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“Leaving?” Josh asked.
“Yes. But I wanted to thank you for all your help.”
“Come on. I’ll walk you out.”
They moved into the night and headed for her car.
“Nice wheels,” he said, nodding at her BMW 330i.
“An indulgence,” she admitted. “I paid off two of my business bank loans and celebrated with some serious shopping.”
“A car, not shoes?”
“I’m not your typical female.”
“So I noticed. You play football.”
She laughed. “I can hold my own. I’m fast. Tackling would be more of a problem. I lack the body mass to do any damage.”
His gaze never left her face, but she had the oddest sense that he was checking her out. Which was crazy. Josh was acting as a mediator, nothing more. Besides, she wasn’t looking to get involved with Brandon’s uncle.
“Today went well,” he said.
They stood in the dark, Crissy leaning against her car, Josh standing in front of her, his hands in his jeans pockets.
“It did.” She’d been holding emotions at bay for hours and refused to give in to them now. “I was terrified, but it was okay. Brandon’s amazing. Pete and Abbey have done a great job with him. With all the kids. They’re an inspiration.”
“Maybe they started with a good gene pool.”
She shook her head. “I’m not taking any credit for that boy’s personality. I don’t deserve it.”
“Still beating yourself up?”
“Regularly. I do it for exercise.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“Easy to say,” she told him. “Harder to do. I don’t know what to think when I look at him. Is there connection? Should there be? Am I messing with his world? I’m so far out of my comfort zone, I don’t know where to begin.”
“You talked to him,” Josh said. “How did it go?”
“Good. We talked sports mostly. I like him. I never thought about liking or not liking, but I do.”
“Did you want to tell him who you were?”
If the car hadn’t been right behind her, she would have taken a step back. “No. I don’t know that I ever will. It’s too soon. The situation is…complicated.”
Whatever everyone else might say, she still wasn’t sure she deserved to get to know Brandon. Adding to the mix was her desire to not hurt him or his family. The easiest thing would have been to stay away, but for some reason, she’d been unable to do that. Which left her an emotional mess.
Feelings welled up inside of her. She tried to ignore them, but when she had the unexpected and overwhelming urge to throw herself at Josh and ask him to make it all better, she knew it was time to leave. She didn’t have breakdowns and if she was about to start, she would prefer they be in private.
“Thanks again,” she said. “I appreciate your help.”
“I was happy to be here. You have my number. Call me if you want to talk about any of this.”
Exactly what Abbey had said, but somehow Josh’s invitation was inherently more intriguing.
“Okay, I will,” she said, even though she knew she wouldn’t.
Crissy managed to park in her garage and made it all the way to her kitchen before the first tears fell.
“This is stupid,” she said aloud. “I don’t cry.”
She hadn’t in years. So why start now?
Logically she knew there were any number of reasons, the first of which was meeting Brandon. She glanced at the clock on the cable box, then added three hours. It was too late to phone her parents in Florida. Too bad, because she could have used hearing a friendly voice.
She pulled out the bottle of white wine she’d opened the night before and poured herself a glass, then left it on the counter and walked into the room she used as her home office.
Ignoring her computer and the comfy sofa she’d put on the opposite wall, she crossed to the closet in the corner and pulled open the door. Inside were her off-season clothes, several boxes of financial records and a shelf full of clear plastic containers. She pulled off the one that held all her odds and ends from high school and sat on the floor.
The top came off easily. Crissy began digging through prom pictures, yearbooks and hundreds of photos of her with friends. At the bottom, she found an old envelope containing only a few pictures. They were all of her while she was pregnant and there was a single photo of Brandon, right after he’d been born.
She spread the pictures out on the floor and gave in to the tears. She looked so young, she thought as she touched a photo of herself in a hideous pink maternity blouse. Young and scared, yet determined. Determined not to let the consequences of a single night ruin her life.
She knew that’s what she couldn’t forgive. That she’d never agonized over the decision. She’d simply decided to get rid of the “problem” as quickly and easily as possible. That meant finding a nice couple to adopt her baby.
She hadn’t even tried to make it work. Hadn’t considered upsetting her careful plans. What did that say about her? She’d given away her child and for twelve years, hadn’t looked back.
Shouldn’t she have been devastated? Shouldn’t she have worried about him? Wondered? Missed him? There were—
Someone knocked on her front door. Crissy wiped her face and stood. As she walked into the hallway, she pulled the office door shut behind her. She wasn’t expecting anyone and it seemed too late for kids selling candy for school.
She glanced out the peephole in the door and blinked when she saw Josh on her doorstep.
Great. After her meltdown she would look red and blotchy. There was no way to disguise the fact that she’d been crying.
She opened the door and tried to smile. “This is a surprise,” she said. “Is everything all right?”
“That’s my question,” he told her. “I wanted to check on you. How are you doing?”
“Great.”
“Liar. Can I come in?”
She stepped back to let him enter the house, then closed the door behind him.
“Can I get you something?” she asked. “I have an open bottle of wine.”
“Sounds good.”
She went into the kitchen and poured a second glass for Josh, then collected the one she’d ignored earlier and carried both back to the living room.
Josh stood by the fireplace. He took the glass of wine, then looked around. “Nice place.”
“Thanks. It’s kind of big for one person, but I like the high ceilings and the open floor plan.” She pressed her lips together. Chances are Josh wasn’t here to talk about her house.
She motioned to the sofa. “Have a seat.”
When he was settled, she curled up in the corner and faced him. “I’m fine,” she told him.
“That wouldn’t be my professional opinion. Meeting Brandon is a big deal. It makes sense that you have a reaction to all that’s going on.”
“Is that what it is?” she murmured, then put her wine on the coffee table. “I feel guilty. That’s the bottom line in all this. I feel stupid and unworthy. He’s a great kid. I like him. But until recently, I never thought about him as a real person. I don’t even know what I’m upset about. Am I mourning what I never had? But I never wanted it. I don’t know if I want to be part of his world, or even if I should be. I don’t know how to get over the fact that I was lazy.”
“You were young. There’s a difference.”
“There might be a difference, but it’s not an excuse.”
He sipped his wine. “I remember when Abbey told me they were adopting Brandon. I was still in medical school, studying all the time. I went by their house the first day they brought him home. I’d never been around babies before—not without my mom to handle things. He was so small. Both Pete and I were terrified. It was the only time I questioned being a doctor.”
That made her smile. “Because you couldn’t handle one little baby?”
“Yeah.” Humor brightened his dark green eyes. “But not Abbey. She was a natural. Loving, attentive and fearless. She could handle everything from cutting those tiny nails to treating a spiking fever. Pete learned because he had to, but for Abbey it was only joy. Sometimes I think she’s doing what she was born to do.”
“Abbey’s a great mom,” Crissy said, remembering the homemade everything and the ice cream scoops in the individual paper cups. “I agree it’s her calling.”
“So it was a cruel twist of fate that took away her ability to have children of her own. She’d only ever wanted to be a mom. You enabled that to happen.”
Crissy knew in her head he was telling the truth, but in her heart, she didn’t think she should get off so easily.
“Marty was my first serious boyfriend,” she said. “Back in high school. He played football and was really popular. I had a lot of friends, too, even though I played sports. So uncool for a girl.”
“I’ll bet you did well.”
“I did. I was fast and coordinated and I worked hard. I had a plan. Softball scholarship to pay for my college, then a high powered career in finance.” She shrugged. “At least the scholarship part came true. I had a full ride. The day I got the letter I finally admitted to myself what I’d been avoiding for weeks. That I was pregnant.”
She looked away, remembering that day. How she’d curled up on her bed and wished the baby away—something she’d done ever since she’d begun to suspect that having sex with Marty and not using protection had been a dumb idea.
“Marty was as shocked as I was,” she told Josh. “We were each other’s first time and stupid about birth control. He panicked, saying he didn’t want a baby. Not for a long time. I didn’t, either. I had a future and it didn’t include being a single mom.”
“You were only seventeen. That would have been a hard road.”
“I talked to my parents and told them what had happened. They offered to do whatever they could to support me. I could live at home and go to community college. Mom would baby-sit while I was in class. They made it sound so reasonable.”
“But you didn’t want that.”
She shook her head. “I wanted out. Marty signed the paperwork releasing him from responsibility as soon as he could and I started looking for a couple to adopt the baby.”
“What’s wrong with that?” he asked. “Why is that so horrible?”
“I don’t know. It just is. I feel guilty about not feeling guilty enough.”
“That has to sound crazy, even to you.”
Despite everything, she smiled. “I’ll admit it does. I just feel horrible about not caring enough. Not suffering enough.”
“Because you would be a better person if you’d been emotionally crushed?”
“Maybe.”
“You don’t regret the decision, just your lack of remorse?”
Crissy hesitated. Did she regret giving up Brandon?
She searched her heart. “Pretty much,” she admitted. “I’m not like Abbey.”
“No one’s asking you to be.”
“But she’s so great with the kids. She has all those domestic abilities. I don’t. I have no natural female talents.”
From where he was sitting, Josh thought she had a few. More than a few. But she wouldn’t want to hear about him finding her sexy.
Her vulnerability drew him in, mostly because he sensed she was normally confident and in charge of her life. She was a successful businesswoman who had one weakness—her inability to forgive herself.
“We’re not living in the 1800s,” he told her. “Women don’t have a single role. Everyone gets to make choices. You gave your baby to a couple who desperately wanted him. Where’s the bad in that?”
“Oh, sure. Use logic. I’m talking about my irrational side here. I want to wallow in guilt and shame.”
“What is there to be ashamed of? Having Abbey and Pete raise your son?”
Her gaze narrowed. “I’m not ashamed of that and Brandon isn’t my son. He’s theirs. They are possibly the most perfect parents I’ve ever met and as my parents did a hell of a job, I have fairly high standards. Who the hell do you think you are?”
Temper flashed in her eyes. Color stained her cheek and she was breathing hard. Damn, she looked good. He felt a stirring of pure lust. It had been so long that at first he couldn’t figure out what the heat pouring through him meant. When he did, he nearly grinned. It felt good to be alive. How long had it been since he could say that?
“You think this is funny?” she demanded, rising to her feet.
“Not funny. Just interesting. Anger is more productive than self-pity.”
She glared at him. “I can’t believe it. Are you playing me?”
He put down his wine and stood. “A little. I had no idea there was such a drama queen hiding behind your power suit.”
“Drama queen? I don’t think so.” She moved closer and pointed her index finger at him. “You’re just so typically male. Whenever there’s a situation that makes you uncomfortable or that you can’t handle, you go for the easy putdown. The chick insults. Do you feel more like a man now?”
She breathed fury. He could see she wanted to hit him—or at least throw him out.
“Kind of,” he said with a grin.
