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Chapter 71. Are You in It to Give or Receive?
Chapter 72. Fight!
Chapter 73. You Need to Forgive
Chapter 74. Labels Are Dehumanizing
Chapter 75. Celebrate Your Scars
Chapter 76. Validation Is a Helluva Drug
Chapter 77. Fake It ’til You Make It
Chapter 78. Baby Steps Add Up
Chapter 79. You Only Have So Much Time
Chapter 80. Don’t Infect Yourself with Negativity
Chapter 81. Words Are Weapons, If You Allow Them to Be
Chapter 82. You Are a Work of Art in Progress
Chapter 83. Losing a Piece of Ourselves
Chapter 84. Don’t Be Too Hard on Yourself
Chapter 85. What’s Right and Wrong?
Chapter 86. Embrace Your Challenges
Chapter 87. How Rarely They Think of Us
Chapter 88. Love and Logic Won’t Hold Hands
Chapter 89. Smile to Feel It or Conceal It?
Chapter 90. Killing Expectations Births Happiness
Chapter 91. What’s Taking Up Space in Your Life?
Chapter 92. Living the Width of Your Life
Chapter 93. The More Love You Give, the More You Get?
Chapter 94. The Only Constant
Chapter 95. No Minimums on Appreciation
Chapter 96. Who Holds the Key to Your Happiness?
Chapter 97. Starting Is the Hardest Part
Chapter 98. Don’t Hold Yourself Back
Chapter 99. Happiness Is Not a Place
Chapter 100. Some Folks Are Addicted to Misery
Chapter 101. The Most Important Chapter in This Book
Acknowledgments
About the Author
About the Publisher
INTRODUCTION (#u3f2c180d-fb79-5a21-895c-4b584953ce1a)
Have you ever told a six-year-old to put on their boots and snowsuit? Well, they put on the boots first and then struggle to get the snowsuit over them. When I was an elementary school teacher, I quickly realized it wasn’t always what I said to them, it was how I said it. Kids are empty vessels and sponges, and they soak in so much consciously and unconsciously, until it’s absorbed as “how things should be.” As we get older, this doesn’t change much: we continue to soak in messages, often without realizing it.
We stick to a script that hasn’t been edited in decades, and we serve as both prisoner and guard to the status quo. The thing with the script is that it comes with some big promises, both spoken and unspoken. Be a good person and good things will happen to you; show people love and they will show love to you; play by the rules and good guys will always win. Most of these ideas got reinforced by our parents, teachers, Full House, and our understandable urge to fit in.
Part of that script includes the idea that we need to be more, we need to get more attention, love, significance, Pokémon, and validation. We climb endless mountains daydreaming of how wonderful it’s going to feel once we reach the top. That feeling will be so wonderful that we won’t stop and take a minute to enjoy the view. If we play this game long enough it stops being fun.
And that’s probably why you’re here.
I didn’t write this book to write a book. I, like you, found myself lying on the floor feeling sorry for myself, betrayed, frustrated, and most importantly, powerless. My best friends were NyQuil and this muscle relaxer I still can’t pronounce. My strategy during the lowest points in my life was simple: sleep, and wait for someone else to clean this all up for me.
But the teachers were long gone, Uncle Jesse was nowhere to be found, and all I had was a broken heart, a cloudy mind, and a very comfortable bed.
Just like you, I have conversations in my head all day, and not many of those conversations during this time were pleasant. I made a lot of mistakes, and just like you, I beat myself up over and over, reliving each and every mistake, imagining a life where I could do it over, and feeling everything would have been better then. Looking back, I realized one of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking I was the only one going through this shit.
We can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. When we tell ourselves that no one understands us, it’s an easy trick for feeling connected to something; but it usually just means feeling sorry for ourselves. I was feeling sorry for myself for a long time, until I realized we’re all in the exact same boat. If we’re all in the same boat, why not connect with each other?
The moment I realized I wasn’t alone I began to share the conversations I was having with myself publicly. These conversations came from a version of myself that was trying to make sense of shattered pictures in front of him. As time went by, those conversations became a journey that allowed me to understand and gain clarity about the world inside me. That understanding also brought clarity and helped embolden my message to the world around me.
I’m not here to solve your problems. I’m here to remind you that all you’ve been doing, since the doctor smacked your butt, is solving problems, and if you want to continue facing life, the most important thing isn’t learning the new lessons you have to learn, it is unlearning the old ones we have to let go of.
Sometimes letting go is as simple as telling the six-year-olds to put their snowsuits on first and then their boots, and other times it’s taking the thick marker in your junk drawer that nobody ever uses and making massive revisions to that outdated script we’ve been taught to follow.
We can’t make those revisions if we don’t know where we want our story to head, and we can’t decide our story unless we discover and decide ourselves. This book is the sandpaper to help clear the rust from stale narratives, and the microscope to get a clearer view. This book is here to help you reconnect with what you already know. Like all of us, you’ve just been distracted by the bullshit in life. Let go of everything else. The more of this bullshit we let go, the more room we create to look inward to find things we’re authentically enthusiastic about. Discovering those things that excite us will allow us to decide where we want our life to head.
I’m a lifelong learner, and I have always been the kid in the class who likes sharing his notes. This book is a collection of those notes I took along the way. Truth will always be a hard pill to swallow, so the least we can do is to keep it simple. (Plus, teaching children taught me to keep my words short and sweet.)
I’m not one of those guys who promised himself he’d write a book one day and followed through. I’m the guy who, just like you, has no choice but to stare my struggles in the eyes and explore them before they devour me. This book is that journey. Along the way, I left teaching to pursue my creative work full-time. After many uncomfortable years, I reached success as a musician and spoken-word artist in ways I could never have predicted. I then realized my purpose extended beyond those art forms, and I explored different avenues to bring the sparks in my mind to life. I direct my own music videos and design my own clothes, and here we are reading my book. Throughout this journey, I unlearned flawed, fixed scripts and relearned incredible lessons about life, love, loss, and myself. This book won’t spare you heartbreak, anxiety, regret, or any other kind of suffering; it’ll remind you of just how important they really are. As creators, we all learn from observing, and sometimes our best teachers can be ourselves.
This shit doesn’t get easier, we just get stronger. We become wiser when we realize how much we can learn from our yesterdays, and we become lighter as we let go of old ideas, beliefs, and values that serve no value to our future. This has been our story since the beginning of time. Along the ride, so many things piled up to make it more difficult, but sometimes all we have to do to keep it moving is let go.
Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. Since first publishing this book myself in 2014, it’s gotten so many people around the world tangled in my beard, and has connected us in ways I could never imagine. The most valuable thing isn’t the money you (or the person you stole this from) spent on the book, it is the time you’ve invested in reading it. Because what you’re doing is investing in yourself, and I appreciate being a part of that with my heart.
Thank you for connecting.
Kanwer Singh
@humblethepoet (http://www.twitter.com/humblethepoet)
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The journey of my life is no different from the journey of anyone else on this planet. There have been brilliant moments and moments that still make me cringe when I think about them. I’m haunted by my past and worried about my future just as much as anyone else. I’m confident that I’m not the only one going through the peaks and valleys of life. The realization that I’m not alone allows me to understand how normal these things really are. We tend to amplify our problems and sink into a center-of-the-world mentality, thinking that the entire universe is conspiring against us; it’s not.
We all have conversations with ourselves: in the shower, on the way to work, late at night—sleepless in bed. I took these conversations and just started typing and sharing them with the people in my life who wanted to hear them. If you’re reading this, that includes you.
Loneliness can be a horrid feeling, and it’s amazing how quickly it can dissipate when we realize how much we have in common with other folks; ironically, the room is full of folks who feel alone. The remedy I found that works best to combat this feeling is to simply connect with others.
I’m an observer and a creator. This means I simply try to pay attention and restate what I’ve learned in the way I understood it. I worked as an elementary school teacher for over half a decade, and those experiences taught me to keep my communications short and sweet. Information in small chunks is easier to absorb. That’s what this book is—a collection of nuggets to remind you of the things that keep this wild ride steady. I use the word remind because we have all had our flashes of brilliance and greatness throughout life, and whether or not we knew it, the mindsets we had during those moments can be applied to our challenges today, to help us overcome them.
I appreciate the time you’ve taken to check this out and hope you enjoy my work as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please soak in what you like, disregard what you don’t, and share whatever you feel someone else needs to hear.
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There aren’t very many straight lines in nature, and that includes your life. When reading through this book, the first thing I want you to let go of is the idea of a straight line. You’re going to come to points in this book where you stop and say, “Didn’t he already say that?” The answer is, “YES!” Anything worth saying is worth repeating. It’s rare that we come across something worthwhile in life, and a single encounter is enough for it to stay with us. This book was written as much more of a cycle than simply having a beginning, middle, and end.
Ideas need to be reinforced and revisited to settle themselves into us. These days, information is being taken in at such a rate that it’s forgotten before the page is even turned (assuming people still turn pages). Any skill worth having requires practice, and practice is simply repetition over and over until it becomes second nature.
There’s very little order in this book; you can read it backwards, start from the middle, or read every other chapter; the content here only has value when it connects with you. What you read at fifteen will have a completely different relevance when you’re twenty-five. I hope you decide to revisit these writings and build new connections with the ideas as your own journey continues.
The thoughts and ideas presented are nothing revolutionary. They’ve been around for thousands of years, and most of this wisdom already exists within us—we just need to shed some of the other things the world has put on top. We gain more from letting go; there’s nothing mystical or secretive about this idea. This book is meant to agree with and bring out the wisdom you already possess.
No matter the shape of your life and journey, I hope this book makes the trip a bit more enjoyable.
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Just send $19.99 to … I’m kidding.
Write down five things in your life that you’re grateful for, or write ten.
A simple shift in what your mind is paying attention to can do wonders for the way you feel. It’s not a trick, it’s not a gimmick, it’s respecting the fact that happiness is a mindset, so SET YOUR MIND TO HAPPINESS BY THINKING OF HAPPY SHIT.
It doesn’t last, but is it supposed to? Does it make sense to be happy ALL the time? If you were happy all the time, would we even know what happiness was anymore?
Improve your relationship with all your emotions because there’s a lot to discover from them. I’m grateful that I have a variety of emotions. They teach me something new about myself on a regular basis.
We hide the darkness with our smiles, feel lonely in crowded rooms, and become so accustomed to these feelings that we begin to believe they’re a part of who we are.
They’re not. You won’t be the same person if you let them go, you’ll be better.
People who aren’t happy with what they have won’t be happy with what they get. This mindset can be both beneficial and burdensome. Some folks find happiness in the pursuit itself and are grateful for the opportunity.
Personally, I’m not looking to be happy all the time, nor do I want to be satisfied and content. I enjoy an ambitious hunger, and as long as I’m moving forward, learning, sharing, and growing, I’ll be grateful for every nugget that comes my way, whether it be shit or gold.
What are you grateful for?
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Unhappiness is simply when the picture in your head doesn’t match the picture in front of you. Some folks aren’t happy because they don’t have what they want, or they aren’t where they wish to be. Some just feel horrible about themselves. Maybe they’re comparing themselves to others, or even a former version of themselves. Either way, the simple equation is the mismatch of how you want it with how it is.
How you want it isn’t set in stone. Most of us have wanted something for a long time, and once receiving it, realize it wasn’t all that, and what we had propped up in our mind was an inflated sense of euphoria or contentment. Wanting less will definitely make you happier than getting more.
How it is isn’t set in stone either. We see what we choose. Most of the improvements I’ve made in my life this past year came from tweaking the way I saw the things that were always around me. I stopped seeing my mistakes as failures but rather as valuable (or expensive) lessons. Roadblocks became speed bumps and hurdles. Reasons to quit became reasons to adapt (or motivation to smash through).
Let’s not get it twisted—I’m not a Zen Buddha baby. Bellyaching is still an art to me, and I complain about things that make first world problems look legit. I do, however, only give myself about ten minutes to be a Sad Panda before I move forward. I ask myself, “How did you want it?,” re-evaluate how it is, and try to tweak and adjust both to bring them a bit closer together.
Expectations are a bigger enemy to our happiness than our circumstances; the fewer expectations you have, the better off you are. Couple that with a Positive Pete set of goggles and things will feel even a bit more smile-worthy.
It’s also important to remember that everlasting happiness is a concept only promised by preachers and infomercials. It’s healthy to have a myriad (that’s a smart word for “a bunch”) of emotions occupying the hotel of your heart. Welcome them all in, and experience them the way they’re meant to be (just clean up afterwards). You’ll also realize the relationships between them. The less things anger you, the less things will excite you. The less things make you cry, the less things will make you laugh. Different life experiences are going to break barriers within you and you’ll respond emotionally to things you never connected to before (like getting all teary-eyed every time you watch the end of that Fresh Prince episode when his pops bails on him *sniff*).
The next time you’re having a Sad Panda moment can be the next time you ask yourself about the picture in your head and the picture in front of you. That moment of realization and discovery will put you in a position of power to mold both ends to bring them closer together. It works better than junk food—sometimes, that is.
PLEASE NOTE: Emotions are related to chemicals in your brain and a few paragraphs from a rhyming Beardo may not suffice. Don’t ever be afraid to seek help if you start to feel helpless and overwhelmed. I have, and it has helped a lot.
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Fear is a gift.
I’m talking about the fear we have that gives us a jolt when in danger. The jolt gives us either what’s necessary to deal with that danger, or what’s necessary to get the fuck out of the way. That type of fear is something we only feel in the present, and it generally lasts for a short time.
Humans are funny creatures because we can carry fears even when out of danger. If you’ve ever been a victim of a crime you know how it lingers and disrupts the normalcy of your life for quite some time. It messes with your sleep, keeps you on edge in seemingly safe situations, and can serve to paralyze you when you try to move forward.
On top of that, we have this awesome (remembering that the word awesome doesn’t always mean a good thing) ability to create fear, not only in ourselves, but also in others. These fears include (but aren’t limited to) fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of embarrassment, fear of loss, fear of change, and fear of truth. These fears are technically considered phobias because they’re irrational and don’t actually involve danger.
Asking that girl for her number and having her reply with an “eww no” isn’t going to be the end of your existence. It may feel shitty, and the desire to not feel shitty may keep you from asking her. The same way the fear of disappointing others keeps you from switching out of biology class into a modern dance class, dating outside your bubble, or leaving your job as a teacher to be a rap singer.
These phobia-type fears aren’t gifts like the adrenaline rush you get when the car in front of you stops suddenly and you need to react tout de suite. That adrenaline goes away after a few minutes since it has served its purpose. Phobias only seem to grow in magnitude and multiply.
We all have these phobias, and the ones we carry are as unique as we are. As a mass of people, we can have collective phobias, and these phobias have been exploited and used to control us like lab rats for decades (word to Edward Bernays).
We avoid those feelings by playing it safe, or playing along. Our fear of exclusion motivates our assimilation. Our fear of not being noticed motivates our loud behavior. Our fear of loneliness motivates the personal sacrifices and compromises we think are necessary to be accepted by others. We’re all doing the same dance but think we’re in it alone because we’re moving to different music.
The courage we need to develop is not the knight-in-shining-armor, super-duper-confidence-unfazed courage. It’s the recognition of what we fear, and deciding that even with the tiniest baby steps, we move forward despite it. What you fear isn’t the roadblock; allowing the fear to keep you from moving is the real obstacle. FDR said it during one of America’s lowest times: “The only thing to fear is fear itself.”
Whenever I have issues or find myself feeling uneasy or hesitant, I ask myself, “What are you afraid of?” Answering that question clarifies who I am, and it’s the first step to overcoming that fear. In most cases, what I fear is dramatically worse than the reality of the situation.
As I go through these adventures being a public figure and hear every opinion across the spectrum, everything I ever feared people would think of me, they already have. Yet here I am, still breathing, beard still soft, rhymes only getting better, learning lessons even quicker. I’ve seen people dig themselves out of holes a million times worse than some of my created phobias.
No one is fearless, but the bravest people I know are those who are most in tune with their fears and phobias and have decided not to let them get in the way of their happiness.
As always, this is going to require you to have a conversation with yourself to discover these fears. Identifying them will be the first step to conquering them.
