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“Here,” he says, and hands me a plastic shopping bag that I can feel contains a smallish box, and I get my hopes up even further.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that nobody proposes by handing over a ring box in a plastic shopping bag.
Here’s my thought: Jack isn’t the most traditionally romantic guy in the world. I wouldn’t put it past him to give me—
“A Chia Pet?” I say incredulously, pulling it out of the bag.
“I saw it and thought of you.”
“Really.”
It’s a small gnome. A gnome that will presumably sprout a green Afro.
For a moment, all I can do is stare at it.
Then, knowing I might regret it, I ask, “Why did you think of me?”
“Because you were just talking about how gray and dreary and dead everything is now that summer is over,” he says, and I can tell by his expression that he didn’t think it was this lame a few seconds ago, before he opened his big fat unromantic mouth.
I’m trying to think of something nice to say to bail him out, but all I can come up with is, “Um, thanks.”
“I just figured it would be nice to see something green and growing.”
“It will be.” A gnome with green, growing hair. How…nice.
“Sorry,” he says. “I guess it was a stupid idea.”
“No,” I tell him, feeling sorry for the poor clod. “It was really…sweet.”
I pretend to admire my Chia Pet. Then, when enough time seems to have passed, I put it on the table.
“All I want to do now,” Jack says, sitting down beside me and taking off his shoes, “is put on sweats, order take-out pizza and watch the Mets get clobbered in their playoff game.”
“Oops,” I say.
“What?” He looks at me suspiciously. “Don’t tell me the cable is out.”
“No…but you’re close.”
“How close? Is the picture fuzzy?”
“No, Raphael is coming over to play Trivial Pursuit. We’re making paella. He’ll be here in fifteen minutes.”
Jack has the courtesy not to groan at that news, but I can tell he wants to.
“How is that close to the cable being out?” he wants to know.
“You know…you can’t get more ‘out’ than Raphael,” I crack.
Jack clearly isn’t the least bit amused.
It isn’t that he doesn’t like my friend Raphael, because everyone likes Raphael. Well, maybe not everyone.
Chances are, your average homophobic red-stater isn’t going to appreciate a bawdy, wisecracking male fashionista. But in this little corner of the world, everyone—including Jack—likes Raphael.
That doesn’t mean he prefers Pursuit and Paella to Pizza and Piazza. Still…
“You hate the Mets,” I remind him.
“Right. And I want to witness them die.”
Is it my imagination, or is that hint of viciousness directed at me?
“Sorry,” I say with a shrug. “But you can still watch the game. Raphael and I will be quiet.”
He snorts at that. “Trace, Raphael isn’t even quiet in his sleep.”
He’s right. We shared a room with him at Kate and Billy’s Hamptons share in July and the air was fraught with deafening snores and anguished—or perhaps libidinous—shrieks. I probably should have thought to warn Jack that Raphael talks in his sleep. And that he sleeps in the nude.
“Well, lucky you, he isn’t sleeping over tonight,” I tell Jack.
“Yeah, lucky me. I’m going to change into my sweats.”
“Sweats?”
“What’s wrong with sweats?”
“Sweats are just too…”
“Too…what?” he asks. “Too comfortable? Too hetero? Too…?”
“Dumpy. I mean, come on, Jack, we’re having company. And you know how Raphael is. He’ll be dressed up.”
“So you want me to dig out my feather boa and hot pants so he and I can be twins?”
I have to laugh. “No, just at least wear jeans, okay?”
“Is a sweatshirt out of the question?”
“Only if you were planning to wear the hooded one with the broken zipper and the bleach stain on the front.”
I can tell by his expression that he was.
“What’s wrong with that one?” he asks. “Too dumpy?”
“Too Unabomber.”
He scowls.
“Don’t be mad, Jack. Come on. Cheer up. Do you want to invite somebody over, too?” I ask in my best toddler-soothing voice, thinking maybe poor Jackie wants a playdate, too.
“Like who?”
“How about Mitch?”
Mitch is one of his college buddies who recently moved to Manhattan and doesn’t know many people yet. I keep meaning to fix him up with one of my friends, because it’s a sin to let a cute single guy go to waste in this town.
“I can’t invite Mitch,” says Jack, who needless to say doesn’t share my views on cute single guys going to waste.
“Why not? He’s probably sitting home alone.”
“That’s better than being pounced on by a horny queen who thinks every single guy in New York is secretly closeted.”
“Horny queen?” I echo ominously. “That’s really mean, Jack.”
“It’s also how Raphael described himself in the last personals ad he ran.”
That’s right. He did. And he meant it in a most complimentary way.
He got a ton of responses, too.
“Don’t you remember what happened when you invited Raphael over the night Jeff was in town?” Jeff is an old frat brother of Jack’s.
Feigning Alzheimer’s, I ask, “No, what happened?”
“For starters, Raphael gave him a lap dance.”
“Oh, yeah.” I shrug. “I guess you won’t be inviting anyone over tonight, then.”
“I guess not. You’re lucky I’m staying home at all.”
I’m lucky he’s staying home? Is it me, or should he be wearing a wife beater and belching down canned beer when he says something like that?
“I’m going to change,” he says, planting a cozy little kiss on my nose, and I promptly decide to let him off the hook.
You can’t really blame a guy for being a little cranky under the circumstances. In fact, how many straight live-in boyfriends would shave, and put on a nice polo shirt and clean jeans for a horny queen?
That’s exactly what Jack does.
He emerges from the bathroom in a mist of air freshener just as I’m about to open the door for Raphael.
“Is that Lysol?” I ask, sniffing.
“Room spray. Gristedes was out of Lysol.”
“Snoopy Sniffer is going to comment,” I warn him.
Raphael’s nose is even more discriminating about scents—good and bad—than he is about fashion.
Jack shrugs, and I open the door.
First, I should point out that with his Latin good looks, Raphael is a dead ringer for Ricky Martin. Rather, Ricky Martin is a dead ringer for Raphael because, as Raphael likes to say, he himself is still hotter than hot and Ricky is more over than pink tweed bouclé.
I should also point out that Raphael is dressed in red from head to toe this fine evening. Red leather jacket, tight red T-shirt, tight red jeans, and—
“Are those red patent-leather spats?” I ask. Ay carumba.
“Yes!” Raphael shouts joyously, and strikes a toe-pointing pose. “Tracey, do you love?”
“Hmm…” I tilt my head. “I could possibly grow to love. Where did you get them?”
“Either I bought them off a folding table on the Bowery, or at JCPenney when I was in Missouri on business last year. I forget which.”
“My money’s on the Bowery,” Jack says dryly, draping an arm over my shoulders.
“Mmm, I think it was Penney’s,” Raphael says decisively, and heads toward our kitchenette toting a couple of grocery bags.
“What did you bring?” I wriggle from Jack’s embrace and follow him.
“Everything we need for paella, including rum.”
“Rum goes into paella?”
“No, Tracey, the rum goes into us. We’re making mojitos. Oh!” He smacks his head. “I forgot something at the spice market. I knew I would.”
“What is it?” I ask, opening the narrow cupboard where we keep your basic salt, cinnamon and garlic powder. “Maybe we have it.”
I have no idea what we have, since this has become mostly Jack’s domain. It’s not that I don’t cook, or can’t cook. It’s just that ever since he cooked for me on one of our very significant first dates, it’s become our little tradition.
“I need saffron,” Raphael reveals. “Got any?”
I glance at Jack, who’s lingering on the outskirts of the kitchen because three adults can’t fit within the perimeter unless one of them is a waif.
“No saffron,” Jack informs Raphael.
“Jack!” Did I mention Raphael’s conversational style is liberally sprinkled with exclamation points and people’s first names? “Do you want to double-check? Maybe you have a smidge left somewhere.”
“Nope. I haven’t bought a smidge of saffron since…hmm, let me think—ever. Can your recipe do without?”
“It can, but…well, that’s kind of like making marinara sauce without tomatoes,” he says dramatically.
Moment of silence.
What to do, what to do…
Jack asks, “Would they have it at the Korean grocer?”
“Probably.”
