Grumpy Old Men: New Year, Same Old Crap

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Grumpy Old Men: New Year, Same Old Crap
David Quantick

Following the phenomenal success of ‘Grumpy Old Men’, and ‘Grumpy Old Men on Holiday’, the guru of grump, David Quantick, takes a stand for miserable slobs everywhere against the self-help motivational mafia and keep-fit claptrap. The ultimate in stress-relief for the 21st-Century Grouch.Are you an irritable, crabby, cantankerous, malcontented old grump? Well relax, because you're not alone.Do you feel that the best way to cleanse your aura is to have trains that run on time, rather than “detoxing” with soybean-curd and shots of wheat germ, and that banning novelty mobile phone ring-tones would balance your chakras better than a course of crystal and hot-stones healing?If it is an intolerance of other people, rather than glucose, that gives you irritable bowel syndrome, and a gin and tonic soothes your karma better than ginseng and tofu ever could, then this book is for you.Apathetic malcontents unite! It’s time to roll up your yoga mats and use as draft excluders, line the cat’s litter tray with your organic, macrobiotic muesli, put your feet up on your “abs-crunching” exercise ball and make only ONE Resolution for the New year: to be grumpier and more bloody miserable than ever.Note that it has not been possible to include the same picture content that appeared in the original print version.

DAVID QUANTICK

GRUMPY OLD MEN

New Year, Same Old Crap

Contents

Cover (#ue58ad9ba-627c-5c73-86d7-23d95bb0c709)

Title Page (#u6616d44b-550c-5b97-9440-65973e889520)

INTRODUCTION (#ulink_329a210f-32b9-5091-9401-43173b52489b)

PEOPLE (#ulink_fdf5ebad-69ec-557b-b13a-3c7a36c00c9c)

TELEVISION, MUSIC & FILM (#ulink_6b99c7fd-774e-531a-8eff-1ae37d7ab12a)

ARTS & MEDIA (#ulink_43b4b451-4159-5647-9a6e-c064bc9eb02f)

TECHNOLOGY & NEW THINGS (#ulink_20267ac2-02ca-5bf6-8e7a-614c2c56ed01)

HEALTH & RECREATION (#ulink_5dab8ba6-1f98-5383-aa12-4da2d40cade8)

MODERN LIFE (#ulink_bea8ca0e-08c8-5053-8dfb-d5d9d0f6aaac)

MISCELLANEOUS OLD CRAP (#ulink_9e5752f4-b971-5416-8c5f-51ad39ca026d)

Copyright (#ulink_98680324-18a9-5af3-8b21-1e6651c40234)

About the Publisher

INTRODUCTION (#ulink_1a356ddf-74c7-5f0e-a22e-4bab82da5247)

There used to be a huge piece of graffiti somewhere in London (this was years ago when graffiti was actual words and sentences, not someone’s name spelt wrong in six different colours) that said, in huge wobbly letters, ‘MODERN LIFE IS RUBBISH’. Now there are two things here. One is that years later a pop group stole that slogan for an album title, which is just typical. Get your own ideas, poppy boys! And the other is slightly more profound. That graffiti was sprayed up over twenty-five years ago. So if modern life was rubbish then, think how much more rubbish it is now.

Because the times, as Bob Dylan told us much to our huge surprise, are a-changing. They are, in fact, a-getting worse. And all the nice new modern things that are supposed to make our lives easier are almost certainly making it worse. Take work. You may remember a while ago some nonsense about ‘the paperless office’. The idea was that when we all had computers and modems and wireless and so on, we’d no longer be printing documents and sending faxes and we’d manage without paper. And yet there seems to be more paper in offices than ever. Similarly, email. Does it speed up the pace of work life? It might, if we didn’t spend all day deleting spam and replying to idiots who want to know if we went to school with them, and looking at web groups online where someone has sent you an important message and that message turns out to be ‘Andrew is thinking of making himself a cup of tea’.

Modern life is more and more rubbish. And as it gets worse, men become more and more grumpy. The age limit for grumpiness seems to have been lowered, too. Grumpiness is no longer the preserve of the over-forties, or even the over-thirties. There are grumpy old men around who are barely out of their teens. And it’s getting grumpier out there. All teenagers are permanently grumpy anyway; and ninety per cent of primary-school children are officially fed-up. As life gets worse, grumpiness looks more and more like the only sensible option.

There’s never been a better time to be grumpy.