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He gave her a questioning look and she realised that she had been staring at him again.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ he asked with one quizzical brow raised.
She gave herself a mental shake. ‘Yes, fine. Are you?’
He blinked slowly. ‘Yes. I’m fine, thanks, Flora.’
‘I was just thinking you looked a bit worn out.’
He sat down, rubbing a hand over his eyes. ‘Yeah, well, I’ve not been sleeping well recently.’
‘Hmm, I’m not surprised. It’s been a difficult few months for you, hasn’t it?’
He shrugged, then took a sip from his drink. ‘I guess.’
Apparently subtlety wasn’t going to cut it. She considered hedging around the subject of his failed relationship, which Amy had alluded to in her letter, but decided she might as well just go for it and see what happened.
‘So are you seeing anyone at the moment?’ she asked, attempting an offhand tone.
His shoulders stiffened at the question. He folded his arms, then frowned, as if something had just occurred to him. ‘Amy asked you to keep an eye on me, didn’t she?’
‘No!’ The lie came out before she had time to modify it. ‘I was just wondering, that’s all. Being friendly and taking an interest.’
‘Mmm-hmm.’ He looked at her steadily for one long, loaded moment and she felt her cheeks start to heat.
‘Okay, yes!’ she burst out defensively, unable to handle his intense scrutiny any longer. ‘Amy mentioned that you’d recently split up with someone and that she thought you were a bit cut up about it.’
‘I see. So that’s why you really called me, is it? To make sure I wasn’t about to jump off the Pulteney Bridge?’
Flora shook her head jerkily. ‘I wanted to see you so we could talk about Amy. You were the person that knew her best after all.’ There was an uncomfortable beat of silence while she took a shaky breath. ‘And I miss her.’ She felt the tears start to well in her eyes again and blinked them back. No way was she going to cry in front of him now.
Her words seemed to have had some sort of effect on him, because his posture relaxed and he reached over the table to put his hand on her forearm. Her skin tingled alarmingly under his touch, but she didn’t pull away. He probably needed some human contact too, she reminded herself.
‘Okay, yes.’ He sighed, a rueful smile appearing on his face.
‘Yes what?’ she asked, a little lost.
‘I am fairly recently out of a relationship, but I’m fine. I was cut up for a while because I thought it could become serious, but it didn’t work out. It’s okay though. I’m fine. Still in one piece,’ he said, taking his hand off her arm to thump his chest right over his heart.
His bravado had a false ring to it though. Maybe it was the repeated use of ‘fine’ or perhaps it was the flash of pain in his eyes that he hadn’t quite managed to conceal.
Her resolve strengthened. Obviously he was still hurting but wasn’t willing to talk about it with her. Well, she could bide her time. Perhaps once they’d got to know each other a bit better he’d soften and let her in. He probably needed to talk it all through with someone he trusted, and she was more than willing to become that person.
If only he’d let her.
* * *
Alex sat back in his chair with a sigh, feeling the burger and beer boosting his blood sugar levels and improving his irascible mood.
When Flora had questioned his relationship status he’d been ready to close her down fast, but had checked himself at the last minute. It was pretty clear she wasn’t the sort of person to take a brush-off lightly—she had fire and determination in those big, bright eyes of hers. He’d decided that an approximation of the truth would be the best course of action.
Hopefully she’d leave it at that now. He didn’t feel like rehashing the pain and misery of the last few months to satisfy the curiosity of a near stranger. Just because she’d been Amy’s closest friend didn’t mean she deserved his total trust and honesty.
Except it sort of did.
He sighed to himself, thinking back to the conversation he’d had with his sister in the hospice, the day she’d passed away.
‘She may seem as tough as nails,’ Amy had said, her voice weak and slurred from the painkillers they’d been pumping into her, ‘but she’ll need a friend once I’ve gone. Promise me you’ll be kind to her, Alex, especially if she comes to you looking for atonement. She’ll beat herself up about not being here to say goodbye.’
And it seemed his sister had been right.
It also looked as though he was going to have to keep the hurried promise he’d made to her as he’d watched her life ebb away.
He remembered now how her request had seemed like the only positive thing at a time when he’d felt so horrifically impotent, unable to do anything to save his sister. It had given him just a little sliver of power over the situation. He suspected Amy might have known that too.
‘I’m just going to the bathroom,’ he said, suddenly feeling an overwhelming need to escape from the poignant memories that were pressing in on his head like a vice.
‘Okay,’ Flora said, producing an overly bright smile, as if sensing his pain.
In the gents bathroom he stared at himself in the mirror, noting the dark rings around his bloodshot eyes and the unhealthy pallor of his skin. He’d not meant to get so drunk last night, but he hadn’t had the willpower to say no when his bandmates had suggested going to the pub after rehearsals. He’d also not been entirely straight with Flora earlier when he’d suggested that someone else had persuaded him to drink whisky until the early hours of the morning.
He’d done that entirely of his own volition.
Yesterday had been a difficult day and he’d felt the overwhelming need to get out of his head for a while and drown his raging thoughts. Music was usually his salvation, but it had become increasingly difficult to lose himself in it over the last few months and it was slowly driving him insane.
He slapped his cheeks, seeing colour bloom on his pale skin. Time to pull himself together.
Returning to the table, he bit back a wry smile as he noted how uncomfortable Flora looked perched on the edge of the bench, as if afraid that sitting on it fully might sully her impeccable image.
‘I swear that’s the last time I drink whisky straight from the bottle,’ he said flippantly as he sat back down, noticing Flora flinch a little. It reminded him of her less than impressed reaction earlier when he’d told her he’d only just got up. He’d laughed it off at the time but, truth be told, he’d found it virtually impossible to drag himself out of bed today.
They sat in awkward silence for a moment, both sipping from their nearly empty pints.
‘It’s no wonder you’re depressed if you spend all your time in places like this,’ Flora said suddenly in a voice that she’d perhaps meant to be jokey but actually came off as a little officious.
‘I’m not depressed,’ he stated firmly, feeling discomfort flood through him.
‘Really? Are you sure? From what you’ve told me it sounds like you could be.’
He sighed in frustration, wishing she’d change the subject. ‘If I need a shrink, I promise you I’ll give one a call.’
She ignored his pointed sarcasm and waved a hand at him, her movements suspiciously exaggerated. ‘You know, it can be a great help to get out and socialise after ending a relationship.’ She took an audible breath. ‘Perhaps if you went on a couple of dates? It might give your spirits a bit of a lift.’
He stared at her in disbelief. ‘Are you serious?’
Fixing him with a cool stare, she said, ‘Totally.’
‘Yeah, well, I don’t seem to be having much luck in the dating department at the moment,’ he muttered, his mind spinning back to the way he’d crashed and burned last night when he’d drunkenly attempted to chat up a woman at the bar. Not that his heart had really been in it.
She seemed to be studying him closely now, her eyes narrowed. ‘Is that how you usually dress when you go out?’ she asked after a beat.
‘Yes,’ he replied gruffly, guessing where this was going and trying not to grind his teeth.
‘Maybe if you smartened yourself up a bit you’d have more luck.’ She waved her hand at his favourite T-shirt. ‘I always find a new outfit and a haircut does my confidence the world of good.’
He dug his fingers into his thighs under the table. ‘I happen to like the way I dress.’
She shot him a patronising smile. ‘Well, I don’t mean to be rude but your clothes look so old I suspect they’re about to get a telegram from the Queen any day now.’
A heavy pulse had begun to throb in his head. ‘Oh, really? Well, at least they have personality. You look like every other fashion victim on the street.’
She blinked at him in shock before regaining her composure. ‘At least I made an effort with my appearance today,’ she replied tightly, her words sounding more slurred now. ‘It’s clear you couldn’t care less. You didn’t even turn up on time to meet me, just left me sitting there like a lemon on my own for twenty minutes, only to turn up looking like a vagrant.’
He leaned forward in his chair, aware of his heart thumping hard against his chest, and matched her fierce gaze. ‘Look, I get it. You feel some misplaced obligation to “take me in hand” and alleviate your guilt about not being there at the end for Amy.’ He pointed a finger at her. ‘But I don’t need another sister figure and I certainly don’t need some uptight do-gooder telling me how to live my life!’
‘I’m only trying to help, Alex,’ she snapped back.
‘I don’t need your help, Flora.’
‘Is that right?’
‘Yes!’
‘Well, you know what? Since we’re being so honest with each other now, perhaps you should know that Amy really struggled with your arrogant determination to keep everyone at arm’s length,’ she bit out, the increased volume of her voice causing the couple at the next table to turn and stare at them. She seemed to have hit her stride though, so didn’t appear to notice. ‘And it was incredibly frustrating for her that you found everything you did so easy when she had to work so hard for success. Then she had to watch while you just squandered your brain and your talents when she would have killed for them!’ she hissed, her tongue obviously completely loosened now by strong cider and frustration.
Anger and guilt battled inside him. He was acutely aware of what a risk he’d taken, jacking in his steady job to follow his ambition to be a professional musician, but he didn’t need to be reminded of it right now. ‘I think what you really mean is that a slacker like me should have been the one to die, rather than my hard-working sister,’ he bit out defensively.
‘What? No!’ She looked absolutely horrified that he could even suggest that.
He sighed, feeling his conscience prick, then held up a weary hand in recognition that he’d gone a bit too far with that statement. ‘Okay, okay.’ He took a steadying breath. ‘Actually, I did know she felt like that—we talked about it before she died. But she told me to do what made me happy. She realised there was more to life than selling your soul just so you can wear overpriced designer clothes to eat at overhyped restaurants.’
Her eyes widened as if his words had hit her right in the solar plexus. ‘So now you’re having a go at me for enjoying the fruits of my success?’
He sighed in exasperation. ‘No, that’s not what I’m doing.’ A voice in the back of his mind pointed out that it was exactly what he was doing.
‘Well, it seems like it to me!’ She took a deep, juddering breath. ‘You know what? I’m going home. I know when I’m wasting my time.’ Picking up her drink, she downed the rest of it, then stood up, wobbling a little on her heels. ‘I was just trying to be friendly, Alex!’ she said in a strangled voice. With that parting shot, she spun on the spot and stormed away from him, only just avoiding stumbling into the wall on her way to the door.
Alex dropped his head into his hands and cursed under his breath.
He really shouldn’t have had a go at her like that, but when she’d started her character assassination of him something inside had snapped. He’d had just about enough of women telling him what was wrong with him.
The look of hurt on Flora’s face had brought him up short though. Clearly she was still struggling to come to terms with his sister’s sudden death and was desperately trying to find a way to give her life some meaning—by attempting to fix his.
Sighing, he got up from his chair and pulled his coat on. He couldn’t just let her storm off in that state. He at least needed to make sure she got home safely, even if she refused to speak to him again.
After giving the barmaid a wave of thanks he followed Flora out of the pub. It was cold outside and he pulled his lapels across his throat and folded his arms against the icy wind as he trudged after her lone figure, watching in alarm as she swayed along the pavement, almost bumping into a couple coming the other way. He had no idea where she lived, but he hoped it wasn’t far.
It wasn’t.
She turned into the next street along, which housed a row of grand terraces, and strode up to a pillared entrance a few doors down. Fumbling in her handbag, she pulled out a key, which she proceeded to stab at the lock.
He watched her, half amused, half exasperated, as she failed to get the key into the lock over and over again. Shaking his head, he walked up behind her and took the key from her hand, feeling her jump in surprise at his unexpected presence.
‘I don’t need your help,’ she said archly, but he ignored her, sliding the key into the lock and swinging the door open for her.
‘After you,’ he said, gesturing for her to go first, then rolling his eyes when she snatched the keys from his hand and swept past him with her head held high. This time, she managed to get the key to the inner flat into the lock on her second try. She barrelled inside, shrugging off her coat and haphazardly kicking off her shoes in the small but elegant hallway. Her whole posture was stiff now as if she was desperately trying to keep her composure under control and as he followed her inside the flat—just to make sure she wasn’t going to walk into a wall and knock herself out—he saw her shoulders slump as if she’d lost the battle.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked quietly, worried that he’d gone too far in his anger and really upset her.
She turned back to look at him and his stomach dropped at the dejection he saw in her eyes.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, surprising him with the genuine tone in her voice. He hadn’t been expecting an apology.
‘I’ve had such a terrible week. My boss doesn’t trust me to do my job properly and you think I’m annoying and stuck-up.’ She rubbed her hands over her eyes, smudging her make-up. ‘I just wanted to do something good, Alex.’
‘I know, I understand,’ he said, moving towards her.
‘I miss Amy so much.’ Her voice broke on his sister’s name and he swallowed in empathy.
‘Don’t you have other friends to talk to?’ he asked gently.
‘Yes, I have other friends! But I’ve grown apart from a lot of them since moving to the States and getting so swamped with work.’ She flapped her hand in an overly dramatic gesture that gave away just how drunk she was. ‘And anyway, none of them understand me the way that Amy did.’
Feeling out of his depth, he held up a hand, palm forward, to gesture for her to stay there. ‘I’ll get you a drink of water,’ he said, backing away to find the kitchen. After locating a clean glass in the cupboard and filling it from a bottle of mineral water in the fridge, he returned to the living room to find her pacing up and down.
He held out the glass and she took it from him with a nod of thanks.
‘She was always so good at giving it to me straight, then finding the perfect way to cheer me up,’ she said, as if needing to get it all out now that she’d started talking about Amy. ‘I need that.’ She let out a big sigh, then looked at him beseechingly. ‘Who’s going to tell me to stop getting so wound up about nothing and “take a step back and breathe” now? Who’s going to tease me about buying the exact same outfits year after year, whilst also complimenting me on my good taste? Or roll her eyes at my terrible jokes whilst also making me feel loved and respected? Who will ever understand me the way Amy did?’ she finished on a whisper, her voice heavy with pain.
He had no idea how to make things better for her so, despite his frustration, he remained silent. It didn’t seem as if Flora was really asking him for answers though. They both knew there weren’t any right now.
She cocked her head to one side and gave him a smile that was full of anguish. ‘We’re never going to see her again, Alex. How can that possibly be? She was so young; she had so much to live for. I’ll never see her cuddle the babies she wanted so desperately. She would have been such a good mother. I was going to be their favourite honorary aunt. It’s such a waste of a good life. She had so much to offer the world. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair, Alex.’
‘I know,’ he said quietly, fighting back the swell of emotion he’d kept firmly under wraps since Amy had died. He had a horrible feeling if he let it go he’d lose himself completely.
Her eyes glimmered with tears as she looked at him, shaking her head.
‘I hate the idea of moving through life without having any kind of a clue about what’s lying in wait for me. When Amy was around I felt like I could cope with that fear because she’d always be there, at my back, ready to catch me. But I’m all alone now.’ Sloshing water out of the glass with her drunken gesticulations, she put it down onto a side table next to her.
‘Yeah, I know what you mean,’ he said. And he did. It was something that terrified him too.
She put her head in her hands. ‘Oh, God, I’m sorry. I must sound so selfish. I know I’m not the only person to lose someone, but that’s how I feel when I wake up in the dark in the early hours—swamped with this cloying sense of dread and anger at the world.’ She fisted her hands and shook them as if trying to throttle her emotions.
‘Yeah, well, grief affects people in all sorts of ways.’
Looking back at him, she gazed right into his eyes, as if searching for something specific there. ‘It doesn’t seem to have affected you in the same way though. And I don’t mean that as a criticism.’ Her posture slumped now. ‘I guess I’m just a weaker person than you.’
He moved towards her, putting his hand on her shoulder.
