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XIII
Svetlana was still very weak but she decided to go outside: it was necessary to go to the store to get some food. She was getting ready for a long time, listening to her husband’s objections, but she was tired of staying at home. It was not difficult to get down the steps, but the head was spinning a little. “Probably it is from overworking, – she thought. Walking down the street, Svetlana felt totally different from the change of the environment: much more peaceful and free. She stopped near her porch, breathing slowly, getting used to the cold air and calming down the dizziness. It was strange to look at the surrounding and see the road, benches, trees, blue sky and clear white snow, which was still everywhere and crunched under feet. Svetlana was totally calm. Before, when she did not like someone’s actions, words, or even the weather, she felt frustrated and was loosing control. Nothing seemed to go right so she started to raise voice and yell. She suffered from that, not understanding what is wrong with her. These negative emotions, anxiety, and inner suffering combine together, growing stronger with every new incident. There is no energy for fighting them and no way to change the situation. Svetlana used to get intimidated and say: "This is it! I can’t live like that any more!" No one could hear her words and help her. She could not help herself either, or may be simply did not want to do it. She agreed to that and decided that things would never change at that moment, standing near a porch, Svetlana thought that her problems were insignificant, even though not long ago they meant a world to her. It was clear to her that all sufferings, disappointing her so much, were taking place because of her own insecurity. Instead of telling her husband about her wish to have another child and spending ten minutes for this conversation, she spent ten years for torturing herself! Every moment, remembering her wish, she suffered and blamed her husband. Emotions were raging so much, that it was hard to stay still and be in control.
Only Maxim’s love created some relief. However, the more she was falling in love with him, the more she realized that they could not be together. He will leave her life forever very soon. This thought created a strange impact on her: all the feelings that she had started to grow stronger. At those moments it seemed that she was constantly under control of different emotions and her behaviour was changing every ten minutes. That was really strange and she did not know what to think of that. What she saw and observed made her think, that may be she was not just concerned with something. May be she was mentally ill. That was a very scary idea. It was clear that all the disturbing events combined, and their strength reached the highest level. It could not continue like that any more. Some force, invisible and unknown, opposed to the situation. Could the car accident happen because of that and take the dream away? Svetlana realized at that moment how many things in life she was missing. Instead of setting herself free from the chains she created with her own hands, she could not find strength to be in control. Yes, she was wrong, but that does not mean she can leave her mistake without attention. Is that love that is giving her the answers? Is it love that is giving her direction? Svetlana answered that question rather univocally: «No»! However, it seemed that it was love that was giving her the power. Could it be that someone that you adore actually does not care for you much? In this case the feeling is leaving to nowhere, instead of coming back one hundred times stronger. That means… She did not want to make any conclusions. Yes, she felt something, but could it be what she was thinking of, if it brought only misery and pain? At that moment, analyzing the situation, Svetlana finished the phrase with difficulty: «Maxim… loves… me».
That was the first time when she could speak it out openly, not acting against conscience. Now it is necessary to get used to this thought in heart, enjoy it every moment that she has. She should not push the love away, being scared of the wrench of saying goodbye, heartache or publicity. When the person is in love, if he does not reveal the feelings to others, sooner or later it will become obvious anyhow. So what is the reason for all these fears?
Slowly and carefully Svetlana stepped on the clear white snow which fell out at night or at the early morning. Seeing its purity, she understood that from that time on her soul would also be clean and white. Everything which tortured her had left beyond retrieve. Every following step will leave unforgettable trait in her soul, like on the snow, and it won’t be possible to correct it. This thought made her stop, look back and count the steps. She saw twelve. «That is so strange, why there are twelve steps? Is that a sign»? – Svetlana thought and unconsciously made another step. Thirteen! She was petrified: twelve could mean another year! Thirteen – one more month after the car accident. God! It has been exactly one month! That means, that something will happen in exactly one year and one month…” Analyzing this, Svetlana almost reached the store, greeting people she knew along the way. They were stopping, trying to talk to her, but she kept on walking. Svetlana tried not to think of what could happen after a year. She had a good premonition, so she decided to get ready for the positive event, live a new life, enjoying love which warmed her up and gave her strength to change a world around. Svetlana let her thoughts go, making a decision to stay in the world of her fantasies in order to understand herself better. She should have the opportunity to help people around her. That means, she needs to live in two worlds at the same time. “Svetlana, you should not be surprised!” – She said to herself, opening the doors of the store. Then she ran into the man so unexpectedly, that he even dropped his bag. Instead of getting angry, she apologized:
– I am so sorry! I was all in my world!
– No, it is me who needs to apologize! – Svetlana was surprised.
He picked up the products which he dropped, and then dropped them one more time.
– It is so uncomfortable… I would have helped you, but I am not supposed to bend.
– What happened? Unless it is a secret, of course.
– It’s one month since I had a surgery.
– Oh, I suppose you should not be lifting anything heavy. I assume to come to the store to get food?
– Yes, you are correct.
– Since we have met, let me help you to bring them home. Do me a favor and let me give you assistance.
Svetlana said herself again: “Don’t be surprised!” She did not know why she answered:
I would be delighted to accept your offer, but you have enough things to carry yourself. Plus, I am sure you are being waited for at home.
The man started to think, and she noticed that when he suggested help he did not even ask her name.
I got an idea! You can wait for me for about ten minutes, I will bring the groceries home. Then we can shop for what you need and I’ll help you to bring your bags home, ok?
Listening to him, Svetlana did not even know what do say. She became confused, astonished by such attention and care from the stranger. Svetlana made a conclusion, that he is a regular person, just like everyone else; she just never noticed anything before. “May be all people are attentive and caring? Or may be some of them? – Svetlana thought. – All these years I did not see the care. I am not used to such treatment. And now it happened to me".
– Ok, I’ go. Please wait for me, ok?
He walked away fast, and Svetlana thought, looking at him “What if he does not come back?!”. Then the stranger turned around the corner, everything inside went down. She could not understand what was wrong with her again. She was worried, as if she had lost something very precious. To stop anxiety, which overwhelmed her so suddenly, Svetlana caught breath, stood still for some time and entered the store. She looked at the shelves with devastation and was making purchases. She realized that she got two bags of groceries. How is she going to bring them home if she does not get help? Fifteen minutes had passed, but the man was absent. Svetlana left the store and was walking slowly and carefully towards her house. She felt someone touching her elbow and she stopped.
– I got here, and you are leaving.
– Oh, I thought that you changed your mind about coming to help.
– No, no! How could I promise something to such a woman and then not keep a promise?! It is not what a real man would do!
The expression “real man” was frustrating to Svetlana. It seemed that men say it to women to show that women are incapable of doing things; that men can do everything, and women – nothing. She decided that if the person was underestimated he would have a lot of achievements in life. This is where the strength is! If the person disappoints oneself and other people it is something very bad, even dumb to do to yourself.
– What do you mean by a “real man?” – she still asked.
– If you promised something, keep your word; if you can’t make it, don’t give promises. This expression is applicable to women too, but traditionally it goes with the word “man”. The question who is the man and who is the woman comes up automatically, as well as what is the difference between these words. The answer is not complicated here either.
– So how should the women express themselves? Should we admit our weakness? Cry constantly and ask for help? Not know how to survive without a man?
– You got it all wrong. Every man is trying to make a woman strong and independent. He wants her to be a proud personality, not a weak and helpless one. Some men don’t even have it themselves – they are weak spiritually and welter in vice.
– So what is love then? – Svetlana asked near the porch, not being able to keep this question inside.
– Probably, no one can answer that question. I believe that it is the most wonderful and superior feeling. You are free from all chains and reaching perfection. You can feel people from the inside, see them through and know what worries them, what tortures them, creates an obstacle to reach this light sensation. At that moment you can give them what they need, and it is absolutely unimportant what it is. That is done to set them free and let them find the path to the light you have. Tortures and concerns will be gone; they will be positive that they are on the right path. When the person enters this road, everything is clear and transparent, and he will be able to help others with confidence. Such person feels himself perfect, mostly spiritually, of course, but still keeps asking the same question: “What is love?” However, at this point it is difficult to determine why he is asking it. Either he did not understand that feeling completely, or it passed him by unnoticed.
XIV
Only one week is left before the gypsum will be taken off. Max felt himself much better: he started to read more and studied even more then it was required from the school program… However, he was still weak, so he decided to follow a day regime: go to bed at ten pm and wake up at eight am. Sitting on the bed, he completed exercises, then he took his crutch and limped to the tourniquet. Only after a week of intensive work-out he could chin up five times and do ten push ups. Even thought the head was spinning, he kept of working, squeezing teeth and overcoming weakness and pain. Yes, it was very challenging; he had to have rest each time for about an hour, so he was taking a nap. Maxim was also reading a lot, not letting tiredness win him over. All that was draining him out but he felt how energy was coming back. He is getting stronger with each day and thoughts become clearer. Max realized that independent study brings a much better result. He can achieve his small, but very difficult goal without any assistance. Then he was making another goal, more complicated one, and everything started all over again. Task was time-consuming and laborious, hard, but necessary, and most importantly – giving a result. Maxim’s main goal was to have a result. At first a result could be small, but very soon it will let him achieve a long hoped aim. Working on yourself, Maxim understood that he is getting stronger physically, mentally and spiritually. Every time when he had a little victory, he understood better what was possible for him to do. He did what he could do, and leaned to do what he couldn’t, and as a result it was also done. He started to believe in himself. Plans broadened and became more complex, faith in his abilities grew stronger. He knew that he could achieve much better then he thought previously.
Max accessed the problem of love closer and started to feel it deeper, seeing its purity and chastity. He realized that he lacked knowledge in psychology, parapsychology and even psychotherapy. He was planning to study these subjects in order to determine how the human being is being affected by emotions and what causes emotions. How are words and actions connected with emotions? How can a person control feelings and emotions, how can he affect people with them invisibly? There was one question that had Maxim’s priority interest: how to control person’s feelings let them grow to the maximum and tightly reach a person’s problem, like the heart? To feel the essence of the loved woman: her breath, her heart beat, her actions, thoughts, words – absolutely everything! He wanted to perceive a psychological problem by himself and to take a decision, when, where and under which circumstances it is necessary to act to eliminate that problem and let love move to the right direction.
Every day and every hour made it more clearly for Max that he needed to have a child from the woman he loved. It is necessary to concentrate all strength of their love in one moment, all strength of Svetlana’s previous pain for creating a strong psychological pressure on her. Everything that bothered her for ten years and lead to the car acceded, everything that became an obstacle for achievement of her dream. Maxim was tortured by the thought that Svetlana became reconciled with inevitability and was making the goal even more difficult to achieve. He was looking for a connection between him and Svetlana, and the only thing that he could find was love. Max understood that his feelings consolidated in him long time ago, and it is getting stronger and more spiritual. That means that with assistance of that power it is possible to reach even the most impossible! He has been wondering many times about the reasons why Svetlana loves him. When he started to study psychology he realized, that she saw purity and chastity in him, just like he saw it at the New Year night. That means that she already loves him greatly. The main questing is how to control the situation and create conditions much stronger then a car accident?
Maxim moved abruptly and got burned with hot tea again, but did not even feel the pain. His heart contracted. He stopped breathing and held to the wall to get himself together. He thought that his heart would jump out of the chest after he had realized what he needed to do. All of the sudden his tired brain produced the answer to the most difficult question! These thoughts were a result of the long and laborious mental work. They were supposed to calm him down; however, they almost made him loose consciousness. After catching up breath, Max covered his face with hands and could not believe in what he would have to do. He should be able to realize it right away! He needs to become a better person. Svetlana needs to see his best qualities to believe in their feelings and become completely dissolved in it! This should be her life credo. She won’t be able to live without it. Svetlana needs to reach apogee of her feelings with his help, while Maxim needs to destroy the strength of all efforts, feelings and everything else in one moment. Specifically, in one moment! On top of that, this moment must affect Svetlana psychologically more, then the car accident did. In this case, she will be able to have a child from her husband, and her love won’t be gone like her dream to have a baby and happiness once did. It is necessary to guide love in the necessary direction, so that Svetlana would love her husband, her son and a future baby! It’s not important, weather it will be a boy or a girl. It is necessary for everything to go according to the plan. After this important moment, which holds the essence of the plan, Max must disappear from her life, but where and how he does not know yet. Love will fade with time. If he does not disappear right away, then all his efforts would turn into the waste of time: there won’t be a baby and happiness! Maxim was analyzing his new role. He was not surprised that thoughts were flying in his head very fast. This is why he understood that he had very little time for his plan. To disappear does not mean to leave. It means to set yourself free from love to Svetlana; not now, and not later, but at the time of the important moment.
How to let his love go? A tear ran down Max’s cheek, but he wiped it off and said seriously: “You are responsible for a very valuable task. I must do what I have to, and not what I want to! Think, think one more time and don’t nag!” He realized that he would have to make sacrifices. He needs to let his love go; no matter how hard it is to do; it must be done. Getting all the remaining energies, Maxim made the last decision: “I will give you everything that I have, Svetlana. Let the God help you to accept my love and do the right things with it. Don’t carry this burden, give it to your husband-you love him too. He will love you even more after that. Then you will have the complete and real harmony of love in all of its forms and will forget me in one moment. That will be a reward for my efforts and the motivation for new accomplishments…”
Max started to have thoughts that it is necessary to complicate his task Why? He always had the same answer to this question: “Then it will be easier to understand the responsibility and unreality of the assignment”. Many people thought that his answer was a joke; the others simply did not understand him. However, it did not affect Max, his decisions, and obviously not his actions. He could always achieve the necessary result, adding something else to the main goal. When he realized his goal completely, he felt sad. Max did not want to disappear and turn into the myth… He decided to spend one year for his mission. Then he would transfer to a different, unfamiliar school to let Svetlana and every one know his intentions. He wanted everyone to understand his courage and what it his decision costed him. He wanted the whole world to realize something new: a border between realistic and impossible, unmanageable and tangible. That a fifteen-year-old boy could create unachievable: ideal family, a baby and unlimited happiness. The cost is giving his life as a sacrifice and rejecting love and everything what is connected with it. He will grant love and family happiness, exterminate all problems and severities. He will open people’s eyes to see the real world, so that they could enjoy happy moments without thinking negatively. Max made a decision that he will do everything possible in order for the plan to work ideally. He will do something that people dream to accomplish, but make mistakes and choose wrong paths. They befoul themselves and can’t reach virginal purity, get confused by their own words, thoughts and actions. People forget verity, hide from it, don’t trust each other, suspect, envy, get jealous – do things that don’t worth the time. When the grandiose bestowal of love and family happiness stay and knock on the door, they hide away in horror. More then likely, people are afraid to experience this unexceptionable feeling because it will make them feel so feeble and worthless, that this feeling will destroy their world.
It was extremely difficult for Maxim to realize that for the happiness of other people he needs to make sacrifices. Even the thought to decline the plan passed his mind. However, Max was not used to be weak. Moreover, how can the happiness of his beloved woman and her family compare to the pathetic pity for himself? There is nothing to think about! On top of that he understood that he will only feel fortunate when Svetlana finds her family happiness with his help. Her baby will be born from his psychological efforts and not from the physical love. Of course, Maxim did not deny this love and thought that other people can misunderstand and besmirch his mission with malign thoughts. However, later, when the result will be obvious people will understand that they were wrong. They will writhe with shame and would not know what to do before Maxim forgives them. Then everyone will say: “Forgive me God!” and everyone will repent. Everyone.
“So, – Maxim said to himself, – mission is possible! Good luck! God, bless my way of truth and light! Act through me, since I am your bondman on earth. I’ll come to you through your Son, pure and chaste. I’ll be faithful to your words. So let it happen!”
XV
– Hello, mom!
Nikita ran to Svetlana and gave her a hug. She even dropped her bags when she saw him.
– Hey there, sweetie! You can’t imagine how happy I am to see you home!
– I decided to surprise you and showed up all of the sudden! I missed you, mom.
Svetlana was kissing and hugging her son, holding him tight. They were crying.
– Svetlana, what are you doing at the door? Come in, get changed…
Her husband got quite when he saw bags full of groceries. He was concerned for her because she was not supposed to carry anything heavy…
– Nikita, let mom change, she is hot already. You can help me to take care of the groceries in the mean while.
– Of course.
Taking bags, Vadim and Nikita went to the kitchen, while Svetlana, taking off clothing in the corridor, experienced a strange feeling of strength. Her husband did not say a word when he saw the bags, – it was already good. That means he is also working on himself and not just feels sorry for her. She liked that, but decided not to think of it too much. It is the way it should be – period.
– Svetlana! Where are you?!
– I am on my way! Are you done?
– I think it is a perfect time for dinner? What is your opinion?
– I am all for it! Do you have a surprise for me?
Entering the kitchen, Svetlana saw a decorated set-out table. Son presented her with a bouquet of flowers while her husband hugged her tenderly like never before, saying,
– Of course, dear, it is all for you.
– Congratulations, mom! We love you!
– I love you too, my dear! Thank you so much! Happy New Year one more time! Merry Christmas! – Svetlana stood up, raising a glass with champagne, and continued:
– I want to wish you, my dear, and all the best. I want us to be together all the time, give love to each other. I want our family to become friendlier and stronger time. I want it to grow…
From the side it looked as if she did not finish her speech. She drank her champagne down and put the glass on the table. Shutting her eyes, she had a bite of lemon, standing up still for a moment, trying to fight the effect of alcohol, and then sat down on the chair.
– Mom! I have another present for you! It is under the New Year tree. Do you want me to bring it?
– Please don’t. I would rather get it myself as on the New Year. You won’t be offended, dear?
– No. It is your gift! I will only be glad if you get it in the evening. Then it would be as if we celebrate New Year together! Am I right, dad?
– Do you mean that your present would be next to moms?!
– It is still there! I haven’t looked at it yet. And put moms next to it!
– Really, son? – Svetlana was surprised. Usually children pay attention at presents first, and then notice everything else…
– Dad, I forgot to tell you, I have a present for you as well. So there are three presents under the tree! Happy New Year! I love you very much! It is great, that we are together.
– Svetlana, we got a wonderful son!
– Yes, Vadim, I know. When he grows up, he will be smart and strong. All the girls will like him, right Nikita?
– They like me already; – son became shy.
– Do you like them?
– I don’t know yet. I haven’t thought about it. I love you, mom. And you, dad. And grandma. This is it, probably.
Svetlana was looking at her boy, so healthy, attractive, smart and mature. The expression of his dark blue eyes was very serious, as thought he was a grown up person already and not a little boy. The only thing that he lacked was confidence, support from the outside, may be attention. She was admired by his attractive face and dark hair. She liked that Nikita does not have childish haircut, just like he does not have childish actions. “He is a lot like Vadim, – Svetlana thought. – From me he has unlimited energy, desire to move forward and some femininity. That unites us!” She looked at her husband, son and herself and saw how in one person two other can live. Nikita inherited all their qualities, so Svetlana was concerned if he also inherited their fears and doubts.
– Mom, I always wanted to ask you, what is your biggest fear?? “Here is your answer!” – Svetlana thought and answered:
– To loose you, baby!
Vadim looked at his wife attentively and realized at that moment how much he loved her. It was hard to understand what was happening inside of her: weather she was suffering or gave up on her dream. «No! – he said himself. – My wife is a strong person; she will be fine. I’ll try to help her! I should not be thinking about all that so much»!
– How to understand your answer?
Nikita was ready to hear something new and was looking at his mom with attention.
– It means to know and to feel, that the person is near you, but he does not love you any more. Do you understand me?
– Not really. I don’t think I ever experienced that.
– It is better not to have this experience at all, son. To understand this, you need a lot of will and strength. No matter what will happen to you, you’ll know that this can happen.
– So how is that applicable in life?! Explain more specifically, please.
– What do you need all this for, son!? – said the father, turning off the TV volume.
– I don’t want this to happen to me. Mom says that it is bad.
– It is not just bad; it is something unavoidable – it happens to everyone. There are moments in life when you realize that what you crave the most is impossible to get. It is so important to you, that it seems that life has no meaning without it. However, it is necessary to accept the situation. At first it will be very hard, but a human being can get used to everything.
– It is clearer now! What is your opinion, mom?
– I think exactly the same, son. We all agree because this is exactly how life is.
They had this conversation with easily, as thought they were all adults. It was clear to parents, that his son notice and understands everything even more, then it is necessary for his age. Weather it is good or not is unknown. No matter what they think, it does not change the situation. Svetlana and Vadim made their son as happy as they could, this is why they felt carefree and easy, trying not to think, that he will grow up soon and leave their lives. Vadim, giving explanations to his son, was clarifying things more to himself then to the son. He was preparing himself to unavoidable and when he meant “people”, he meant himself and Svetlana. Looking at his wife, he could see that she understood his words. Nikita will understand everything with time.
– Let’s play some games, – Svetlana suggested.
– What do you want to play, mom?
– We are going to play your favorite game, Nikita.
– My favorite game is soccer, daddy knows that. We used to play all weekends long, do you remember?
– Why do you like soccer so much? Is it such an interesting game?
– Of course it is interesting, mom! You play it in a team, just like you play basketball or volleyball.
– What do you feel, when you play in the team?
– Friendship, understanding of the fact that you are not alone. It gives you confidence and strength. Sometimes you have difficult situations and then your friends help you out. It is easy to determine, who is weaker then you, and you need to help this person…
– Is it hard or easy to play soccer? What do you think?
Svetlana liked to have serious discussions with her son. It seemed to her, that she can predict when her son would be right and when not. She tried to explain him, that it reality things are more complex then they seem to him.
– It is easy to play with your friends and when you can feel support; – Nikita answered so assuredly, that it made Svetlana worry.
