Monsieur De Pourceaugnac

Mr. Pour. I am your servant.

1st Phy. Here is a clever man, one of my brethren, with whom I will consult concerning the manner of our treating you.

Mr. Pour. There is no need of so much ceremony, I tell you; I am easily satisfied.

1st Phy. Bring some seats. (Servants come in and place chairs.)

Mr. Pour. (aside). These servants are rather dismal for a young man.

1st Phy. Now, Sir; take a seat, Sir. (The two Physicians make Mr. De Pourceaugnac sit between them.)

Mr. Pour. (seated). Your very humble servant. (Each Physician takes one of his hands, and feels his pulse.) What are you about?

1st Phy. Do you eat well, Sir?

Mr. Pour. Yes; and drink still better.

1st Phy. So much the worse! That great craving for cold and wet is a sign of the heat and aridity that is within. Do you sleep well?

Mr. Pour. Yes; when I have made a hearty supper.

1st Phy. Do you dream much?

Mr. Pour. Now and then.

1st Phy. Of what nature are your dreams?

Mr. Pour. Of the nature of dreams. What the deuce is the meaning of this conversation?

1st Phy. Have a little patience. We will reason upon your affair in your presence; and we will do it in the vulgar tongue, so that you may understand better.

Mr. Pour. What great reasoning is there wanted to eat a mouthful?

1st Phy. Since it is a fact that we cannot cure any disease without first knowing it perfectly, and that we cannot know it perfectly without first establishing its exact nature and its true species by its diagnosis and prognosis, you will give me leave, you, my senior, to enter upon the consideration of the disease that is in question, before we think of the therapeutics and the remedies that we must decide upon in order to effect a perfect cure. I say then, Sir, if you will allow me, that our patient here present is unhappily attacked, affected, possessed, and disordered by that kind of madness which we properly name hypochondriac melancholy; a very trying kind of madness, and which requires no less than an Æsculapius deeply versed in our art like you; you, I say, who have become grey in harness, as the saying hath it; and through whose hands so much business of all sorts has passed. I call it hypochondriac melancholy, to distinguish it from the other two; for the celebrated Galen establishes and decides in a most learned manner, as is usual with him, that there are three species of the disease which we call melancholy, so called, not only by the Latins, but also by the Greeks; which in this case is worthy of remark: the first, which arises from a direct disease of the brain; the second, which proceeds from the whole of the blood, made and rendered atrabilious; and the third, termed hypochondriac, which is our case here, and which proceeds from some lower part of the abdomen; and from the inferior regions, but particularly the spleen; the heat and inflammation whereof sends up to the brain of our patient abundance of thick and foul fuliginosities; of which the black and gross vapours cause deterioration to the functions of the principal faculty, and cause the disease by which he is manifestly accused and convicted. In proof of what I say, and as an incontestable diagnostic of it, you need only consider that great seriousness, that sadness, accompanied by signs of fearfulness and suspicion – pathognomonic and particular symptoms of this disease, so well defined by the divine ancient Hippocrates; that countenance, those red and staring eyes, that long beard, that habit of body, thin, emaciated, black, and hairy – signs denoting him greatly affected by the disease proceeding from a defect in the hypochondria; which disease, by lapse of time, being naturalised, chronic, habitual, ingrained, and established within him, might well degenerate either into monomania, or into phthisis, or into apoplexy, or even into downright frenzy and raving. All this being taken for granted, since a disease well-known is a disease half cured, for ignoti nulla est curatio morbis, it will not be difficult for you to conclude what are the remedies needed by our patient. First of all, to remedy this obdurate plethora, and this luxuriant cacochymy throughout the body, I opine that he should be freely phlebotomised; by which I mean that there should be frequent and abundant bleedings, first in the basilic vein, then in the cephalic vein; and if the disease be obstinate, that even the vein of the forehead should be opened, and that the orifice be large, so that the thick blood may issue out; and, at the same time, that he should be purged, deobstructed, and evacuated by fit and suitable purgatives, i.e. by chologues and melanogogues. And as the real source of all this mischief is either a foul and feculent humour or a black and gross vapour, which obscures, empoisons, and contaminates the animal spirits, it is proper afterwards that he should have a bath of pure and clean water, with abundance of whey; to purify, by the water, the feculency of the foul humour, and by the whey to clarify the blackness of the vapour. But, before all things, I think it desirable to enliven him by pleasant conversations, by vocal and instrumental music, to which it will not be amiss to add dancers, that their movements, figures, and agility may stir up and awaken the sluggishness of his spirits, which occasions the thickness of his blood from whence the disease proceeds. These are the remedies I propose, to which may be added many better ones by you, Sir, my master and senior, according to the experience, judgment, knowledge and sufficiency that you have acquired in our art. Dixi.

2nd Phy. Heaven forbid, Sir, that it should enter my thoughts to add anything to what you have just been saying! You have discoursed too well on all the signs, symptoms, and causes of this gentleman's disease. The arguments you have used are so learned and so delicate that it is impossible for him not to be mad and hypochondriacally melancholic; or, were he not, that he ought to become so, because of the beauty of the things you have spoken, and of the justness of your reasoning. Yes, Sir, you have graphically depicted, graphice depinxisti, everything that appertains to this disease. Nothing can be more learnedly, judiciously, and ingeniously conceived, thought, imagined, than what you have delivered on the subject of this disease, either as regards the diagnostic, the prognostic, or the therapeutic; and nothing remains for me to do but to congratulate this gentleman upon falling into your hands, and to tell him that he is but too fortunate to be mad, in order to experience the gentle efficacy of the remedies you have so judiciously proposed. I approve them in toto, manibus et pedibus descendo in tuam sententiam. All I should like to add is to let all his bleedings and purgings be of an odd number, numero deus impare gaudet, to take the whey before the bath, and to make him a forehead plaster, in the composition of which there should be salt – salt is a symbol of wisdom; to whitewash the walls of his room, to dissipate the gloominess of his mind; album est disgregativum visas; and to give him a little injection immediately, to serve as a prelude and introduction to those judicious remedies, from which, if he is curable, he must receive relief. Heaven grant that these remedies, which are yours, Sir, may succeed with the patient according to our wish!

Mr. Pour. Gentlemen, I have been listening to you for the last hour. Are we acting a comedy here?

1st Phy. No, Sir; we are not acting a comedy.

Mr. Pour. What does it all mean? What are you about with this gibberish and nonsense of yours?

1st Phy. Ah! Insulting language! A diagnostic which was wanting for the confirmation of his disease. This may turn to mania.

Mr. Pour. (aside). With what kind of people have they left me here. (He spits two or three times.)

1st Phy. Another diagnostic: frequent expectoration.

Mr. Pour. Let us cease all this, and go away.

1st Phy. Another: anxiety to move about.

Mr. Pour. What is the meaning of all this business? What do you want with me?

1st Phy. To cure you, according to the order we have received.

Mr. Pour. Cure me?

1st Phy. Yes.

Mr. Pour. S'death! I am not ill.

1st Phy. It is a bad sign when a patient does not feel his illness.

Mr. Pour. I tell you that I am quite well.

1st Phy. We know better than you how you are; we are physicians who see plainly into your constitution.

Mr. Pour. If you are physicians, I have nothing to do with you; and I snap my fingers at all your physic.

1st Phy. H'm! h'm! This man is madder than we thought.

Mr. Pour. My father and mother would never have anything to do with remedies; and they both died without the help of doctors.

1st Phy. I do not wonder if they have begotten a son who is mad. (To the 2nd Physician.) Come, let us begin the cure; and, through the exhilarating sweetness of harmony, let us dulcify, lenify, and pacify the acrimony of his spirits, which, I see, are ready to be inflamed. (Exeunt.)

SCENE XII. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC (alone)

What the devil is all this? Are the people of this place crazy? I never saw anything like it; and I don't understand it a bit.

SCENE XIII. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO PHYSICIANS (in grotesque clothes)

(They all three at first sit down; the Physicians rise up at different times to bow to Mr. de Pourceaugnac, who rises up as often to bow to them in return.)THE TWO PHYSICIANSBuon dì, buon dì, buon dì!Non vi lasciate uccidereDal dolor malinconico.Noi vi faremo ridereCol nostro canto armonico;Sol per guarirvi.Siamo venuti quì.Buon dì, buon dì, buon dì!1ST PHYSICIANAltro non è la pazziaChe malinconia.Il malatoNon è disperatoSe vol pigliar un poco d'allegria,Altro non è la pazziaChe malinconia.2ND PHYSICIANSù; cantate, ballate, ridete.E, se far meglio volete,Quando sentite il deliro vicinoPigliate del vino,E qualche volta un poco di tabàc.Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnàc. 9

SCENE XIV. – BALLET

SCENE XV. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, AN APOTHECARY

Apo. Sir, here is a little remedy; a little remedy which you must take, if you please; if you please.

Mr. Pour. How? I have no occasion for anything of the kind.

Apo. It was ordered, Sir; it was ordered.

Mr. Pour. Ah! What noise and bother.

Apo. Take it, Sir; take it, Sir. It will do you no harm; it will do you no harm, &c.

(Mr. de Pourceaugnac runs away, the Apothecary &c. after him.)

SCENE XVI. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, AN APOTHECARY, TWO PHYSICIANS (in grotesque clothes)

The Two PhysiciansPiglialo sù,Signor Monsu;Piglialo, piglialo, piglialo sù,Che non ti fara, male, &c.10

ACT II

SCENE I. – 1ST PHYSICIAN, SBRIGANI

1st Phy. He has forced through every obstacle I had placed to hinder him, and has fled from the remedies I was beginning to prepare for him.

Sbri. To avoid remedies so salutary as yours is to be a great enemy to oneself.

1st Phy. It is the mark of a disturbed brain and of a depraved reason to be unwilling to be cured.

Sbri. You would have cured him, for certain, in no time.

1st Phy. Certainly; though there had been the complication of a dozen diseases.

Sbri. With all that he makes you lose those fifty well-earned pistoles.

1st Phy. I have no intention of losing them; and I am determined to cure him in spite of himself. He is bound and engaged to take my remedies; and I will have him seized, wherever I can find him, as a deserter from physic and an infringer of my prescriptions.

Sbri. You are right. Your medicines were sure of their effect; and it is so much money he takes from you.

1st Phy. Where could I find him?

Sbri. No doubt, at the house of that goodman Oronte, whose daughter he comes to marry; and who, knowing nothing of the infirmity of his future son-in-law, will perhaps be in a hurry to conclude the marriage.

1st Phy. I will go and speak to him at once.

Sbri. You should, in justice to yourself.

1st Phy. He is in need of my consultations; and a patient must not make a fool of his doctor.

Sbri. That is well said; and, if I were you, I would not suffer him to marry till you have physicked him to your heart's content.

1st Phy. Leave that to me.

Sbri. (aside, and going). For my part, I will bring another battery into play; for the father-in-law is as much of a dupe as the son-in-law.

SCENE II. – ORONTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN

1st Phy. A certain gentleman, Sir, a Mr. de Pourceaugnac, is to marry your daughter; is he not?

Oro. Yes; I expect him from Limoges, and he ought to have been here before now.

1st Phy. And he has come; he has run away from my house, after having been placed under my care; but I forbid you, in the name of the faculty, to proceed with the marriage you have decided upon, before I have duly prepared him for it, and put him in a state to have children well-conditioned both in mind and body.

Oro. What is it you mean?

1st Phy. Your intended son-in-law was entered as my patient. His disease which was given me to cure is a chattel which belongs to me, and which I reckon among my possessions. I therefore declare to you that I will not allow him to marry before he has rendered due satisfaction to the faculty, and submitted to the remedies which I have ordered for him.

Oro. He is suffering from some disease?

1st Phy. Yes.

Oro. And from what disease, if you please?

1st Phy. Don't trouble yourself about that.

Oro. Is it some disease…?

1st Phy. Doctors are bound to keep things secret. Let it suffice you that I enjoin both you and your daughter not to celebrate the wedding without my consent, upon pain of incurring the displeasure of the faculty, and of undergoing all the diseases which we choose to lay upon you.

Oro. If that is the case, I shall take good care to put a stop to the marriage.

1st Phy. He was entrusted to me, and he is bound to be my patient.

Oro. Very well.

1st Phy. It is in vain for him to run away; I will have him sentenced to be cured by me.

Oro. I am very willing.

1st Phy. Yes; he must either die or be cured by me.

Oro. I consent to it.

1st Phy. And if I cannot find him, I will make you answerable, and cure you instead of him.

Oro. I am in very good health.

1st Phy. No matter. I must have a patient, and I will take anyone I can.

Oro. Take whom you will, but it shall not be me. (Alone) Did you ever hear of such a thing!

SCENE III. – ORONTE, SBRIGANI as a Flemish merchant

Sbri. Sir, py your leafe, I pe one voreign marchant, and vould like ask you one littel news.

Oro. What, Sir?

Sbri. Put you de hat on de head, Sir, if you pleace.

Oro. Tell me. Sir, what you want.

Sbri. I tell nozink, Sir, if you not put de hat on de head.

Oro. Very well, then, what is it, Sir?

Sbri. You not know in dis town one Mister Oronte?

Oro. Yes, I know him.

Sbri. And vat for one man is he, Sir, if you pleace?

Oro. He is like any other man.

Sbri. I ask you, Sir, if he one man of money is?

Oro. Yes.

Sbri. But very mooch rich, Sir?

Oro. Yes.

Sbri. It does me mooch pleasure, Sir.

Oro. But why should it?

Sbri. It is, Sir, for one littel great reason for us.

Oro. But why?

Sbri. It is, Sir, dat dis Mr. Oronte his tauchter in marriage to a certain Mr. Pourgnac gifes.

Oro. Well!

Sbri. And dis Mr. Pourgnac, Sir, is one man vat owes mooch golt to ten or twelf Flemish marchants vat come here.

Oro. T his Mr. de Pourceaugnac owes a great deal to ten or twelve merchants?

Sbri. Yes, Sir; and for de last eight months ve hafe obtain one littel judgment against him, and he put off all de credeetors till dis marriage vat Mr. Oronte gifes to his tauchter.

Oro. Ho! ho! So he puts off paying his creditors till then?

Sbri. Yes, Sir; and vid great defotion ve all wait for dis marriage.

Oro. The idea is not bad. (Aloud) I wish you good day.

Sbri. I tank de gentleman for de favour great.

Oro. Your very humble servant.

Sbri. I pe, Sir, more great obliged don all py de goot news vat the Mister gife me. (Alone, after having taken off his beard, and taken off the Flemish dress which he has put over his) Things don't go badly. All is going on swimmingly. I must throw off this disguise and think of something else. We will put so much suspicion between the father-in-law and his son-in-law that the intended marriage must come to nothing. They are both equally fit to swallow the baits that are laid for them, and it is mere child's play for us great sharpers when we find such easy gulls.

SCENE IV. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI

Mr. Pour. (thinking himself alone). Piglialo sù, piglialo sù, Signor Monsu. What the deuce does it all mean? (Seeing Sbrigani) Ah!

Sbri. What is the matter, Sir? what ails you?

Mr. Pour. Everything I see seems injection.

Sbri. How is that?

Mr. Pour. You can't think what has happened to me in that house where you took me.

Sbri. No! What has happened?

Mr. Pour. I thought I should be well feasted there.

Sbri. Well?

Mr. Pour. I leave you in this gentleman's hands. Doctors dressed in black. In a chair. Feel the pulse. In proof of what I say. He is mad. Two big, fat-faced fellows, with large-brimmed hats. Buon dì, buon dì. Six pantaloons. Ta, ra, ta, toi, ta, ra, ta, ta, toi. Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnac. Take, Sir; take, take. It is gentle, gentle, gentle. Piglialo sù, Signor Monsu; piglialo, piglialo sù. I never was so surfeited with absurdities in all my life.

Sbri. What does it all mean?

Mr. Pour. It means, Sir, that this gentleman, with all his kissing and hugging, is a deceitful rascal, who has sent me to that house to play me some trick.

Sbri. Is it possible?

Mr. Pour. It is, indeed. They were a dozen devils at my heels, and I had all the difficulty in the world to escape out of their clutches.

Sbri. Just fancy how deceitful people's looks are; I should have taken him for the most affectionate friend you have. It is a wonder to me how there can exist such rascals in the world.

Mr. Pour. My imagination is full of it all; and it seems to me that I see everywhere a dozen injections threatening me.

Sbri. This is really too bad! how treacherous and wicked people are!

Mr. Pour. Pray, tell me where Mr. Oronte lives. I should be glad to go there at once.

Sbri. Ah! ah! you are of a loving disposition, I see; and you have heard that Mr. Oronte has a daughter?

Mr. Pour. Yes; I am come to marry her.

Sbri. To ma … to marry her?

Mr. Pour. Yes.

Sbri. In wedlock?

Mr. Pour. How could it be otherwise?

Sbri. Oh! it is another thing, and I beg your pardon.

Mr. Pour. What is it you mean?

Sbri. Oh, nothing.

Mr. Pour. But, pray!

Sbri. Nothing, I tell you. I spoke rather hastily.

Mr. Pour. I beg of you to tell me what it is.

Sbri. No; it is not necessary.

Mr. Pour. Pray do.

Sbri. No; I beg you to excuse me.

Mr. Pour. What! are you not one of my friends?

Sbri. Yes, certainly; nobody more so.

Mr. Pour. Then you ought not to hide anything from me.

Sbri. It is a thing in which a neighbour's honour is concerned.

Mr. Pour. That I may oblige you to treat me like a friend, here is a small ring I beg of you to keep for my sake.

Sbri. Let me consider a little if I can in conscience do it. (Goes away a small distance from Mr. de Pourceaugnac.) He is a man who looks after his own interests, who tries to provide for his daughter as advantageously as possible; and one should injure nobody. It is true that these things are no secret; but I shall be telling them to a man who knows nothing about it, and it is forbidden to talk scandal of one's neighbour. All this is true. On the other hand, however, here is a stranger they want to impose upon, who comes in all good faith to marry a girl he knows nothing about, and whom he has never seen. A gentleman all openheartedness, for whom I feel some inclination, who does me the honour of reckoning me his friend, puts his confidence in me, and gives me a ring to keep for his sake. (To Mr. de Pourceaugnac) Yes, I think that I can tell you how things are without wounding my conscience. But I must try to tell it all to you in the mildest way possible, and to spare people as much as I can. If I were to tell you that this girl leads a bad life, it would be going too far. I must find some milder term to explain myself. The word coquette does not come up to the mark; that of downright flirt seems to me to answer the purpose pretty well, and I can make use of it to tell you honestly what she is.

Mr. Pour. They want to make a fool of me then?

Sbri. But it may not be so bad as people think; and after all, there are men who set themselves above such things, and who do not think that their honour depends upon…

Mr. Pour. I am your servant; I have no wish to adorn my person with such a head-dress, and the Pourceaugnacs are accustomed to walk with their heads free.

Sbri. Here is the father.

Mr. Pour. Who? this old man?

Sbri. Yes. Allow me to withdraw.

SCENE V. – ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC

Mr. Pour. Good morning, Sir; good morning.

Oro. Your servant, Sir; your servant.

Mr. Pour. You are Mr. Oronte; are you not?

Oro. Yes.

Mr. Pour. And I, Mr. de Pourceaugnac.

Oro. Ah, indeed!

Mr. Pour. Do you think, Mr. Oronte, that the people of Limoges are fools?

Oro. Do you think, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that the people of Paris are asses?

Mr. Pour. Do you imagine, Mr. Oronte, that a man like me can be dying for a wife?

Oro. Do you imagine, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that a daughter like mine can be dying for a husband?

SCENE VI. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, JULIA, ORONTE

Jul. I have just been told, father, that Mr. de Pourceaugnac has come. Ah, there he is, no doubt; my heart tells me so. How handsome he is! How splendidly he holds himself. How pleased I am to have such a husband!11 Give me leave to kiss him and to show him…

Oro. Softly, daughter, softly.

Mr. Pour. (aside). Heyday! At what a pace she goes, and how she takes fire!

Oro. I should very much like to know, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, for what reason you …

Jul. (approaches Mr. de Pourceaugnac, looks at him with a languishing look, and tries to take his hand). How pleased I am to see you! And how impatient I am to …

Oro. Hey! daughter, go away; will you?

Mr. Pour. (aside). What a free and easy young damsel!

Oro. I should like to know what made you have the boldness to… (Julia continues as above.)

Mr. Pour. (aside). By Jove!

Oro. (to Julia). Again! What do you mean?

Jul. May I not kiss the husband you have chosen for me?

Oro. No; go in.

Jul. Allow me to look at him.

Oro. Go in, I tell you.

Jul. I should like to stop here, if you please.

Oro. I will not suffer it. If you do not go in immediately, I …

Jul. Very well then, I will go in.

Oro. My daughter is a foolish girl who does not understand things.

Mr. Pour. (aside). How taken she is with me!

Oro. ( to Julia, who has stopped). You won't go.

Jul. When will yon marry me to this gentleman?

Oro. Never. You are not intended for him.

Jul. I will have him, I will have him; you promised him to me.

Oro. If I promised him to you, I take my promise back again.

Mr. Pour. (aside). She would fain eat me.

Jul. Do what you will, we will be married in spite of everybody.

Oro. I shall know how to prevent it, I forewarn you. What madness has taken hold of her?

SCENE VII. – ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC

Mr. Pour. I say, our intended father-in-law, don't give yourself so much trouble; I have no intention of running away with your daughter; and your pretence won't take at all.