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«More then likely those dreams are connected, the key is to understand them completely», – Maxim thought.
– Roma, have you been to school yesterday?
– Yes, Svetlana Victorovna took a sick leave.
– Recently? – Maxim felt tingling in his body.
– She hasn’t been at school for two weeks so far and all of her classes are cancelled.
Roman kept on talking but Maxim thought of Svetlana Victorovna. He has loved her for many years, but that love has not given her any benefits. Hmm, what kind of benefits can it offer to the married woman? How is the baby crib connected with it? Could it be the answer? Maxim had a feeling that love is growing stronger and stronger and realized that only Svetlana Victorovna has the ability to love like that. He tried to imagine where she was at the moment and what she was thinking about. Should he be thinking about it now?
Do you listen to me? I have a feeling that I am talking to myself and you belong to your world.
Max didn’t hear his friend again. He apprehended that at that specific moment, weak and sick, not ready for anything, he had to accept that overwhelming responsibility. Max suddenly acknowledged that he ought to help his beloved woman to have a child. He was experiencing extreme headache and heart burn and felt so bad, that every part of his body was in pain and the scenery in front of eyes drifted. To lessen his suffering at least a little, he closed his eyes but could still see the car accident. Seeing the intensity of Svetlana’s mysery, Max understood the reason which led to car crash. At the moment of the crash Svetlana realized her powerlessness, and it took advance of her openness and weakness, causing her a massive psychological trauma… With the rest of the energies left he thought: «What can I do? I am only a little boy to her»! – he fell on the pillow, not being able to sit any more. He felt better when Roma took his hand. Maxim asked him:
– How are your studies going?
– You know the answer already, Max. Why are you asking?
– Don’t worry, not because I have nothing else to do. You know everything yourself.
– See, they don’t want me to leave school.
– So stop fighting with them. Just go and study. They will understand with time. No need to procrastinate.
– But how? I don’t even know what they want: to finish eleventh grade or go to college. They impede me to take a decision, confusing me which path to take. I start doubting the rightness of the taken decision and don’t know weather it is mine or theirs. We can’t stop the time, Max, everything happens by itself – and not for good. Everyone understands it and get scared. Uncertainty is taking control over me, and I am being made to do things that don’t depend on me. Maxim, do something! I know you can!
– Roman, what can I do? I can predict that you will drop out of school and will start college; but you will drop it as well and won’t even have a hight school diploma! Do you understand me?! What do you want me to do and with whom? With you or with your parents? Explain me please; what do you want me to do? Turn the time around? You know that I have had many conversations with your mom but they led to nowhere. She asked me to talk to you about staying in school. I told her exactly the same things as I told you. But she hasn’t gathered herself together, and you can’t get strengths back for the concrete actions.
– So what do you want to advise me, my friend?
– Either do a good job at school or then to college or finish the tenth grade and then go to college. Figure out a relationship with parents yourself, you are an adult so stop being a baby. What do you think?
– I have already tried that but it did not seem to work.
– Then just stay in school! What else is there to discuss?! You see everything yourself. What are you thinking about?! Don’t make me get cynical.
– I just can’t study at school anymore, I can’t even go there, why is that so hard to understand!
– Romka, with this attitude you will drop out of college as well! You want to know why? For the whole year they have the high school program but you don’t want to study it! The problem is in you, and only you can organize yourself and improve the situation. Neither me, nor your parents can help you. We will only bother you and make you feel confused. I don’t want to do it; can you understand? I am talking to you now, and everything you think of is where to go tomorrow to skip classes!
– How do you know what is on my mind?
– I just know, Roma.
Max felt strong weakness which did not let him finish his speech and thought: «There is no need to explain Roman how I know things. Absolutely not necessary».
– I want to go to sleep, I am so tired. Wake me up at six pm, ok?
Maxim hasn’t heard Roman’s reply; energies left him and he drowned in sleep. He saw a dream about some girl who was walking fast to the house porch where he was standing. With the abrupt movement she unzipped his jacket. Not having time to understand what was happening, Max saw her pushing a bouquet of peonies, presented by him, into his bosom. Then she left without saying a single word after closing a jacket zipper…
VII
Svetlana Vladimirovna became very thirsty, when she heard on the phone that Shtuforuk Maxim – her precious love – is staying at home with the foot broken and can’t even go to school. Teachers attend him for home education according to the schedule made by the principle, and she is included in that schedule. She suffered from the thought that she could not visit him because she herself recently got discharged from the hospital and would have to stay home in bed for a while. However, he has no clue what she went through and will run into conclusion that she simply does not want to visit him.
– How long is he absent?
– Over two weeks, – school secretary Nina Ivanovna replied.
– How many times per week am I supposed to visit him?
– Just twice.
When she heard it, Svetlana became upset: there was a chance to see him twice but she won’t be able to make it…
– Svetlana Victorovna, please don’t worry. He is a smart boy and would be able to catch up by himself. What do you think? You can call him up and give him homework to check later. There is no reason to stress.
– Of course, I shall do as you advise, thank you. Good-bye. I shall call you again.
Sveta tried to hang up the phone a couple of times, but ended up leaving it on the table. She went to the kitchen, but instead of having water started a tea pot. Against doctor’s advice, she lighted up a cigarette. Nervously letting the steam out, she remembered the night before the car accident – every single moment of it, opening eyes sometimes only to flip the cigarette ash. She received pleasure from experiencing a feeling which was torturing her for so long that night. Svetlana perceived, not seemed but exactly perceived that she looks at situation and experiencing it totally differently. She enjoys it now. Lighting another cigarette, she clearly noticed a border in her changed feelings. She used to be under the influence of her emotions and could not control them, getting confused in words and actions. At this moment, however, she could easily be in charge and apparently understand every step she was taking. Only one obscurity confused her: what was the reason for all that negative experience? Sveta felt that the answer is somewhere very close, but she would not be able to find it by herself. She did not want to leave with this idea but at the same time believed that it happened for good and it would become clearer soon: «There was a reason why I had a dream about school». Svetlana felt awkward and unusual when she thought about school. She jerked her hand, burnt by the cigarette, dropped the ashtray on the floor and remembered Maxim. «Very surprising»! – She thought, collecting ashes from the floor. Sveta recalled their first class: good-looking boy, hearing his name, said «This is me» and stood up, and when she looked at him she totally forgot that she is giving a class… The teacher saw something pure and innocent, something that touched her soul – not just touched but remained there. She could not take eyes of him; she was searching exactly for someone like him, dreaming of him…
Sveta saw something light and unperturbed in his soul: strength and independence – the same qualities that she possessed. She said to herself: «It is strange that a little boy has such an influence on me. How can it be»? But she could never find an answer to that. Every time Svetlana tremulously waited for him to attend a class, always looked at him only and became captivated by his sight. She saw very strong feelings and could not do much with hers; everything that was left for her is to enjoy his presence and grant him what she felt deeply. She knew that Maxim understands her completely and it seemed as thought he knew her very well. Despite her age, she treated him like a close and loved person, not being able to control herself. She loved him like a man of her dreams. May be it took place because it seemed to her that his sincere love represented a love of a man to a woman. Every time, when Sveta saw Max, her soul was crying for their age difference and that she couldn’t turn the time back. Love could not bring them closer any longer. She felt disappointed but told herself calmly: «I need to call him today and give homework. Oh, and also to find out when he will be back to school». Sveta became excited and thought that Maxim could read her mind. She caught herself thinking that she enjoys this idea! She enjoys understanding from Maxim’s side, a feeling that he is always near her. Of course, she wished him to be near in reality and that unrealistic dreams did not let her relax. She suffered from the lack of opportunity to enjoy the feeling totally. Time was letting know about the grand difference between them when they were together. Svetlana tried to take a control many times and not let her feelings grow, or vice versa let them overwhelm her. However, none of the strategies worked. Unusual thoughts visited her head: «Could that be a purpose of my life? To understand this feeling, just like it is! Then why is he so much younger? Is that possible to perceive the power of love when you see another person each day»? She always answered negatively to the last question.
Svetlana looked at the phone for a long time before she picked it up. She was thinking of what to tell Maxim, but not being able to make up anything, she dialed the number.
– Hello!
«It is his mom probably», – thought the teacher.
– Hello, this is Svetlana Victorovna. Can I talk to Maxim?
– Yes of course, please hold on, it will be a white till he gets to the phone…
– Oh, ok, I’ll wait!
She was getting anxious, but tried to get herself together.
– Hello I am listening; – confidence in Max voice helped her.
Sveta remained quiet, confused in thoughts and feelings.
– Maxim! This is Svetlana Victorovna calling. How are you feeling? – «Dear», – Max finished her phrase and replied:
– At this point I feel ok but I have to wear gypsum for a while. Then I’ll need to learn how to walk again, because foot muscles would become weak after two months. This is how I am doing. How are you doing? I feel nervousness in your voice.
– I am better, but still recovering. Do teachers give you classes at home?
– Yes. In algebra and chemistry. I was also told that you would be coming over too.
It was very difficult for her to reply but since she had no choice, she tried not to worry and replied:
– Maxim, I am very sorry but I won’t be able to visit you. I wish I could, but I haven’t felt great myself and missed over three weeks at work. Really, I want to give you home classes but I can’t. My apologies.
– I am sorry about that. I wanted to see you! When will we see each other?
– I can give you homework for now and check it when you back to school.
– Ok, I understand. I will keep doing exercises from the book then and do some literature reading. Classmates visit me so they will inform me of the program and help if that would be needed.
– Ok, Maxim, get well! Take care.
– I’ll miss you, – Max added and hang up, not being able to play with feelings of his beloved one.
Svetlana heard the phone tones for a while till they became irritating. She felt anxiety again and got angry at herself for not saying anything warm to Maxim, even thought she had a lot to say. Svetlana tried to get herself together again and remembered that after the surgery she needs to stay in bed. What is the point to torture yourself when you are so weak? Lying at the couch, she had another cigarette, turned on the quite music and tried to breathe evenly. She felt how her heartbeat and breath are getting normal. Svetlana put away unfinished cigarette, watching it producing smoke, and then felt the weakness in the body and later freedom from it.
VIII
– What did she want, Maxim? What did she ask? Maxim! Do you listen to me?! – Valentina Nikolaevna tried to reach out to her son. She was watching his rapidly changing mimics with surprise and couldn’t believe how fast his mood and face can alter. She became concerned that he was silent and didn’t move. “What should I do?!” – She was worried, and after looking at herself in the mirror started to worry even more. All of the sudden Valentina Nikolaevna realized that if her son remained still and silent, she wouldn’t be able to contain herself and would blow up. She came close to him, touched by the shoulder and asked: – Maximochka, what is wrong dear?
Instead of giving an answer, Maxim looked in the mirror at himself and his mom and understood the reason of her fear. Leaning on the self-made crutch, he left for his room without saying a word. He was walking down the hall slowly, fighting pain and dizziness, holding to the walls sometimes and taking breaks when dizziness was getting worse. Valentina watched him with astonishment and she had a feeling that she was watching his whole life passing by. Just like that, despite all hardships and difficulties, her son would be overcoming all life problems. With hard effort but so confidently, oh God! He would be able to achieve everything! Valentina Nikolaevna, with horror in eyes and pain in the heart suddenly understood that her son – almost mature man, and very soon she would lose him from life. He became dissolved in the adult life which would swallow him, just like her and the rest of people. Mother felt uncomfortable-she realized that everything started with that phone call and started to cry soundlessly, so that Maxim would not hear from his room. She felt down and tears were shedding even more. Very disappointed, she went to the bathroom and washed with cold water. Looking at herself in the mirror, Valentina Nikolaevna said to herself: «Why am I being stupid and keep on crying? I need to be glad for my son! Help him out. Gosh, what is going on with me? Why is it affecting me so strongly? What is happening»? Cold water made her calm down, so when she left the bathroom she proceeded to Maxim’s room.
After turning off the music and closing algebra book, mother sat next to her son. Putting away pen and notebook, Max looked at the mother sitting near and noticed by her reddish face that she was crying and worried about him. He always felt bad when the most precious person in his life – his mom – is suffering so much because of him. He was getting frustrated with himself involuntary for giving even a little reason for concerns. He always tried to avoid it and be an adult. It was the right thing to do, but that was something that was scaring his mother. Maxim thought that she was afraid to loose him because he was growing up. However, if he started to act childishly she was becoming irritated: she started to yell at him, showing her disapproval and reminded that she considered him an adult and not the little kid. Maxim had no idea how to deal with the situation. However, he knew that the best thing was to ask his mother weather to take a certain action or not. When he was telling something to his mom, she always put herself in the situation and was not interested or cared for situation. When something was very important for Max, mother thought that it was absolutely not necessary for him. He tried to tell it to his mom all the time but she didn’t understand. At those moments it seemed that she does not try to understand him, or (more then likely) just can’t. He assumed that she loved him very much, more then he loves her, if that could be possible. Every time when Max talked to her he tried to think of something insignificant or to discuss topics that were important to her. He tried to talk of those things easily and acceptably, as if he let know that everything connected with her was interesting. Son felt that they both can’t feel relaxed when spending time together. He could feel his mother’s worries and did not know how to start a dialog: her inner concerns reached him and he could not fight them.
– I was informed that the teacher won’t be able to visit me. I need to learn everything by myself and when I am back to school she would check all my assignments.
Max was looking at his mom and it seemed that she didn’t hear him, thinking about her own problems.
– What is the reason she can’t visit you?
– She does not feel good and missed three weeks at school.
– I see. Why did she call then if you study at home anyway?
– She wanted to find out how I am feeling. She is concerned.
– As if. She just does not want to waste her time, so told you that she is sick.
– Come on, mom. It is not necessary for her to come over at all, I can manage studies by myself. If she does not want to come over, it is fine. I won’t die from that! It is good that she called, I am glad.
– Did you check the temperature today? Your head is hot. You should go and lay down as the doctor advised.
– I need to catch up on studies and do a lot of readings. I am bored of staying in bed.
– Do your readings in bed. You are so weak, Maximka. You were weak after the surgery, and then broke a bone…
Mother started to cry again, hugging him, and he felt very guilty and upset because of his weakness and her sufferings, so that he could not continue sitting anymore and said:
– Mom, let me lay down, I don’t feel good.
Holding tears, she helped Maxim to lie down and left the room, leaving him alone. He was trying to fight dizziness again, which handicapped his thinking just like the gypsum – his ability to walk. Weakness was draining him out so much, that he felt as thought he had no strength for any action. It is not known for how long he would have to stay in bed. Max understood that he won’t feel better, vice versa, something is disturbing him, pushing on him. One thing was very clear: he needs to fight hard and not to give up despite all difficulties. There is no need to concentrate attention on the weakness or feelings which confuse him. He must proceed further without taking breaks since procrastination is equal to death.
Maxim was thinking about Svetlana Victorovna and realized right away how hard it was for her to make that phone call, and even more hard to say: «I am sorry, I won’t be able to visit you». He didn’t know how to react to that and what else to do so that those feelings disappear. Does she need them if they bring only suffering and she can’t do anything to change them? «Can I do something with it? – thought Max. – If yes, then the main question is how»? It is not right to bring misery with the feeling, which is supposed to bring happiness and uplift and not to provoke distress. It is necessary to get strengths and do something to make Svetlana happy and receive what she wants so much, so that this something can become a product of love and adoration. «Then she will forget me. Not right away, but slowly and painlessly. People forget very easy, especially good things, – thought Max sadly. – Moreover, Sveta has a family and a son. There must be a way to strengthen her family, otherwise, falling more in love with me, she would destroy it. May be not, but affliction needs to be prevented! So what can I do? Dissecting and analyzing the situation makes it clear that there is a solution: a baby». This sudden thought stroke Max. That has been an answer to all his thinking and concerns; it really was a real and deserving way out of the situation! He realized everything so fast, that his heart, weak at the moment, contracted and made him bend on the bed. For a couple of minutes, he could not breathe and move. Maxim recalled his dream and went through the accident and Svetlana’s life before it. He acknowledged that the reason which led to car crash was the strong desire to have another child. However, after the accident took place because of the psychological reasons Sveta could not have kids anymore. Max felt a little better, he started to breathe harder, as if he had taken a long and laborious run; he was sweating heavily and wanted to drink. He was suffocating from the lack of air. Remembering, that the doctor recommended aerating the room more, Maxim pushed away from the wall and fell on the floor from bed. He could not stand up but the balcony door was very close, so Max opened it a little bit, inhaled fresh air and lost consciousness. He woke up from coldness. After closing the balcony door with the effort, Max climbed to bed and came back to his reasoning. He could not warm up and was frozen even under the blanket, but he felt better and could think clearly.
«That means, – Maxim said to himself making a conclusion, – that I need to help her to have a child»! He got scared from this thought and decided to stop deliberating. Sveta has a husband; all what he has to do is to create a psychological situation which would be different from the one happened during the car crash.
By what means long lasting distress, which led to the miserable condition the beloved woman, could become normalized within a year by him – a small child who does not understand much in life? Moreover, he was trying to learn something himself, take life lessons; his soul was opened to everything good, innocent and pure. Max was not intimidated by anything. It was just that he could not understand – actually believe, that it is possible now, right now find courage and address all energies in that direction… Maxim knew that he could not just sit and wait. He could not let himself give up, leaving his loved woman without a child that she wanted to have for so many years, and dreamed that one day it would be true. It was very hard to recognize that if he gave up and did nothing, then no one would be able to make her happy. Maxim thought that he needed to get well soon, not to overwork or torture himself with unnecessary thinking. The priority is the main goal, since he has taken the main decision: «Svetlana Victorovna will have a baby for sure, and I, little child like everyone believes, shall help her in that! No matter what it will take».
Max decided to get some rest, thanking himself for taking a decision, and promised to figure everything out tomorrow. He had a severe headache and could not think any longer because of the fever. Maxim was bedeviled by his morbid powerlessness, the necessity to stay in bed when he wanted to act! Only one thought which appeared in his tired mind was comforting him. While he is ill, he has time to think everything over till the end, so that when he recovers he will be able to act right away. Moreover, he does not have a concrete plan. Only the necessary result is known. Maxim was trying to calm down and not to pay attention at anything. «No feelings! – he said to himself. – Otherwise they would run me over and I’ll be able to do nothing…»
IX
Sveta perceived herself again in the free flight highly above the earth. For some time, she felt herself unbound and clean from all of her solicitudes. She did not look down, as if she had known that if she looked underneath, then all the problems and troubles would overwhelm again. She would not be able to contain herself and, as usual, with heavy burden in soul and pain in the heart, would be accepting the destiny strikes, hoping that every one of them would be the last one. She wanted everyone else to experience this strength, which lifted her so high and gave freedom from sins. Svetlana tried to control her emotions. She looked at her body. One circumstance was surprising: it is still her, but not her at the same time. She seemed to be gone. She sees herself only as she used to be, and now she is very different: without fear, envy, unnecessary concerns and infamous wishes. Svetlana realized that only by controlling our thinking we can control our actions; if the thoughts are wicked, then the actions are the same. This is how problems arise. Suddenly Sveta started to think about where she was. See sees the earth as if through the window, but not from the airplane or the space craft – there is no space craft here! It does not surprise or worry her and does not even seem frightening. Now, feeling more confident, she looked at the earth from above, but didn’t see it. It was like she was watching her whole life on TV screen and was getting angry from every single mistake that she had done. Watching her wrongful life, Svetlana didn’t know where to run from the shame she experienced. She tried not to look, diverting from the view, but it didn’t seem to work. Then Svetlana started to search for other actions to improve her past, but it didn’t work either.
She realized that past can’t be altered. It is only possible to protect yourself from improper deeds, sufferings and emotions, ones that should be dreaded. Svetlana imagined the whole complexity of this work. She made herself to ask the question: «Will I be able to overcome my pride, mightiness of my ego, or not? Or should I be drowning in that endless chasm?!» Before answering that question, Svetlana thought that upon coming back to earth, she won’t remember what is happening now and will enter the route she has walked on before for many years. She never had a single attempt to walk off that route to work on herself, to overstep the desires and principles, to break the plans, and to act in the unusual way… She was pulled down again and followed by the invisible force, remembering her earthly decision: to start a new life, to ignore seduction and to help others. Within a few moments she understood and went through the periods of life which had brought her a lot of pain. Lying on the couch at home, Svetlana still thought that she was somewhere above and didn’t pay much attention to the surrounding. In her mind she was approaching the earth, but in reality she stood up and went to the kitchen. Svetlana could not think of anything and she had unexplainable feeling that she lived in the world of dreams. She wanted to bring placidity and confidence to this world. At lightning speed, she approached the earth and admitted with horror, that she was leaving all the lucid and pure, and was getting back to wrongful and earthy.
When the decision is taken, it is necessary to begin an arduous struggle with yourself, which is even harder when you are a woman.
Svetlana sighted, dropping ashes on the floor, and painfully landed on the ground. Sitting on the chair, she agitated, sweat covered her forehead, everything inside was turning upside down. She sensed that earthy is winning over all pure and clean in the unfair fight. She could not affect the situation, not seeing on the earth such a clear feeling as existed there, above. She will simply die without it like a fish without water. Not remembering how she ended up on the couch, Svetlana recalled Maxim, being little boy, when she first noticed him in the crowd of the dressed up students on the first of September. They didn’t know each other at all then. First grade student came up to her and silently gave her flowers. Mature woman, used to the flowers and attention from men, was astonished by that present. All years before their next meeting she was surprised by the thoughts of this boy, understanding with horror that she was falling in love with him… She was shocked by the fact that she didn’t know his name, and that he was not much older then her son… She has a totally different love for him then for her son. This love confused Svetlana, didn’t let her live peacefully. She caught herself thinking, that the feeling was not just captivating or enjoyable. Svetlana was overanxiously afraid to confess: her love was very strong, so strong that she didn’t want anything else from this life, other then this insane, clean, virginally sincere love, essential like water, air, snow… All in life is worthless without this feeling. When she pronounced Maxim’s last name, not knowing yet that it was his, Sveta had no premonition.
She even wanted to cry at that moment: he had such eyes! She saw the same feeling in his soul, like in the mirror and realized that she loved him even more insane. At that time, she started to worry about having a child… It was so many years ago, Gosh! Svetlana tried to run away from her thoughts but they didn’t yield. She was scared to tell it to her husband. She imagined that he would suspect something or would understand something; what he was going to understand Svetlana didn’t know. She was scared of that even more, that someone would find out about her feelings, especially her husband. When she was assured by the sincerity, honesty and even sanity of Maxim, she still doubted her strengths. Then, finding courage, under control of that fear she could not control herself, and under the influence of the strength of emotions she finished her plan to the following consequences. «What did I do? Heavenly Father»! Sveta covered her face with hands and started to cry, letting tears flow and thought that those tears would be the last in her life, that now she would surely change and become a different person. However, Maxim’s love was torturing Svetlana all the time, as if someone was leading her, following all her steps, not giving a chance to walk freely. Svetlana, searching for a solution, was getting confused and could not concentrate on her actions, saying not what she wanted, but something that was against her thoughts and wishes. As it seemed she was making mistakes, acting with little benefits for herself, and with more for others. Svetlana berated herself for that, thinking, that weakness and uncertainty made her act this way. Time was passing by, her actions made other people happy; then she looked at herself differently. Not stepping on herself, her pride and ambitions, her ego, she would not be able to bring so much positive, unless she was guided by this life. Why does she feel she is so weak, or vice versa, so strong? Svetlana could not figure that out, letting the time giving the answer to that.
Interesting, how does this feeling affect Maxim? Turns out very strange: he is so young, but he is the force which guides her… Facial expression of her face changed, this thought intimidated her. How about the age? Life experience? All that only comes with time. «Time and his strength took away the ability to have children… For what?!» – Sveta cried, closing face with palms. At that moment it seemed that tears were the remaining of weakness she was not free from yet. Svetlana cried till the thoughts which provoked tears disappeared. Getting the last energies, she calmed down and took herself together.
She remembered the moment of the car accident very calmly, not worrying about anything. She tried to remember every detail and to understand their importance. Suddenly she realized that all the years of her suffering – about ten years – narrowed to the couple of moments which led to the result which took her dream away. Right now she can’t return things to how they were, she needs help from outside. Who can help her in that, she does not know. Telling herself that she needs to wait again, Svetlana smiled and thought that at the situations like this only frantic love can help. She has that kind of love! She became petrified. Maxim! Maxim! Maxim! This is what I need to wait for! His actions! But what kind of actions? What can he do, when he just loves me – it does not matter that he loves me like a woman and I love him like a man! We can’t have any relationship anyway! And I need a baby! Svetlana didn’t hold tears again, so they were running down her face and she ignored them. Recalling the doctor’s words, she got even more confused: she is healthy, but her psychological trauma is the compelling challenge which restrains her. This wall – her own creation, made up in years, which is now becoming the grandest obstacle to her dream.
Rejecting those thoughts, Svetlana concentrated on Maxim: «He does not know anything. How can he help me if he only has a year and a half in school? After graduation, he would leave my life forever, and then I would leave. What would happen then»? Svetlana hold her tears, worries and fear of the unknown, and then suddenly realized that all her destiny depends on the «little boy». If he can help her, then she will be happy, if not – she won’t be. She felt unbearably miserably. Svetlana always tried to do everything herself – absolutely everything; if she had help, help was coming from mature influential people. Even those people had problems: they knew how to do something, but knowledge didn’t give strength; not everything worked – they did mistakes as well. Destiny was cruel to them, very cruel. No one is going to act at this time and she is too scared even to think of it. Svetlna imagined: Maxim – such innocent young man is holding her on his arms. Her, a mature and independent woman, who can achieve everything that she wants! What is the most important for her – it is this boy. But at the same time Svetlana was not in doubts, feeling the power of his love, and thought that she believed in him. «Yes! I need to believe in him and hope hundred times more then I love him»! – Svetlana said to herself. – In the modern world I have never met more honest, clean and flawless person, free from sins and wicked motives; ideal, with the white-colour soul and brightening sight which I noticed behind the flowers. I shall work on myself, shall be stronger and smarter to have the same light. Then he will see my shine, which would reveal all my sufferings and torturing. He will easily cope with them and will relieve me from the psychological trauma. There is no need to think how and why. There is a need to do, do things right now…»
Svetlana looked at herself in the mirror. She never saw so much confidence and determination on her face, which looked very serious; it seemed that her sight could see through, creating tingling feeling. She turned away from the mirror, feeling those tingling on herself. Here is a first thing to do! Finally, I need to call my mother and apologize for yelling at her. Why did she let that happen? It is so wrong to do, such a shame! Sveta looked at the phone for some time, even tried to reach it with hand, but kept on procrastinating. It was easy to do but she tried to understand what is disturbing her. When the reason is found, it is easy to cope with pride or flaw. Svetlana enjoyed that working on yourself does not occupy as much time as she thought.
– Hey mom! It is me. How are you doing? I hope you are not very angry at me for yesterday?
Her mother didn’t answer. «More then likely she didn’t expect to hear the apology, – Svetlana thought. – Wow»! – And continued:
– Please forgive me, mom, alright? You know how much I love you. I could not contain myself… Svetlana waited for her mother to stop sobbing.
X
Maxim slipped from the bed, not washing up at all, and found his old constructor with the iron tube and started to make himself a crutch. «Enough lying in bed! It is time to act and not to waste time on the purposeless storing of fat!» – he told himself. With help of the created crutch, Max limped to the horizontal bar, hang on it and felt a strong pain in all body and head. He has risen on a healthy leg, taking a rest, and then practised again and again, till the pain became tolerant. So he tortured himself till lunch and then made a break to get a meal. Chewing food wearily, Maxim understood that he had a very important task, unrealistic at the given moment. He was ffrightened by the awful comprehension that he was not ready to solve it. Ttherefore, he felt as thought he was getting a failing grade: defenceless and weak. Max was miserable and, being submerged in his thoughts, he poured a glass of hot tea on himself.
Griping teeth, Maxim endured pain from the boiling water which burnt his legs, especially the broken one. At that moment bone in the leg started to ache so bad that he could not even see clearly. However, Max tried to relax and take a control over pain to acknowledge how it worked. Maxim realized that when ache spreaded over the extremity it was tolerable, and when he was contracting one muscle the pain was leaving to other muscles. When straining the whole leg, it is necessary to endure pain all over, and that is a lot more painful. «That means, – Max thought, – that I must choose the hardest path. It is harder to relax when you feel the pain, and the result from overcoming the difficulty is always pleasant. How am I going to help Svetlana if I don’t know what to do? To understand what to do, I ought to think about it all the time and do something. Yes, I need to do well at school, to get prepared for examinations, to read books – all of that is necessary. But when and how»?
Returning to his room, Maxim turned on the music quietly and started to learn new topic in geometry, quite a difficult one. Music was bothering him; no matter how many times he had read the chapter he could not remember it. Max was tired and exhausted, but said to himself that he would learn it. He made the interfering music louder and started to read and memorize again. It was very hard to do, since he was very tired; dizziness and weakness in the whole body challenged him to do two things at once. However, he decided: «If I can’t manage this task, then will I be able to do something else»?! He was not paying attention to anything and didn’t leave the table before the topic was learned. Instead of being happy – he managed to solve the hardest math problems independently, Max said: «It is not enough»! When he stood up from the chair, he almost fell down, snatching at the table to keep balance. Overcoming severe headache, Max understood that he would fall on the floor unless he lay down. It was two footsteps to the bed, but he took his crutch and plodded to the couch, taking frequent breaks. He lay there relaxed, with eyes closed, and tried to regain strengths which were mostly gone. Maxim thought: «How can I lie when there are so many things to do? It will take over five years to accomplish everything, but I only have one year»!
Max tried to figure out how much time he would stay home. He was home over a month, but he felt no progress in his condition. He actually felt worse: head was aching and spinning, weakness was driving him crazy. He had to remain still for hours to regain the lost energies at least a little. He was annoyed by staying in bed because he was not sleepy and it was challenging to concentrate on thinking. Growing a little stronger, Max opened his eyes. He experienced a grand surprise when he saw that in the corner of the leaving room, right near his room, stood a decorated New Year tree! That was amazing! He became surprised even more when he looked at the calendar: it was the thirtieth of December! That means, that tomorrow is the New Year! Wow! Max felt a fit of energy, stood up from the couch, limped to the tree and took a sit on the chair near it. He got a feeling that New Year tree is giving him some inner strength. It didn’t smell like a pine tree, but Max knew that it was alive. Alive, but will die soon… His happiness disappeared. On top of that he remembered: everyone would go out tomorrow, but he would still be at home like today. Loneliness disappointed him at first, but them he moved negative thoughts aside and said to himself: «I shall have a New Year next year only anyway, when my dream will come true! Right now I need to forget the New Year, my birthday, and everything else that can slow me down on my way». Do I need to overwhelm myself with all that?
He knew the answer to that question already. Getting rid of this idea, Maxim thought that life had no meaning unless you made another person happy, even by dedicating your whole life to that goal. Max was angry at himself for the moment of weakness: «Is this how you see yourself and your love»!? He had never sworn, and even at that time didn’t let himself to pronounce a single indecent word. He thought again about the idea which upset him and asked himself: «Why am I angry? I have taken the decision, more over; I took the first move already. I am on the way to success. So why was I upset»? Could it be the weakness taking me off the right path?! Or was it a weakness of spirit? Or uncertainty which hasn’t left me yet, trying to block the way?! Everything – away!
Maxim stood up on the gypsum and fell down, hitting his head with the window-sill. His nose started to bleed. He stood up with effort and made it to the bathroom. After catching up breath, he reached the light switch and then lost consciousness. He fell on the floor heavily. He recovered right away and heard the echo from the fall in his ears. Everything was drifting in front of his eyes: walls, floor, and furniture – the whole corridor was storming. Maim could not stand up: broken foot created acute seizures which moved directly to the head. Every single movement caused him loosing vision. Overcoming this terrible pain, he managed to grab a wall with one hand and a dresser with the other in order to remain in the sitting position. It was easy to overcome dizziness, but when his heart was burning, he had to lie down still. Maxim could not take hands off the wall and dresser, that action would mean to fall again. Energies left him again. He flexed his aching stomach, released hands free and lay on the back. It was hot, and cold corridor floor was refreshing. Lying on the floor, Max was making decision where to creep: to the leaving room, bathroom, or his room. Decision arrived itself: first to the bathroom, then to my room. «I need to stand up! – said Max. – Last thing I need is to catch a cold»! Leaving the crutch, he crept to the bathroom. How pathetic can a human being be! He is not much different from a dog at the moment, even weaker and more helpless! After washing up he knew that he had energies for another five minutes, and he need to use the bathroom and brush teeth. He had strength for that, but not to get to the room. He remained sitting in the bathroom, with eyes closed, as if he slept. He could not fall asleep, but was taking a nap, seeing a dark-haired and dark-skinned girl, who smiled at him and wanted to tell something. She was calling Max, but he could not understand what she wanted from him. He moved, chasing the view away, but it was holding him tightly. Then Max tried to relax but almost fell in the tub, having time to close eyes and to grab the sink. After soaking head in cold water, he rose from the floor sharply, made a few jumps along the hall to reach the crutch, and then limped to his room. He collapsed in bed and didn’t wake up till the next evening.
