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‘Prepared,’ Ross finished with a laugh. ‘Super Nurse Shelly Weaver, prepared for any eventuality.’
‘Not quite.’ The smile was fading now and Shelly took a sip of her drink, eternally grateful to Ross for bringing it over, glad for something to do with her hands.
‘Did you find out what the sex of the baby is, then? Or are you going to keep us all in suspense?’
‘Sorry?’ Shelly looked up, startled, sure she must have misheard him.
‘You said were going to find out what you were having when you had your scan. Come on, you can tell me. I’m leaving so it won’t get out.’ He was still smiling, his grin so broad and his face so innocent Shelly truly thought he couldn’t have heard the news.
‘I found out a bit more than the sex.’ Shelly took another long drink, wiping away her cola moustache with the back of her hand as Ross just stood there patiently waiting for her to explain. ‘The scan showed up some anomalies,’ Shelly continued, her voice faltering every now and then as she spoke. ‘And after further tests the upshot is that I’m going to have a Down’s syndrome baby, or a special needs child, or whatever the latest buzz word is for it at the moment.’ Her green eyes shot up to his and the tears that were always appallingly close these days sparkled as they brimmed, ready to splash onto her cheeks. The bitter note in her voice was so out of place in her normal sunny nature even Shelly looked shocked at the venom in her voice. ‘I’m surprised you hadn’t heard already. News normally spreads like wildfire around here.’
‘Melissa told me,’ Ross said simply. ‘I’m sorry for what you’re going through. How are you managing?’
‘Fine,’ Shelly said through gritted teeth. ‘It’s not as if I have any choice but to manage.’
‘And Neil?’ Ross probed, ignoring her obvious desire to end the conversation.
‘Not so fine.’ Suddenly her paper cup was coming under intense scrutiny as Shelly fiddled with it in her hands. ‘Neil likes to be in control, likes to have choices, a say in things. He’s having trouble taking in the fact that no amount of second opinions or dollar-waving is going to change the outcome of this pregnancy.’
‘But he’s supporting you?’
Shelly gave a very short, very brittle laugh. ‘Is that what you call it?’ As soon as the words were out Shelly wished she could somehow erase them. Moaning about Neil, no matter how merited, no matter what the circumstances, seemed wrong somehow, but Ross didn’t seem fazed by her outburst. Instead he pulled the shredded cup from her hand, his eyes never leaving her face.
‘I shouldn’t have said that,’ Shelly mumbled as Ross stood there patiently, waiting for her to elaborate.
‘Why not?’ Ross asked simply, when no explanation was given.
‘I just shouldn’t have said anything, that’s all.’ She was almost biting through her lip in an effort to keep the tears back, and had the exit door not been located on the other side of the room Shelly would have turned and left there and then. She hadn’t come here for this. A quick goodbye was all she’d intended, and now here she was on the verge of letting five days of tortured anxiety burst forth and blubbering like an idiot in front of everyone.
‘Oh, Shelly, I’m sorry.’ His voice was suddenly serious, the tone directly hitting the final straw of Shelly’s reserves. As one large tear rolled onto her cheek a strong arm pulled around her thickened waist as he gently led her out of the playroom and into a small annexe where they stood alone and for the first time in days Shelly felt free to let the emotions she had held in check so painfully finally flow as Ross’s gentle voice gently gave her permission to continue. ‘Talk to me, Shelly. I know I’m going, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care. I know there’s nothing I can say, but I can listen.’
‘There’s nothing anyone can say. I’m sick of seeing the pity in people’s eyes, sick of everyone adding up how many weeks pregnant I am in their heads and wondering if it’s too late for me to have a termination. It’s my baby.’ Tears were streaming unchecked now. ‘It’s my baby and I don’t want to get rid of him. So he’s not going to perfect! It doesn’t mean I don’t want him. I should still be allowed to love him.’
‘It’s a boy, then?’
His words were so calm it stilled her, and as she looked up Shelly saw that he was smiling.
‘Congratulations.’
‘You mean that?’
‘Of course I do, Shelly. You’re going to have a beautiful little boy and you’re going to be a fabulous mum. Yes, he’s going to have some problems, need some extra care, but if ever there was a woman who could give a child that then it’s you. It might all seem a jumble now, but you’ll work it out.’
‘Do you really think so?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Ross said emphatically. ‘I know so. You and Neil will deal with this.’
‘What I said before, about Neil, I mean. I was just letting off a bit of steam. He’s upset, which is understandable. It’s hard for him too. All the dreams he had, we had, have just suddenly gone.’ She gave a small laugh, trying to lighten the loaded silence around them. ‘I think Neil had our baby pegged to be Prime Minister one day.’
‘What’s the population of Australia?’
Shelly had no idea where he was leading, no idea where he’d plucked that question from, but her mind whirred away from her problems for a millisecond as she struggled with her appalling general knowledge. ‘About twenty million, at least I think that’s what it is.’
‘The odds weren’t great, then.’
Shelly’s forehead creased as she tried to fathom where Ross was leading. ‘What on earth are you going on about?’
‘If you factor in the rising population, increased immigration, well, suffice it to say…’ His hand moved forward, gently reaching the soft swell of her stomach as Shelly stood smiling at his strange logic. ‘This baby was never going to be Prime Minster. But you can still have dreams for him, Shelly, still cherish his life.’ His hand was still there, she could feel the warmth spreading through her top. The baby was motionless, perhaps feeling the quiet confidence Ross so effortlessly imparted. If only over the awful past few days she had endured Neil could have said just one of the comforting words Ross had conveyed so easily,
‘You’d better get back.’ Her voice was strangely thick. All she wanted to do was lay her head on that chest, feel those strong arms around her, for just an ounce of his strength to somehow rub off on her. ‘And I’ve got to go.’
‘Not yet,’ Ross moaned. ‘I’ll get stuck with Tania. If you think Melissa was bad, just wait till you see how Tania’s behaving. I swear she’s wearing lipstick. I think she’s got a crush on me.’
‘She has.’ Shelly laughed. ‘So watch yourself.’ Pulling her bag over her shoulder, Shelly swallowed hard. ‘I really do have to go. I just popped in to say goodbye. I’ve got an appointment with Dr Forbes at two.’
‘I thought Dr Lim was your obstetrician.’
‘He is. This visit is for Neil. I know it’s not going to change anything, but he just wants another opinion.’
‘Come on, I’ll walk you out to your car and say hi to Neil. It would be nice for us both to put names to faces and maybe I can answer some of his questions. His mind must be working overtime.’
‘Neil’s at work.’ She saw a hint of a frown mar Ross’s near-perfect features and instantly jumped on the defensive. ‘He can’t take an afternoon off work every time I see a doctor, he’d never get anything done.’
‘Of course not.’
There was a tiny awkward moment as Shelly turned to go. What should she do, shake his hand? A casual wave as she got to the door? Ross answered the question before it had even formed in her mind. Pulling her towards him, he held her for a moment, her bump pressing against his toned abdomen, until he moved away just enough to place his hand on her swollen stomach. ‘Look after that mum of yours,’ Ross whispered to the babe beneath his hand. ‘She’s one in a million.’
A tiny kiss was aimed at her cheek but Shelly moved nervously, his lips grazing hers for less than a second, but it felt as if they were both moving in slow motion, every tiny movement magnified, the soft warmth of his mouth on hers as unexpected as it was welcome, and Shelley swallowed hard as he pulled away, biting back tears as he squeezed her shoulder in one final supportive gesture and then he was gone. Off to his party, off on his travels again, off to the outback to impart and absorb, a million miles away from Chisholm Hospital, from the beach and the world he’d become so much a part of in the six months he’d been back.
Her lips were burning from his briefest touch and Shelly shook her head as she walked, her speed increasing as she pushed the unwelcome stirrings from her mind.
Of course Ross Bodey was going to say the right thing, he was a doctor, for heaven’s sake! He’d just spent the last six months on a children’s ward, dealing with anxious parents and sick kids. Of course he knew how to handle her, that was his job. She was being unfair, comparing his reaction to Neil’s.
Neil was the one living it. Neil was the one whose life had changed for ever when they’d found out the news.
Still…
Starting her car, Shelly pulled off the handbrake and indicated to turn right, gliding into the afternoon traffic as she headed for her doctor’s appointment, for an afternoon of scans and blood tests, an afternoon of being prodded and poked in a futile attempt to obtain a different version. A little piece of news that might brighten Neil’s day. But no amounts of scans, no amount of technology or statistics were going to change the outcome. Their baby was handicapped, and no amount of wishing was going to change that fact.
But she could still have dreams for him.
Ross’s words washed over her, a soothing interlude in an awful day. And in the weeks and months that followed they comforted her with increasing regularity, a life raft to cling to in the turbulent times that followed.
She could still have dreams for her son.
CHAPTER ONE (#u0dd62d50-f069-5099-a649-03b4dac81cab)
‘SORRY, darling.’ Marlene put down her basket on the hall floor and haphazardly deposited a kiss on Shelly’s cheek. ‘The match went on for ever.’
Shelly gave her mother an easy smile to show there was no harm done. ‘I’ve got plenty of time before my shift starts. Is Dad still there?’
‘Of course,’ Marlene replied crisply, with a slight edge to her voice. ‘This twilight tennis competition is supposed to be a combined effort for the two of us to get fit, yet your father undoes all of the hard work in one fell swoop. He’s in the clubhouse guzzling beers and eating lamingtons as I speak. Goodness, Shelly,’ Marlene said, finally looking at her daughter properly for the first time since she’d arrived. ‘You look nice—very nice, in fact! What have you done to your hair?’
‘I just put a bit of mousse in it in when I washed it,’ Shelly answered vaguely as Marlene gave her a rather sceptical look.
‘I’ll have to try some. Where’s Matthew?’
‘Asleep.’ Shelly rolled her eyes. ‘At long last. But I think this new routine is finally starting to work. I gave him his bath at seven, read his blessed book five times and now he’s out like a light.’
‘Oh, really?’ Marlene’s face broke into a wide grin and she gestured behind Shelly. ‘So who’s this, then?’
‘Matthew,’ Shelly wailed. ‘You’re supposed to be asleep.’
Holding up his dog-eared book, Matthew’s podgy little face broke into a wide and very engaging smile, instantly dousing Shelly’s irritation. ‘Wun, wun,’ he begged.
‘No more run, run,’ Shelly corrected, smiling despite herself. ‘The little gingerbread man is fast asleep now and so should you be.’
‘Wun, wun.’ Matthew insisted, his grin widening as he saw Marlene. ‘Nanny.’
‘Yes, darling.’ Marlene scooped her grandson into her arms. ‘Nanny’s looking after you tonight while Mummy goes to work.’ Marlene pulled Matthew closer, whispering loudly in his ear so that Shelly could hear. ‘Or at least that’s where she says she’s going, but I’ve never seen Mummy looking quite so stunning for a shift on the children’s ward!’
‘Mum,’ Shelly moaned. ‘Don’t talk like that—you’ll confuse him.’
‘I’m just teasing,’ Marlene soothed, turning her attention back to Matthew. ‘Now, give Mummy a big kiss goodnight and we’ll wave goodbye to her, then how about we go and see if there’s any nice biscuits in the cupboard?’
‘Mum.’ Shelly’s voice had a warning note to it which Marlene dismissed with a wave of her hand.
‘The biscuits are for me, darling. Why should your father be the only one ruining his waistline? I’m going to have a nice cuppa then I’ll read Matthew his story. You go off to work. Don’t worry about us two, we’ll be fine.’
‘I know,’ Shelly admitted, giving Marlene a quick kiss before lingering a while longer with Matthew’s. ‘Love you, Matthew.’ He smelt of baby soap and lotion and as she kissed him gently Shelly wondered, not for the first time, how she could bear to go to work and leave him. Reluctantly Shelly picked up her bag and, turning in the doorway, she forced a cheerful wave. ‘If one of those biscuits does happen to find its way to Matthew…’
‘I know,’ Marlene sighed. ‘Make sure I brush his teeth.’ Holding up one of Matthew’s hands, she guided him into a wave as Shelly opened the car door, the tempting scent of a neighbour’s barbeque wafting over the fence. Even though it was nudging eight-thirty, it was still so light Shelly wouldn’t even need to put on her headlights, and it would have been so tempting not to go, to curl up on the sofa with Matthew and read him his beloved book.
Not that Matthew would thank her for it, Shelly mused as she turned onto the freeway and headed towards the hospital, Matthew would be having the time of his little life right now, gorging on biscuits and dancing around the lounge with his eccentric grandmother, who would end in one night the routine Shelly had been so painfully attempting to implement.
‘Who are you trying to kid?’ Shelly mumbled, rallying slightly as she caught sight of herself in the rearview mirror, her pale eyelashes gone for ever, or at least the next couple of months, thanks to this afternoon’s tint. As tempting as a cuddle on the sofa with Matthew might be, tonight, for the first time in ages, she couldn’t wait to get to work. Putting her foot down slightly, Shelly felt a tremble of excitement somewhere in the pit of her stomach as the signs for the hospital loomed ever closer, the brightly lit building coming into view, the hub of staff outside Emergency indicating something serious was on its way in. A security guard indicated for Shelly to clear the entrance road. Pulling over, she sat in her car patiently waiting as an ambulance flew past, its flashing blue lights adding to the theatre of it all, watching as the emergency staff leapt forward to greet it. Shelly felt the bubble of excitement in her stomach rapidly expand.
Chisholm Hospital had never looked so exciting!
‘Thank goodness you’re on tonight, Shelly.’ Melissa patted the seat beside her at the nurses’ station. ‘I’ve had agency staff with me every night this week—it will be nice to have someone who actually knows the place.’
‘You smell nice.’ Turning, she smiled at Shelly who sat blushing as red as her hair. ‘You look lovely too—been to the hairdressers?’
‘No,’ Shelly lied. ‘You’re just used to seeing me coming on an early shift at seven in the morning.’
‘Hmm.’ Melissa looked at her knowingly but didn’t push further. ‘So, how many nights are you down for?’
‘You’re stuck with me for a month.’ Shelly rolled her eyes. ‘I’ve been avoiding it for ages so it had to catch up with me sooner or later. Tania rang me at home this morning and told me you were tearing your hair out.’
‘I was and I know it’s probably the last thing you need right now, but I for one am glad you said yes to a stint on nights.’
‘I really didn’t have any choice.’ Shelly shrugged. ‘There’s been a big fat zero beside my name where night shifts have been concerned recently. Bring back the old days, I can’t stand internal rotation.’
‘Sounds painful!’
Shelly let out a gurgle of laughter and stood up delightedly. ‘Ross!’
‘The one and only.’
‘Only you could find a sexual connotation with the nursing roster! So how are you finding it? Back in civilisation after all this time?’
‘I’ve had a very civilised couple of years, thank you very much,’ Ross corrected, wagging his finger playfully. ‘There’s a bit more to the outback than tents and billy tea but, yes, it’s good to be back, I think.’
‘You think?’ Shelly questioned with a grin. ‘I would have thought they’d be treating you gently on your first day back.’ She was blushing to her toenails now, shamefully aware that the perfume, the hairdresser’s, even the shaved legs and smooth bikini line had been done entirely for the benefit of this quick delicious moment at handover, to show Ross somehow that she hadn’t completely let herself go just because she’d had a baby. There was nothing like an old friend reappearing after a prolonged absence to force a critical look in the mirror, and now that the vague chance she’d catch Ross on his way off duty had materialised, Shelly was taken back by the rush of emotion that had engulfed her.
Ross Bodey was back in town, and he looked absolutely divine, his blond hair practically white now, courtesy of the hot Australian sun, and his face brown and smooth, accentuating the impossibly blue eyes.
‘I’ve only just set foot in the place.’ Ross grimaced. ‘Luke Martin is off sick so they rang me at the crack of dawn this morning to tell me I’m going to be stuck on nights for the next week, so there goes my social life. How about you?’
For a second Shelly’s eyes flickered to Melissa who sat innocently staring at the whiteboard, jotting down the names of the children and babies under the care of the ward that night. ‘I don’t have a social life, Ross. I’ve got a son to think of now. Wine bars and night-clubs are but a distant memory these days.’
‘I meant what shift are you on?’
‘Nights.’ Shelly had to forcibly remove the grin from her face and remember she was supposed to be disgruntled about the fact.
‘So we’re stuck with each other?’ Ross wasn’t even pretending to look disgruntled. He was grinning from ear to ear, teasing her with his smile.
‘It looks that way.’
‘So you don’t have a social life.’ Smiling, he tutted a few times. ‘Haven’t you heard of babysitters?’
‘Not with the tantrums my son’s been throwing lately. I wouldn’t inflict that temper on anyone just yet.’
Ross just laughed. ‘So Matthew’s hitting the terrible twos with a vengeance?’
‘That’s an understatement.’ Shelly’s voice stayed light, her grin stayed put, but her mind was whirring as the beginning of a frown puckered her forehead. ‘How did you know his name?’
Ross shrugged. ‘Melissa told me. So who’s looking after him tonight?’
Her frown deepened. Melissa had obviously told Ross a bit more than Matthew’s name. ‘My parents are, they’ve been really good. You know about Neil and me, then?’
Ross nodded. Moving away from the desk slightly, they found their own private space in the corridor, slipping so easily back into their ways of old. ‘It can’t have been easy for you.’
Shelly gave a slightly brittle laugh. ‘That’s an understatement.’
Ross didn’t comment at first, the silence around them building as Shelly stood there wondering how much to tell, scuffing the highly polished floor with her rubber soles and leaving little black marks that would have the cleaners in hysterics in the morning.
‘Neil told me he was leaving us the day I was due to be discharged from hospital, the day I was supposed to bring Matthew home.’ Her voice was shaky and she couldn’t even look up as she recounted her story, sure the inevitable pity she was so tired of seeing in people’s eyes would send her into floods of tears. ‘He said he couldn’t cope with a handicapped child, that it just wasn’t what he was cut out for.’
