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‘You already apologised for that at the time,’ he interrupted.
‘Yes, but I didn’t apologise for actually breaking it.’
‘To be fair, you didn’t know you had broken it.’
‘So it’s true? I did break it?’ I replied, a little horrified. I was still secretly hoping Mags had got her facts skewed on this. I don’t know why I thought not breaking his nose was any better than breaking it. I’d still punched him, for goodness’ sake. But in my own little twisted mess of logic, it made a semblance of sense.
‘You did.’
‘Oh my God.’ I covered my face with my hands, shame and embarrassment flooding over me again.
Rob laughed and gave me a quick squeeze around the shoulders. ‘Don’t even think about it, Izz. I’ve been playing rugby since I was six years old. It’s not the first time it’s been broken. I doubt it’ll be the last, either.’
I dropped my hands down to my lap and slid my glance to him.
‘Honestly. It’s ok. Frankly, I was kind of impressed.’
‘What? Why?’
Rob laughed. ‘Izzy, look at you! You’re this petite, waif-y, very feminine-looking little thing who looks like she’d blow over in a strong breeze and you knocked a six-foot-three, seventeen stone rugby playing bloke on his arse and broke his nose.’
‘And that’s impressive? I’m more inclined to call it mortifying! And I’m not sure how I feel about being called a “waif-y little thing” either.’
‘It wasn’t meant in a derogatory way. A lot of men find it very attractive – look at Kylie! So don’t knock it. And yes, it is impressive. I’m still getting jibes at the club about being decked by a girl. Either way, it certainly makes me worry less about you walking to the tube!’
‘Oh dear. I’m sorry you’re getting teased. I didn’t really think that whole thing through.’
‘Don’t worry. I give as good as I get.’
I grinned. ‘That I believe.’
‘That’s the first real smile I’ve seen from you all evening.’
At his words, the smile faded a little.
‘Uh oh. Looks like I should have kept quiet.’
I rolled my eyes at him and he chuckled, sipping his coffee.
‘Let’s have a look at this weather.’ he said, opening the laptop.
I put my hand on the lid and closed it again, gently. Rob looked up, the same expression of confusion on his face as he’d shown earlier. Poor Rob. I had a feeling he wished his meeting had been elsewhere this evening, which would have allowed him to avoid bumping into me and inadvertently boarding the Isabel Emotional Rollercoaster.
‘I need to apologise for some other things, and I need to do it now. I’ve already let it go on for far too long.’
Rob didn’t say anything so I carried on.
‘I’m sorry I walked out at the church. I should have stayed until you came back in from making the announcement, not least to thank you for doing that.’
I could see Rob was about to say something. I put my hand on his arm to stall him.
‘I never thought about the position that you were in. Having to come and tell me Steven wasn’t coming. I know you and I weren’t close but we were friends, and I’m pretty sure, from what I knew – know – of you, that it wasn’t an easy thing for you to have to do. I’m sorry that you were put in that position and I’m sorry that I didn’t handle it better.’
‘Izzy.’ Rob moved and took my hands in his. They practically disappeared within them. I never thought of myself as particularly petite. Mags was pretty dinky too so there was no big comparison usually. Now, sat next to Rob, my hands engulfed in his, I could see why he’d describe me as waif-like. And I realised that, from him, I didn’t mind it. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard a similar term, but from Rob it had seemed like a compliment. That was new. I looked up from our hands and into Rob’s gentle brown eyes, surrounded by ridiculously long, thick and jealousy-inducing dark lashes.
‘Izz?’ His voice sounded unsure.
‘Sorry, yes?’ I came back from the lash envy.
‘Please don’t ever blame yourself for what happened. None of it was your fault. And I really don’t like to think of you believing that any of it was.’
I pulled a face. ‘I’m pretty sure some of it was down to me. I mean, it was me that he didn’t want to marry, after all.’
‘And he’s a fool for that!’ There was an edge to Rob’s voice that I’d rarely heard. I tried to meet his eyes but he’d already turned away. Letting go of my hands, he pushed my mug towards me.
‘This is getting cold.’
I leant forward and picked up the mug, cradling it in my hands, enjoying the warmth.
‘I wanted to say sorry for ignoring all your calls and texts, too. I don’t know why I did. Well, I do, I suppose.’
Rob still wasn’t looking at me. I carried on.
‘I was just embarrassed. At having been stood up. At having punched you. At having fled like an overly dramatic heroine in a Barbara Cartland novel. Just at everything. And I suppose I thought that having contact with you was too close to having contact with Steven.’
I felt Rob stiffen next to me.
‘I understand.’ His voice was tight. ‘As I said, you shouldn’t feel responsible for anything that happened that day. Everything that went wrong was down to Steven being a twat. It’s as simple as that. And I can see now why you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. What was supposed to be the best day of your life turned out to be one of the worst. And as the messenger, you’re always going to associate me with that day, that moment. It’s understandable. I guess I never thought about it like that. I just wanted to know that you were ok. Mags had assured me that you were – at least that you were putting on a brave face, which I knew you would. But I suppose I needed to see for myself. I realise now that I should have just taken Mags’ word and not barrelled in.’
‘Rob…’
He looked at me for the first time since he’d started his speech. ‘There’s something I do need you to know though. I am nothing like Steven. I would never, ever have done that to you – to anyone,’ he corrected himself, ‘I went to see him straight after and told him exactly what I thought of his actions and his cowardice. We haven’t spoken since.’
‘Oh Rob, no! I never meant for you to fall out with Steven over this. What happened between us shouldn’t affect your friendship. One has nothing to do with the other.’
‘Yes, it does, Izzy. And of course it’s going to affect it. How could it not? He ensured that it would by dumping me right in the middle of it all. And he lied to me. I was supposed to stay over the night before. We were going to go out and get breakfast in the morning then go back to the flat and get ready. Steven cancelled the night before and said he had a really bad headache.’
‘He told me the same thing when I called to say goodnight. He does get bad headaches.’ I obviously wasn’t Steven’s biggest fan right now but I also had a streak of fair play running through me, which forced me to confirm his account and reasons. Annoyingly.
‘Yeah I know. And I know that the nerves might have kicked it off, which is why I didn’t think too much of it. But then he said that he wouldn’t be able to do breakfast the next day either. I asked him why and he just said that he thought it would be better to have a lie in. When I asked him if everything was ok, he said it was. That he just wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to feel bad at the wedding. I took him at his word because I never had reason to doubt him.’
‘What is it that you’re saying?’
‘I’m saying that Steven knew the night before that he wasn’t going to be at that church.’
I looked at Rob. ‘You don’t know that.’ I said, my voice betraying my own uncertainty.
Rob ran a hand over his hair. ‘Yeah, Izz. I do. He told me.’
I couldn’t help the tears that pricked at my eyes, even though I willed them away. Rob noticed anyway.
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘Yes. You should. Please. Just tell me what else you know.’
‘There isn’t much else to tell. He said he’d meet me at the church instead. So, on the day it was getting later and later, and he wasn’t answering his phone. I had all these visions that something awful had happened and was kicking myself for not going round. I was just about to drive over there when he finally picked up and told me that he couldn’t do it. That he just didn’t feel ready to get married.’
‘I never pressured him into getting engaged or setting a date. You have to know that.’
‘No. I know you didn’t.’ Rob took my hand, ‘It wasn’t your fault. None of it. Please don’t ever forget that.’
I smiled at his sincerity.
‘Ok. But you still don’t know that Steven didn’t just panic at the last minute.’ I had no idea whether I was trying to defend Steven – and if so, why. Or if it was that, somehow, being stood up at the last minute was better than the alternative Rob was hinting at.
‘I asked him outright. When I went round there after you’d left.’
I shook my head.
‘I’m sorry, Izz. I guess Steven had changed more than I thought over the years. The bloke I went to uni with would never have acted like that. He would have had the guts to sort it out earlier. And he would have had the guts to tell you himself.’
‘Thereby reducing the chance that you’d be the one to get a fist in the face.’
Rob gave me half a crooked grin, ‘I have to admit, I hadn’t even considered that was a remote possibility until it happened. Perhaps Steven was more canny than I thought. Although he did look pretty shocked when I turned up at his place suitably bloody.’
‘I can imagine.’
‘He thought your dad might have done it.’
‘Dad would never have hit you. He knew you had nothing to do with it. Though, I can’t guarantee he wouldn’t have floored Steven, given the opportunity.’
‘Good to know. But, like I said, maybe I shouldn’t have told you.’
‘No. I’m glad you did. I know this can’t have been easy for you, Rob. And I’m so sorry that it’s caused you to lose a friend.’
‘Yeah. Me too. But I asked him if everything was ok the night before. I gave him the opportunity to tell me then and there. If he had just told me then, I would have understood.’ He pulled a face, ‘Well, understood might be an overstatement. But dealt with it better, at least. There might have been a chance at salvaging the friendship. But not this way. He lied to me. He lied to you. He left you to face everyone. On your own.’
‘I wasn’t on my own.’ I said softly, touching my shoulder against his for a moment, but keeping my face turned away, just until I regained my composure a little more.
‘Izzy. I know it’ll always be hard for you to disassociate me from that day, and I can understand that. I understand if you don’t want to ever see me again but if you’ll permit me to ask one thing of you, it’s that you never lump me together with Steven just because, for one day, we were supposed to wear matching suits.’
I didn’t really know what to say. My throat felt like it was closing up, so even if I’d known what to say, I’m not sure I would have been able to voice it. Instead I just shook my head. I swallowed hard.
‘I promise.’ I replied, eventually.
A brief smile flashed on Rob’s face, not quite hitting his eyes.
‘Ok. Now that’s all sorted, let’s see about getting you home.’
I glanced up at the huge window. There were curtains hanging either side but I doubted Rob ever closed them. With a view like that, I certainly wouldn’t. The snow was still falling and if anything, had only got heavier. When I looked back, Rob had the laptop open and was looking at a couple of different pages showing weather, roads and live traffic updates. His teeth worried his bottom lip as he concentrated.
‘How’s it looking?’ I asked when I couldn’t bear the suspense any longer.
‘Yeah, umm, I think we can work something out.’ He threw me a smile before going back to the computer.
I burst out laughing. Rob turned, his expression a mixture of surprise and confusion.
‘What’s so funny?’ he asked, a smile forming on his face in response to mine.
‘You.’
‘I’m not sure I like the sound of that.’
I grinned again and bumped against his side in jest. ‘You are absolutely the world’s worst liar.’
He pulled a face. ‘I am?’
‘I’m afraid so. But don’t worry. That’s not a bad thing. Actually, it’s a pretty good thing in my book.’ I smiled, honestly. I’d had more than enough of being lied to. And I knew why Rob was trying to cover his fib in this case. He knew I wanted to get home, but I was guessing from his terrible lie that the roads and weather were pretty bad.
‘How do you ever win court cases?’
‘What?’ he asked, a completely bemused look on his face.
‘You do have court cases sometimes, don’t you?’
‘Yes.’ he answered slowly, clearly having no idea where this conversation was going.
‘Well, don’t you have to be able to fool people, and stuff? If your attempt at telling me the roads were fine is anything to go by, I – and don’t take this the wrong way – I don’t think you can be very good at it.’
‘So what you’re saying is, not only do you count me in the same low level of humanity as your ex, but you also think I’m terrible at my job? Is that what you’re saying?’
I sat for a moment looking at him. His honest face had transformed into one with a completely unreadable expression. And put like that, it sort of did sound like that’s what I was saying. But I wasn’t! And then I caught it. The little smirk that was starting at the corner of his mouth.
‘Oh, you!’ I grabbed a scatter cushion and whacked him with it. ‘That wasn’t what I was saying at all. And you know it!’
‘Fair enough,’ he laughed, ‘and for your information, lying isn’t a part of my job. I have to go on what the facts say. And whilst I am apparently the “world’s worst liar”, I do have a pretty good poker face, which comes in far more handy in my job. Thank goodness.’
‘You certainly do.’ There was no denying that. Until I’d seen that grin start to sneak out, I’d had no idea as to what his reaction was to what he thought I was saying.
‘So,’ I started, replacing my weapon in the corner of the sofa, ‘I’m guessing that the roads are pretty bad.’
Rob pulled an apologetic face. ‘I’m afraid they’re not looking the best.’ He pulled the computer from the table onto his lap and pointed at the traffic page he had up, ‘I’ve looked at all the possible routes we could try. They’re all showing red at the moment.’
‘And red’s obviously not good.’
‘No. Red means traffic’s pretty much at a standstill. From what I can see, it looks like there’s been an accident on the main route out and, of course, everyone else has tried to find other ways, which, with the weather and increased volume of traffic, has just bunged them up too.’
‘Oh. That’s not good then, is it?’
