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"Can't you tell me why me taking that book would have made her unhappy? "the prince again ventured.
"Very well. Sit down for a moment next to me and I'll try to explain it to you. That book was different from the others, because your mother wrote her thoughts, her joys and her unhappiness, her desires, and her regrets in the book. In short, she poured her soul, entrusting it to some poetry and to many long pages of confessions. Do you understand what I mean?”
"I know what a confession is, but my mother isn't bad and doesn't need it.”
“ No, not in the sense that you think; I wanted to say that she wrote the things that buried in her soul and her heart without lies, without fear that someone (maybe me) could read them and maybe scold her. You stole her secrets.”
" But I didn't know ... " the prince stammered.
" Of course; but now I know, and your mother and I have discussed this a lot yesterday evening. I was rude to her because I should not have succumbed to the temptation to read those pages and because I could not hold back my anger .... I made her cry" the king concluded, without having the courage to look at his son, suddenly ashamed before the naivety and sincerity of the child.
" I'm sorry, father. We will try to fix it. We will take care of it.”
" I hope so. I should have come back to her early this morning or stay with her tonight and let her know I was a fool to get carried away by my exaggerated jealousy, but I didn't and now ...”
He didn't add that he really wanted the prince to pay for everyone, because it would have been too much for his pride, but he knew that was what made him feel terribly guilty at that moment.
" Father, you will bring her a rose and you will make her smile. Wait.”
The child ran back, rushing into the garden. He broke a rose sprig, one of the last of the season.
He handed it to his father.
" Give her this. She loves them so much.”
" I'd rather you took it to her. I don't know if I'll go with you.”
" Why not? You don’t want her to be sad like this.”
His son's eyes were full of great wonder that made him smile.
" Okay, okay, you won. Let's go together. Give me that flower.”
Feeling ridiculous, but unable to withdraw under the decisive gaze of the prince, the king approached his queen as an ancient knight who pays homage to the lady with his courtly love and honor, with a rose in his hand and his son at his side.
" Good morning mother “ exclaimed the latter, running towards her to kiss her.
" Good morning, my boy. Was Antonia not able to reach you this morning to get dressed? You look a little messy, " she observed, smiling tenderly at him.
" I got out of the bed like lightning. I was late for my animals. But my father helped me a little.”
The queen looked at her master in surprise and waited for him to say something to relieve her nightly sufferings. Probably, however, he would have not said anything, and she would have had to hide her disappointment at the bottom of her heart, like so many others in the past.
"Your son “ the king said instead " says these roses are your favorites" and clumsily handed her the flower.
" It's true.”
" I'm sorry for the words I spoke last night. Sometimes not even a king can keep his impulses in check.”
" Mother " the child intervened " really the fault was mine alone, because I secretly took what I was not supposed to take, as I was extremely curious.”
His mother held him close to silence him and saw that the king had a strange look as he watched them.
It had been a long time since his eyes had been glimmering in excitement, a long time since he had had words like that, kind words, yet not conventional.
" Don't apologize, my darling” she answered her son, her eyes searching for the king " nothing can make me happier than having you close to me. Now " she added " go spruce yourself up before going down to breakfast with me. Perhaps your father will join us for once.”
The king nodded.
When his son left, he approached the queen and grabbed her hand: "I'm really sorry," he repeated, "I hope you didn't feel too lonely tonight."
" I was, but no more.”
" But not forgotten, right?”
" How could I? Do you truly believe that entrusting my torments or my expectations to paper will make me forget everything?”
" No, you're right. But you know the way I am, you've always known it and ...”
" I accepted this way of life. I have your child and I should not wish for anything else. I don't know if that's what you expect from me, but in reality, that's not what I feel.”
" What else would you like?”
" It's not up to me to teach my king.”
" I know, but I can't be different. I'm already surprised at myself for how I let myself be conquered by our son. Maybe someday…”.
" Perhaps " granted the queen " I can wait.”
The king was silent for a long time, then asked: "Is there anything else I don't know?"
" Do you think you have the right to know all the secrets of my soul?”
" Yes " he replied forcefully " There must be no mysteries for the king.”
" Good: if the king wants to know them, he should try to discover them on his own.”
" Are you challenging me? Be careful.”
" You are the master of my life, but not of my mind.”
"I could force you," the king began abruptly, but then immediately, in a flash, he saw his son again with pain in his eyes at the thought of bringing his mother sorrow and stopped. His approach changed.
" No " he admitted " I'm not, even if I want to. I can understand that you want to be at least a little independent of me or others, but I must confess that I would be happier if I could know all of your thoughts.”
The queen nodded but did not speak. She knew her lord and knew difficult those words must have been for him.
The taste of a won battle is as sweet and intoxicating as the new wine, but she also knew that it was not a definitive victory, nor, perhaps, would there ever have been.
When her father had granted her in marriage to the king, she had not, of course, opposed the marriage, nor could she have done so because it had been set up by the family and because such a great honor could not be refused without attracting the resentment of the king and the court.
However, she had soon learned to love and respect him and, again, she had not rebelled when he had made her understand that his palace would also be her golden prison, since he did not tolerate the idea of not being able to control her actions and her life in the midst of the multitude of noble courtiers, who attended the court, ready for flattery and adulation, whose rules were solely those of amusements and assiduous courtship of the ladies (queen included). Thus, she would have to accept living practically as a recluse in her own apartments when he was not present. For this reason she had preferred to establish residence in that country castle where she felt freer than in the city palace, where a thousand eyes would have spied on her every minute and where the large rooms, suffocating in their gaudery, without that air and that light that flooded her "rooms" at all times, would have made her sad like a poor captive bird.
Besides, her king loved that castle a lot and when he came to visit, especially in the hunting season, he was always quite cheerful and open to generosity and courtesy. Everyone told her that at court it was never like that and she was therefore happy with her choice. Even for her son.
She did not want him to be forced to suffer the jealousy of the two older brothers, sons from the king's first marriage, whom she knew where not much loved by their father, and would not have liked the baby to grow up in a gloomy city palace when he could have this instead: the park and the forest, the animals, the flowers and the orchard; he was a lively child and always on the move and, although a little too isolated, here there was enough space for him to live without excessive constraints.
Certainly, little by little she had tried to organize her life in a different way from what the king would have demanded. Despite the bans, for example, she had begun to frequent the castle library and the very fact of being able to spend part of the day there, in peace, immersed in those wonderful worlds that would otherwise have been forbidden to her, had given her greater serenity and ability to better withstand her recluse solitude.
And then there was her son, who grew up and surrounded her with an ever deeper and warmer affection.
And her poems.
A little out of boredom and a bit out of challenge, she had begun to write those diary pages, which had grown and ended up being vitally necessary.
Her husband had reproached her for her wishes for independence (albeit very minimal) and had even threatened to take away her child if she did not respect the pacts between them.
She had then fought like a lioness defending her child even at the cost of dying, and she had faced his furious gaze head-on, as the king tried to be master of her soul too. He had mocked her for her stupid and useless pages, written only to protect her from feeling like a ship completely at the mercy of the calm and the storm. In the beginning, she answered with the same tone and the same weapons, but then had to succumb to tears, which made her understand how desperately weak and alone she was, despite her efforts to build a protective mental armor for herself.
Then the king had left, perhaps satisfied to have once more won over his opponent and convinced that he had made it very clear who of the two was in command (which in truth was obvious) and what he demanded from her.
Thus, on the night when the little prince abandoned in his bed felt immensely alone and fidgeted uneasily in the darkness that was so frightening to him, even the queen had bitterly meditated on the high price she would always have to pay for the honor of being asked to marry the king and give him a son.
And yet, that that same finch that seemed so fragile and instead was as strong as a warrior, had conquered his father like no one before and had now brought back to her a different husband, who even knew how to admit his wrong and asked her to put up with him as it was, because he, in his own way, loved her and didn't want to see her unhappy.
"I too," said the queen at last, "sometimes I would like to know your deepest thoughts."
"What do you mean?" The king inquired guardedly.
" Why for example did you ask me to marry you one day? Was it just to have another child or did something in me attract your interest? And why was your first bride not a prisoner of your jealous possession mania? There are many things that I don’t know and that in my long lonely days torment me, as their meaning escapes me. But " she added quickly, seeing the king's face was clouding over," this is not what I want to know now; don't worry, I won't ask you embarrassing questions today or ever. I just wish you would tell me what you think of the prince.”
The king felt relieved at this last sentence: the queen had suddenly made it easy for him, when only a few seconds before the road ahead had seemed so steep and full of traps to make him shudder.
Nor was it easy for him to remove the veils that hid the faces of years-old ghosts. To discover one's own hidden desires, anger, disappointment, hatred, and love is not easy for anyone, and least of all for those who, like him, had been educated never to reveal their most concealed secrets even to their most trusted friends.
Being able to explore the hidden crypts of the mind can be a deadlier weapon than the sharpest sword.
He would have liked sometimes to reveal his utmost secrets to his queen, who, he knew well and was happy about, was worthy of his utmost trust, but had always backed away and that secret diary had infuriated him so much precisely because he recognized his difficulty in not being able to confide in those who loved him despite everything.
But if she was questioning his feelings about her son ...
There was nothing sweeter and more disturbing in his heart than the thought of the child.
" What I am thinking or what I am feeling? " he asked her.
" Both.”
" He's a boy like I've never seen in my life. I am fond of him though sometimes he seems a little wild. But there will be time to educate him to become a true king.”
He stopped talking abruptly: the queen's eyes were already reproaching him for his lie. The prince was not destined for that role, they both knew it.
" And if not king “ he continued " a true noble prince. I find that he is like you in many ways and like me in other ways. A perfect mix, don't you think?”
"I don't know if the king appreciates in him what is mine or what is his," she insinuated.
"I don't know either, but I believe your first guess," he admitted.
" I must therefore think that you are not really sorry for the thoughts that live inside me.”
" Not entirely, even if sometimes I find it hard to understand them. But then our son too is like this: sometimes he is a child who has no mysteries, cheerful and naive, while sometimes he is an enigma and he baffles me. He has an adult pride and courage that frightens me, even if " he smiled tenderly at the memory " he is not afraid to confess that darkness makes him shudder. He can defend his positions even against the king, but he does not hesitate to admit his weaknesses, which makes him irresistible.”
" Do you love him?”
" Yes " the king admitted. “ And I'm sorry I didn't truly get to know him before. Luckily, I had that crazy idea of wanting to bring him alone to hunt. I don't even know how I thought of that, maybe it was a divine inspiration. Now I could not live without him, not even when he makes me angry and I would like to find the courage to punish him as he deserves; but it seems that with him I have completely softened and I cannot, no matter what I do, imagine his suffering without experiencing it myself. Think about the issue of the park: when he confessed to me that he was afraid of the cell of the tower, I pictured him alone, up there, trembling terrified by the noise of his own breath. To make a long story short, I wished to have him next to me at night to hold his hand and hold him as you do. I envy you this chance.”
" Will you take him with you then? " asked the queen, in suspense.
" Only if you agree, but I won't do it if it makes you suffer. Do not think that I am cruel, as I sometimes the words I say may make me look like that.”
" I never believed it; I ... I don't know how I would live without him, but if it was necessary for his education ...”
The king felt from her voice that she was trying to keep calm, but the tension was palpable.
" I repeat: only if your answer is yes. Maybe in a while, when he too will be old enough not to miss your embrace too much.”
The queen smiled.
" After all " he concluded, I decided to spend more time here from now on. I am realizing that it is indeed a delightful place, much better than the city, and no one will be able to prevent me from leaving my state commitments in the hands of my ministers more and enjoying my son more. And my wife, of course.”
" And your other children?
" They've already had what was due to them and the oldest is seriously training to become king. Perhaps he hopes to replace me soon " the sovereign grins " but I don't think his time has come yet. He will not be a bad king; certainly not as forceful as me.”
" What do they think of us?”
" Anything.”
" Do you mean that you never asked him if they wanted to meet his brother and maybe come and spend little time here? After all, they are only two boys.”
" No. They have their life at the court, and they must not mix with you.”
"But why?”
"It's like that because that is my decision" the king cut her short.
The queen did not give up: " Perhaps they would like to come here to hunt with you.”
" No. It is out of the question, do not insist " and this time even the queen had to admit that his decision was final.
