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Break-Up Club: A smart, funny novel about love and friendship
Lorelei Mathias
'You'd be DAFT to miss out on this fab book – it's blimmin' marvellous! I LOVED IT' Miranda DickinsonTHERE’S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO BE SINGLE . . .Holly Braithwaite and loveable loser Lawrence have been together for five years. But the obvious cracks in their relationship can no longer be ignored and Holly soon finds herself saying ‘it’s not me, it’s you’.In the shock aftermath of their break up, Holly finds unlikely companions in Olivia, Harry and Bella. Together, they form the Break-up Club, as they support each other through their mutual melancholy and find ways to love, laugh and function as human beings again.Break-up Club meets every Sunday. Each week, as the comedy and drama unfolds, they discover a new BUC ‘rule’. And, one by one, the rules become vital markers on their journey to recovery . . .‘BREAK-UP CLUB’To our members, we’re the first emergency service
LORELEI MATHIAS
Break-Up Club
A division of HarperCollinsPublishers
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
MAZE
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd
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www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers 2016 as Reader, I Dumped Him …
This edition published by HarperCollins Publishers 2016
Copyright © Lorelei Mathias 2016
Cover design by Holly Macdonald © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2016
Cover illustrations © Shutterstock.com (http://www.Shutterstock.com)
Lorelei Mathias asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition © May 2016 ISBN: 9780008202330
Version: 2017-01-09
This book is dedicated to:
Katie and Mark
The memory of my Dad and Evie
And anyone, anywhere, who has ever had a break up.
Table of Contents
Cover (#ud7957cec-d660-5515-800c-df75ca299d05)
Title Page (#ub345e3c9-d624-5168-ba47-eae655733590)
Copyright (#ud91d4b5c-63e8-50e5-a0b8-85e13ba08b1a)
Dedication (#u31ea964c-545b-5d92-91e3-550525fe4489)
Prologue (#u639208cd-a1fa-5271-af61-e869efd09132)
The Rules of Break-Up Club – ‘to Our Members, We’re the First Emergency Service’. (#u576cb552-730c-50b4-b734-32cdbba34ae1)
Part One (#u76492975-d083-5619-a23c-366ec9c947c8)
1. Tunnel Vision (#ub918e99c-185d-5aef-b0bc-4d8c07a1b04f)
2. Airbrushing (#uec913fa9-80ca-513b-8ff7-4afa770ee349)
3. Holloway (#u6bc294a2-457a-58f3-96dd-2bab75679f8f)
4. Habana (#u312092c5-0e77-5c6a-8cf4-ba9a0b7e8850)
5. Unexpected Item in the Bagging Area (#ub2194799-4bc8-5b41-b804-6711c67a4c26)
6. Recalculating (#u364567d4-523b-5323-81de-5f878e26fbd1)
7. Break-Up and Smell the Coffee (#ue10a10a1-c391-51ea-83c9-b6c2015e7282)
8. Don’t u… 4Get About Me (#u04a61e3a-9373-5849-ba56-e956097880b9)
Part Two (#u363c211f-bb39-54bf-9e6d-523bb5f506f2)
9. And Then There Were Four (#u6c2df515-6f89-54b5-8466-2553277c796e)
10. The Cistern Chapel (#ufcecc22e-7807-5f0e-a1e1-b91abfd7725e)
11. Love Don’t Live Here Anymore (#ue8ce33dd-f336-54bc-96fa-2e9c8d4609f9)
12. Status Anxiety (#u380b795d-488c-5613-a669-859f6402e642)
13. Friday, I’m Not in Love (#u943a3ac6-9452-53dd-ab83-ec3851bfd21b)
14. Bang and the Pain Is Gone (#ud7e455c3-4120-5dc1-96eb-9693b9d9f12b)
15. Niche Quiche (#u36130101-1b1c-5e55-a3e6-e1f196bb74e9)
16. Like Buses (#u4c876297-8f7e-555a-9fee-41db13ffe650)
17. When the Night Meets the Morning Sun (#u222a4841-7a81-5cdb-8160-66d8dd831d20)
18. Back in the Foetal Position (#ub25d2700-f13f-5ed9-ac29-01967c905300)
19. Bang on Trend (#u98444e4d-6130-5faf-acf8-84ea1d8670da)
20. When Harry Met Holly (#ua3b058a3-f024-555a-a79a-e082ee3291ef)
21. She Who Is Tired of London (#u11ad479a-d2f0-57e4-a684-795a29efbda7)
22. Departures (#u20a60737-d628-5340-927b-5b68663d63d3)
23. Bleak Camping (#uf75c3ea5-dade-542c-a07c-cc84fcb12587)
24. Leaving on a Jet Plane (#u807e04e5-3cca-5588-b6d6-c4debc9d65c5)
25. Somebody That I Used to Know (#u781f54ee-c102-5ee2-b024-c7643e8382c8)
26. Eating for Two (#u3e03a4c5-8e58-549d-9618-4da96072c71a)
Part Three (#u8c1f26fd-7694-5018-b480-68c32022ffe1)
27. Here’s What You Could’ve Won (#uff95e8b1-0ef2-573c-b079-de583dff353e)
28. Mind the Gap (#uc97dcc1f-ad64-5c3a-b5cf-cb9f598e31c8)
29. Forrest Grump (#u0958d8d6-cab0-560b-8474-dced9d09c96d)
30. The ex-Orcist (#u325542b3-4b61-5e88-8767-bc95c6b4a11b)
31. Ctrl Alt Del Ldn (#u598a6f64-884e-52ab-be33-e6a013856c13)
32. Out With the Old (#u37cb7c4f-7df2-513c-955b-a0cdf3fec0c4)
33. Resolutions (#u0a1eeb3b-788f-53a0-8196-a33abe2ab416)
34. Broke-Up Club (#ud73d7b8c-c8cb-5b69-954e-cd6466831313)
35. Traffic Wardens (#ud06e3858-c136-5274-8429-3574bbc90fc8)
36. Alight Here (#u9ee2749d-6dff-58f1-bd77-98e27d5f5d1d)
Epilogue (#udc0b588a-9dc3-5d74-8778-40060fa74dad)
Reader, I Left Him (#uee525567-2614-5cec-9f2b-f1c475005954)
‘Out-Breaks’ – Scenes From the Cutting-Room Floor (#ud897a617-9d10-528a-837d-37709f188cdf)
Acknowledgements (#u283e78e3-312b-51f3-96dd-b5e4fbaee09e)
About the Author (#ua349808c-6fe7-5adb-873c-f469b12de4da)
About the Publisher (#u48d1eccf-c926-5108-93f3-4f598e240c97)
Prologue (#u13142acd-0c64-5b9e-9ff8-4c77e6ff4bcb)
‘What does not kill me makes me stronger’
(Nietzsche)*
* just how many break ups did you have, Freddy?
The Rules of Break-up Club – ‘To our members, we’re the first emergency service’. (#u13142acd-0c64-5b9e-9ff8-4c77e6ff4bcb)
#1 – The first rule of Break-up Club is, you do not talk about Break-up Club.
#2 – The second rule of Break-up Club is, you do not talk about Break-up Club with your ex.
#3 – If this is your first night at Break-up Club, you will be expected to cry.
Uncontrollably.
#4 – Meetings take place once a week, every Sunday.
#5 – Each member must be prepared to perform Initiation (otherwise known as Brunch Duty). You shall deliver croissants and a smile to the residence of a new recruit on their First Weekend As A Singleton.
#6 – No Face-Stalking. Exes should be de-friended no later than 48 hours after a break-up. Phone numbers should be deleted or re-saved under the name ‘Don’t Answer’.
#7 – Members must be prepared to drop everything in the event of a Crisis Meeting. Common triggers range from a member relapsing with an ex, to an outbreak of F.I.H. (Facebook-Induced Hysteria).
#8 – Members must be willing to accept phone calls from co-members at any time of day or night, and talk them down from the bridge.
#9 – Hook-ups between co-members are strictly prohibited.
#10 – For their own protection, members must respect the N.G.Z. (No-Go Zones) imposed by a break-up. N.G.Z.s fall into three categories – Locational, Musical and Gifting. However, your ex does not have long-term sole custody of Bob Dylan or Streatham Hill, and a time will come when you’ll be able to assert the first major bastion of Break-up Club (BUC) law: The Reclaim.
#11 – Understand the two absolutes of break-ups:
i) Eventually, you will be OK. You will recover.
ii) You absolutely cannot imagine ever feeling OK again. Ever.
Signed: Bella, Olivia, Harry
249A Fortess Road, Tufnell Park, London.
*
