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What would it be like, I pondered, if he would see me as a woman rather than a child? What would it be like to dance with such a man, our bodies moving in unison or counterpoint? What would it be like to flirt, to spar verbally, discovering some understanding that would touch both heart and mind? To converse about something of more consequence than a hunting hound? Even now, it might be my avowed intention to remain a virgin bride until Jonty was ready to put that to rights, rather than a boy rolling in the dust in a wrestling match with his peers, but I thought I would enjoy the company and esteem of a knight who was a man, and talented withal.
And here he was, bowing with extravagant grace, and with a gallant turn of his wrist inviting me to join him as if he had no recall of me in an extremity of pure terror, of which I was not proud.
‘Will you dance, my lady?’
I loved dancing. Being adept at every complicated step and simple procession it was on my lips to leap at the opportunity, for this was the carole that I particularly enjoyed. Then I decided that I really had no wish to dance, or not yet, knowing full well how impossible it was to hold a conversation when one’s partner was hopping at some distance. Here was a man who stirred my blood. Here was a man I wished to talk with.
A man I wished to impress?
But of course, I admitted as into my mind came the image of how he had seen me last. Frightened, blood-smeared and filthy. I wanted him to see me as I was now: finely clad, in command of my senses and my conversation, adept in the fine art of courtly love. I had been woefully ignorant, but five months at court had done much for my education. Recalling his final flamboyant gesture of a courtly kiss, I wanted to see if it had been a mere passing gesture in the enhanced emotions of the moment. Or perhaps John Holland might be persuaded to repeat the experience.
Despite my eagerness, however, I would take utmost care. There would be no scandal attached to my blood and proud name. I knew all about his reputation, more now since I had gossiped during the wedding celebrations. I was not the only woman to have an interest in John Holland—even now eyes were following his every move—but I determined to hide it better than some.
‘Well?’ he asked, brows flattening into a black bar when I hesitated far too long for polite refusal. ‘I didn’t think my invitation to dance would call for such deep contemplation. Unless you have no energy for it, you being so advanced in years.’ His face remained grave. ‘Or perhaps you have taken a dislike of me, in the manner of any capricious woman.’
‘No, Sir John, not being capricious I have not taken you in dislike,’ I replied promptly now, ‘although I might if you frown at me.’ Knowing full well that he was mocking me, I placed my fingers on his arm, walking with him as if I would allow him to lead me into the newly forming circle. ‘Is it possible for you to dance in those?’ I gestured to his hazardous footwear.
‘Assuredly, lady. If you can manage the bolt of cloth in that ostentatious garment you’re wearing without tripping over it.’
I smiled pityingly, for who was he to point the finger? Used as I was to brother Henry’s taste in ostentation—was he not even now enveloped in gold damask and gold lions? —here beside me was lavish resplendence. John Holland’s formal calf-length houppelande, dagged and heavily trimmed with silk at hem and neck, the blood-red of its hue not a colour that flattered many, swirled and fell into heavy folds. As he moved the burden of expensive perfume—something foreign and costly such as the heady note of ambergris, I thought—surprised me, teasing at my senses. It would be no easy task for him to caper with dexterity, but I was in no doubt that he could. Determined to give no sign of any appreciation of this vision who had sought my company, I replied with comparable solemnity.
‘Then I fear that you must find another partner, Sir John. I find that I do not wish to dance after all.’
‘Well, that’s forthright enough.’ He stopped. So did I, glancing up at him. It pleased me that he was taller. ‘I’ll stop frowning. What do you wish to do instead?’ There was a gleam in his eye.
‘I would like a cup of wine and somewhere to sit. I have been on my feet since I rose from my bed at dawn.’
‘And were you alone in your bed, before you rose?’ His thumb brushed over my knuckles.
So! I took a breath. ‘Sir John?’
‘Madam Countess?’
Since this was a level of familiarity even beyond my improved experience, I felt hot blood rise in my cheeks, but I held his stare. ‘Of course, alone.’
‘Is your husband not present?’ he asked, all gentle malice.
‘He is here. He is in my father’s retinue.’ Jonty had come for the wedding, as was fitting.
John Holland showed his teeth in a smile. ‘Poor Elizabeth!’
I knew his sly reference to my half-wed state. Enough of this, I thought. ‘I would not be such a poor thing if you would find a cup of wine for me.’
‘Your wish will be my command, my lady.’
He led me to one of the cushioned stools placed against the wall, far enough from the crowd to allow us a little privacy, where he bowed me to take my seat and disappeared in search of sustenance. I watched him go, without making it too obvious, my heart still beating harder than my sitting at a court reception would engender.
John Holland, I mused, was all I remembered him to be, and all I had recently discovered. A man of hidden depths, a bold companion, but probably a dangerous enemy. But ambition and ability in the tilting field was not what intrigued me. Apart from the sheer force of his presence whenever he entered a room, what fascinated me was that John Holland had been enveloped in rumour and scandal since the day of his birth. Or more accurately, the scandal that was of Princess Joan’s making.
As we all knew the salacious details of it—how Philippa and I had enjoyed dissecting these early years of the Fair Maid of Kent’s life! Princess Joan was first married when very young to Sir Thomas Holland, something of a clandestine event but certainly legal. But Sir Thomas went off on Crusade, leaving Joan behind to be forced—in her own words—into a second marriage with the Earl of Salisbury. When Sir Thomas returned, it was to discover his wife wed to the Earl in an undoubtedly bigamous union. And Sir Thomas, from some strange motivation, took up a position as steward in their household.
Such a delicious ménage à trois!
But Sir Thomas wanted his wife back, and got her when he appealed to the Pope that Joan had promised herself to him and shared his bed. Did Joan prefer Sir Thomas to the hapless Earl of Salisbury? Who was to know? She and Sir Thomas had five children together before Sir Thomas died, leaving Joan a widow and free to wed again to Prince Edward. It might have been against the wishes of King Edward and Queen Philippa, for Joan was no innocent virgin, but she had achieved her heart’s desire, and here was her royal son Richard, wearing the crown.
And here, working his path through the crowd was John Holland, her youngest child by that first marriage, now a Knight of the Garter, thirty years old, darkly beautiful to my mind with none of the fairness of Richard. A man who was creating his own glamour, his own scandals. He was unlike any other man I knew.
I watched him make his way in leisurely fashion, a smile here, a comment there, a pause as some acquaintance exchanged an opinion or a jibe, an appropriate inclination of his head towards one of the dowagers. He had all the poise, all the courtly aplomb in the world, and, as the King’s brother, no one would be unwise enough to rebuff him. When he finally approached me again, he smiled, and, unable to prevent myself, I discovered that I was smiling back.
You are playing with fire, a voice of common sense warned, disconcertingly in the tones of Dame Katherine who was no longer one of our number. After the debacle of the Great Rising, my father had dedicated himself to a life of sinless morality to achieve God’s blessing on England.
But how pleasant to be a little singed, I replied, wishing that she were here. What right have you to advise me on such matters? As my father’s mistress, dubbed a whore by Walsingham for leading my father into sin, I thought she had no right to be critical.
But she would not be put in her place. Take care he does not burn you to cinders. Some men, as I know to my cost, are impossible to withstand.
All I intended was to practice the arts of courtly love. And with so personable a man. I had no intention of being a burnt offering on the altar of John Holland’s male pride.
So have many women said. Particularly, of late, the Duchess of …
I cut off the voice before it could say more, and then he was returned with loose-limbed grace, the perfect protagonist upon whom to polish my female skills. Was I love-struck? Certainly not. Merely enjoying my first experiences under the power of a flattering tongue, spreading my wings in the company of a man of many talents.
I smiled at my sister who was watching me from across the chamber, brows arched. I knew that expression, and looked away.
‘You look pleased to see me return,’ John Holland observed. ‘Did you think I would abandon you?’
‘I am pleased. I am thirsty, and I knew you would not leave me desolate, Sir John. Did not our King command you to entertain me? Not even you would dare disobey him on this most auspicious of days.’
‘Do you say?’
‘Yes. Are you going to give me that cup of wine? You may as well be of use to me.’ I managed a perfect air of abstraction.
‘Which puts me in my place. Since you need to sit, I will sit with you.’ He hooked a foot round a stool, pulled it close and sat.
Which suited me very well. I had the energy to dance through the night but with our previous meeting in mind I sipped, smiled my thanks, smoothing the folds of my oversleeves so they draped in elegant contours to the floor, wondering if he would remind me. There were some elements of it, such as my own appearance and demeanour, I would rather remain buried in the past. And so I would select a different direction for our conversation, and, if possible, puncture his self-possession a little.
‘Have you been absent from court, sir?’ I knew very well that he had.
‘Yes. I have a new lordship in Gascony to oversee, as well as recent grants of estates in England. Did you not miss me?’
I was prepared for this. ‘No, sir.’ Inspecting the contents of my cup. ‘I have been much occupied.’
‘I see that you have put your time here at Westminster to excellent use.’ I looked up. Of course he remembered. How would it be possible for him to forget such a cataclysmic event that brought us all close to disaster? ‘A marked improvement on the last time we met. I must commend you.’ He raised his cup in a toast, which I returned, with insouciance.
‘In what respect, sir?’ I risked.
‘In respect of the radiant Countess of Pembroke.’ There was a challenge that glimmered in his eye. ‘Dishevelled, terrified and tearful, as I recall, and undoubtedly sharp-tongued. Today you are become one of the most beautiful women in this tedious gathering.’ I felt his appraisal, which, to my chagrin, brought colour to my cheeks, as did his fulsome compliment. ‘You were less than presentable when I saw you last.’
‘Can you blame me, Sir John? But I deny that I was tearful.’ Did he need to remind me? I raised my chin a little, even as the beat of my heart lurched and I sought for a mature response to an event that still had the power to distress me. I had no intention of being seduced by clever accolades, but I would enjoy them.
‘Perhaps I was mistaken.’ He inclined his head graciously. ‘You had been tossed into an impossible situation.’
‘From which you rescued me,’ I said, eyes cast once more demurely down to my wine cup, anticipation rife, sensing that this man was at his most dangerous when smoothly compliant.
‘Despite your reluctance to be rescued.’ An innocuous reply.
‘I must thank you for your forbearance if I seemed less than amenable.’
‘I have to say, Madam Elizabeth,’ he responded promptly, ‘that it is not only your appearance that has undergone a transformation. Today your tongue is touched with honey.’
I knew my eyes sparkled. I would not rise to that bait, like a salmon snatching at a mayfly, only to be dragged to land by an enterprising fisherman. Instead I cast my own bait on the choppy waters.
What an enjoyable conversation this was becoming.
‘I am astonished,’ I observed, ‘that Richard agreed to receive you at court, Sir John, if what I hear is true.’
With alacrity the bait was snapped up. Would nothing disconcert him? ‘Admirable! You have reverted to your acerbic mood, I note. And at my expense. Take care, Madam Elizabeth. Would you do battle with me?’
‘Yes, when you avoid my question.’
‘You did not ask a question. You made an observation. Which is patently untrue. My brother is always pleased to have me close.’
‘Even with the recent scandal? Causing waves to unsettle the whole family?’
‘I see no waves.’ Straightening, he swept a wide gesture to encompass the chattering throng. Indeed there were none, everyone present intent on nothing but enjoyment, but I pursued my quarry, since he was proving to be a willing combatant.
‘My father the Duke was most displeased.’
‘Are you sure, Countess? The Duke has been nothing but grateful for my recent services in his expedition to besiege St Malo. Even if it was destined to failure.’
A fast lunge and parry. A rapid cut and thrust. How exhilarating it was to talk with a man in this fashion. Would I ever have such conversation with Jonty? I knew that I never would.
‘As for waves …’ I mused. ‘Perhaps they are only invisible because the lady in question is not here to stir them into life.’ I too looked around the vast chamber, feigning astonished interest at the absence of the woman in question. ‘But I expect she will announce herself very soon, and then we will see …’
‘Do you spend all your days listening to gossip?’ he interrupted, those dark eyes wide with innocence, unless one looked too closely and was tempted to fall into their depths. Quickly I looked away, taking another sip of wine.
‘Yes. What else is there for me to do? I fear your reputation has sunk you in the mire, Sir John.’
‘You shouldn’t believe all you hear, Madam Elizabeth.’
‘Is it not true, then? The court has been awash with it.’
‘I’ll not tell you.’
‘I see.’ I looked at him through my lashes as once more I took a sip of wine. ‘Are you already suffering remorse, perhaps? Intending to confess your sins and mend your ways?’ I leaned a little towards him. ‘You can tell me, you know. I can be most discreet.’
‘When is a young woman ever discreet? And I don’t believe I’ve ever suffered a moment’s remorse in all my life.’ He laughed again, a rich attractive sound that drew eyes. ‘I’ll not tell you my thoughts, because you’re too young for such salacious gossip.’
‘What would I not know? I am nineteen years old. And wed.’
‘To a husband who does not share your bed. Thus making you a charmingly innocent virgin wife. And,’ he added, with no warning at all, ‘I would like nothing better than to rob you of that innocence.’
Which effectively silenced me. Even more when, before I could prevent it, he had snatched up my free hand in his and raised it to press his lips to my fingers. This was far more outspoken, more particular, than I had expected, but had I not goaded him? I had asked for this riposte. Casting a hasty glance over our courtly companions, it was a relief to see that his attentions were unobserved, but a ripple of awareness, and not a little fear, ran over my nape as my hand was not released.
‘You must not, sir. Do you wish to make me the subject of similar gossip?’
Upon which John Holland’s smile vanished like the sun behind a particularly virulent storm cloud, and he became broodingly brisk and businesslike, defying me to follow his moods.
‘Don’t worry, Countess. I’ve not impugned your honour. It’s only a kiss between family. Your father would have my skin nailed to the flag-pole at Kenilworth if he thought I had shown you any disrespect, and I can’t afford to antagonise Lancaster, can I? I’m in receipt of his livery. It was my mistake to single you out in such a manner. As for you, Cousin, if you are going to wield a weapon, you must do so against someone of your own weight. Otherwise you will be wounded.’
Although my face was afire, I could not prevent an arch response. ‘I am no cousin of yours. There is no blood connection.’
‘So you are not, Lady of Pembroke, but near enough. Accept this as a cousinly salute.’
And there was pressure of his mouth on my knuckles again, trivial enough but startling by the implied intimacy so that I stiffened, and he must have caught a sense of it.
‘What is it? Have I seriously unsettled you? I had thought you to be more worldly wise, mistress. I was wrong. You must forgive me.’
The timbre of his voice was suddenly dry enough to warn me that he had abandoned his previous trifling, and lurking at the edge of his disclaimer was the undoubted provocation. You can trust me or not, as you wish. I don’t care. Nor did he, but I would not allow him to discomfit me. I recovered fast to display condescension when he half rose to leave. I did not want him to go. Not yet, and assuredly not on his terms where he had presumed me to be naïve.
‘I am not wounded. Did you think you drew blood?’ I asked, tugging my hand free but replying with a show of serenity as I spread my arms wide. ‘See. I am unharmed. The Earl of Pembroke does not share my bed until he is of age. It is no secret. And it is not in your power to rob me of my innocence.’
Settling back on the stool, he perused me, much like a well-fed hawk would watch a mouse in the long grass, undecided whether to make the effort to pounce or abandon it for more worthy prey. Something in my expression, or perhaps in my picking up on his outrageous threat, made him observe: ‘I doubt the situation satisfies you, whatever you say. How old is he?’
‘Jonty has reached his tenth year.’
He lifted a shoulder in a little shrug. ‘So you have decided to wait to enjoy the pleasures of the bedchamber under the auspices of holy matrimony …’
This unnerved me all over again but I was improving in smart retaliation. ‘Of course I will wait. I make no complaint. Now you it seems do not need a wife at all. Unless it’s someone else’s.’
‘I see you have not been imbued with politesse, Madam Elizabeth.’
‘My social graces are excellent, Sir John.’
‘You have wit and charm, certainly.’
To my satisfaction, he had begun to smile again. ‘Is that all, Sir John?’
‘Are you perhaps fishing for compliments, Madam Elizabeth?’
‘No, indeed. I have no need to do so. I receive many compliments.’
‘I expect you do. How could you not with your illustrious parentage? Some of us are not so fortunate, and must work harder for it …’ His mouth acquired a derisive twist, even a hint of temper, that caught my interest. Then, with smooth transition, so that I might have thought I imagined the whole: ‘Do you stay at court long, madam?’
A superlatively rapid volte face. So he had no wish to stir the mud in that particular pond of his troubled parentage, but he had given me an insight I had not expected. I let it go for now, and followed his direction into calmer waters.
‘Yes. That is, I hope so. And what of you?’
‘My plans are fluid.’
