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‘No.’ Daisy waved it off. ‘It’s all this. I can’t do it. I’ve lost me. Does that make any sense?’
Lisa nodded. ‘I thought it might make you feel better.’ She paused. ‘You know, getting out and going shopping.’ She hung her head. ‘I’m sorry.’
Daisy brushed her tears away and conjured up a smile. She didn’t want to make Lisa feel bad. She knew it had been well over a year, surely she was meant to be feeling better by now? Hugh would have thought up some mathematical equation in which someone’s spouse dies and the point at which they should start to feel normal, even happy.
Lisa sat on the floor now, gently tugging at the jeans, but they wouldn’t budge.
‘You’re going to have to pull harder,’ Daisy instructed, and an image popped into her mind of her mother telling her the very same thing when she had often tried, but failed, to get the cows onto the transporter.
‘I’m like a heffer,’ Daisy said and Lisa bit her lip, trying not to laugh. ‘I’m like a heffer in jeans. Now that would sell. I must remember to phone Levi’s marketing deparment.’ Lisa, now in a leaning-back position, as if readying herself for tug-of-war, pulled harder and harder on the jeans until they eventually broke free, sending Lisa cascading through the curtain and into the seating area (for bored men).
Lisa could be heard apologising to a man for landing at his feet.
‘Bet you thought all your dreams had come true!’ she said in a singsong voice and backed herself through the curtain. She and Daisy both fell about in fits of laughter.
After a few minutes of laughing so hard that they were almost silent except for the odd painful squeak – their stomachs threatening to turn to six-packs from the pain – they got a grip. Well, not quite. Daisy wiped her eyes and realised she was doing a laugh-cry.
Lisa wordlessly took her into a firm hug and stroked her hair. ‘Daisy, I’m sorry. This was a bad idea. I just thought it was time you had some fun.’
‘It has been fun,’ Daisy said. ‘I haven’t laughed like that for months. I’m just a bit of a wreck. One minute laughing, the next minute crying.’ She paused. ‘It’s like being a pregnant woman. I imagine it is, anyway.’
They left the store, Lisa carrying her new jeans, and Daisy grateful for her free-flowing wide leg trousers. Who wanted to be contained in skinnies anyway?
‘Coffee? Cake?’ Daisy suggested.
‘Absolutely.’ Lisa nodded and they headed to one of the mall’s central coffee bars.
‘I’ll get them in,’ Daisy said. ‘You find us a table.’
Daisy eyed up all the cakes, the last hour’s events already being purged from her mind, and she chose a large slice of chocolate for the whippet-like Lisa (life was unfair) and she went for the carrot cake (there had to be at least one or two of her five-a-day in there).
Once they were both ensconced in a corner, Lisa turned to her friend. ‘Listen, I’m worried about you. I don’t think it’s healthy you living alone in that enormous house.’ She softened. ‘I mean… you know, you need to…’
‘Move on?’ Daisy arched a brow.
‘Well, no, not move on. That sounds so harsh. I just mean it might help you to recover if you moved away from the house, sold it perhaps.’ Lisa refused to make eye contact, her gaze fixed on her fork stabbing at the cake.
‘Lisa.’
‘Yes?’ She eventually looked up, like a naughty school child waiting for their punishment.
‘Lisa,’ Daisy repeated, ‘Hugh died over a year ago of cancer. Now, don’t get me wrong, yes, I knew it had been coming for over two years so some might argue I’m not in shock, I should bounce back faster.’ She paused, a lump rising in her throat. ‘Only, it doesn’t work like that.’ A tear slid down her cheek. ‘Knowing he was going to die for two years built the whole thing up in my head.’ She looked at her cake and pushed it away, suddenly losing her appetite. ‘Because after he had been diagnosed and stubbornly refused all treatment, I thought that every day he lived, maybe he wouldn’t die from cancer. I was so angry with him, so angry for refusing treatment. There’s a time and a place for pig-headedness I used to tell him, and that wasn’t it. Sometimes I thought that maybe—’ she gave a short, self-conscious laugh ‘—maybe they had got it wrong. Then, on the other hand, I knew it would get him eventually and so every day he was still here, I realised how much I would miss everything he brings…’ She gave a slight shake to her head, and corrected herself. ‘Brought to my life.’
Lisa nodded, her own eyes welling, and put her fork down. ‘I know, I’m sorry.’
‘So I guess I’m trying to get over three years’ worth of grieving, does that make sense?’ She paused though, knowing she was being untrue to herself. ‘I know that Hugh and I had our problems. We loved each other passionately but he could be controlling.’ She nodded. ‘Like he wanted me all to himself. Which is why…’ She looked at her friend and blushed. ‘Do you think it’s wrong that I feel kind of like I want to move on already? Like I want to meet someone? I’m not sure if I’m allowed to feel like that but I would love to be in a care-free relationship… but then a part of me thinks I shouldn’t be allowed to be happy again, does that make sense?’
‘Yes.’ Lisa nodded. ‘It does, which is why I just thought if you didn’t live in that house, that maybe you could try and build new memories.’
Daisy shifted irritably. ‘I don’t want to build new memories, Lisa. I am very happy with the old ones.’ She bit her lip. ‘Most of them.’ She thought about her twenty-year marriage. ‘It was all-consuming, our marriage, filled with passion but I’ve now woken up to its faults too.’
‘Look, I’m just looking out for you but, of course, you know best.’
‘I know.’ Daisy smiled gratefully. ‘And I’ve thought about it more and more, I think I’m ready to move on. I think I need to move on.’
Daisy looked at the next table. A man and woman had chosen to sit side by side, instead of opposite one another, and they were holding hands, laughing at something on his phone. Their easiness and happiness sent a pain through her heart. She didn’t want to be the woman who grew old, begrudging other people their lives. Her friends had all done so much for her since Hugh closed his eyes for that final time in January last year. He had died at home, and she had luckily been by his side, only because her gut instinct had told her not to go and visit her mother that day. She had been all ready for her bi-weekly coffee with Mum but a feeling of unease had gnawed at her, forcing her to cancel her plans.
Her phone buzzed, snapping her out of her thoughts and she fished it out of her bag. The screen saver was a picture of Hugh in Amsterdam back in 1997, just before he proposed. He had his arms up in a ‘ta-dah’ kind of a way.
She looked up and caught Lisa staring at it. No words were exchanged but she knew what Lisa was thinking. Until she made some changes, she wasn’t going to live her life again. And that probably included uploading a different screensaver. Maybe Lisa would be happier if she put up a picture of a flower or a puppy.
It was a text message from James, her and Hugh’s best friend. Her heart lifted. She enjoyed any contact with their oldest and closest friend.
Hi Daisy, hope you’re doing OK. Can I pop by later with something? I think it’s time I gave it to you. Maybe 4ish? J X
She was surprised, having seen James many times since the funeral; she couldn’t imagine what he might want to give her.
‘It’s James,’ Daisy said, and she read the text aloud. ‘He wants to give something to me.’
Lisa snorted and arched a brow. ‘Sorry, I mean, a bit forward, don’t you think?
Daisy giggled. ‘Lisa, your mind belongs in the gutter!’
‘Got you to smile again though.’ She shrugged. ‘Maybe it’s something of Hugh’s. James mentioned before he had some old photos, didn’t he?’
Daisy furrowed her brow. ‘But he says “it’s time I gave it to you”. I mean that does not sound like a bunch of photos, does it?’ She smiled. ‘James was amazing throughout those last years with Hugh, not sure how I would have coped without him. All of you.’
‘Well, let’s get going then as there’s only one way to find out. And Daisy?’ Lisa slid her hand across the table, clasping her friend’s. ‘Listen, we’re all here for you, however you want us to be. OK?’
Daisy smiled. Lisa stood and looked at her watch. ‘I’ll drive you back home then head onto work.’
Chapter 2 (#ulink_24d54bf6-57e3-58a2-b308-010e684b94fe)
Daisy was grateful when they pulled off the M4 and away from the madness of Bristol. There had been a time when she loved nothing more than heading into the city with her friends or Hugh and soaking up the buzz of the cosmopolitan hubbub.
Now she couldn’t cope with it. She wanted to scream at everyone that they were being too noisy, too energetic, too alive. The countryside was quieter, allowed her to think, enabled her to remember Hugh properly, although Lisa believed she needed to make new memories. As she had pointed out, she was just fine with the ones she had. It was all she had, and she didn’t want to let go of them – but was it time?
Lisa drove quickly in her convertible, top down even though it really hadn’t warmed up enough, towards Atworth where Daisy lived – had lived – with Hugh. Hugh had become an incredibly successful banker and bought an enormous manor house on the outskirts of the village. Daisy had never, growing up, imagined she would live and own such a glorious pile with its creamy sandstone walls, and ivy and wisteria creeping ever higher up to the tiled roof. The front garden alone was so picturesque it often took her breath away to this day, with its aged stone benches and cherub spouting water into the lake. It was actually just a big pond but Tom, her other best friend, said it was a lake. He was quite sure of it.
‘A pond, Daisy darling, is the size of the paddling pool we had in our student house, yours could take a rowing boat. Catch my drift?’ To which he fell about laughing at his own wit.
The back garden was sublime. Wild roses and an oak tree that Hugh adored. He would often sit for hours at a time on the weekends (he was rarely around in the week), reading his Financial Times and snoozing. He never knew but Daisy used to watch him and fall in love with him all over again. Hugh had worked so hard to buy the house and to keep her in a lifestyle that her own mother, a farmer’s wife, had thought was too grand for the likes of her daughter.
‘Well, Daisy, don’t forget it’s was me and your father putting our hands up sheep’s asses that allowed you to go to university, you hear? Don’t you ever forget your roots.’ She had a strong Gloucestershire accent – you could almost smell the grass and taste the cheese when you listened to her.
They drove up to the house and Lisa turned the ignition off.
‘I’m afraid I have to go and feed the red-trousered folk of Cirencester.’ She pulled a face. ‘So that should mean an evening of over the top laughter and women claiming the crudités are “so filling, darling, couldn’t eat another morsel”, and then the men will drink their whisky and talk golf and skiing.’ She laughed. ‘It’s a joy.’
Daisy smiled. ‘You know, I feel your luck is about to change.’
Lisa giggled. ‘Why, have you found me some rich banker friend? Because if you have, I don’t even care what he looks like.’ She snorted. ‘You know it’s best to have sex in the dark anyway. You just imagine they’re George Clooney, job done.’
Daisy grinned and got out of the car. ‘You, Lisa Davidson, are my best friend and a gem.’ She paused and indicated the length of Lisa’s body. ‘You have kept in such good shape and look great, Tom is probably one of the best-looking gay men on planet earth, James is just,’ she smiled, ‘lovely… and I’ve… got a good sense of humour.’
‘Good sense of humour?’ Lisa shrieked with laughter. ‘That’s what fat people say when they’re advertising themselves on dating sites.’
‘Exactly.’ Daisy winked. ‘don’t forget I’m bubbly too.’
Daisy was suddenly hit by the fact she hadn’t said anything about Hugh. For a second, she felt quite breathless – maybe she was beginning to move on.
‘And Hugh,’ Daisy said quickly, looking up at the sky, ‘is up there looking down at us.’
‘Thinking, James is a dish, Lisa’s still a complete loser, Tom is over the top, and I love Daisy.’
Daisy’s eyes teared up. ‘Oh God, get out of here before I cry again. My mother always told me not to make a scene and look, I now spend my life making scenes.’
‘Bye, beautiful lady. I’ll ring you tomorrow. Find out what James has up his sleeve.’ Lisa started up the car and swung it around, speeding out the drive, a cloud of dust behind her.
It amazed Daisy to this day that Lisa was still single. She was gorgeous, fun and flirty. Wasn’t that what men wanted? In fact, Daisy used to be like that herself but marrying Hugh so young meant she had felt comfortable early on. Even as she piled on the pounds, he loved her and she felt good for it. In fact, he would often encourage her love of baking. She was not good at it but he always politely and solemnly tried her day’s bake. Lisa and Tom often tried it too.
Hugh’s reaction would be, ‘Darling, that is marvellous.’
Lisa and Tom, however, would be stood behind him pretending to put their fingers down their throats and then come up all smiles. ‘Yes, darling, it is… words just can’t describe it!’ James would just give her that look, a look she had never been able to describe, and smile at her.
Hugh did over time learn to relax around her other university friends and it had felt like they belonged to a club. They would, especially in the last two years of Hugh’s life, when he would have periods of being very tired, help each other prepare kitchen suppers and then dance and drink to whatever tunes were on the radio. It had been oddly perfect when she could forget about the future, about what would happen, about what did eventually happen over a year ago.
She reckoned grieving (she hated that term) would have been easier if they had had children but they didn’t try for the longest time. They didn’t want to break their happy bubble, however, she had always lived with a nagging feeling that they should have been trying for children. But then she had convinced herself that it was okay to be an older mum and what was the rush? Plenty of women were having children in their late thirties and early forties. Despite her doctor telling her she was geriatric when it came to having children, even three years ago.
‘Jesus,’ she had said to Dr Sawyers. ‘I am not geriatric, I’m in my prime.’
Dr Sawyers nodded sagely, his plethoric face not looking up from his notes. ‘You may be having the time of your life.’ He paused. ‘But your ovaries are not.’
With that, aged thirty-nine she told Hugh they had to go at it like rabbits. Admittedly some of the romance was taken out of the moment with statements like that but this was a matter of urgency; a time bomb no professional could disarm. She had to get pregnant.
Only, as if Sod had laid down his law, a month later Hugh found out he had terminal cancer. Suddenly she didn’t want children, she just wanted to spend every moment she could with her husband. He would become so tired and immobile, that she couldn’t bear to watch. They hugged and kissed like each day was their last together but children were soon swept from her mind. That wasn’t to say she didn’t wish she could keep a part of Hugh here, with her, but she was consumed with guilt about bringing children into the world under those circumstances.
Daisy was abruptly brought out of her reverie by the sound of another car coming up the drive and realised she hadn’t actually moved since Lisa left.
James, in his Maserati, roared up to where she stood and hopped out. He walked quickly over to her and took her in a warm, comforting hug.
‘Daisy, how you doing?’ He eyed her bag. ‘Been out shopping? That’s good.’
She wanted to point out that she was still able to dress herself, eat and move. Hugh’s death hadn’t taken those facilities from her, but she knew, deep down, he was just being kind and she was being entirely unreasonable. She always wanted to look like a strong woman around James, when in fact, right now, she wished he would just hug her again.
‘Yes,’ she nodded. ‘Lisa thought it was a good idea to go to the shopping mall in Bristol. She bought jeans which make her already stunning body look more… stunning.’ Daisy smiled. ‘I, on the other hand, was beached on the shore of Levi’s Land and decided make-up was probably a better bet for someone like me. Oh, and wide trousers.’
He laughed, his kind eyes lighting up, but when Daisy’s eyes fell to what looked like an envelope in his hand, he immediately stopped and grew seemingly tense.
‘What did you want to give me, James?’ She almost dared not to ask. ‘Is it that envelope?’
She heard his breath catch. ‘Yes.’ He indicated to the house. ‘Shall we go in? Only I think it’s best if you’re sitting down.’
She nodded in agreement, her heart quickening. They walked towards the solid oak front door. She opened her bag and found the key. Daisy didn’t like to open the door when she had company; the dull ache she felt every time she realised Hugh wouldn’t be there made her feel quite light-headed.
‘Are you OK?’
She felt James’s hand on her arm, warm and firm.
‘Yes,’ she murmured, a lump in her throat. ‘I just find certain things a bit hard still.’ She looked up at James who nodded and bit his lip; almost as if he was dreading showing her whatever was in that envelope. ‘Let’s go through to the kitchen, have a cup of tea.’
She felt happiest there and, at this time of year, she could see the snowdrops scattered across the lawn.
As she busied herself filling the kettle and placing it on the Aga, James sat and nervously handled the envelope.
‘So anything new?’ She knew it hadn’t been easy for him either, losing both a best friend and colleague. ‘Any girlfriend on the scene?’ She always asked this, braced for him to one day confirm he was seeing someone. She could only describe the feeling as jealousy but why should she be jealous of James loving another woman? They were just friends…
‘Nothing new.’ James’s face grew grim. ‘I miss him at work, the whole place changed after Hugh’s death. It’s probably as it always has been but I can’t even look at the water cooler without thinking about him. I know he wasn’t there for quite big chunks of time towards the end anyway but just knowing that…’ His voice trailed off. ‘Well, I don’t need to explain it to you.’
She turned and appraised James. He looked older, with deeper lines around his eyes, since Hugh’s death, but he was still as rugged and gorgeous as ever. She and Hugh had always joked that he should have been a model and not hidden away in the world of banking.
‘No,’ Daisy agreed and put a mug of steaming tea in front of him. ‘You have every right, though, to feel as cut up as I do. Anyone who knew Hugh does.’ Daisy smiled tenderly at James. ‘You know he had such a great effect on so many people’s lives. And he could, also, be the most boring old fart on two legs.’
James barked out a laugh and then grew self-conscious as though he felt he shouldn’t allow himself to be happy.
‘Laugh, James, when you can. We are allowed to laugh.’ Daisy had no idea when she had become such an expert but maybe she was beginning to come through some initial phase of grieving. She was paraphrasing the book she had been given by Tom: Stop Crying and Pull Yourself Together.
Tom had presented it with such a flourish she hadn’t had the heart to tell him that the title was a bit harsh. That being said, she had actually read it and it had made her laugh aloud so, who knew, maybe it worked?
‘In fact,’ she continued, ‘I was talking to Lisa today about… moving on.’
He raised his brows. ‘Moving on? As in…’
‘Yes, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life by myself.’
‘Hmm.’ He nodded, sipping fast at his tea. He then pushed the envelope across to her.
‘It’s a letter.’ He averted his eyes. ‘If you say you’re ready to move on, maybe I was right in thinking I should give it to you today…’
She nodded.
‘From Hugh,’ he went on.
Her heart skipped a beat and her mind went into overdrive. Had he been having an affair and now had countless children – the children they’d never had – with another woman or more? Had he decided to leave his money to someone else, was his will a joke?
She put a cool hand to her forehead and breathed deeply.
‘Are you OK?’ James asked, suddenly by her side. ‘It’s not actually bad, if that’s what you’re worried about. He just asked me to give it to you when maybe you felt a bit stronger.’ He gave a small shake to his head, and pushed it at her again. ‘Sorry, I’m making it sound awful. Just read it.’
