arm and took a step back. “Why do you want to talk about that?”
“How long did it take for you to forgive me?”
“I just—” Wow, what could she say to that? “I didn’t blame you.” It was true. She’d blamed herself.
“Not even after the way I just dropped it on you?”
“No.” She turned and walked down the short corridor toward their bedroom door. Matt followed. “Why are you asking now? The past is past. Going over it won’t change anything.” She shoved the door open, went straight to the wardrobe and grabbed her suitcase.
“You don’t like talking about the past, do you?”
She snapped her gaze up, irritated by his brusqueness. “Just because I don’t blurt out every tiny detail about my life doesn’t mean it’s wrong.” She turned to the bureau, grabbed a handful of underwear and tossed them into the open case.
“I’m not saying that. But you need to give a little, AJ. You can’t expect someone to open up to you if you don’t do the same.”
I don’t want to open up. Not to you. “This isn’t part of our deal, Matt,” she said softly.
He studied her in cool silence before saying, “That night we broke up? I’d just come off a twelve-hour shift. My tardiness and distraction hadn’t gone unnoticed those past six months. I’d had ‘the talk’ from my parents, then my senior resident—”
“Matt...”
“And the second time, I had to step up and make a choice.”
She glared at him as he tried to make his point. The teeny, tiny point. “Your career came first.” When it came, his slow nod only confirmed what she’d thought all along. “And I wasn’t Matthew Cooper girlfriend material.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t need to. You never once introduced me to your family or took me out where someone from your social circle might see us. Or...or...even invited me to your Christmas party,” she added tightly.
If he’d really wanted her, he would’ve found a way to work it out, right? AJ thought.
He gave a short, exasperated sigh. “I thought you were okay with things being casual. I didn’t know you wanted to—”
“Well, you never asked!” Her hands went to her hips, irritation surging through her.
He mirrored her stance. “Nor did you!”
She stood there in silence until she couldn’t take it anymore. “Fine. You want to know? I’ll tell you. I was planning on staying in town and I was trying to work out the best way to tell you.”
The shock on his face was almost laughable. Almost. But instead of laughter, a deep burning embarrassment welled up in her throat, scalding her neck, then her cheeks.
“AJ...”
“Please don’t, Matt.” She whirled and grabbed a dress from the wardrobe, folding it with sharp precision. “It was a long time ago. I got over it.” Oh, you are such a liar. “I moved on. So let’s just—”
The shrill sound of a phone splintered the air and with a soft curse, Matt whirled and grabbed the offending gadget from the dresser.
“Yes, Mum?”
All the fight drained from AJ with those two little words and she left him to his call, walking into the bathroom to gather her toiletries. As she packed her shampoo, conditioner, toothbrush and toothpaste, she couldn’t shake the ominous feeling that she’d put her foot right in it.
You’re smarter than this.
She couldn’t change the past and there was no point arguing with Matt about it. He didn’t need to know how much that rejection had hurt, how it had shaped every relationship since him.
The past had no bearing on the here and now. They both understood this was a physical arrangement, not a romantic one. God, what would he do if he knew she’d been fantasizing about their relationship these past few weeks? That sometimes, in the lonely early-morning light when she imagined them being a real couple, it made everything ache like she’d already lost something she’d never get back?
She was so caught up in her turbulent thoughts she didn’t realize he was standing in the doorway until she caught his reflection in the mirror.
He was staring at her with an odd, intense look, as if he wanted to say something yet wasn’t sure she’d want to hear it. A look so unlike Matt that it gave her pause.
She took a deep breath and turned around. “Look, this is stupid, us arguing. I made some silly choices the past ten years.” Not to mention reckless and downright dangerous ones, too. She’d been crazy, eager to push boundaries, eager to forget. “But they were my choices, and I don’t regret them.” She’d also learned some hard lessons about life and love and for that she’d always be grateful. “You also made a choice and did what you thought was right. Let’s just drop it, shall we?”
She hated it when he said nothing. His scrutiny was so focused, as if he was trying to figure out all the dark marks on her heart. “My parents have some spare tickets for a benefit on Tuesday. Do you want to come with me?”
She frowned. “What?”
“You, me, a Saint Cat’s fund-raiser. Will you be my date?”
Yes! No! No, wait...
Confusion warred inside her, her resolution to keep Matt at a distance battling with other, deeper desires. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
Her hands went to her hips. “Oh, only about a dozen reasons. Me and your parents, for one.”
“They don’t bite.”
She snorted. “That’s not what I meant. You’re the one who still has to work with the hospital.”
“It’s the twenty-first century, AJ. We’re allowed to go out in public without a chaperone.”
“Don’t be obtuse. You know what I mean.”
“Oh, I’m sure they’re already talking about us.” He crossed his arms and fixed her with a direct look. “We went to see Saint Cat’s top fertility specialist together. Our names are on forms, computer systems and now tests. You can’t keep secrets in a hospital for long.”
Of course, he was right. It didn’t matter to her, but... “Does it bother you? The fact that people are probably talking about you?”
He shrugged. “They’ve been doing that all my life.”
“I see.”
A beat passed. “So you never did answer. Are you afraid of being seen with me?”
“No.” She turned and shoved her moisturizer into her toiletries bag.
He stepped inside the bathroom and crossed his arms, eyes glinting as he blocked her exit. She glared back and let her unimpressed expression do all the talking.
He wasn’t buying it. “I don’t believe it. AJ Reynolds is afraid of meeting my parents?”
“Now, listen here—”
“That’s just not possible.” He advanced slowly, his mouth slanted into a mocking grin. “Not the same woman who shared my bed last week.”
No, don’t talk about that! “Matt—” She backed up into the vanity, her butt resting on the cool marble as her heart quickened.
