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He thought about Brady’s letter.
You’ve always wanted kids.
Jared had wanted to be a dad. After he and Kate first got married, she was enthusiastic about wanting kids, but they’d agreed to hold off for a couple of years to concentrate on their careers. Still he’d imagined having a family, the perfect family to go with his fantasy of the perfect marriage—two children, a fancy double stroller and a fully loaded minivan. But when Kate’s company exploded onto the PR scene, she resisted starting a family. And then the Seattle opportunity arose. He thought the promotion and transfer was a way to have the family he desired, not destroy his marriage.
Divorce.
Jared hated that word. Divorce meant failure. He hated failing or losing at anything. But there didn’t seem to be a damn thing he could do about it.
He was the first to admit they’d both made mistakes that contributed to the collapse of their marriage, but whereas Kate called the problems irreparable damage, Jared believed they could work through them. He missed Kate so much. If only she would get off the divorce kick and give their marriage a go…
Jared waited in the lobby for her. He would have preferred driving together, but she’d wanted a few minutes by herself. He didn’t like her being alone when she was tired and stressed, but he understood. Their lives had been changed completely. Whatever the future held, however, they were in this together.
“Sorry.” Kate’s steps echoed on the tile floor. “I couldn’t find a parking place.”
Her red eyes suggested she’d been crying again. He wished she would let him help her get through this. “I just got here.”
She adjusted the strap of her purse. “I hope Cassidy’s okay.”
“Don said she would be.”
“I know, but there’s okay and there’s okay.”
Her nervousness reminded him of the first time he invited her home to meet his family. She’d brought flowers and a bottle of wine. Kate had been pleasant, personable, perfect. He’d later discovered she’d bought a new outfit and had her hair done that day. Her efforts had touched him and taken their dating to a new level. Jared took her hand in his. “Let’s find out how okay Cassidy is.”
As they followed the yellow bricks painted on the floor and stepped onto the elevator hand in hand, he felt as if nothing had changed between them and they were still together. Still in love. Those had been the days.
He’d been attracted to Kate since the moment he first saw her, and that attraction had only grown once he realized her brain matched her beauty. They’d been a perfect match. The perfect couple.
He missed their conversations, even their disagreements. He missed everything about her from the sound of her laughter to the birthmark on her left shoulder. He especially missed the lovemaking. Their problems had never reached the bedroom. Yet somehow the marriage had gone wrong. Bad. But that didn’t mean it was over. Maybe he could make something new, something good happen between them to show Kate they could still be together.
He stopped at the nurse’s station. “I’m Jared Reed and this is Kate Malone. We’re here to see Cassidy Lukas.”
“I’m Rachel.” The nurse smiled. “Don Phillips said you were on the way.”
“How is she?” Kate asked.
“Cassidy is recovering well. She’s in Room 402.” The nurse picked up a file. “I’ll make a note to have the doctor speak with you.”
“Thank you,” Kate said.
The small room had a chair in one corner, a sofa bed under a bank of windows and a strange looking crib against the far wall. The four-month-old baby girl slept oblivious to them or any of the machines connected to her. Cuts—some that had been stitched—and bruises—some purple, others yellow—covered her arms and face. A white bandage was wrapped around her head.
A wave of protectiveness washed over Jared. This baby was his and Kate’s responsibility.
“She’s so beautiful,” Kate whispered with a hint of awe in her voice.
Seeing the compassion in her eyes as she stared at the baby triggered something deep within him. This—Kate, him and a baby—had been his dream.
She sighed. “Cassidy looks so much like Susan.”
He saw the resemblance especially around the mouth and eyes. “But she’s got Brady’s chin. I hope that doesn’t mean she’s as stubborn as he was.”
Kate smiled wanly. “Let’s hope not.”
He glanced around the room. A stuffed bear and a basket of flowers sat on a cart. He read the cards. The bear was from Don Phillips and his wife. The flowers from Brady’s work.
Why wasn’t the room full of flowers, balloons and cards? Where were all the visitors? Jared didn’t get it. “Why is Cassidy all alone?”
“What do you mean?” Kate asked.
When his sister Heather gave birth to her third child, his family camped out in the waiting room. “There isn’t anyone here with Cassidy. How come?”
“We’re all she has.”
“But friends. Surely Brady and Susan had some friends—”
“Who have their own families and lives,” Kate explained. “Not everyone has a family like yours, Jared. A lot of people end up in the hospital alone. Even babies.”
His mind accepted the truth of her words, but his heart and his upbringing rejected it. “That’s not right.”
“She won’t have to be alone again. We can take shifts.”
Shifts meant they wouldn’t be together. He’d been apart from Kate for so long, too long, and wanted to make the most of this time. He needed to show her they could save their marriage.
“Is something wrong?” she asked.
The sight of the baby hooked up to beeping machines gave Jared second thoughts. His needs came a poor second to hers. “You want to take the first shift? I need to meet with Don.”
Kate hung her jacket on the back of the chair, tidy as always. “That will be fine.”
But it wasn’t fine with Jared. He felt funny leaving them alone. His gaze returned to Cassidy.
“The baby will be fine, too.” Kate’s voice sounded a little strained.
He wasn’t worried only about the baby. Kate looked so tired. Jared wondered if she’d eaten lunch. He would be gone for at least a couple of hours. What if she or Cassidy needed something?
“Go.” Kate motioned to the door. “The sooner you’re named personal representative, the sooner we get guardianship.”
“If you need anything—”
“I’ll call.”
Would she? Kate, ever capable, never had called in the past. But he wouldn’t stop hoping. “Please do.”
He wondered if she heard him or if it mattered to her because she didn’t look up as he walked to the door.
“Jared.”
He turned.
“It’s been a full day and—” she moistened her lips “—please be careful.”
The concern in her voice brought a smile to his lips. Maybe she wasn’t so indifferent to him after all. Maybe he stood a chance. “I’ll be back, Kate. Just as soon as I can.”
CHAPTER THREE
AN HOUR later, Kate struggled to keep her heavy eyelids open. A sleepless night and overloaded emotions had taken their toll on both her body and her brain, but she wasn’t about to give into the exhaustion plaguing her. Not here in Cassidy’s hospital room. What if the baby woke up, and Kate didn’t hear her?
Sure, nurses came in and out with regularity, but she didn’t want to let Susan down. Or, Kate realized, Jared.
All she needed was a second wind. Stretching her arms over her head, she wiggled her fingers. Caffeine would help, but she didn’t want to leave Cassidy alone in case she woke up.
The minutes ticked by. Kate felt her head fall forward. Dazed and disoriented, she straightened. The smell screamed hospital and Kate knew where she was, but she still took in the cream-colored walls, the overhead lighting, a bed couch and a crib surrounded by noisy machines.
Cassidy.
The baby lay sound asleep. So small. So fragile.
And Kate’s responsibility.
She sat with her back straight and the balls of her feet pressed against the wall. Comfortable, no. But napping while on duty wasn’t allowed.
Despite her brave words and determination, she was terrified of doing something wrong, of being unable to care for the baby the correct way. And the last thing Kate wanted was for Jared to find her asleep on the job. He held all the cards, or in this case, the baby. She wouldn’t give him any reason to doubt her childrearing abilities.
From across the room, Kate stared at the crib. The machines lit and beeped, but the baby hadn’t moved from her earlier position. Not since the nurse had been in here before. Cassidy hadn’t made a sound, either. Unease prickled the hair at the back of Kate’s neck.
Check her.
She imagined Susan’s voice saying the words, and a heaviness weighed down on Kate. She’d lived with fear and uncertainty her entire childhood, and she’d moved beyond the two since becoming an adult. She’d put the past behind her, set goals and achieved them. But now Kate felt as if she’d been tossed into a whirlpool of doubt and confusion. She hated feeling that way again, and the million what-ifs running through her mind paralyzed her.
Kate remembered Susan telling her about checking the baby during the middle of the night to make sure Cassidy was breathing. Kate knew Susan’s fears were irrational and told her to take advantage of the free time and sleep herself. Susan had smiled, but said nothing. Now Kate understood the new mother’s anxiety. And she didn’t like it one bit.
She shifted in her chair, uncomfortable with her new needy, uncertain self.
Where was Jared? Shouldn’t he be back by now?
Kate glanced at the clock.
Darn. He’d only been gone an hour and with the paperwork that needed to be submitted to the court he wouldn’t return anytime soon. She blew out a puff of air.
Jared.
Even if they disagreed most of the time, his presence here would comfort her, distract her. Especially if he gave her one of his dimpled smiles, the kind that spread all the way to his eyes. She hadn’t seen one of those…in months. Not that she’d seen him, either.
A light blinked. Kate scanned the bank of machines. Surely if something was wrong, a monitor would sound an alarm and alert the nurse who would come running. She took a slow, deep breath.
Was this how her life would be from now on? Worried something bad would happen? Worried she would somehow fail Cassidy? Worried she would let Susan down in the worst possible way? If only Jared…
Kate shuddered. She had to stop. Now.
She didn’t need Jared. She’d survived all but five years of her life without him. He’d proven he wouldn’t stick around forever, that if she didn’t do what he wanted he would leave. The realization provided resolve and courage, both of which she needed.
She could handle this. On her own. The way she’d always done.
All Kate needed to do was check the baby. She slipped off her shoes, walked softly to the crib and peered down. The rise and fall of Cassidy’s chest brought a rush of relief. The sight of the slumbering child with a peaceful expression on her face blanketed Kate with warmth. How could something so small make her feel so good? She fought the urge to caress the baby’s smooth cheek. The last thing she wanted to do was wake the sleeping infant.
Kate stood by the crib. Watching the machines, with all those blinks and blips, would keep her busy until Jared returned. And then it would be his turn.
But she realized with unexpected clarity, her turn wouldn’t be over. Not ever again. Her life would never be the same. Cassidy would always be a part of her life and link Kate to Jared. Even after the divorce…
The implications, both past and future, swirled through her mind. There would be no tidy goodbye. No tucking the memories away and forgetting about him. No moving on without Jared a part of her life. They would spend the next eighteen years making decisions about Cassidy, a child who would rely upon them for everything—nourishment, shelter, nurturing, advice and love.
The reality of what their new responsibility entailed hit Kate full force. She stood frozen, assailed by a multitude of doubt. She and Jared couldn’t agree on what television show to watch or what they wanted for dinner on the weekends they were home together, how could they agree on what to do with Cassidy? Until she became an adult?
Kate staggered back.
What on earth had Susan been thinking?
Raising a child was nothing like baby-sitting Jared’s nieces and nephews. Kate had no idea how to be a…mom. Motherhood had been this ideal, never anything real or attainable, just something she’d tucked away in the back of her mind when she realized her days as a wife were numbered. She didn’t have a clue about being a parent. The only thing she knew was what kind of mother she didn’t want to be.
And what about Jared? He had no experience being a dad. Sure, he liked kids, but that was different from having one of your own. With his travel schedule and once they were divorced…
Staring at the baby, Kate leaned against a wall. She didn’t want to let her best friend down, but…
How in the world were she and Jared going to do this?
“How are you going to do this?” Not even a bad phone connection could mask the concern in Margery Reed’s voice.
Jared wanted to reassure his mother, but no words would come. Not when he was as unsure about this situation as the rest of his family—two of whom he could hear voicing their opinions in the background.
“Raising a child isn’t easy under the best of circumstances,” Margery continued.
She meant his marriage. Or rather, his soon-to-be lack of one. The divorce had not only caught Jared off guard, but the entire Reed clan who had encouraged him to accept the promotion and move to Seattle with the belief Kate would follow him. Jared had assumed the same, that he was more important than her career. He’d assumed wrong.
“Being a single parent is going to be hard on Kate.”
“Don’t worry, Mom.” Especially since he was the one who would end up with Cassidy, but he wasn’t about to drop that bombshell on them yet. “We’ll figure something out. Reeds always come out on top.”
“You sound like your father.”
“And Grandpa.” A flashing sign caught Jared’s attention. The Burger Barn. It was dinnertime. He doubted Kate had eaten. She needed to put some weight back on. He pulled into the parking lot and lined up behind a red pickup truck in the drive-thru line. “You remember what Grandpa said. Second place is for everyone else.”
Margery laughed. “You’ll be saying the same thing to Cassidy before you know it.”
An invisible weight pressed down on Jared. He had a good job and made recommendations to clients who would invest millions of dollars in companies based on his word, but that kind of responsibility was different than the parental kind. “Yeah. I guess I will.”
“Chin up, Jared,” Margery ordered. “You’ll be a great dad.”
