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The worst thing was the pain. It was like losing her sister all over again. And mornings such as these, she relived the last few weeks of her sister’s life all over again.
One would think the pain would’ve lessened over the last two years. It hadn’t.
Beth curled herself up into a ball and let the memories take over. She knew there was no point trying to fight them.
Her older sister was twenty-five when she was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. From the beginning there really wasn’t much hope for her, but Rachel was determined to squeeze as much life as she could into the time she had left. She’d even gone into remission for a while and life, for a brief moment, had gone back to normal. Rachel moved home and started painting again and Beth applied to cooking schools all across the country.
But it wasn’t to last. Three and a half weeks was all it took for the cancer to take her sister away when it came back.
They’d all gathered around her bed and waited. Waited for her to live. Waited for her to die. Those last weeks were the longest of Beth’s life. And the shortest. They were filled with laughter and with tears. When Rachel slept, Beth spent her time begging God to take her instead. But, in the end, he didn’t listen. He took her sister in the dead of night. Ben was with her when she’d died. She’d taken Mom and Dad home to have a shower and get some sleep.
Perhaps that was why mornings were always the hardest. She’d woken on that last morning to Ben’s voice on the other end of the phone telling her that her best friend was gone for ever.
‘Rachel,’ Beth said into the empty room, ‘I need you.’
A single tear tracked down her cheek as she spoke to her sister. She took a deep, shaky breath and carried on the one-sided conversation, curling herself into a tighter ball.
‘Mark and I slept together,’ she whispered. ‘I know, I know. He’s supposed to be with Kelsey. Everyone thought they would get married. Okay…maybe not you. You always said she wasn’t right for him.’
Beth sat up and scrubbed her face with her hands, rubbing the tears into her skin.
‘It was amazing,’ she whispered, taking her hands away from her face. ‘Mark was so gentle and calm.’
Beth rubbed at her eyes. They were sore and gritty. She’d been crying all night, ever since she’d gotten back from Kelsey’s, until she’d finally fell into a restless sleep at dawn.
‘I had to tell her,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t just let her think it was Helga. I couldn’t do that to either of them. It was the hardest thing to do, Rachel. But I couldn’t get all the words out. How do you tell one of your friends you slept with the man she thought she was going to marry? I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. But I know I have to.
‘I tried, but the words just wouldn’t come past my lips.’ Beth stood up and walked around her room, picking up objects she’d lived with for years and then putting them back down. ‘I did tell her Mark took me to his house because I was so drunk – which is true! I haven’t had that much to drink since your wake. I just left out the details, you know? I couldn’t hurt her like that. How am I supposed to look her in the eyes again?’
Beth pulled on her bunny hug and a pair of sweats. She drew her blonde hair up into a messy ponytail without bothering to brush it first and looked at herself in the full-length mirror opposite her bed. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were puffy and red. Tear stains covered her cheeks. She looked like she felt – like shit.
She opened the door into the hallway and padded softly down to the bathroom, not wanting to wake Helga if she was home.
She was just spitting the toothpaste into the sink when she heard someone pull up, and by the time she splashed some water over her face, whoever it was was banging on the door.
***
Mark stood on her front porch not sure what to do. She hadn’t answered his knock. He knew she was inside, her truck was out front and he could see the light on in her room upstairs, but he didn’t want to just burst in.
Growing up without much of a family, he’d spent every spare moment at the Copeland’s that he could. This ranch felt more like home than the small house he grew up in in town. His father left not long after he was born and his mom was so busy trying to make ends meet she was never at home to look after him. When he went to Bassville High Ben Copeland took him under his wing and introduced him to the cowboy life. But gone were the days when he was a part of the family. It was a long time since he felt like he was Beth’s brother. In fact he wasn’t sure if there ever was a time he hadn’t loved Beth Copeland.
And after yesterday he was through loving her from afar. Now that he’d had a taste of what he always wanted, Mark wasn’t sure if he could go back to pretending he just wanted to be friends.
He admitted it was horrible timing; breaking up with Kelsey just a few weeks ago, but the heart wants what the heart wants, right? And his had always wanted Beth.
He knocked again, then turned around and looked out over the valley; he’d spent every summer riding around these hills as a teenager. If he had his way he would have become a cowboy. But he’d spent enough time while growing up not having enough money and he wanted to look after his mother and knew a ranch hand didn’t provide much of a living. So instead of climbing in the saddle every day like his best friend, he took the scholarship offered to him and went to law school.
He now spent most of his days locked up in a little office in town dealing with people’s wills and property deeds. But he missed the open air and the horses.
The screen door banged open behind him and he spun around. Beth stood there looking like she’d just rolled out of bed and his mouth went dry. God, she was beautiful.
‘What are you doing here?’ she demanded.
‘I came to see you,’ he said. He shifted nervously on her front step. He wasn’t expecting her to still be upset.
‘What do you want?’ She stood in the doorway and it was obvious that she wasn’t inviting him in, but Mark didn’t want to stand outside in the heat all day so he pushed past her into the house. Her peach perfume assaulted his senses as he squeezed by.
‘Mark,’ she said, her voice full of warning.
What was she going to do to him if he decided to stay? She wouldn’t exactly be able to throw him out, would she? ‘I needed to see you,’ he said, grinning at her.
She took a surprised step back but there was no fear in her eyes when he gently encircled her wrist and tugged her closer to him. He had to feel her again.
He stepped closer until her breasts just about touched his chest and she needed to tilt her head up to look at him. ‘Beth,’ he breathed. He’d come here to talk but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from reaching out to touch her. He pulled her roughly against him and claimed her mouth. A moan rent the air and she sagged against him for a moment.
He knew the exact moment when she started thinking. Her back stiffened and she pulled from his arms.
‘I can’t do this, Mark. I can’t. You’re supposed to be with Kelsey. Not me. I can’t do this to her. She still loves you, you know? I went and saw her yesterday. What have you done to her?’
‘What do you mean, what have I done to her? I haven’t even seen her?’
‘Oh, Mark, you know what I mean. You’ve totally crushed her and you don’t even care!’ He’d never seen Beth so riled. Sparks flew from her eyes as she shot daggers at him.
He stepped back under the onslaught. This wasn’t exactly going to plan. ‘I can’t be with Kelsey, B. I don’t love her. Was I supposed to marry her just so her feeling wouldn’t get hurt? How is that fair on either of us? Think how she would feel in ten years’ time when I let slip that I never loved her.’
‘Never loved her? But you’ve been dating her for five years, Mark. How could you not have ever loved her?’ She stepped away from him. Revulsion flashed in her eyes.
Shame filled his veins. ‘You wouldn’t understand,’ he said turning his back on her.
‘Mark, you can’t be here,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t do this with you…not today.’
He gave her a jerky nod over his shoulder and stalked out the door. Today had not gone at all like he’d wanted.
Chapter 5 (#ulink_052b2def-958a-5475-b221-90787a55c639)
Beth yanked at the ragweed. The blasted thing wouldn’t come out, but the fight of taking back her garden was just what she needed to stem the aggression coursing her ever since Mark left.
Who did he think he was, showing up here, kissing her, holding her? She shook her head to clear the image and got back to work. It didn’t help that she could still feel his lips on hers, or his hands on her hips or taste his tongue in her mouth.
She yanked harder at the weed. It gave way with an audible pop and Beth fell onto her backside in the dirt.
She looked down the row of newly emerging corn that she’d already weeded. Satisfaction brought a smile to her lips. There was something about digging in the dirt that was good for the soul.
Another hour and she should be done this half of the garden. She got back up and dusted off her ass and grabbed the push-hoe. The weeds didn’t stand a chance now.
When she’d moved into the ‘Old House’, this garden had long ago grown in but she’d fixed the fence around it, turned it over and planted new vegetable seedlings. But the Old House hadn’t been used since her parents had first been married and the grass and wildflowers had a firm grip on the old garden. No matter how often she weeded out here, she always found long-forgotten weeds poking their heads through the newly turned dirt. Beth just hoped they wouldn’t choke her vegetables.
The sun was past the zenith when she next looked up. She felt dizzy and her back hurt from bending over for so long. She stamped her feet to get some feeling back in her knees. They were absolutely covered in dirt from her morning’s toil. But she felt good. While she was pulling weeds she’d sorted a few things out.
As much as it terrified her, she knew she needed to talk to Kelsey. She’d rehearsed her speech over and over in her mind until she was sure she’d got it just right. When she woke up this morning, she briefly thought about not telling Kelsey anything and just carrying on as though nothing had happened. But Beth knew herself; at some stage she would accidentally let it slip. Besides, she didn’t know what Mark might say to her either. It was better that she told Kelsey now.
After she sorted out Kelsey, she thought about her own life. Six months ago she was excited about opening the bed and breakfast and she’d even convinced herself it was what she wanted out of life. But it wasn’t. Not really.
Beth walked back to the house. It had been so exciting to spruce up the old place. Even though it hadn’t been used for decades, it had always been looked after and wasn’t too run down. Everyone had always assumed that Ben would end up living here one day, but after Rachel died he moved away and the ranch needed money so Beth convinced herself she wanted a bed and breakfast. So the Old House turned into Beth’s Country Home. And in the end it was because Beth had set up the website advertising the B&B that the ranch was able to climb out of debt.
Thank goodness Brian Hargrave had happened upon her website. Without the filming contract, Mom and Dad would have had to sell the ranch and Beth couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.
At the same time she now knew she also couldn’t imagine running a B&B for the rest of her life either. Before Rachel got sick and money wasn’t so tight and Beth thought dreams came true because she wanted them to, she’d wanted to be a chef.
Beth went straight to the bathroom when she got into the house and set to work trying to wash the dirt off her hands. It took a few scrubs of the brush and some elbow grease to get them clean. She then went to her favourite room in the whole house. Her kitchen. She absolutely loved being in here. The sun washed the wooden countertops in gold and the open white cupboards displayed all her crockery and glasses. The stainless steel of her gas hob and fridge sparkled in the sunlight. The butter-yellow walls and the bowl of fruit on the table welcomed guests to sit down and make their selves at home.
Beth poured herself an iced tea and sat down at the table. She still needed a shower to wash off the dirt but first she needed to rehydrate.
In Bassville there was a little café she’d fantasised owning ever since the cooking bug bit her. When she was a teenager she’d spent every available moment at the Cat’s Whiskers Café. She’d always wanted to work there but there was too much to do on the ranch after school and over summer holidays for her to have a part-time job. But that didn’t discourage her dream of owning it one day.
Rachel’s death did that.
After Rachel died, Beth felt guilty about the pleasure cooking gave her. She shouldn’t feel happy when her sister was dead. And yet, she couldn’t stop herself from cooking either. It was the only time during the long days after Rachel passed away that she was able to forget the pain. She felt guilty for that too.
Her mom had suggested she open up the Old House to visitors. Beth admitted that it was the idea of having someone to cook for that persuaded her to open the guest house.
And having Helga around and cooking for her every day was great. Never once since she arrived had Helga acted like an actress. Not that Beth knew any actresses and therefore didn’t know how they behaved. She supposed she was guilty of believing what the gossip magazines said. But Helga was lovely.
Speaking of Helga, Beth glanced at the clock on the wall. She had just enough time to take a quick shower before she started to think about making dinner. It was her favourite time of day when she could take a moment and sit down and decide what she would cook.
In the shower, inspiration struck. Back downstairs, freshly showered, Beth knelt down next to her sideboard, a gift from her grandmother, opened the door and reached all the way to the back of the bottom shelf. She smiled when her hands brushed the rough cover of her recipe folder. She pulled it out from behind the bottles of liquor and brushed the cobweb that clung to the corner. It was her secret stash of recipes she wanted to grace the menu of her own café one day.
While she was there, she grabbed a bottle of red wine from bottom shelf for good measure and poured herself a glass, leaving the bottle open on the table for when Helga got back from today’s set.
She sat at the table and, with reverence, opened the cover of the folder. The first page was filled with pictures she’d snipped out of magazines of the interiors of cafés and restaurants. She ran her fingers over the clippings. Some of them she no longer liked. She’d started the folder years ago and some of those places she’d so coveted were now really out of style. She grinned at the bright-orange walls of one of the cafes and she plucked at the corner of the picture but decided to keep it there as a reminder.
She turned the page.
Stuffed button mushrooms with blue cheese sauce was the first of the hors d’oeuvre. She slowly read the ingredients and in her mind’s eye prepared them for a restaurant full of customers. Her stomach growled. She shook her head and laughed. She didn’t need appetisers tonight.
She flipped further into the folder, past the starters, salads and luncheon dishes. Rare roast beef with fresh horseradish cream, buttermilk garlic mashed potatoes and steamed seasonal vegetables was the perfect thing for a trial run. Roast beef was the very first thing she had ever cooked. She could still remember putting it into the oven for the first time. She could make this dinner blindfolded. She’d make Yorkshire puddings too. Ben loved those and she was sure he’d be joining her and Helga for dinner a lot more since this weekend when they’d disappeared together. Beth was happy for them. Ben hadn’t had a lot of joy in his life the last couple of years and, by the sound of it, Helga was in need of happiness too.
She took a large drink from her glass, relishing the tartness of the wine as it bit into her palate. She had another sip, this time smaller and set to work getting all the ingredients together. She hated starting a recipe only to find that she didn’t have everything handy. It had the potential of ruining a dish if she had to stop to find something crucial to the outcome of the dish. After checking everything on her list, she was satisfied she had everything she needed.
She stood at the counter and looked out the window at her garden in the back. She loved that her sunflowers were starting to come up. They were her favourite thing out there and she could hardly wait until she could watch them follow the sun.
Her eyes shifted to the vegetables in freshly weeded rows next to the sunflowers. The corn had barely broken the surface of the dirt, the peas were still flowering and the tomatoes were still just greenery. The broccoli and cauliflower was no better and her carrots and beets wouldn’t be big enough yet either. She hated to admit that she had no fresh veggies in her garden yet. In a few weeks it would be a different story, but for now she’d have to resort to what she’d picked up from the grocery store on Friday.
She opened her onion box on the counter and grabbed two onions and a head of garlic. She rolled an onion across the countertop until the skin crackled and peeled it with a sharp knife and did the same to the other one. She quickly quartered them and put them in the bottom of a roasting dish. She wacked off the top of the garlic, put it in the corner of the dish and drizzled olive oil over it.
She pulled another head of garlic out of the onion box and pulled off six cloves. Flattening them against the cutting board with her knife, loosening the skin, she carefully peeled them before slicing them into slivers which she studded into the roast and put it on top of the onions.
She sprinkled salt and pepper over the meat and a small smile touched her lips as the familiar dinner stared back at her. Comfort food tonight.
It didn’t take her long to peel the potatoes and put them into a pot of water while waiting for the oven to heat. Once the roast was in the oven, Beth headed back outside to her patch of horseradish. The year Rachel died they had picked some out of the ditch on a trip to Saskatchewan and planted it into a pot in her back yard. That trip was the last time her sister had left her home town. It was always with a touch of sadness that she pulled out a long root.
She took the trowel and loosened the dirt around the root and pulled it free. The air filled with the spicy wasabi scent and fresh dirt. She tipped her face up to the sky again; her garden could sure do with some rain, but there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
***
Beth’s phone rang as she was pouring buttermilk into the potatoes. She snuck a peek at the roast on the way to answer it. The aroma of the roasting meat filled the kitchen when she cracked open the door. Yum. It was looking good.
‘Hello,’ she said absentmindedly into the phone. She was still focused on her meal. She couldn’t wait to slice into that beef.
‘Beth?’ The soft voice on the other end of the line snapped her attention away from dinner.
‘Kelsey. Oh, hi. I was going to call you tonight,’ Beth said, sinking into the closest chair.
‘That’s okay, I’ve beat you to it. I wanted to apologise for yesterday. I was really raw from the night before and I kinda over-reacted. So, I’m sorry and I hope you can forgive me.’
It felt like a knife was twisting in Beth’s stomach. Kelsey was not the one who should be apologising. ‘No, Kels, it’s me who needs who needs to say sorry. I wasn’t completely honest with you yesterday and I really need to tell you something.’
Kelsey’s tinkling laugh came down the phone. ‘No, I think you were pretty honest in what you said to me. It got me thinking, and you’re right. I do try to please Mark all the time. I never stand up for what I believe in or fight for what I want. I never noticed that about myself before. Have I always done that?’
Beth sat at the table with her hand over her mouth. Oh God, she moaned. If she could take back yesterday she would.
‘Beth? Are you still there?’
The speech she’d prepared in the garden disappeared from her mind. She desperately tried to recall at least some of it.
‘Beth?’
‘I’m still here,’ she managed to force out. ‘You don’t need to apologise for anything at all, Kels.’
‘Yes I do,’ she said. ‘You were trying to help and all I did was snap at you and then run away like some spoiled brat. My behaviour all weekend has been horrible. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. And I’ve caused more trouble for someone who doesn’t deserve it.’
‘I think it’s safe to say that we’ve both done things this weekend we’re not proud of.’ That was sure the understatement of the year.
‘No, Beth, you don’t understand,’ Kelsey said. ‘I think I’ve ruined someone’s life. I’ve tried to take it back but now they are saying the story’s just too big. I just hope they change their minds.’
Kelsey sounded really worried but Beth was sure she was over-reacting. ‘Trust me, Kelsey, What you’ve done has been nowhere near as bad as what I’ve done. And I didn’t mean to do it,’ she rushed. She needed to get the words out before she chickened out. ‘It just sort of happened. Not that I did anything to stop it at the time. I was a willing participant. I just wish I hadn’t been so drunk…or hungover…or whatever I was. I’m so sorry Kelsey. It was an accident. A total, complete mistake.’
There was silence on the end of the phone for a moment and all Beth could hear was the sound of her own rapid breathing. She should be telling Kelsey all this in person rather than over the phone.
‘What is it you’ve done?’ Kelsey whispered. ‘Please tell me it’s not what I think it is.’
‘Kels…’
‘Please tell me you didn’t sleep with him,’ Kelsey’s voice was so quiet Beth could barely hear her.
‘I’m so sorry, Kelsey, it was an accident.’
‘An accident?!’ Her voice came thundering down the phone. ‘Crashing a car is an accident. Slipping over on ice is an accident. But how in the hell is having sex with my boyfriend an accident?’
