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It was like an awful mantra resounding in her head. Biting on her bottom lip to fight the sting of tears, Clara could feel her face reddening with the effort of not crying. She wished they’d all just leave her alone. Go and do whatever needed to be done on a Saturday morning and let her get on with her day.
Let her get on with her life.
A life without Kell.
‘If the Flying Doctors haven’t come by the time the balls starts, Irene can still watch him and give me a call when they get here. We’ll hear the plane coming in anyway. It will only take half an hour or so to hand over.’
‘But, Ross…’ Shelly protested.
They were all on the floor, kneeling down and pretending not to notice Clara’s red face and shaking hands.
‘No buts,’ Ross said firmly, standing up and shuffling the mass of papers into a pile that would take for ever to sort out. ‘Have you told Bill’s daughter the news?’
Clara shook her head, grateful for the change of subject. ‘I’ve been ringing all morning but I can’t get through.’
‘No doubt she’s out on the farm. It’s probably best someone tells her face to face, given that she’s pregnant and everything. I might head over now. Do you want to come, Timothy?’
‘Where do they live?’
‘Just out of town.’
Timothy gave a small grimace. ‘Which in the outback means a couple of hours’ drive. Sorry, Ross, would it be a terrible career move if I turned you down, given that I’ve just spent the last twenty-four hours bumping along in my ute to get here?’
‘Of course not.’ Ross laughed. ‘I just feel guilty, leaving you on your own on your first morning here. Shelly’s got a hairdresser’s appointment, Kell and Abby are off duty…’
‘I’ll be fine,’ Timothy said assuredly. ‘A shower and a sleep are top of my list at the moment. Still…’ those green eyes turned to Clara, who was attempting to fashion Bill’s notes into some sort of order ‘…I wouldn’t say no to a quick guided tour of the clinic, if Clara doesn’t mind. I’d hate for something to happen and not have a clue where anything’s kept.’
‘Good idea,’ Ross said enthusiastically, obviously thrilled to have Timothy on board. ‘You don’t mind, do you, Clara?’
There it was again, the automatic assumption that she’d come good. ‘You don’t mind’ was up there with ‘I hate to ask’ and Clara’s personal favourite, ‘Oh, Clara will do it’.
Well, she did mind.
Right now she wanted some peace, wanted to sort out Bill’s notes, wanted some time to gather her thoughts and figure out what on earth she was going to do, not hold yet another new doctor’s hand and show another fleeting visitor the ropes, only to have them leave again.
Of course she didn’t say as much. Instead, she nodded, her clear blue eyes briefly meeting Timothy’s. ‘Sure, I’d be happy to.’
‘Great.’
‘Sorry about this,’ Timothy ventured once they were alone. ‘I’m sure you’ve got a million and one things to do without taking me around. It’s just that I went for an interview at a bush hospital up in Queensland when I first came to Australia. I got there early, as you do for interviews, and a patient went and had a cardiac arrest while I was sitting outside the interview room.’
Clara was only half listening as she pushed open the coffee-room doors and pointed in the vague direction of the staff kitchen before heading towards the main work area. Timothy’s backpacking stories really held no interest for her.
‘Anyway, it turns out I was so early the doctor interviewing me wasn’t in the hospital yet.’
‘Really?’ Clara said distractedly, turning up the volume on Bill’s cardiac monitor before she crossed the room as Timothy hovered annoyingly over her right shoulder, watching her every move. ‘I’ll take you though to our treatment room.’
‘So there I was, going over my interview technique, the ink on my medical certificate barely dry, and this nurse came running up.’
‘Two beds,’ Clara said, pushing open the heavy back swing doors as Timothy carried on nattering. ‘This sometimes doubles as a second resuscitation area if we get a major incident…’ Her voice trailed off in mid-sentence and she turned around sharply. ‘You were the only doctor in the hospital?’
‘Barely a doctor, really.’ Timothy nodded as Clara’s mouth fell open. ‘I came to Australia as soon as I finished med school—I hadn’t even had my new cheque books delivered.’ He watched a frown pucker her freckled face. ‘One of life’s better moments.’ Timothy smiled. ‘Ringing up the bank and asking them to change the Mr to Dr. You’d be amazed how that surly voice on the other end of the phone changes when they realise your rather shaky bank balance is in for some serious improvement.’
‘But you’re too…’ Snapping her mouth closed, Clara didn’t finish her sentence, but Timothy had already got the gist.
‘Too old to be an intern?’ he finished for her with a grin. ‘I was a mature student. In fact, a student’s practically all I’ve ever been. I spent three years at uni fiddling around doing a business and finance degree, then two months out in the big wide world made me realise the family business just wasn’t for me. They’re financial planners.’ Timothy grimaced. ‘My parents get the same thrill watching the stock market that I get watching a cardiac monitor.’
Clara laughed, actually laughed. ‘Sounds as if you could use some financial planning yourself.’
But Timothy just shook his head. ‘Heaven forbid. Sure, I could ring them up and ask them to wire me some money but I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.’ He gave a grim smile. ‘There’s the rest of my life to worry about mortgage payments and retirement funds. When I get back to England I’m hoping to study to become a surgeon so there’s years of being sensible ahead, but for now I intend to enjoy myself, despite my parents’ objections.’
Clara sensed the edge of his voice but chose not to push. ‘So what happened?’ She registered his frown. ‘At your interview in Queensland?’
‘Oh, that!’ Timothy grinned, his easy smile back in place now. ‘Well, this nurse comes rushing up and tells me that Mr Forbes in bed four has gone into a cardiac arrest.’
‘So what did you do?’ There was impatience to her voice, which Timothy seemed not to notice.
‘Well, for starters I asked just where bed four was, and while she was at it would she mind telling me who the hell Mr Forbes was and, perhaps more pointedly, if there was another doctor in the house.’
‘But what did you do with the patient?’ Clara pushed, genuinely enthralled now, as any nurse would have been at such a story. ‘What on earth happened?’
‘I took a crash course in crash calls.’ He laughed. ‘Thank heavens I watch ER. I was giving out orders, calling out to charge the defibrillator, massaging Mr Forbes’s chest. I even intubated him.’
‘Really?’ Clara asked, suitably impressed, but Timothy shrugged modestly.
‘I’d had a few goes in Theatre.’
‘But still,’ Clara enthused. ‘There’s a big difference between the controlled setting of Theatre with an anaesthetist over your shoulder and running your first cardiac arrest on your own. You did really well.’
‘Not that well,’ Timothy groaned. ‘The patient died.’
‘Ouch.’
‘And I didn’t get the job.’
‘But why?’ Clara protested. ‘That’s so unfair.’
‘That’s life.’ Timothy shrugged. ‘Someone smarter, with more experience, got in first.’
‘I know the feeling,’ Clara muttered.
‘Sorry?’
‘It doesn’t matter. Come on, I’ll show you around properly, though hopefully there won’t be any repeats.’ They walked around the theatre, Clara pointing things out, flicking machines on and off and taking Timothy through the resuscitation trolley, even surprising herself by pursuing a conversation with him.
‘So, which hospital did you end up in?’
‘Adelaide.’
‘But that’s the other end of the country,’ Clara pointed out.
‘And I took my time getting there, let me tell you.’
‘Maybe later.’ Clara grinned. ‘I do actually have some work to do.’
‘Sorry, I tend to go on a bit, but despite my poverty I’ve just about saved up enough money to head back to Queensland when I’m finished here and do the next level diving course.’
‘You’ve already done one?’
‘Two,’ Timothy replied. ‘It was amazing. You should see some of the photos I’ve taken of the barrier reef—I’ll show you some time. Have you been there?’
Clara shook her head. ‘I haven’t been anywhere. Apart from three years in Adelaide to study nursing, I’ve never been away from here. It sounds wonderful, though. I’ve heard it’s stunning.’
‘Oh, it is and nothing beats seeing it at first hand. Our diving instructor gave us some food to take down. The fish actually come and feed out of your hands—I even saw a shark not six feet away.’
‘Don’t,’ Clara yelped. ‘I’d die.’
‘I nearly did,’ Timothy responded, his eyes widening in fear just at the memory. ‘Apparently if you ignore them they’ll ignore you, but I must have used up half my air tank I was hyperventilating so much. You should do it some day, take off and backpack around this amazing land. It’s been the best year of my life.’
‘I’d love to,’ Clara admitted, ‘but I can’t see it happening. I can barely get a night off to go to the ball. Can you imagine Ross and Shelly if I asked for a whole year?’
‘Don’t ask.’ Timothy shrugged. ‘Just do it.’
‘Easier said than done.’ Looking up, she realised Timothy was waiting for her to elaborate. ‘The clinic used to be tiny, just one room and one theatre, when I started. But since Ross and Shelly came last year it’s really grown. Ross is totally committed to the place, he’s for ever lobbying for more staff and more funds and for the most part it’s worked. The closed-off area is yet another extension and when that’s completed we’re going to be upgraded from a clinic to a bush hospital. There’s going to be two wards and a proper delivery suite, which will be great, of course, but the trouble is the staff ratio hasn’t exactly kept up with the patients so far. Kell and I do most of it between us, Shelly pitches in when she can, but she’s got a new baby and a three-year-old to take care of. She wants to be at home with her babies and, frankly, I don’t blame her. Matthew, her three-year-old, has got Down’s syndrome,’ Clara explained, but Timothy just nodded.
‘I know.’
‘So her hands are full already, without taking on a load of extra shifts.’
‘So it all falls on you?’
‘And Kell,’ Clara said quickly, but when Timothy just stared back at her she let out a low sigh. ‘Mainly me at the moment,’ she admitted. They were in the storeroom now, out of earshot of Bill, so Clara was able to be honest. ‘We don’t normally have inpatients, at least not for more than a couple of nights, but Bill didn’t want to be transferred and he was too sick to go home…’
‘And, of course, Kell was busy with Abby,’ Timothy said perceptively. ‘So it all came down to you. You are allowed to have a life, too, you know.’
‘It’s not that bad,’ Clara protested. ‘It’s just been a bit full on these past few weeks.’
‘You should take some time off, I bet you’ve got heaps owing. Go and see this magical land of yours. I know that’s what I’ll be doing once I’ve done my three-month stint here. When I’ve got my advanced diver’s certificate I’ll be able to take tourists out to the reef myself. I’ve got a two-year working holiday visa and I intend to use every last day of it. Diving’s great.’
‘There’s not much ocean in Tennengarrah,’ Clara needlessly pointed out.
‘Then I’ll just have to stick to medicine while I’m here, I guess.’ He was smiling at her and, what was more amazing given her mood only twenty minutes earlier, Clara was smiling back, only this time it wasn’t forced or awkward. This time it seemed the most natural thing in the world. ‘Thanks for the tour and by the way…’ He was walking out now, heading for the door as Clara turned back to Bill’s notes. ‘I still want that dance.’
‘So Cinderella shall go to the ball after all.’
The sound of Bill’s voice filling the silence made Clara jump. Crossing the room, she smiled at her patient as she wrapped the blood-pressure cuff around his arm.
‘You were supposed to be asleep.’
‘Everyone would have stopped talking if I’d opened my eyes. It’s nice to hear a bit of a gossip.’
Bill had been lying in a state of lethargic depression for weeks now, and Clara was so relieved to see his familiar, kind eyes with a bit of sparkle back in them that her own worries flew out of the window. After checking his obs, she perched on the edge of his bed for a little chat.
‘It’s good to have you back, Bill.’
‘It’s good to be back. Now that I’ve finally decided to go ahead and have the bypass I feel better.’
‘You’ll feel even better when you’ve had the operation. Not at first, of course, but after a month or two you’ll be a new man, Bill. I’m sure you’ve made the right choice.’
‘I hope so.’ She could see the glimmer of fear in his eyes and instinctively Clara put her hand over his and gave it a small squeeze. ‘You’re a good girl, Clara,’ Bill said as he gripped her hand back. ‘Ross, Kell, Shelly, Abby, they’re all great and everything, but you’re one in a million, do you know that?’
‘Stop getting maudlin.’ Clara blushed, but Bill wouldn’t let up.
‘I remember when your parents died. One of Tennengarrah’s blackest days it was. We were all so worried about you, wondering what would become of you. Just fifteen years old and with no one to take care of you…’
‘I had loads of people,’ Clara broke in. ‘Everyone helped.’
‘Still, a lot of fifteen-year-olds would have gone off the rails. But not you. You put your head down and got on with it, didn’t you? Really made something of yourself. The whole town’s so proud of you, Clara. You’re a true Tennengarrah girl.’
‘So is Kell,’ Clara pointed out, trying not to linger on his name too long, trying to have a normal conversation without betraying the agony in her heart. It wasn’t too hard to do. After all, she’d been hiding her feelings where Kell was concerned for years, it came almost as naturally as breathing. ‘He’s a guy, of course, but he’s a local, too.’
‘For how long, though?’
On any other day and under any other circumstance she’d have managed a shrug or a smile, managed to carry on talking as if she didn’t have a care in the world, as if Kell Bevan was just another friend and colleague. Only today she couldn’t do it.
Today as Clara sat in the still, quiet ward with her one and only patient, something that felt suspiciously like a tear pricked her eye as Bill carried on talking.
‘This is hard on you, isn’t it, Clara?’
‘What do you mean?’ Confused, she shook her head, went to pull her hand away, but Bill gripped it tighter and those kind eyes stared back at her thoughtfully.
‘Kell’s a bit more than just a friend to you, isn’t he?’
Aghast, Clara’s eyes widened, her mouth opening to let out a small wail of protest, but Bill moved quickly to reassure her.
‘No one knows, so don’t be embarrassed. I’ve known you all your life, you’re like a second daughter to me, but even I didn’t have a clue. You’ve always just been Kell and Clara, two school kids, two mates and later two nurses. I never even realised until a couple of weeks ago how you felt. But watching the two of you working together, how your whole face lights up when he comes in the room, how difficult it’s been for you when Abby’s around, well, I guess something just clicked in my head. You do care for him, don’t you?’
It was pointless denying it, pointless when tears were streaming down her face as her old mate Bill gently held her hand.
Bill wasn’t just a patient—he was friend, a surrogate uncle. Endless nights had been spent in the cosy womb of his kitchen after her parents had died. Bill and his beloved wife had taken her under their wing, the whole town had, in fact, ensuring she’d always felt loved. Cheering her on through her school exams then later welcoming her back with open arms when finally she’d got her nursing degree.
Lying to Bill wasn’t an option.
‘I was going to tell him how I felt tonight,’ Clara whispered. ‘I knew he was seeing Abby, but I really didn’t think it was that serious. I thought she was just another girlfriend, that she’d move on in a couple of weeks and things would be back to normal, and now it would seem that they’re getting engaged.’
‘She hasn’t said yes yet,’ Bill pointed out.
‘Oh, she will,’ Clara said ruefully. ‘And deep down I know that it’s right. They love each other, they’re really well suited. It’s just so hard to take it all in…’
