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At night, I continued to dream of exile with a slim, young pauper, of forbidden kisses in a secret garden, of stalking, glittering shadows that lurked at the fringes, growing ever closer.
The weather matched my mood: chilled and bleak.
I could not have felt any more dread if I was being transported to my own execution, which at this moment sounded like an equally appealing option to that of an undesired marriage to the very figure that loomed ever larger, not only in my dreams but in my nightmares. If I could have jumped from the carriage and fled across the Highlands, I might have attempted to do so, but I knew Aleck was stationed alongside the carriage driver, and for that very reason.
It was Maisie who brought up the subject—yet again—and I could hardly blame her for being more than a little incensed on the entire topic of marriage. Especially to a Mackenzie. After all, this wedding should have been hers, if Wilkie hadn’t chosen Roses, his exotic-looking kitchen servant to wed, only to later find out that she was the daughter of King William himself. Such was his devotion, he hadn’t cared that she was of lowly status; even before he had learned of her royal bloodline he’d been willing to forsake his own lairdship to have her. Now he would be laird of an altogether different clan, that of King’s Stuart clan, presiding over the grand Ossian Lochs.
It was a romantic notion indeed that a man would dedicate his heart so completely to a woman. And Wilkie’s bride’s newly discovered lineage presented them with an unlikely and entirely favorable future, even beyond their love.
My own future would be less favorable. My own husband-to-be, I was sure, would be dedicated only to ensuring that my life would be an exercise of intimidation and subservience. On the strength of his reputation as a ruthless aggressor on the battlefield and from the brutality he had demonstrated in the sparring ring, it seemed to be his nature, as estimated by my sisters, and I could hardly disagree. Less discussed but still hinted at was Kade Mackenzie’s dominating and lusty escapades behind more intimate closed doors, a topic that had been mostly skirted so far. But it was only a matter of time. My sisters were putting real effort into trying to be sensitive to my impending doom, I knew, but it simply wasn’t in their nature to hold back.
Maisie commented further, bemused, “’Tis inconceivable how two brothers can be so entirely different in nature, is it not? Wilkie’s so quick to laugh, so vibrant. Kade, on the other hand, seems unpredictable, to say the least. He was civil enough at the gathering, but did you see him fight? He lives, I would guess from that performance, only to fight, and to win, at whatever cost.”
I hoped Maisie was wrong, of course, but two weeks of discussion on this very topic had left me feeling hopeless and certain that my new husband would be as ruthless and impulsive as he seemed. Ann, as always, remained optimistic. My gentlest of sisters, the one whom I could always count on to at least try to find brightness in any dark situation, argued in my favor: “You hardly know, Maisie—” Then, in response to Maisie’s glower: “I’m sorry but it’s true. You spent a fleeting moment with Wilkie, two days at the very most, regardless of how intimate you might have been with him. And you don’t know Kade Mackenzie from the King of Spain. You’ve seen him in passing and spoken to him only a handful of words. You’re upsetting Stella with half-truths.”
“’Tis just a feeling,” Maisie countered, sulky at the accuracy of Ann’s reprimand. “A very strong feeling.” The announcement of my betrothal to Kade Mackenzie had been a crushing loss for Maisie and one she still had not fully recovered from. She was only now, two weeks after the fiasco, coming out of her despondency. My wedding, however, would present an opportunity for her to seek out new conquests. Scouting for potential husbands was an agenda shared by the rest of my family as well, aside from Bonnie and Clementine, and my sisters were bright-eyed even as they attempted to calm my unease. But their words only stoked my apprehension.
“Either way,” commented Clementine, “there can be little doubt about his...energy. We all witnessed it in the sparring ring. He’s unlikely to be gentle with you, Stella—and we say this, of course, with only your best interests at heart. You must be forewarned. Kade Mackenzie is marrying you to claim our clan’s lairdship, and not for reasons of affection. You must go into this marriage with your eyes open to the grim reality of the situation.”
This was hardly news, yet they continued. And it was not the first time I wished they might change the subject, that we might be able to discuss the weather, a favorite song, a new fashion—anything but my troubling future. I knew they were trying to comfort me as best they could, under the circumstances. They were merely excitable at the drama of my predicament and entirely preoccupied with discussing it relentlessly. I wished I could daydream of faraway places. Of Edinburgh, and beyond. But it was not to be.
“I’m sorry to say it, dear sister,” said Maisie, “but you have no choice but to expect the worst. He appears charming enough, but it’s clear enough he has a wicked temper. You saw him in the heat of battle. I dread to think what he’ll bring to the marriage bed.”
“Aye,” said Clementine, still gazing out the window, lost as she often was in her own disappointment in the subject at hand. “He’s bound to be an absolute tyrant both in and out of your private chambers.”
Agnes and Ann agreed, nodding silently with wide eyes. Since they were the youngest of us, the very mention of a marriage bed was enough to stun them into speechlessness. To be sure, it did similar things to me. In only a few short days, I would be at the mercy of my new husband. The thought of Kade Mackenzie—his size, his flashing light eyes and the contained strength of him that radiated from his movements like an aura—filled me with dread. My sisters spoke the truth. There was no telling what I might be subjected to.
“He might have redeeming qualities,” ventured Ann. “He seemed rather amiable, I thought, even if it was forced. He spoke politely. And he certainly seemed to have eyes for you, Stella.”
I considered Ann’s words, and could find some truth in them. Kade had appeared relaxed and somewhat amused by the lush attentions of the women at the festive gathering. And as I thought of it now, I couldn’t help considering that my sisters and cousins hadn’t thought him quite so tyrannical at the time. In fact, once Wilkie was clearly otherwise engaged, they had all turned their attentions quite convincingly to my brutish husband-to-be, and not without some enthusiasm.
And now I could reflect that there had been more to Kade Mackenzie’s scrutiny than light, speculative appreciation. He tolerated the attentions patiently enough, engaging in conversation that clearly was not particularly interesting to him. He’d allowed the fluttery touches on his arms and his hair, the tittering responses to his every word. Having so many to choose from, I wasn’t sure why his eyes had followed me more than any of the others. In fact, I’d thought I’d imagined his preference for me—which, unlike my sisters, I had quietly attempted to discourage.
I remembered the glint in Kade’s eye. On the contrary, I find insolence in women intriguing—it happens to be an affliction that I’m usually able to cure almost entirely under the right circumstances. Not malicious, as such. But playfully intimidating nonetheless. I had been indisputably drawn to him, aye, in ways that had confounded me with their glittery insistence. But always, behind his appeal had lurked turbulent layers of the unknown. The rocky landscape of my abusive upbringing had instilled within me a very real fear of all things unknown, especially those bestowed by such a vital, well-armed soldier.
The arrangements had been made, the agreement secured. No more protests would be made.
“At least he’s something to look at,” Ann continued. “Those blue eyes are striking.”
“’Tis true, Stella,” said Agnes. “Kade Mackenzie might be fierce, daunting and unruly—”
“And huge,” added Clementine.
“And rather unnecessarily cruel,” Agnes said.
“And freakishly strong,” agreed Maisie.
“But he is, in fact, quite handsome,” Ann continued. “Quite handsome.”
“In a very rough, aggressive kind of way,” Agnes said. But I could detect from her tone that she wasn’t entirely convinced.
And neither was I.
Was Kade Mackenzie handsome? I considered this. Striking, aye. His hair was a dark, sable-brown—as opposed to his black-haired brothers: that was the first thing I had noticed about him. His eyes, too, with their ice-blue clarity, spearing and direct. And the jaunt of his movement, quick and athletic; more than once he had reminded me of a predator whose unpredictability would give him every advantage. A man who might either save you or strike you down when you least expected it.
Maybe I just wasn’t used to him. Maybe he wasn’t as intimidating as I was imagining. Perhaps I just wasn’t used to his abruptness, his size and power. My father had little time to spare with all the leadership of the keep resting entirely on his shoulders. He dined with his men and rarely visited our wing. No other men were permitted into our quarters, and those that we mingled with throughout our days were strictly supervised. My one private moment with Caleb—resulting in a rushed, featherlight kiss—had been a result of a bold excursion with Bonnie, for which I had later been severely punished.
I could acknowledge that there was a certain magnetism to Kade Mackenzie, somewhere in the complexity of him. Those teasing hints of his appeal might shine through over time, and overtake the shadowy depths of his personality that I could not interpret. In an attempt to ease my billowing anxiety, I tried to assure myself that my fear was unfounded. But my hope was quickly eroded by my sisters’ continued discussion.
“At any rate,” Maisie began, and there was sympathy and a note of jealousy in her tone, if I was reading her correctly, “with him, I have a feeling you need to be prepared for the unexpected. No doubt about it, Stella. You’re in for a time of it.”
Agnes leaned forward, whispering, even though there was no one to overhear us. “Did I tell you what happened to Claire Buchanan’s cousin?” she said.
I hesitated, sensing that I might not want to hear what Agnes was about to share. Ann answered for me. “Nay, Agnes. What happened to Claire Buchanan’s cousin?”
“Well. I’m afraid it’s somewhat distressing, Stella. But I think you should hear it.”
“You never mentioned this before, Agnes,” said Maisie, her eagerness clearly detectable. “Do tell.”
Agnes paused, as though reconsidering. But then she continued. “I wasn’t sure if I should bring it up, but I think Stella should prepare herself.”
“For what?” asked Clementine.
“Well,” continued Agnes, with the undivided attention of all, “Kade Mackenzie attended a gathering at the Buchanan manor—this was half a year or so ago. Lottie told me all about it last time she visited their keep.”
We all knew that our cousin Lottie, in fact, had been issued not only an invitation to the Buchanan manor, but also a proposal by a lower-ranking nobleman of the Buchanan clan. My father, predictably, had denied the match outright.
“Claire’s cousin invited him to her private chambers—why I’ll never know. She allowed him...well, whatever he wanted. Claire’s cousin said he did unspeakable things. It took her several days to recover.”
“What do you mean ‘unspeakable’?” asked Maisie.
Agnes continued in hushed tones. “Apparently, she was completely overcome.”
“In what way?” It was my own hesitant question that lingered in the confined space.
Agnes took a moment to answer. “She said it was the most intense experience of her life.”
I couldn’t help asking it: “Intense?”
Agnes nodded. “She spent the whole night in a state of terrified ecstasy, according to Lottie. Those are the words she used, too, I remember it clearly—‘terrified ecstasy.’ She didn’t know what he was going to do from one moment to the next, but in the end, she begged him to do it all over again the very next night.”
This was met with momentary silence.
“She begged him to do it again?” Ann asked, as though she was unsure if she’d heard it correctly.
“Aye,” said Agnes. “But he wouldn’t. She was so eager she even asked him to propose to her. But he refused, and he made his leave the next day.”
More silence, as we absorbed this disquieting information.
“What did he do to her?” asked Maisie, wildly intrigued as we all were. Me, perhaps most of all, as the carriage continued on its way, swallowing distance and divides, taking me ever closer to my fate.
“Claire’s cousin wouldn’t tell Lottie everything,” Agnes said, “but she did say this—he bound her to the bed.”
“Bound her?” I asked, my voice doing nothing to disguise my distress. “Why?”
“To constrain her. She was entirely at his mercy.”
“Good Lord,” whispered Ann.
“So he’s as domineering in the bedchambers as he is in the sparring ring,” said Maisie. “I guessed as much.”
Ann, who was sitting to my right, gave me a sudden hug, holding my head against her shoulder. “Stella, ’tis worse than we feared. He’s as cruel as the worst rumors indicate. We cannot let you go through with this. Between the seven of us, we might overpower the driver and Father’s officer. Or you could pretend to be ill. We could ask to stop at the next tavern and escape somehow. I’ll come with you. I’ll stay with you. You can’t marry Kade Mackenzie. He sounds utterly horrific. Marriage to such a beast is too much to ask of you, alliance or no alliance.”
“Agnes,” said Maisie, interrupting Ann’s fevered monologue, “are you sure Lottie said she asked him to propose to her? Even after he constrained her like that?”
Ann allowed me to sit up a little, but her arms remained strung loosely around me as we both waited for Agnes’s answer.
“Aye,” Agnes said. “Even though she was terrified of him, she said his lovemaking was akin to a spiritual experience. And then he left and wouldn’t return and she ended up marrying a Buchanan soldier. But now she’s thoroughly unhappy. Her new husband doesn’t satisfy her. Claire’s cousin—and you must never breathe a word of this to anyone—she even sent a letter to Kade, asking him to return to their keep for a visit, husband or no husband. But he never replied.”
I wasn’t sure how to take this mixed bag of information. A spiritual experience? What did that even mean? Was it that bad? Or that good? Clearly it must have been good if she had wanted him to stay and marry her, and still she wrote to him despite being wed to another. Yet it didn’t make sense.
She was entirely at his mercy.
I felt as though I might pass out. Extricating myself gently from Ann’s grasp, I pulled the heavy cloth curtain back from the window of the carriage, letting a current of fresh air waft around me, breathing the coolness deeply into my lungs.
“Stella,” said Agnes, placing her hand over mine, patting lightly. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I thought, if it was me, I’d want to know what to expect. So I could prepare myself as best I could.”
“’Tis fine, Agnes,” I said, not feeling at all fine. About any of it.
“Well, it’s not exactly bad news, then, is it?” said Clementine. “If she wanted him to do...whatever it was he did, and the very next night, then surely it was—”
“But what exactly did she mean by ‘spiritual experience’?” interrupted Maisie. “I mean, when Wilkie and I...” She faltered at the memory. We were all well aware of Maisie’s tryst with Wilkie, having heard about many of the details repeatedly and in some depth. “Well, I would describe it in similar terms. I felt changed by it, and not just physically. Perhaps they shared something. You should be careful, Stella. And mindful. ’Tis good that you mentioned it, Agnes. Kade might stray with Claire Buchanan’s cousin. You might have to go with him to any gatherings at the Buchanan manor. Just in case.”
That seemed the very least of my worries. In fact, I wished Kade had taken this Buchanan lass’s offer to marry her, so I could be done with Kade Mackenzie once and for all. I wanted nothing to do with terrified ecstasy or spiritual experiences, whatever those might be.
“Try not to think about it, Stella,” Ann said softly, holding one of my hands. “It’ll only upset you.” The rest of them seemed to sense this, too, and thankfully fell quiet.
If only I could choose my own lover, and one who didn’t intimidate me so. Or bind and ravage me.
I nearly gave in to the tears that stung the backs of my eyes as I thought of Caleb’s kind voice, his peaceful presence. That was the marriage bed I’d hoped for: one that was as nonthreatening as such a thing could be.
Instead, I looked out the window to see, perched on a hill in the shrinking distance, the grand and ominous Kinloch manor.
CHAPTER FIVE
ON THE MORNING of my wedding day, I awoke to the gushing excitement of my sisters and my attendants. For them, the day promised fun, festive possibilities and a brighter future for the entirety of our clan. For me, however, it offered a wholly different view. I pulled the furs over my head to block out the light and relentless activity.
But my attempts to hide were quickly thwarted and I was fawned over, undressed and helped into my bath, which had been brought into the room and filled with perfumed, steaming water. “You’ve lost weight, Stella,” commented Ann. “You’re not eating enough.”
It was true. My stomach had been too uneasy for food, almost from the moment my father had presented me with the news of my impending marriage. And I was naturally somewhat slimmer than my sisters, although still curvy enough to fill out the fashionable wedding dress I would wear, designed and prepared for me by none other than Kade’s sister, Ailie Mackenzie. The dress had been fitted the previous day, and the waist had needed only minor adjustments. After much deliberation, it had been decided that I would wear my hair down for the wedding ceremony, as my many attendants found its dark waving tendrils with their golden tips pleasing against the off-white of the velvet dress.
“You shouldn’t lose too much weight, Stella,” Maisie scolded me. “Men don’t like their women too thin.”
The very subject of men in general—and one man in particular—was enough to start my stomach fluttering again. Whatever preferences Kade Mackenzie held for the size and shape of a woman’s body were shady, disquieting details that sent my heart racing. I stood up, dripping onto the floor as I made a move to step out of my bath. “I can’t do it. I cannot marry him. I don’t love him, and I don’t want to share his marriage bed.”
Hands were on me, stroking my hair and easing me back into the warm water.
“’Tis not about love, sister,” said Clementine, soothing in tone but hardly in subject. “’Tis about duty, honor, protection. You’ll be lady of the clan one day soon, remember. Your comfort, your bidding, your every wish will be ours to provide you. Your child will be heir of Glenlochie. You’ll have a new status to be proud of, and one which you’re bound to fulfill with grace, as kind and gentle as you are.” After a moment, Clementine added, somewhat grimly, “You can’t run from your duty, Stella.” And I felt for her then, I truly did. It should have been her, the eldest, to bear the heir: a thought that plagued her, I could see it written on her face. It should not have been me, the second child. Rather than fulfilling all the promise of her status as firstborn, she would see out her childbearing years in the self-imposed isolation of a nunnery, nursing her own heartbreak and defeat. And in the light of this truth that was clearly painful for her, I took her comment to heart. Nay, I could not run from my duty, a duty she coveted, yearned for, cried for and one that had passed her by. And Maisie, too. For all their faults, they were my sisters and I wanted to keep them safe and protected. For my family, I wanted to do right. My clan was depending on me, and I would not fail them, no matter what reservations I had about my soon-to-be husband.
“There are other duties you’ll need to carry out, too, Stella,” said Maisie. “Wifely duties that a husband will expect.”
I had heard some of these wifely duties discussed by my sisters, first when Clementine had been preparing for marriage—twice—and then when Maisie had been expecting a proposal from Wilkie Mackenzie. But I had studiously avoided thinking too closely about what such duties might entail. My sisters, however, liked details. “Firstly,” began Maisie, “a husband expects his wife to undress him.”
My soft groan was acknowledged with patting hands, but we all knew there was little they could do to help me aside from informing me and doing their best to pick up the pieces after the fact.
“He might not demand that of you on the first night,” Clementine offered.
“How would one even go about undressing Kade Mackenzie without getting speared?” asked Agnes.
“Aye, sounds dangerous,” agreed Ann. “Getting past all those blades might present a challenge.”
“Some husbands, I’ve heard,” continued Maisie, “like their wives to feed them. It makes them feel powerful, I would imagine.” Her comment trailed off wistfully, and I had no doubt in that moment that she had planned to serve her own husband—lost to her forevermore—in these ways and any other she could imagine.
“And then, of course,” added Clementine, “the marriage bed presents its own...duties.”
“The marriage bed is a minor detail to be endured,” offered Ann, perhaps noticing my stricken expression. But her words offered no solace; she knew less about what to expect than even I did.
“You don’t have to remain faithful,” said Maisie quietly. This comment was met with a moment of awkward silence. Maisie didn’t have to mention his name for the reference to be brutally clear. “He’ll likely be allowed to return to Glenlochie once you’re officially married.”
“Just wait until your husband strays before you do,” advised Agnes. “Ainsley Munro told me that her cousin’s husband annulled their marriage when he found out about his wife’s affair, and he was legally allowed to. But if he’d strayed first, then there are no legal grounds for an annulment.”
“Is that true?” asked Clementine, intrigued.
“Aye, she told me, too,” Maisie confirmed. “And it’s true that most men do stray. At least that’s what I’ve heard. And I’d wager Kade Mackenzie will be no different, especially if the rumors of his...vigor are true.”
“Well, hopefully Kade will stray,” Ann added softly. “He can seek his dark pleasures elsewhere. Then Stella can get what she wants.”
Their chatter continued somewhere outside my scope and I let my head slip under the bathwater to further distance myself. In just a few short hours I would be wed to and irrevocably bound to a man I had met but a handful of times, whose unholy vibrancy haunted me from afar. At this moment what I felt was fear, but I could acknowledge a curiosity, too, or what might have been better described as a survivalist instinct. I wanted to begin to emotionally prepare myself for what lay ahead. I couldn’t help letting my mind tread in disturbing directions. Tonight. The marriage bed. With Kade Mackenzie. Would he be kind? Or brutish? Would he be cold and disinterested, or possessive and demanding? Would he hurt me? Maisie and Bonnie had spoken to me about the very adventurous marriagelike activities they’d both indulged in with men they desired to wed. For Bonnie, the future looked bright. I worried for Maisie, having given herself like that, so fully, to a man who was now someone else’s husband; I worried that it would indeed have an impact on her chances for marriage to another man. She regretted nothing, though, she insisted. Those private moments with Wilkie Mackenzie, she’d said, were some of the most pleasurable and treasured of her life.
I wondered if my experiences would be at all pleasurable. Despite Agnes’s gossip, or perhaps because of it, I thought that possibility unlikely. Aye, Kade affected me in unusual ways. The rippling, primal awareness that seemed to infuse me whenever he was near: it was a reaction I had attributed to fear, but there was a warmth to my lingering panic that was quite removed from trepidation, which I might have described as wary curiosity. His grip on my shoulders had been so sure, so strong yet in no way painful. His rasped surprise that was laced with the slightest trace of vulnerability. Stella.
Nevertheless, I was too accustomed to violence to expect anything less of him, and this type of impending violence would be more personal and more damaging than anything I had so far experienced: this I knew.
If I hadn’t been pulled up to have my hair washed and attended to, I might have stayed in my underwater haven, to slip away and never know. As it was, I was so lost in my silent, fevered reservations that before I even knew what was happening, I was bathed, dried, dressed, primped, polished and perfumed to within an inch of my life, and ready to attend my own wedding.
* * *
IF I HAD been in a better state to appreciate such things, I might have registered through the haze of my distraction that the day was sunny and warm, that the mood was festive, that Kinloch’s small chapel was an exquisite, reverential space with its white walls and shards of colored light.
