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Looking over towards the huge bay window, I notice that the curtains are closed. I realise only then what a blessing that is. It’s nice to feel hidden; cocooned against the torrential rain that’s bouncing off the window panes and the howling of the wind as it smashes against the door knocker.
Elliott is eyeing me suspiciously, like he knows I shouldn’t really be smoking in the house. I bring my finger up to my lips.
‘Shhh.’
He smiles. I wink.
It’s then the situation really hits me, as I look into my boy’s open, trusting face. The brief freedom of a few seconds earlier disintegrates in front of my bloodshot eyes, just like I knew it would. I begin to feel a stirring in my stomach, an acidic cocktail of panic and regret thrashing around, desperate to erupt. I take another drag of my cigarette, this time more harshly than I should, deep into the lungs. I pray the nicotine will banish any feelings of doubt. I’ve no room for doubt. ‘Smoking kills’ reads the label on my half-smoked packet. I realise I’m crying.
Elliott whines from across the room. ‘Sorry, pal,’ I whisper, while rubbing my eyes with the cuff of my sleeve. I rake my free hand through my thick, chestnut hair, greying just slightly at the sides. At thirty-six, I have what you would call a ‘lived-in’ face: rugged around the edges, with emerald-green eyes and naturally tanned skin. I suppose I used to be handsome, before all of this happened, of course. Now, every time I look into a mirror, I can’t help but notice that my cheeks are a little too hollow and my eyes have lost their spark. Still, there’s worse things in life to worry about than your own appearance, isn’t there?
As I lay my head on the squashy headrest of my chair and close my eyes, the salty tears run freely down my cheeks. ‘It will be okay,’ I protest; to myself, or maybe to Elliott? I’m not too sure.
He continues to look at me strangely, which makes me feel even worse.
‘Just the smoke making my eyes water,’ I offer, while wafting the cigarette in his general direction. It’s pointless really as I know Elliott doesn’t understand. I then notice Bob the Builder is on the television, his absolute favourite. Balancing the half-smoked cigarette on the side of the ashtray, I walk over to where he’s sitting, crouch down so we’re eye to eye. As he looks up at me, I focus on his dark-blue eyes, eyes that draw you straight to him, mesmerise you.
‘I love you, mister. Everything I have done, and everything I am about to do, is for you. You know that, don’t you?’
In response, Elliott cranes his head around me, transfixed instead with Scoop the digger and Jess the cat. Or am I getting confused with Postman Pat? What’s Bob’s cat called? Pilchard, that’s it. I laugh; fancy thinking of such trivial things at a moment like this.
‘You’re a little sod, you are, pal,’ I laugh through my tears, while ruffling his soft, Milky Bar curls. ‘It’s all right, son, I’ll let you off. Watch your programme.’
God! I adore that little boy so much.
And yet I’ve no choice but to leave him behind.
CHAPTER THREE (#ulink_ecb3eb12-1683-5b2c-a804-e97ff0d3d5f1)
PRESENT DAY
Lana, 2.00 pm
So far I’ve been sat at this pigeonhole of a desk for almost five hours and the only thing I’ve booked is a dental appointment. Four hours to go; now I’m really sweating. I owe the landlord six hundred euros on our shitty, one-bedroom apartment that’s crawling with cockroaches and ants.
Today is it – shit or bust! I can’t even consider the consequences.
I bash the next number into my computer keyboard while screwing up my eyes tightly so I can see the digits. I curse myself for leaving my glasses back in Manchester. But then again, I guess I did leave in a hurry.
‘Hello, 2010.’
Oh, God, I hate it when they answer like that. I know your number, love, I bleeding dialled it. ‘Oh, hello. Is it possible to speak to a Mr Meaking?’
‘No, pet.’ The lady sounds ancient, her Geordie accent scratchy and hoarse.
‘Err… okay. When would it be possible to speak to him?’
I hear her cackle and cough in response, both actions happening simultaneously. She finally comes up for air and replies: ‘I think you’ll be waiting a while, my darling.’
‘Right,’ I stutter. ‘Do you know where he is?’
There’s a fleeting pause and I get the impression she’s smiling. ‘Well, I can’t be sure but I’m pretty certain he’s still boxed up in the cemetery where we put him four years ago.’
‘Oh, good God!’ I instantly feel the heat travelling up my body before resting on my chest and neck, leaving red, angry blotches. ‘I’m so very sorry.’ I want the ground to swallow me up along with the late Mr Meaking. But Mrs Meaking is clearly enjoying her Friday-afternoon chat.
‘Oh, don’t apologise, love; best place for the miserable old git. He always liked the outdoors, anyway.’ She then starts whistling the theme tune to the sitcom One Foot in the Grave, so I take it as my cue to hang up.
Right. I dial the next number. This one has to be a sale. I hear the phone ring out and psyche myself up.
‘Hello?’
‘Oh, hello. Is that Mr Simpson?’ I ask in my telephone voice.
‘I’m sorry, dear, can you speak up?’
‘I’m looking for a Mr Simpson?’ I direct the question slowly and loudly.
‘Who do you want, cocker?’
Oh, for goodness’ sake, I’m getting frustrated now. Why leave a telephone number when you can’t bloody well hear the person on the other end? ‘I want a Mr Simpson… a Mr Bart…’ I realise just in time.
‘Excuse me?’ croaks the old boy on the other end of the line, clearly about ninety, clearly not Bart Simpson. Thank the Lord for deaf people!
‘Never mind,’ I say, but he’s already gone.
At two-thirty, the sun is high in the sky, beating its powerful rays on all its unsuspecting prey below. A stag party blunders past; T-shirts with names printed on the back. I can just about make out ‘Mad Dog’, who in real life is probably a bank manager called Paul with a wife, two kids and a Honda Civic. The groom is stumbling all over. I presume he’s the groom, seeing as how he’s wearing a giant-cock hat. I shake my head while rolling my eyes.
‘James Carter speaking?’
‘Hello, is that Mr Carter?’
‘Yes, of course it’s Mr bloody Carter. I’ve just said that, haven’t I?’
I get the vague impression Mr Carter isn’t going to book a luxurious holiday for a fraction of the normal price, but I swallow loudly and push on regardless.
‘Hello, Mr Carter, it’s Lana, here. I’m calling from…’
‘Are you selling something?’
Shit, hate that one, no answer is ever good.
‘I… no, well, yes, but…’
‘I’m not interested in whatever you’re selling, goodbye.’
I think right at this moment Mr Carter is the person I hate most in the entire world, even more than Damien, even more than… no, we won’t go there. I need to focus.
‘What are you playing at, Lana?’ howls Damien in my ear, making me jump and throw my plastic cup of tea in the air. Luckily, it was only lukewarm and the spillage isn’t much; just enough to soak through my sales sheet. Tomorrow, it will look like one of those old treasure maps I used to make in primary school with cold, wet teabags. I vaguely wonder if I’ll be here to see it.
‘Look what you’ve made me do,’ I mutter half-heartedly, while rubbing at the booklet with my cardigan sleeve.
‘If you don’t get a sale in the next two hours, you’re out on your ear, girl. Stop arsing around!’
He slaps me on the back a bit too hard and struts off.
‘I’ll get it?’ I shout after him. It is meant to be a statement but it comes out as a question. My head begins to pound and my eyes start to water. Quickly, I throw back two paracetamol, swish them down with the last dregs of cold tea, breathe in deeply, count to five, and dial the next number…
Liam, 2.25 pm
Bob the Builder has just finished. It’s almost two-thirty. She’ll be home from work shortly. Best get a move on.
I force my legs to stand.
The rain has stopped; the rhythmic dripping of the drains is all that can be heard outside, along with the occasional bark from next-door’s dog. It’s possibly because of the eerie silence that I jump when my mobile phone rings.
‘Shit,’ I mutter to myself. ‘Who on earth can that be?’ I start to panic. But I must answer it. I reach over and grab it off the coffee table and press the green button. ‘Hello?’ I speak more abruptly than intended. I’m standing in the middle of the room but it doesn’t feel right to sit. There’s a screeching noise on the other end, a really bad connection. ‘Hello?’ I try again, purposefully sounding lighter this time.
‘Oh, hello. Is that Mr Roberts?’
The girl sounds serious. My heart lurches and I feel a twisting in my gut. I change the phone onto my good ear. ‘Yes, this is he.’
‘Oh, hello, Mr Roberts. I’m calling from Getaway Holidays in Tenerife. You left us your details on a competition website around four years ago and…’
Right, just a sales call. Thank the Lord for that. I realise I’m holding my breath, so I breathe, and as I do I feel my stomach muscles relaxing, my windpipe expanding. I’ve got to keep these nerves under control. It occurs to me then that the girl has paused, expectant perhaps of a response. I flop down in the easy chair, grateful for the small reprieve. ‘Carry on,’ I instruct, as I light another cigarette, the previous one now nothing but ash.
‘Well, it’s about the holiday you’ve won. Well, when I say won, I mean sort of won. It’s like a “pay for one night get six free” kind of thing and, well…’
‘What’s your name, love?’ I’m not sure why I ask.
‘It’s Lana,’ she whispers softly. I can almost hear her smile.
‘Lana’s a nice…’
‘So, as I was saying,’ she interrupts, a steely determination suddenly taking hold of her, ‘have you ever been to Tenerife before, Mr, erm, Mr…?’
‘Roberts,’ I rescue her. She laughs nervously and I hear the turning of a page. Am I the furthest she’s ever got to a sale?
‘So, have you, Mr Roberts…? Have you been to the beautiful tropical island of Tenerife?’
I start to feel guilty. I know what she wants and I’m wasting her time, desperate as I am to stall the inevitable.
‘Look, love, I’m sorry,’ I offer reluctantly. ‘I’m not in the position to take a holiday, all right?’ I flick my cigarette ash as I speak; it misses the ashtray and lands on my jeans. I rub it in carelessly.
‘Oh, well, isn’t that a surprise!’
‘Pardon?’ I wonder if she’s been switched. Is this their sales tactic? Good cop, bad cop?
‘Let me see,’ she continues, her voice shaking with every syllable. ‘You’re all booked up, you have no time, and you aren’t in the market for a holiday right now?’ I can almost see her making air quotes above her head.
‘Sorry, love, it’s just really not convenient.’ I sound bored but really I’m just sad. A holiday would be nice.
‘Why? Why not?’ Her voice balances on the edge of tears; tears of frustration, no doubt. I stay silent, suddenly unsure of what to say. ‘Go on, then?’ she persists. ‘Why can’t you come on this holiday you registered for?’ A holiday you left your number for?’ She really emphasises the ‘you’.
‘I’m sorry, it’s just…’ I draw on my cigarette, desperately trying to think of a plausible excuse.
‘What? Go on! I’m all ears! Tell me your excuse so I can file it down in my book along with all the other shit excuses?’ There’s a moment’s pause. ‘Sorry.’ She laughs sadly, as if she may suddenly be embarrassed by her outburst.
I don’t know why I say it, because, as the words slip off my tongue, I know it’s a really bad idea – though maybe I want to shock her, maybe I feel really bad for her and I want to make her see I’m not just like every other time waster, or maybe I just really want to tell someone – but, whatever the reason, when I say the words, it feels good, it feels cathartic to say it out loud, even if only to a total stranger. ‘I can’t come, darling,’ I say quite calmly, ‘because, in a minute…’
‘Yeah?’ she mutters, the fight now gone.
‘In a minute, I’m going to kill myself.’
I’m not sure who hangs up first – perhaps it’s me, or maybe it’s her – but, suddenly, the line is completely dead.
CHAPTER FOUR (#ulink_10acf25f-0fe7-563d-9b96-d9f0a100a3d2)
PRESENT DAY
Lana, 2.30 pm
‘Oh, God, shite… Mel?’ I swivel round on my chair and fly over to where she’s sitting a few metres away. ‘Mel?’ I try again, almost shouting this time. My hands are shaking, heart pounding in my chest.
She puts her right hand up near my face, index finger in the air. ‘Oh, of course, Mr Matlock,’ she purrs, her attention back on the phone. ‘It would be an absolute dream to be acquainted with you when you arrive.’ She meets my eye and smirks. ‘Now, sir… or do you mind if I call you Stanley?’ Giggling, presumably at his response, she flicks her strawberry-blonde hair to one side. ‘Oh, you naughty boy; don’t let Edith here you saying that. Hey, just one second, Mr Matlock.’ As she flicks up her mouthpiece, I take it as my cue to speak but, as the words jump off my lips, she raises that bloody finger again. ‘Just two ticks, chick – I’ve got him here.’ She then reaches in her bag and produces a miniature bottle of vodka.
‘What are you doing? I really need to speak to you.’ I realise I sound pretty desperate but she obviously doesn’t notice.
‘You want one?’ she offers, while unscrewing the top.
‘No, I…’
‘Okay, suit yourself.’ Leisurely, she pours herself a generous measure in a plastic Coca-Cola cup and swills it around with a pen, conceals the empty bottle back in her handbag, then adjusts her headset accordingly.
‘Mel, I really…’ I try again, but she’s already back on the phone.
‘Okay, Stan, I’m back. Did you miss me?’ She laughs, while taking a sip of the harsh, neat vodka. ‘Well, we just have the small matter of payment, then you must tell me all about those lovely Speedos.’ She makes a ‘mmm’ sound before continuing: ‘So how would you like to pay, my dear, apart from in kind?’
Oh, for heaven’s sake, I haven’t got time to listen to Mel and her alternate sales tactics. Instead, I rush over to Damien, who’s sat at his desk playing on Candy Crush and chomping on some BBQ-flavour Pringles.
‘Damien, guess what? Guess what’s just happened?’ The words trip out of my mouth on top of one another.
‘You haven’t gone and got yourself a sale, have you, babe?’ he states without expression, the word ‘tasty’ blaring out of his phone as he clears the candy.
‘No, it’s not that. But I was speaking to some guy and…’
‘If you haven’t got a sale, I don’t wanna know… Vamoosh!’ He waves me off dismissively like you would a chastised toddler.
‘Damien, please.’ I realise I’m close to tears.
