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‘Don’t tell anyone what I’m having done—how serious this is. I couldn’t bear to be thought of as an invalid.’
She ventured a look at Cameron. He had a reputation in court for being pitiless. Yet even he would feel some, she thought, if she told him about the heart condition that was threatening her mother’s life. Only a by-pass operation could offer her the chance of recovery, but the scheduled surgery had been postponed because of the ever-increasing cut-backs in the Health Service, and Nadine had had to watch, helpless, as her mother’s health gradually deteriorated, aware that even the simplest task now made her breathless and fatigued.
Yes, somehow she felt he’d understand. Only she couldn’t go back on the promise she had made to her mother. And not only that, Lisa had been her friend since childhood—had known both her parents—and if it ever got back to Dawn Kendall how she, Nadine, was financing her forthcoming operation…
Inwardly, she shuddered. Even with the payment Cameron had already made to her she’d met enough maternal objection when she’d let her mother believe she was simply using her savings to help meet the hospital’s fees. But if she ever discovered the truth…
‘Does there have to be a reason, m’lud?’ she parried lightly in response to his query about sacrificing herself. And in a desperate bid to keep her secret—change the subject—with a nervous little laugh she uttered flippantly, ‘Any more questions for the defence?’
Those shrewd eyes narrowed speculatively as he put down his glass. ‘I’m not a lord.’ Unpretentiously he drew attention to the way she had addressed him. ‘And certainly not a judge—yours or anybody else’s.’
But he was, she thought, sensing the assessment going on inside that brilliant brain. Fear was leaping through her—fear of another shaming submission and of the threat to her emotions that she neither wanted nor welcomed—as he slipped off his robe and, sliding back into bed with her, said with meaningful softness, ‘And no, there’ll be no more questions.’
Unusually edgy, Nadine started as the phone rang in the little Dickensian office.
‘Hi! It’s me. I thought I’d be back earlier than this but the car had other ideas.’
Nadine smiled, relaxing at the sound of her boss’s friendly voice. Recently qualified, Larry Lawson had joined the firm two years after she had, when her old boss had retired, and he promised to be a brilliant solicitor provided he kept a rather rebellious streak in check.
‘How’s your mother? Is she better?’
She had told him on Friday that she was spending the weekend with her mother as she wasn’t too well, but she had refrained from mentioning either the fact that she had spent those two days by her mother’s bedside in a private south coast hospital, or the vital surgery the woman had undergone during the previous week.
‘She’ll be OK,’ she responded, her chest tightening painfully as she said it. If only she could be sure!
‘In that case, could you prepare that brief I dictated to counsel as soon as you can? Thinking of which, I saw the man in action in court this morning—you know, that Laser v Brompton case? Holy mackerel! He isn’t called Hunter for nothing—the way that man hounds after the truth! It looks as though she might have been lying all the way through the proceedings, and if she has—heaven help her! He’ll make mincemeat of her!’
A sensation shivered through Nadine beneath the chic blue pin-striped suit. As he had done with her? Oh, not with that same skill of ruthless intellect for which he was renowned, but sensually, through a total devastation of her senses. Because he had made love to her again, several times during that pre-arranged weekend together, silently and clinically, without words, while she, after that first shameful loss of control, had been unable to withhold the response he’d so easily wrung from her.
And when he had driven her home at the end of that weekend he had seemed more aloof and remote from her than he had ever done, when she had wanted…what? Affection from him? No, of course not! she assured herself with biting self-castigation. He was another woman’s husband. Therefore, what right had she to feel so stupidly hurt and alone?
‘Hello? Are you still there?’
‘Yes…yes, I am.’ She had forgotten Larry on just hearing Cameron’s name. And that was wrong, a strong sense of integrity served to remind her. But she hadn’t seen or heard from him since that weekend, and that was nearly four weeks ago now. ‘I’d better ring off. I’m expecting another call,’ she advised a little tensely, omitting to add that what she was waiting for was the result of the test she had had done last week. When the phone rang again, the instant she put it down, she almost leapt out of her chair.
Her fingers were still trembling five minutes later as they picked out Lisa’s home number, her heart thudding, her thoughts chaotically numb. She had been praying she would be pregnant. She didn’t think she could take an assault on her senses by Cameron Hunter a second time without disastrous consequences to her emotions, though he had managed to remain entirely detached and uncommitted. And now…
‘Lisa?’ She took a deep breath and gave her friend the news.
‘Wow! What a stud I’m married to! He certainly didn’t waste any time with you, did he?’ Lisa responded—rather indelicately, Nadine thought, in the circumstances, though her friend sounded delighted enough. ‘So you’ll have the baby…I must admit that’s the only worry I would have had about carrying if I had been able to conceive—the fear of blowing up like a balloon and staying like it for ever afterwards.’ Lisa laughed, reminding Nadine of her friend’s constant battle to keep a check on her rather curvy figure. ‘I’ll get everything arranged. Nursery, nanny, toys, soundproof room. Only joking!’ she added quickly. ‘I might even decide to stay home and play full-time mother.’
Lisa was twenty-seven, three years older than herself, and had worked as a legal executive in the same law practice, which was how she, Nadine, had come to hear about the secretarial vacancy in the first place. At the time she had welcomed the move away from the man who was occupying too much of her thoughts and who was scarcely aware of her existence, fearing that her own violent crush on him was in danger of prejudicing her work.
It was Lisa who had brought him back into her life after meeting him at a party; Lisa who had been just as hopelessly ensnared by the terrifying strength of his attraction. After that he’d sometimes come into the office, or call at Lisa’s while Nadine was there. He’d been aloof, yet somehow more indulgent towards her then than when she had been working with him, little knowing how his lethal sexuality was affecting her as he watched her blossoming into full womanhood.
Sometimes, when he had smiled at her, it had been as if the earth was tipping off its axis. Indeed, the responses rocketing through her had been so profound she had deluded herself that he had to be feeling something too. But it was Lisa he had married so suddenly and unexpectedly four years ago; Lisa who had stayed on with the firm as an unwitting yet constant reminder of all Nadine had lost, with her bubbling happiness and her ceaseless fervour for him. She had only left on her doctor’s advice—rather futile, as it had turned out—that less pressure of work might bring her the child she wanted.
‘Am I the first to know? Oh, great!’ Having forced herself back to the present, Nadine could almost feel her friend’s joy. ‘Then let me tell Cameron. It’ll be as though I’m having this baby myself!’
Wistfully Nadine smiled. She could understand how Lisa felt. But her own emotions seemed numbed-strangely shell-shocked—as though she hadn’t yet begun again to feel.
‘You were certainly worth every cent, Nadine, so now you can go out and blow it! Plus you’ve had the added bonus of knowing what it’s like to sleep with Cameron Hunter!’
‘Lisa!’ Nadine felt hot colour invading her cheeks. She didn’t want to think about that. Nor could she tell her friend about her mother’s operation, and the expensive after-care on which the money was being spent.
‘Oh, come on, don’t be coy about it. I know you must have been simply dying to! If you aren’t admitting to it, then you’re the only one of my friends who hasn’t. But it does have its disadvantages, I can assure you now. As far as any other man’s concerned, you’ll be spoilt for life!’
Embarrassed, Nadine laughed awkwardly. Didn’t she already know that? ‘Be seeing you, Lisa,’ she said quickly, winding up the conversation and putting down the phone, wondering suddenly if Lisa had been drinking.
* * *
She was watching the end of a gripping thriller when the telephone rang that evening, the lateness of the hour making her heart lurch apprehensively as she crossed the small sitting room and switched off the television set to answer it. Supposing it was the hospital?
‘Nadine?’ The last thing she had expected to hear was Cameron Hunter’s deep voice. ‘Nadine, you sound worried. Are you all right?’
‘Yes. Yes, I’m fine.’ Hastily she pulled herself together. If she wanted to keep her troubles from anyone, it was him.
‘I believe congratulations are in order. Lisa told me. Any problems? Or are you feeling all right?’
Funny that he should be the one to ask that, she thought, because Lisa hadn’t.
‘No, none,’ she assured him, even if her knees did feel like jelly! And not only, she realised shamefully, from the dread of bad news about her mother.
‘You sound breathless. I hope I didn’t get you out of bed.’ There was more than courteous concern behind that remark.
‘No, you didn’t.’ Pique turned her cheeks to flame. She might be just a convenient womb for his child but he did, after all, have exclusive knowledge of her sleeping habits, and therefore shouldn’t have had the audacity to suggest anything else!
‘Good.’ Was that double-edged too? She wasn’t sure. ‘I merely wanted you to know that I intend to see that you get all the necessary care and assistance you need over the next eight months or so. I’ll have your medical fees taken care of.’ As he—albeit unwittingly—had made it possible for her to take care of her mother’s? ‘Any problems, ring me…or Lisa.’
‘Thanks.’ She wasn’t sure whether she had imagined that slight hesitancy in his voice. He sounded so coldly practical, though, as though he were simply dealing with one of his clients. But then that was all this was to him, wasn’t it? she thought poignantly. A business transaction. Even so, an unexpected wave of loneliness washed over her after he had rung off, so crushing that she found herself giving in to a sudden bout of tears, which she tried to justify as only the result of her condition coupled with the worries about her mother.
Days tumbled into a week, then two, during which Nadine arranged for her mother’s convalescence in a private nursing home nearer London, where she could receive the necessary care as well as the cardiac rehabilitation she needed at the nearby hospital—although Nadine was concerned to hear that her recovery was being impeded by a slight cold.
‘You’re looking downcast today,’ Larry remarked one morning, coming into Nadine’s office and catching her sitting at her desk in one of her anxious reveries. ‘What do I have to do to whip up a smile on that lovely face?’ And, with mischief in his eyes, ‘Ever been beaten with a will?’
Nadine ducked to avoid the rolled white parchment he was brandishing, his jocular play on words producing the desired effect.
‘You’ll never endear yourself to our senior partner,’ she chided laughingly. Beneath a wild mat of curly brown hair an ear-ring, she noticed, had made itself evident since the previous day.
‘Thank goodness for that!’ Larry laid a hand on his heart. ‘He’s not my type. But while we’re on the subject of being clobbered, you’ll be interested to know Hunter won that case for us—hot on the heels of his success with the Laser-Brompton affair. He must be every opponent’s nightmare. You should go and watch him handling a case some time, if you haven’t done so yet.’
A rush of nausea engulfed her, piercingly acute, and as she staggered to her feet to try and make it to the Ladies’ she heard Larry’s voice coming anxiously, distantly, behind her. ‘Gosh! You look ghastly! Are you all right?’
She was, eventually, and refused his advice to go home as well as his invitation to lunch.
‘Perhaps you had better go easy on the rations with an upset turn,’ he accepted, his obvious concern making her feel guilty in having led him to believe that that was all it was.
She felt better after grabbing a quick sandwich in town, but there was one problem worrying her that she had to straighten out with herself, once and for all.
Strong as her crush on Cameron Hunter had been as a teenager, she had been brutally forced to mature after he had married Lisa, resigning herself to the fact that he belonged to someone else. But ever since that weekend, when he had taken her to that hotel, those old feelings for him had returned with frightening tenacity, making her heart pound every time she heard his name, her temperature rise every time she thought about the mind-blowing skill in the way he had made love to her. And that was both stupid and ill-advisable, she warned herself chasteningly. She had to gain control of herself-strive for the detached and adult attitude in all this that he was obviously managing to maintain.
However, fate, it seemed, was out to test her that day, she decided when, having bought a few things in one of the department stores, she suddenly found herself taking a detour through the mother and baby department.
How strange that she should find herself looking at this, she thought, hesitantly fingering a small white matinee jacket that was hanging on a rail.
When the three of them had talked about this baby in the beginning, Lisa had said she would want to keep the facts of its birth a secret from it, but Cameron had insisted that every child had a right to the truth about its origins. But how would her child feel when it asked its parents, ‘What happened to my real mother?’ How would it react to them saying, ‘She gave you up for cash.’
No! The negation was so strong that she thought she had spoken it aloud. She was being silly. Her baby was going to have loving parents, a far more comfortable and privileged existence than any she could provide. And it wouldn’t have reason to think too harshly of her, surely—even if it didn’t realise it, it had been conceived so that its own grandmother might have the chance to live.
She turned away from the coat, but there were other things to torment her. Little jumpsuits. Rattles. Cuddly toys.
God! She needed a deep breath to stem the acute emotion that suddenly welled up inside her. She hadn’t reckoned on so much feeling so soon. And supposing Mum didn’t…
She couldn’t bring herself to form the thought in her mind. But this was Dawn Kendall’s grandchild she was carrying. Part of her mother. Part of herself. Perhaps the only blood relative she might have one day. Would she be strong enough when the time came simply to hand it over?
Determinedly she got a grip on her recalcitrant emotions, urging herself away from the baby department. Regardless of her own feelings, and the way she felt about the child’s father, she had entered into an agreement-had accepted money in part-payment under that agreement as well as giving Lisa the promise of hope in her childless marriage. She would—had to—remain detached.
Therefore, she decided, it would be best to avoid any further excursions into town by herself.
So when Larry rang her at the flat the following morning and invited her to go swimming with him during the lunch-break, happily she agreed, packing a swimsuit in her bag before she left for the office.
‘Very nice,’ he approved that lunchtime, when she surfaced from under the chlorinated blue water at the sports centre. Her pregnancy hadn’t yet begun to show, although the initial changes in her body had given a firm roundness to her breasts beneath the emerald satin of her swimsuit, temporarily giving her the voluptuous figure she had always envied Lisa. ‘Ever thought of getting involved with an up-and-coming solicitor?’
Larry’s eyes continued to appraise her, his dark hair plastered to his head. ‘Good prospects. Good sense of humour. And an immediate discount on any legal fees.’ He grinned.
‘Only if I can wear the ear-rings!’ Nadine teased, swimming away, because she knew Larry wasn’t really serious. At least, she hoped he wasn’t! Larry Lawson was certainly too unconventional for her!
She was walking back with him through the car park when she noticed the small white BMW convertible parked a little distance away, recognised the cerise silk blouse of the woman sitting in the driving seat.
‘It’s Lisa!’ Nadine hesitated, looking apologetically at the slim, rangy man beside her. ‘Would you mind if I just pop over and have a few words? I’ll see you in the car.’
She didn’t have any special reason for wanting to see Lisa, but she didn’t want her friend to drive off without knowing she was there. That was until she drew nearer the car, and then she stopped in her tracks, suddenly feeling rooted to the spot.
It was Lisa, all right. Nadine couldn’t fail to recognise the chic, short brown hair, raked through with blonde streaks and hard masculine fingers as her friend gave herself up to the arms of the man who was kissing her so passionately. Only it wasn’t Cameron!
Paralysed with shock, for a few moments Nadine couldn’t move. Then, gathering her faculties together, not wanting Lisa to see her, she tore blindly back across the car park.
How could she? The question harrowed her along with the nausea that sprang from more than just the early stages of her pregnancy. How could she? Lisa and another man?
She caught Larry’s surprised, ‘You weren’t long,’ as she climbed into the ancient purring Renault.
And all she could answer was, ‘No.’ She couldn’t believe it! Why would a woman married to a man like Cameron—a woman who had everything—want to…?
‘Are you OK?’ Larry directed a curious glance at her as he pulled out of the car park.
‘Yes,’ she answered mechanically. Only she wasn’t. Revulsion was sickening her. Revulsion and bewilderment, and the already dawning significance of the situation.
She was having a baby. The baby Lisa wanted. The baby she, Nadine, had thought was going to a loving, stable home with loving parents. But Cameron couldn’t know about this! Intuitively she knew he would never have planned a child if he had thought his marriage wasn’t one hundred per cent rock-solid, and she could never have believed Lisa would have—until now. But had she ever really known Lisa?
The seatbelt pulled painfully across her breasts as Larry braked behind the car he had been about to overtake.
‘Sorry.’ He grimaced apologetically. ‘This chap in front shouldn’t be on the road.’
Nadine forced a wan smile, still deep in the mire of her thoughts about Lisa. Lisa and that other man. She had always known her friend was volatile, perhaps even a little neurotic at times recently, but she had put that down to Lisa’s desperation for a baby. And now…
Absently she brushed her damp hair back from her face, staring sightlessly at the busy road ahead. Lisa was deceiving them both—her and Cameron. So how could she, Nadine, hand over her own baby to a woman who was obviously unstable? Deliver it into a home that could wind up broken—just as her own had been?
She scarcely knew what she was doing that afternoon. The decision to which she had come was something that had to be acted upon—and quickly—and her insides were churning queasily as she rang the number of Cameron’s chambers.
What was she going to say to him? I need to see you? And if he agreed to her request, what then?
A mixture of contrary emotions ran through her as a feminine voice told her, ‘I’m afraid he’s still in court. Can I get him to call you when—and if—he comes back?’
‘No!’ Her insides were tying themselves in knots. She didn’t want him ringing her at the office. This matter was too private to risk discussing with anyone else around, apart from which she didn’t think she could stand the suspense of waiting for his call.
‘I’ll try again later,’ she volunteered, feeling like a coward, but as she put down the phone she knew she couldn’t just sit around hoping for him to come back.
She asked Larry if he’d mind her leaving early, and was relieved when he instantly assumed she was still feeling off-colour from the previous day, which ruled out the need for any further explanations, and within minutes she was on her way to the courts.
Hot, her pulse racing, she nevertheless slipped on her light summer jacket as she entered the great Gothic-style building. A security man searched her bag—along with those of other visitors and tourists—before allowing her in through the awesome grandeur of the main hall.
‘Do you know where I’ll find Cameron Hunter?’ Urgently she asked what looked like a member of court staff, and above the echoing sounds of other voices and general activity he started to say something, just as a more familiar voice spoke from behind.
‘Nadine?’
Her breath seemed to lock in her lungs as she swung to face him. Black-gowned, file under his arm, the familiar wig crowning those strong, disciplined features, he looked the intimidating advocate that these days even his more experienced colleagues held in the greatest esteem. That ruthless bearing about him served only to heighten that devastating sexual aura surrounding him.
‘What is it?’ His shoes made a light tap on the mosaic paving as he came towards her, as austere a figure as his stern forebears, staring down at her from the imposing walls. ‘Is anything wrong?’
Nadine swallowed. How could she tell him without incriminating Lisa? How could she explain her decision without giving him a reason why?
‘I—I can’t keep our agreement.’ That wigged forehead creased as though he couldn’t quite grasp what she was saying. ‘I’m keeping the baby.’ It came out too bluntly with the effort of trying to keep her voice steady, and her stomach muscles tightened as Cameron’s eyes glittered like dark sapphires.
‘You what?’
Oh, heaven! What could she say? I love it! And I can’t give my baby up to a woman who can’t even be faithful to her husband! How could she tell him that without causing serious consequences to his marriage?
‘I’m keeping it,’ she repeated tremulously, shuddering from the daunting challenge written in every hard line of his face.
‘And just what—?’
‘Hunter!’
He broke off as someone called to him and as he glanced towards the similarly robed man who was gesturing to him, saying something about seeing the judge, Nadine seized her opportunity and fled.
Oh, what a stupid, stupid thing to do! Breathless, blood racing, she came out into the bright July sunshine, anxiously glancing back over her shoulder with a sigh of relief to realise that Cameron hadn’t chased after her. He probably had more pressing business with the judge. But if her decision had angered him, then running away like that would only have incensed him further, she realised dauntingly. Only what else could she have done?
She had no sound explanation to offer for her decision to keep the baby—only the truth. And there was no way that she was going to tell him that! If Lisa was playing around it was hardly her business, or her right to bring it to his attention. What was her business, though, was making certain that her baby had a secure and happy home. And if that meant having one parent instead of two, as originally planned, then it would have to be.
