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“Jealous? What are you talking about?” Now, on top of looking tired, he looked confused.

“I saw your eyes when I told you about those flowers.” She didn’t need to point them out. He’d obviously seen them the instant he’d walked in. His demeanor shifted, having more to do with her accusation than the flowers.

“I’ll admit, it took me by surprise. And I still don’t like the idea of some guy hitting on you in such an obvious way.”

“But you have no right to.” She folded her arms across her chest, having just then remembered she was in her pajamas. “You made it very clear we aren’t allowed to have feelings for each other. It’s for the best. Remember?”

He went solemn, watching her, and she made it clear she intended to have it out right then and there. Too bad if he was tired or jealous or whatever else. Now was the time. Finally. “If you don’t care about me, why were you jealous?”

In an instant he’d covered the distance between them, and his hands were on her shoulders, pulling her toward him. Time seemed to stand still for a moment as they looked deep into each other’s eyes and both seemed to know—without the benefit of a single word, just using that damn communication thing they had going on—that once again they were about to do something they’d regret. But it didn’t stop Joe from planting a breathtaking kiss on Carey. And it didn’t stop Carey from kissing him back like it might be the last kiss she’d ever get in her life. From Joe.

The kiss extended for several seconds, turning into a getting-to-know-you-all-over-again kind of thing. Her breasts tingled and tightened as she felt the tension from Joe’s fingers digging into her shoulders while he continued to claim her lips. With them, a kiss was always more than just a kiss. She sighed over his mouth, searching with her tongue, soon finding his.

Joe’s breathing proved he was as moved as she was, but then just when they were getting to the really good part he stopped. And stared into her eyes, a combination of desire and seething in his.

“Because I am jealous. Damn it.” He’d finished with her, and now gently pushed her away.

She felt foolish standing there, her breasts peaked and pushing against the thin material of her pajama top, exposing exactly what he’d just done to her. “You can’t do this to me, Joe. I don’t understand why you act this way. It’s not fair to keep me all mixed up like this.”

He looked back at her, considering what she’d just said, and then, as if he’d made a huge decision, his expression changed to one of determination. “Then you’d better sit down, because if you want to know why I’m the way I am, it’s a long story.”

The comment sent a shiver through her. He finally intended to open up to her, and she was suddenly afraid of what she might find out. But she cared about Joe, and if it meant helping her understand him, she’d listen to anything he needed to share. No matter how bad it was or hard to hear.

She took a seat on the edge of the small couch. Joe chose to pace the room.

“How far back do you want me to go?”

“To the beginning, if that helps explain things.”

He stopped pacing, stared at his feet for a second or two, as if calculating how far back he needed to go to get his story told once and forever. Then he started. “I met Angela, my ex-wife, when I took my paramedic training in an extension course at UCLA. We started a study group and things heated up pretty fast. Within the year, once we both got our certifications and got jobs, we got married.” He glanced up at Carey, who hadn’t stopped watching him for an instant. “You know how I love my family.” She nodded. “Well, since I was married I wanted to start having kids right off. Like my parents did. I’d launched my business and things were going well, so I figured, let’s go for it.”

He started moving around the room again, turning his back on her. “After a year she still hadn’t gotten pregnant, and we wondered if our stressful jobs might have something to do with it. So we took a two-week vacation to Cancun. Still nothing.” He cleared his throat and glanced sheepishly back at Carey. She continued to train her gaze on him, so he turned around and faced her. “We decided to get fertility tests done. But I’ve got to tell you, things were really tense between us around that time, too.” His hand quickly scraped along his jaw. “You know how you hear stories all the time about people who can’t have kids, then they adopt a kid and the woman gets pregnant?”

Carey nodded, her heart racing as he came to what she suspected would be a key part of his story.

“Well, Angela got pregnant.” He lifted his hands. “Great, huh?”

Somehow she knew it hadn’t been great.

“I was thrilled, of course, and we went on our merry way, planning to be parents.”

She read anything but happiness in his words, and especially with the tension of his brows and tightening in his jaw she understood he was in pain. Wait a second, she also knew Angela had left him for his best friend. He’d told her that much. But with his baby? Oh, my God, how horrible. And here she’d been dragging him to her parenting classes! If she’d only known.

Making him repeat the entire history for her benefit was cruel. “Joe, you don’t have to—”

“Nope. I said I would, and I want you to hear the whole mess. Okay?” He looked pointedly at her, like it was her fault for making him begin and she needed to hear him out.

Carey tried to relax her shoulders but felt the tension fan across her chest instead. “Okay. Go on, then.” She could barely breathe in anticipation.

“So we’re all thrilled and planning for our baby and five months into the whole thing, out of the blue my fertility results show up in the mail. We’d completely forgotten about them because we were pregnant!” He made a mocking gesture of excitement, and it came off as really angry. “Where they’d been all that time, I didn’t have a clue, but, bam, one day the results were there. Angela wasn’t home when I opened them.” He stopped, needing to swallow again. “And the thing is, it turned out...” He glanced up quickly, if possible looking even more in pain, and then, dipping his head, his eyes darted away. “I’m sterile.”

How could that be? He was a healthy, magnificent specimen of a man, but she knew to keep her thoughts to herself.

“I did some research after I got that diagnosis because, honestly, I couldn’t believe it. Evidently my sperm ducts are defective from multiple injuries in high-school baseball and from kick boxing. It’s the only explanation the doctor could come up with when I finally followed up. Who knew high-school sports could do a guy in?”

Carey stared hard at Joe as she bit her lip, hoping her eyes wouldn’t well up. Angela had been pregnant and living a lie under his roof. Of course, now she understood why her being pregnant seemed difficult for Joe. Oh, God, what he’d been through. And she’d rubbed his nose in that memory every single day she’d lived here. She wanted to cross the room and hug him then apologize, but every unspoken message he sent said, Stay away. Leave me alone. Let me get this out once and for all. You asked for it! So she stayed right where she was, aching for him and crying on the inside.

“My life stopped right then. All the happy future-parents hoopla came crashing down. My wife was pregnant—but not by me.” His words were agitated and the pacing started up again. Carey understood how hard this must be for Joe, but he insisted he needed to tell the entire story. So he paced on, and she waited, nearly holding her breath. “I thought it had to be a mistake. I called the fertility clinic, suggesting they’d mixed things up. They’d obviously lost my results, since it had taken so long to mail them. But, nope, I was one hundred per cent sterile. Said so right there on that piece of paper.” He flashed her a sad, half-dead excuse for a smile.

“So I had to confront my wife.” He’d lowered his voice as if this part was solemn, or someone had died. “Angela insisted it was a mistake, because I hadn’t told her I’d already called to make sure. I watched her squirm and avoid looking at me. I never felt so sick in my life.” Joe gave a pained, ironic laugh. “Oh, she swore the baby was ours, that it had to be. I listened to her lie. Then she finally broke down and confessed that if the baby wasn’t ours it was Rico’s.” Joe’s fist smashed into the palm of his other hand. Carey started to understand the importance of his punching bag. Yet all she wanted to do was rush to him, hold him and kiss him. He’d been betrayed by the two most important people in his life after his family.

“My best freaking friend.” A hand shot to his forehead, fingers pinching his temples as if he’d suddenly gotten a headache, reliving the story. He sucked in a ragged breath. “Evidently, just before we’d gone to Cancun, when things had gotten really intense here, she’d gone to him to cry on his shoulder, but a hell of a lot more than that wound up happening. Turns out my best friend had an unusual way of consoling my wife.”

Anger and sarcasm mixed as his agitation grew. She wanted to tell him to stop, not say anything else, but kept silent, sensing his need to purge the full story at long last.

“Angela swore she’d been too racked with guilt to tell me, especially when she didn’t know who the real father was. Can you believe it? If she could have gotten away with it, she would have tried. And I got to think I was the future father of a beautiful baby for five months before we were forced to face the facts. What a fool I’d been.”

Carey shook her head, feeling responsible for his pain right now. “You don’t have to say anything else, Joe.”

“But wait, it only gets better! Angela told Rico and he wanted her to get a paternity test! Yeah, he turned out to be a real prince. So there I was looking at this stranger who was supposed to be my wife, and she’s telling me about this bastard who was supposed to be my best friend, and the only thing I could think of saying was, ‘You can leave now. You’re welcome to each other.’ Yet part of me couldn’t bear to kick out a pregnant woman, and I was about to take it back when she got up and called Rico.” A look of incredulity covered his face. “Right in front of me she told him I knew everything, and she needed a place to stay.”

Joe nailed Carey with his tortured expression. “They’ve been together ever since. Have a baby girl and seem to be doing fine. Or at least that’s what I hear from other people I used to know.”

Carey’s hand flew to her chest. Joe had lost his wife, child and best friend in a single moment. And to make matters worse, he also knew he’d never be able to have a child of his own. What torture that must have been for a guy who’d wanted a big family. Yet when she glanced at him she saw a man suddenly at peace.

“As you can imagine, relationships have been off-limits for me for a while now. I mean, what’s the point? I’m not into one-night stands, and I can’t give a woman what she’d want most if we got serious—children of her own. Not unless I send her over to Rico.”

“That’s not funny, Joe.” Carey had heard enough, and she’d realized why Joe was the distant man he was for so many reasons. Why he blew hot and cold. It went against his natural personality to be bitter, though, which had always confused her, but now she understood why. “I’m so sorry this happened to you. Now I see why you overreacted to me getting those flowers. I mean, it makes perfect sense...”

“Nothing ever makes perfect sense, Carey.” He sounded desperate, tired and defeated. He went into the kitchen and filled a glass with tap water, then drank. She followed him there, wishing she could love away his sadness and anger, yet understanding why he deserved to feel that way. Why he needed to keep her at a distance.

“Then I show up on your doorstep pregnant and homeless, and you’re too nice a guy to toss me out. I get it. The last thing I should have done was come on to you, but I believed and still believe that it’s mutual attraction. There’s something real between us, Joe. You couldn’t have faked that night.”

He swung around, some of the water slopping out of the glass. “It doesn’t matter what happened that night. It can’t ever happen again. There’s no point. Besides, you’re all set up now. You’ve got a job, an income, you’re back on your feet—hell, someone even sent you flowers.”

“Joe, that’s uncalled for.”

“Is it? Ever heard the phrase ‘been there done that’? I can’t do it again. Won’t.”

Pain clutched her chest when she realized what he intended to do. Every secret hope she’d held on to was about to get dashed by a guy who’d been beaten up by love and never wanted to open his heart or life to love again.

“Look, Carey, you’re a strong woman who knows what’s best for you and the baby.” Now he sounded like he was pleading for her to let him go. For her not to torment him by dangling love and sex in front of him by living under his roof. “You’ll be an amazing mother. Truth is, you don’t need me anymore. You’re ready to move on.”

“Please don’t push us away...” her lip trembled as she spoke from being so racked with emotion “...because you’re afraid you’ll get pushed first. I’m not that girl. I’m not Angela.”

“And I’m not the guy for you. Sorry.”

He’d shut down completely, going against every single thing she knew in her soul about him. He wanted to be the scarred guy who could never feel again, but he lied. She’d seen and felt his love firsthand. He hated that his wife had once lied to him, but now he was lying to her. He wanted her to leave, and she couldn’t argue with a man who’d just turned to stone in front of her eyes.

“Please listen, Joe.”

Something snapped. Anguish mixed with fury flashed in his stare. “Don’t you get it? Every time I look at you I’m reminded what I can never have for myself. I may be stuck in the Dark Ages, but I can’t get past that.”

She’d heard his deepest hurt. Joe had pretended, but he really hadn’t survived his wife cheating on him with his best friend, on top of finding out he was sterile. That was a total life game changer; he was broken and she couldn’t fix it. He’d just said her presence only made the pain worse.

He may as well have stabbed her, and the jolt of reality nearly sent her reeling backwards. Lashing out, he’d wanted to wound her, too, and he’d done a fine job. Her eyes burned and her hands shook.

She’d promised herself she’d never beg a man the way her mother used to beg her father. And even though her world, the new and improved version of her world since she’d come to California and met Joe, had just been ripped from her, she wouldn’t beg.

A sudden surge of anger and pride made her jaw clamp shut and her shoulders straighten. Joe was damaged and wasn’t open to reason. There was just no point in trying to get through to him. “I’ll be out by the end of the week.”

She could scarcely believe her own words, but now that she’d said them she’d have to make sure she’d carry them out. No matter what.

CHAPTER NINE

NEXT WEEK AT WORK, Carey still reeled from her final confrontation with Joe. They’d been avoiding each other like a deadly disease ever since. What a mess. She’d promised to be gone by the end of the week, and had put the word out with the nurses on her floor for any leads on small apartments to rent.

She sat in a corner, scrolling through all of her assigned patients’ labs for the day, insisting on giving them her full attention. Afterwards, she’d do her morning patient assessments then pass their meds. Sometimes putting her life on hold for her day job was a relief.

“Carey?” Dr. Di Williams stood behind her.

“Yes? Anything you need, Dr. Williams?”

The middle-aged doctor offered a kind smile. “I hear there’s something you need.”

Carey quirked her brow. “Sorry?”

“An apartment?”

“Oh. Yes, well, something will pan out, I’m sure.” She prayed it would because it was Wednesday and she’d promised Joe she’d be out by the weekend at the latest.

“I’ve got an in-law suite at my house. No one ever uses it. It’s got a private entrance and even a small kitchen. It’s yours if you’d like it.”

A few people were beginning to realize she was pregnant. Unfortunately, Stephanie had seen her go to the Parentcraft class, so probably the whole clinic knew by now. Obviously, Dr. Williams knew from when Carey had been her patient. “That’s very kind of you, but—”

“It’s a nice place. My partner and I have a house right here in the Hollywood Hills. Lisa made sure the place was comfortable and inviting, but her parents won’t come to visit, and I’ve given up on mine coming around for years now. So what I’m saying is you’re welcome to live there. I know you’ve had a rough time and I’d like to help you out.”

Touched to her core, Carey jumped up and hugged Dr. Williams, who looked both surprised and uncomfortable. “You’re a godsend. Thank you.”

It was the first time Carey had ever seen the doctor grin. “We thought about adopting once, but our jobs are so demanding we decided it wouldn’t be fair to the baby. Plus we’re both, well, you know, getting older.” She gave a self-deprecating smile. “So we’ll enjoy meeting your bambino when the time comes.”

She patted Carey’s stomach, and Carey fully realized the reality that, yes, her baby would be born, and that after tomorrow, when she’d had another sonogram, maybe she’d even know the sex. Which made ner think how Joe had always called her baby little Spencer. It hit her then. She really needed a place to live. She was ready to “nest,” as she’d learned the word in her parenting class. She wanted this, and the good doctor had just solved her problem.

“But I have to insist on paying rent.”

Dr. Williams tossed her a gaze that perfectly expressed her thoughts—Please, I’m a rich doctor and do we really have to negotiate money when we’re having such a good moment? “Whatever you want to pay is fine. Money isn’t an issue for us. In case you didn’t know, Lisa’s a doctor, too.”

“I’ll be in great company.” Carey beamed while she talked, never having felt more grateful in her life. Well, after her unending indebtedness to Joe, of course. She gave an amount she felt she could afford, nothing close to what the place would be worth, she was pretty much sure of that. But she was being honest, though, not wanting to insult the doctor by going too low, since she’d have to live on a tight budget. Especially as she’d have to return the rental car soon and would need to find a used car for transportation. One step at a time, Carey. Thank goodness she’d banked some unused vacation time at her hospital back in Chicago and they’d sent the final check to Joe’s address last week.

“That works for me,” Di said. “I’ll bring the key tomorrow and you can start moving in right away.”

The doctor turned to walk away, but Carey grabbed her hand and shook it, well, over-shook it, because she wanted to make her point. “You and Lisa are lifesavers. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Like I said, it’ll be fun.” Before right this moment fun would never have been a word she would have associated with Dr. Di Williams. Who knew?

Along with the warmth Carey felt for the incredible kindness of others, especially from Joe, and now from a woman Carey hardly knew, she felt new hope for her and her baby. She just might be able to pull this off, start a new life in California and move on from her past once and for all. One sad and nagging point kept her from full elation.

Joe.

She loved the guy. And she’d never get to tell him. But she’d learned her lesson in life well. Just because you wanted something, it didn’t mean you’d get it. It would be too much to ask of him to love her and to accept her child, too. Not after everything he’d been through. She understood that now.

She sighed, a bittersweet thought about leaving Joe’s sweet little house for her new and as yet unseen place nearly making her cry. She’d gotten so used to living with him she hated thinking about not seeing him every day. Was this really happening? Maybe she was still in a coma and this was one big Alice-in-Wonderland-style dream. The thought amused her briefly.

But she had labs to look at, and one of her assigned patients had just put on their call light.

Thank heavens for the distraction of her day job.

In order to avoid Carey and every disturbing thought she dredged up in him, Joe worked several extra shifts during the last week she lived with him. On Friday he’d even stayed on for an extra night shift so he wouldn’t chance seeing her move out. The thought of watching her go would only widen the gaping wound inside him.

He’d finally opened up and told her everything, and she’d seen how messed up he truly was. Even then he’d felt her need to comfort him, but he’d held her off, pushed her away, then, once she’d seen there was just no point, that he’d never let her in, she’d agreed to move out. Whatever they’d once shared had breathed its last breath, and all the CPR in the world couldn’t revive it.

It had been a crazy evening on the job with nonstop calls, and truthfully, Joe was grateful for the constant distraction.

James had thought of everything when he’d set up the hospital for his private and exclusive clientele. One perk was an emergency box in every home that went directly to The Hills emergency department instead of the more general Los Angeles system.

At two a.m. another call came through, this one from an affluent area, the Los Feliz Hills, east of The Hollywood Hills Clinic. A woman reported her husband in sudden pain that was shooting down his left arm. The emergency operator sent the message to Joe and he grabbed his team and hit the road within two minutes, siren switched on.

The five-mile distance would take fifteen minutes, thanks to the winding roads in both of the hilly communities. While they drove, the emergency operator stayed on the line and gave instructions to the wife of the patient, in case she needed to begin CPR.

Once in front of the ornate house Joe’s team grabbed their emergency kits and EMT Benny rolled in the stretcher. A young housekeeper waited at the front door to the huge several-storied home and directed them up an open stairwell to the master bedroom. Joe couldn’t help but notice the largest chandelier he thought he’d ever seen in a home. He quickly recalled the Hills ER operator having mentioned that the patient was the head of one of the movie studios in town.

Joe found the white-haired patient on the floor, unconscious, his wife kneeling over him in near panic.

“He just passed out,” she said, fear painting a frightened mask on her face.

“Does he have a history of coronary artery disease?”

She nodded.

Joe rushed to the patient’s side, finding him unresponsive. He checked his airway and found him to be breathing, then he checked his carotid artery for a pulse.

“Let’s get him on the stretcher,” Joe directed his team, taking out the portable four-lead ECG machine and hooking up the patient for an initial reading as they applied oxygen and rolled him onto the adjustable stretcher. Then, in an effort to save more precious time, he started the IV as they transported the man down that huge stairwell. Once that IV was in place, he checked the initial four-lead heart strip, which showed possible ST elevation. Once Benny and his partner got the patient in the back of the emergency van, Joe jumped in, immediately switching the man to the twelve-lead EKG for a more thorough reading. Applying the leads, Joe was grateful the old guy wore loose-fitting pajamas, making his job a little easier.

Time was of the essence with MIs and seconds after securing the stretcher in the safety lock in the back of the van Benny and the other EMT shot to the front, turned on the emergency lights but not the siren, as a courtesy not to add stress to the heart patient, and sped down the winding hills.

Now with proof the man was in the midst of a STEMI, thanks to the twelve-lead EKG but still maintaining a decent enough blood pressure—he was even coming around a little bit, giving occasional moans—Joe added a nitroglycerin IV piggyback, gave him morphine through the IV line and aspirin under his tongue. He might not be able to stop the ST elevation myocardial infarction, but he hoped to at least help decrease the patient’s pain. All this was done while the ambulance tossed and rolled around the hills, heading for Los Feliz Boulevard and onward toward Hollywood and the clinic.