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With Diane’s bags offloaded into the sitting room and breakfast eaten, they headed out in search of a supermarket.
‘I’ll buy the food, darling. It’s the least I can do,’ said Diane.
‘No, no, you’re on leave,’ Anna said matter-of-factly. ‘In fact, how did you manage to wangle time away from work at the magazines? And didn’t Tracey want you to do the make-up on the set of that new Brit film?’
Diane worked as a freelance photographer and make-up artist – often combining the two – and she was good, very good. They’d first met through Barry, who clearly had some sort of crush on her.
‘Anna, I’d like to introduce you to the next Annie Leibovitz.’ He grinned broadly. ‘She just did a shoot with the one and only…’
Anna had watched them both steadily, waiting.
‘Alice Cooper!’ Diane had eventually announced proudly. ‘And I did his make-up.’
‘But he’s a man,’ Anna commented drily.
‘Yeah, so?’ Her grin faded and she arched an overplucked brow. ‘You want me to do your make-up?’
Barry rested his pudgy hand on Diane’s shoulder. ‘That’s my girl.’
Barry had given them their next job and, as they discussed how best to work London Fashion Week, Diane set about working her magic on Anna’s face. She hadn’t the heart to tell Diane she wasn’t sure the orange lipstick and glitter lashes really suited her, but she had found a soulmate. They went out and danced all night, drank cheap shots, and Anna quickly forgot she looked like a clown as they downed another round of Flaming Sambucas.
Anna glanced at her friend and thought she saw a look of worry cross her pretty features; but then, as quickly as it had arrived, it disappeared and Diane smiled at her. It was good to have her here, Anna thought. Diane looked in the small cosmetic mirror and reapplied her bright-pink lipstick with a steady hand as Anna drove. Smacking her lips, Diane turned in her seat and handed Antonia her lipstick. ‘You want some?’
‘No!’ Anna said, fearing this might be the first step in her daughter losing her childhood. She watched in horror as Antonia pushed the waxy lipstick against her mouth and drew a long line across her cheek, her forehead and back down to her mouth. Freddie laughed and grabbed the lipstick off his sister and roughly slathered the lipstick over his lips and nose. ‘Oh bugger.’ Now her son was experimenting with make-up. Joy.
‘Diane,’ she said crossly, ‘they’re five.’ She gave her a sidelong look. ‘Five.’
‘Yeah, well, they need to learn sometime, don’t they?’ She nodded, taking the stub of lipstick off Freddie. ‘They’re both naturals.’
‘Freddie is a boy.’ Anna turned the car into the Waitrose car park. ‘And now I have children who look like a Harley Street doctor has marked them up for cosmetic surgery.’ She pulled into a space and turned off the engine, before swivelling round in order to get a better look. ‘Oh bloody hell.’
‘Oh, buggy hell,’ Antonia said, clearly having decided her mother swearing wasn’t so bad after all. Anna knew it: lipstick had been a catalyst to puberty.
‘You’re going to have stay here with the children,’ she said to Diane. ‘We can’t go around the supermarket looking like… like this.’
Freddie sliced the air like a ninja. She didn’t have the heart to tell him he was about as far from inconspicuous as a little-boy ninja could possibly be.
Diane nodded. ‘Fine. I’ll tell the children about the latest celebrity I had to make up.’
‘OK. Good.’ Anna grabbed her bag out of the footwell under Freddie’s feet and got out of the car. ‘Who was it, by the way?’ She stood and bent in. ‘Who was the celebrity?’
‘Only Marilyn Manson!’ Diane said delightedly.
Now having second thoughts, Anna was about to suggest that Diane go round the supermarket alone, when Diane pushed a wad of twenties into her hand.
‘Where did you get this money?’ Anna stared at the two hundred-odd pounds in disbelief. ‘Have you robbed a bank?’
‘Have I robbed a bank?’ Diane threw her head back, laughing. ‘Kids, she thinks Auntie Dee-Dee would rob a bank.’
‘No, seriously, have you?’
‘Darling, if I’d robbed a bank, I’d be halfway to the Canary Islands by now, not kipping at my friend’s ramshackle cottage in Twee-ville.’
‘OK, so where? Have you taken out all your savings?’
‘Nope.’ She smiled. ‘Turns out Alice Cooper loved the bat I painted on his left cheek and the fangs I drew on with the kohl, so he found out my address and thanked me personally… Sent me a cheque emblazoned with a chicken. How cute is that?’
‘Cute,’ Anna said drily.
Diane shrugged. ‘Hence, Manson knocking on my counter, so to speak.’ She flung her arms out. ‘Darlings, turns out I am a big hit among the lords of the heavy metal.’ She grinned conspiratorially at Anna. ‘So, when I got your call last night, I figured I’d follow my bestie to Wiltshire and, if it worked and we ended up living together, I’d set up my own business in a shed or something and cater to the heavy metal stars of the shires.’
Anna suppressed a giggle. ‘What you really mean is you’ve been sent by Barry to take photos of me in the countryside and this was an advance?’
‘Yeah,’ she said, sucking her cheeks in in defeat. Then, a moment later, her energy returned and she said, ‘But Alice was telling me he owns a mansion up the road from you and Manson said he lives in Gloucestershire. I mean, seriously, it’ll be big. And what about Osborne? Isn’t his wife British? And, I mean, I’ll do either sex, so to speak. It’s going to be huge.’ She nodded her head defiantly. ‘Epic, in fact.’
Anna closed the car door and walked off, smiling. Diane, the girl who had never been out of London, was in for a shock, she thought, walking past a dozen Jack Russells tied up at the entrance to Waitrose and joining the throng of tweed and wax jackets. She grabbed a trolley and kept her head down, suddenly feeling very out of place in her scruffy denim jacket and I’M NOT SMALL, JUST FUN SIZE long-sleeve T-shirt. She made a mental note to visit Joules.
She started to fill the trolley with fruit and salad, feeling increasingly virtuous and like Mother Earth, until she reached the cake and sweet aisles, whereupon the thin layer of five-a-days was soon covered in Freddie’s favourite biscuits, Antonia’s Gummy Bears and her cake. Diane loved crisps so she picked up a buy-one-get-one-free multipack (she thought it uneconomical not to) and stocked up on spaghetti hoops and ketchup.
She was so busy debating the merits of Waitrose’s own alphabet spaghetti versus Heinz’s, she didn’t notice him until he was almost on top of her.
‘I’m a sucker for them.’
She turned quickly and found herself face to face with Richard. Blushing, she wondered why he had to find her in this aisle, whereas, in a Hollywood film, she would probably have been demurely selecting caviar or a rabbit’s leg. Not bloody alphabet spaghetti.
‘Hi,’ she said. ‘Yeah, me too.’ Lame, she thought. ‘What brings you here?’ She looked down and noticed the bacon and eggs in his hand. ‘Come to woo another woman?’
Oh bugger, did she actually say that out loud?
He smiled. ‘My mother wanted them. You had the food out of the farm shop, but mother doesn’t think anything that hasn’t been through a factory and has Waitrose stamped across the top can be hygienic.’
‘Oh.’ She smiled. ‘Well, we’re awfully grateful.’ She pushed her hand through her hair and leant her weight against the store shelf. ‘It was…’ She opened her mouth and tried to reproduce the same vowel sounds as Richard. ‘It was raaaaahlllly good of you.’
He laughed and winked. ‘You’re very welcome. Hope you can come to the farm sooner rather than later.’
She nodded, her smile quickly fading at the sight of Diane and the twins searching the aisle for her, their faces still covered in lipstick. Worse still, Diane had drawn the previously mentioned Alice Cooper fangs on herself. Oh bugger, thought Anna, she needed to hide. She bent her knees, angling her body behind Richard’s.
‘Everything OK?’ he asked, bemused.
As Diane and the twins marched towards her, she dived headfirst into the pulses. ‘Just remembered I need some kidney beans…’
‘Right.’ He crouched down. ‘Shall I get them for you?’ He handed her the tin at the front.
Anna spotted Diane, feet away, out the corner of her eye. ‘I only like the ones from the back. You know, in case they’ve been tampered with.’ She laughed hysterically and he obligingly shrugged and made his way to the back of the shelf. Anna took the opportunity to catch Diane’s eye and shoo her away, but as Diane neared, she ignored her (Anna had forgotten she was as blind as a bat, but, through vanity, refused to wear glasses), and she mistakenly swatted Richard’s face with her hand as he rose to a standing position.
It was too late.
‘God, sorry,’ Anna said to Richard, shooting Diane evils. ‘Are you OK?’ She flicked her hand. ‘Hand twitch.’
‘Mummy…’ Freddie indicated his sister. ‘Toni just wet her pants.’
Anna righted herself. ‘Why?’
‘Auntie Dee-Dee played the drink water till you wet yourself game.’
Diane hadn’t stopped staring at Richard and offered her hand as if she were the lady of a manor. ‘Diane. How lovely to meet you.’
‘Richard. And I love your costume,’ Richard said kindly. ‘In fact, I love all of your costumes.’
‘Oh this…’ Diane was about to lurch into an explanation but Anna cut her short.
‘Yes, they’re practising for Halloween,’ Anna said, a smile plastered on her face.
‘Excellent.’ Richard nodded at her. ‘So, you’re a vampire and you two are…’
‘Peppa Pig,’ Anna said quickly. ‘Only we didn’t have enough pink for their entire faces.’
Diane scowled. ‘I am not…’
Anna stepped firmly on her toe and Diane let out a squeak. ‘I guess we’d better be going. Farm.’ Anna smiled manically. ‘Soon. Definitely.’ She backed off quickly, taking Diane firmly by the arm.
‘Right, wine and then we go,’ she whispered hotly.
‘God,’ Diane said, her fangs moving up and down as she spoke, ‘what’s got into Compton?’ She peered more closely at Anna, who was busying herself with the label on some Pinot Grigio.
‘Do you know this one?’ Anna held up the bottle. ‘Lychees. It’s got lychees in it. We like lychees, don’t we? Or…’ She moved hurriedly along the aisle. ‘Maybe we should just get more Merlot. I mean, why mix the poisons?’
‘God.’ Diane stepped in front of Anna, blocking her view of the wines. ‘You don’t just think he’s hot. You’re smitten with el Ricardo. Compton’s only gone all mushy and girly on me.’
Anna looked at her. ‘Well, you know, he’s nice. That’s all I’m saying.’
‘He is nice.’ Diane nodded and started chanting under her breath. ‘He is niiiiiiice. Capital N. Capital I. Capital C. Capital E. Nice.’
‘Oh, didn’t realise you were literate,’ Anna said, smiling.
‘Did we ruin your moment?’ Diane grabbed a couple of bottles of Sambuca off the shelf. ‘For old times’ sake.’ She held the bottles up.
‘No.’ Anna went to put them back. ‘That’s not my life any more.’ She looked at the twins.
Diane nodded solemnly, putting them back. ‘You’re right,’ she said, picking up a three-litre box of wine. ‘We must at least pretend not to be alcoholics and there is no easier way than with the silent box. No embarrassing clanking of bottles on recycling day. Oh yes, my friend.’ She held the box up as if in an ad. ‘You too, ladies and gentlemen, can fool your neighbours into thinking you’re a saint.’
Anna burst out laughing. ‘Come on, you. The children need feeding and we need an early night because tomorrow we start on the house.’
‘Meaning?’
She hooked arms with Diane. ‘Meaning mops, dusters and toilet cleaner.’
Diane pulled a face. ‘Top bags dusting.’
Freddie came running back over from the next aisle with a bottle of Captain Morgan in his hands. ‘Mummy, look.’ He put it in the trolley. ‘It’s what pirates drink.’
Diane headed for the checkout. ‘God, I love your kids.’
Rural Speed Dating (#ulink_2e273d31-7c5d-5edb-8c40-4715e6f2056c)
A couple of hours, later Diane had unpacked her bags; in other words, she had taken them upstairs and laid her make-up out on the bathroom shelf. Anna had finally got around to setting the twins up in the bedroom at the top of the cottage. Its sloping ceilings were going to be the death of Anna but Freddie and Antonia could bounce around totally unaware. She had made the beds and placed Freddie’s blue quilt with the ship over his bed to the left. He had chosen the bed nearest the window because, as he was a ninja, he would be ready to protect Antonia. On Antonia’s bed, Anna had spread the pink quilt with the pony. It looked warm and cosy with the nightlight she had brought with them.
Diane was upstairs telling them a bedtime story after their bath and Anna was cleaning up the remains of supper. She had made spag bol, or something vaguely resembling a spag bol, and the children had eaten half an orange each without complaint. Anna hadn’t fed them any greens or fruit since they arrived and was convinced the early stages of scurvy were setting in. She could hear the children’s laughter from the top of the house and hoped Diane wasn’t getting them overexcited so that they wouldn’t sleep at all. Anna listened at the bottom of the stairs and heard Diane shout, ‘Then he only went and bit off a live chicken’s head.’
Oh bum.
Her phone started to buzz in her pocket, interrupting her thoughts, and her heart lifted at the fact that someone from the ‘outside’ was trying to contact her; perhaps they weren’t so remote after all. She looked at the screen. Barry.
Oh bum, again.
‘Hello?’
‘It’s Barry.’ His voice filled the phone. ‘How was the move?’
‘Fine, thanks.’
‘Is Diane there?’
‘Yes.’ Anna rolled her eyes. ‘She’s here.’
He giggled excitedly. ‘Great, great.’ He breathed heavily. ‘Now, thing is, Compton, I need your column to start in this weekend’s paper.’
‘Barry, I’ve only just arrived.’
‘Yes,’ he said, ignoring her. ‘And what have you got so far?’
‘Barry…’ She was sterner now. ‘I’ve only just arrived at a house that needs a serious dose of TLC, I’m trying to settle the twins and, other than meeting a couple of locals and receiving a letter from my aunt, nothing’s happened.’
‘Well, thing is, I really need this.’ He suddenly sounded desperate. ‘The Post is going under unless I can come up with something that makes us stand out.’ He paused. ‘Now, I’m not saying your move to the country is going to chime with all our readers, but if you were prepared to give it a bit of welly…’ He stopped, barking out a laugh. ‘Welly? Get it?’
‘Yes,’ Anna said, through gritted teeth.
‘Well, basically, I’m sure Diane has told you she’s lost her job with the magazines and that she’s having to give up her rented flat in London?’
Anna took a sharp intake of breath. ‘Yes, of course she has,’ she lied, glancing up the stairs.
‘Right, well, we all need each other right now.’ He stopped, drew breath. ‘I’m out of a job if I don’t make this newspaper sing and you two clearly need the money. Can we do this?’
Anna heard Diane stirring on the stairs. ‘Barry, let me call you back in the morning, OK?’
A couple of minutes later, Diane trooped down the stairs. ‘I love your children. They’re like the perfect audience.’
Anna handed her a glass of wine and headed over to the sofa. ‘Look what I found on the mat.’
