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The Cows: The bold, brilliant and hilarious Sunday Times Top Ten bestseller
Dawn O’Porter
*THE SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER*Fearlessly frank and funny, the debut adult novel from Dawn O’Porter is the book that everybody needs to read right now.COW /kaʊ/A piece of meat; born to breed; past its sell-by-date; one of the herd.Three women. A whole world of judgement.Tara, Cam and Stella are very different women. Yet in a society that sets the agenda, there’s something about being a woman that ties invisible bonds between us.When one extraordinary event rockets Tara to online infamy, their three worlds collide in ways they could never imagine – and they discover that one woman’s catastrophe might just be another’s inspiration.Through friendship and conflict, difference and likeness, they’ll learn to find their own voices.Because sometimes it’s OK not to follow the herd.
Praise for The Cows (#ulink_c243dff6-ab97-5d4f-95b1-1fdb543b389d)
‘The Cows is a funny, smart, kind, incredibly truthful book about women … about how complicated our relationship with each other can be, about all the shame, judgement, envy and love that being alive and female entails’
POLLY VERNON
‘Feisty characters and fearless prose, The Cows is totally addictive’
Heat
‘A zippy and hilarious book … tackles some of the most serious issues that affect modern women today’
The Pool
‘O’Porter’s wise and witty narrative has many thought-provoking situations and concepts. Different, poignant and smart – I loved it’
SARA LAWRENCE, Daily Mail
‘Entertaining and thought-provoking’
Irish Times
‘Sometimes hilarious and sometimes poignant, but always rollicking … A feel-good read which will resonate with any woman’
Daily Express
‘Fierce and funny’
BRYONY GORDON, Daily Telegraph
‘A whirlwind of a story about three women finding their voice amid societal pressures … Excellent, funny, and decidedly unpatronising’
Metro
‘Dawn’s writing is addictive – fearless, beyond feisty and seriously funny’
MEL GIEDROYC
‘Fearless, frank and excruciatingly funny … The lives of Tara, Cam and Stella are insightful, but be warned – you won’t stop thinking about them for weeks!’
OK
‘Smart and insightful’
Red
‘I loved it. Funny, moving, twisty … Wow! I couldn’t stop reading it’
JILL MANSELL
‘We’ve had Bridget Jones, now The Cows is setting the agenda for a new generation of readers’
No. 1 Magazine
‘Compulsive … I can’t wait for the next one’
SHAPPI KHORSANDI
‘An amazing book about choices and being yourself’
Prima
‘Smart, fresh and really readable – I loved it’
TASMINA PERRY
‘Funny and excruciating. You’ll think about it for weeks!’
KRISTEN WIIG
‘A terrifically fun read’
YOU Magazine
Copyright (#ulink_c103cf39-f45e-5b7d-bf55-347a7f08e121)
Published by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsPublishers 2017
Copyright © Dawn O’Porter 2017
Jacket design by Claire Ward © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2018
Jacket photograph © Shutterstock.com (http://Shutterstock.com)
Dawn O’Porter asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Source ISBN: 9780008126032
Ebook Edition © March 2018 ISBN: 9780008126049
Version: 2018-10-26
Dedication (#ulink_f5ed1eac-6c37-5abf-ae33-4c33e3a87686)
For Chris and Art.
Contents
Cover (#u40d51ccd-378d-5e67-96ff-6f5216ae5a01)
Praise for The Cows (#u7b4de782-369b-552d-834b-55adb1c54aba)
Title Page (#ua0d5096b-822a-57f7-ab23-5575a420fb59)
Copyright (#u5a74ce64-a8c6-527f-b307-21ade073c582)
Dedication (#u5ec28b0a-d2b3-5b8e-9a9d-899a8a603472)
Chapter 1 (#u988bdcad-6f1a-5ba7-a104-708a865b869b)
Chapter 2 (#u86a6a009-4b54-59e8-ae8f-999d139b4fd1)
Chapter 3 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 4 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 10 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 11 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 12 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 13 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 14 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 15 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 16 (#litres_trial_promo)
Six Months Later (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
COW [n] /ka
/:
A fully grown female animal of a domesticated breed of cattle, used as a source of milk or beef.
A cow is officially the name given to a heifer when it has had a calf.
If you want a good piece of meat, you need to go for the heifer because cows, having been destroyed by childbearing, do not a good steak make. Cows are incredibly complex animals; they form friendships and even fall in love, they experience fear, anger and can bear grudges.
Cows are destined to be in a constant hormonal state, either pregnant or producing milk. A heifer is a piece of meat, merely a potential source of produce. Beyond that, they don’t offer much … apparently.
Some might say this is reflected in human society and the way that it regards women.
Some might not.
There are many types of women and every effort is needed for a woman not to be seen just as a heifer or a cow. Women don’t have to fall into a stereotype.
Cows don’t need to follow the herd.
1 (#ulink_82053bf1-88ec-5a3b-a34e-1afe9db922aa)
A Late Friday Night in April
Tara
I see a bead of sweat pop out of his forehead and flop down his face like a melting slinky. He’s nearly there, I can tell. Just a few more gentle pushes from me and this guy will explode with everything I need. He sniffs and hits his nose with the side of a clenched fist. I think it was an attempt to wipe it, but ends up being more of a punch in his own face. The sweat runs over his chin, down his neck and settles on his white collar. It rapidly spreads, forming a little wet patch then, as if on a factory line, another pops out and follows its exact journey. He’s going to break any minute, I know it.
We’ve been alone in a small bedroom in a Holiday Inn just off the M4 for over three hours. I deliberately requested a room facing the road so that I could insist the windows had to be closed because of the noise of the traffic. It’s boiling in here; the hottest day of the year, and I had to shut down the aircon because the camera picked up the noise. He won’t be able to take it much longer. Me? I’ll endure anything to get the soundbite I need.
He agreed to do the interview purely on the basis that it was just me and my camera in the room with him. The sleazy creep seems to have forgotten that the basic function of recording equipment is to capture a moment that could potentially be broadcast to millions.
I’ve been making a documentary about sexual harassment in the workplace for months. Shane Bower is the MD of Bower Beds, and I have interviewed multiple female members of his staff who have all told me about his wandering hands. Yesterday, I door-stepped him at nine a.m. as he left the house for work. I told him about the accusations and asked him what he had to say. He denied it, of course, and got into his car. I threw a business card in and instinct told me he’d be in touch. I was right; two hours later my phone rang. He asked me what my programme was about and what I wanted. I told him I was making a short film about sexual harassment for a new digital channel, and that I wanted to know if the allegations were true. He denied it on the phone, but I told him I had mounting evidence against him, and that he would be wise to try to convince the viewers of his innocence, because the footage would be broadcast with or without his contribution. Hearing that, he agreed to an interview. With only me. In a bedroom. I made sure the camera was recording the second he walked into the room.
