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“Good. I’m glad you feel that way because…” Those deep brown eyes filled with concern again.
“What?”
“I hate to even bring this up…but before I completely turn him over to you, there’s something that has to be asked. There’s a potential problem.”
Still she hesitated. He was pretty sure he knew why. Given the fact that there was nothing in the public history she had read that could have caused her to worry, there could be only one thing remaining that was making her this uncomfortable.
“Ask,” he demanded, the single word clipped and cold.
Colleen took a deep, visible breath and looked right into his eyes.
“What if Lisa…there might be a chance…I wouldn’t ordinarily even bring up something so painful and so…not my business, but as I mentioned, I have to make sure Toby’s okay, and…what if he isn’t your biological son?”
Anger pulsed through Dillon even as he told himself that her question was a valid one for a woman who saw herself as the sole protector of an innocent baby.
“If you think I haven’t heard that my wife had…intimate friends even before we divorced, then you’re wrong. If you’re suggesting that I would take out my displeasure on a baby, then you haven’t really done your research on me after all and you haven’t been listening to me. And if you think for one second that this changes things, then let me tell you that it doesn’t. Whether Toby is my biological son or not, he’s legally mine. I was married to Lisa when he was conceived, and the law is clear on my claim to him.”
His words and tone would have cowed most people. But Colleen didn’t drop her gaze even one bit. She was, he conceded, acting like the proverbial mother bear, even if Toby wasn’t hers.
“I’m not the type of guy who would let that make a difference. I no longer have a wife, so what Lisa did or didn’t do doesn’t matter to me. What I have is a son. He’s not responsible for his parentage. No one ever is.” Thank goodness.
Colleen visibly relaxed. “Thank you. Some men wouldn’t feel that way.”
“I’m not those men.” His last words may have been uttered a bit too loudly. Toby made a small, unhappy whimpering sound.
Faster than light, quieter than the dawn, Colleen was across the room. She reached down and gently stroked the baby’s arm. “Shh, you’re safe, sweetheart,” she whispered. “I’m here. No one will hurt you.”
Almost instantly, the baby calmed. He pulled one fist up to his mouth and began to suck his thumb. He slept, his long lashes fluttering back down over those pale, pretty cheeks. Colleen gazed down at the baby with what looked like true affection. Had any of his nannies ever looked like that when he was growing up? Dillon wondered. No, some of them had been decent, but not even close to being that involved. He hadn’t expected them to, hadn’t even known it was possible. Still, this was…nice, even though her attachment to the baby was clearly going to be a problem.
Colleen looked up into Dillon’s eyes, that naked pain evident again. Dillon wanted to look away. He forced himself not to.
She stood straight and tall, proudly defying him while she still could. For an Amazon she didn’t look even slightly out of place in this room full of small things. He noted the stuffed animals in a sunyellow crate, the changing table with diapers and lotions, the piles of baby clothes on top of a childsized dresser, the toys and books. A night-light shaped like a lamb. Now, he remembered that he’d passed a stroller on the way in, a bright blue playpen in the living room. Where had all these things come from?
As if she’d read his mind, she moved toward him. “We need to talk,” she said.
“My thoughts exactly.”
“We have about thirty minutes before Toby wakes up in earnest. He’s like clockwork and then he’ll want to be fed.” She ushered Dillon toward the living room, where she perched on a chair that had a lot more years on it than anything in the nursery. Dillon sat down on a tired old sofa.
With the playpen taking up a lot of the space, the room seemed small, tight, not quite big enough for two adults. Dillon looked at Colleen, and now, without the foil of Toby to concentrate on, she looked nervous, rubbing her palms over her jeans.
Dillon’s gaze followed her hands down her legs. He ordered himself to think of the business at hand, not what Colleen Applegate’s long legs looked like when they weren’t encased in denim. There were important issues to deal with here. “Did Lisa give you money to take care of Toby?”
“Why would you think that?”
“Babies cost money. They take time.”
“I haven’t even had any contact with her since the day she dropped him here. He was only a week old. She didn’t want him. I didn’t even think of asking for payment. He was a baby with no one to love him.”
“But you’ve obviously spent a fair amount of money. You’ll be compensated.”
She glared at him. “I don’t want it. That would be like selling him.” Those strong, sturdy hands were opening and closing now.
“All right. I won’t insult you by offering again. Just tell me this. Why you? I’d never even heard of you before. Lisa never spoke of you. Were you good friends?”
Colleen shook her head, those messy curls brushing her cheeks. “We grew up in the same town and we went to school together, but no, we weren’t friends at all. As for why, she seemed frantic, trapped and, well, this is a small town and everyone here knows me. It’s no secret that I’ve always wanted children, but…”
“But you don’t have any.”
“No. I don’t.” It was clear that there was more to this part of the story than she was saying, but Dillon had no right to ask more. She had given him a valid answer.
“Lisa said that she couldn’t be a mother to Toby,” Colleen continued, “and she didn’t say much more. She didn’t stay long, and she seemed worried at what your reaction was going to be, as if she wanted to be gone before you got here.”
“Which is why you have a number of questions of your own,” he said.
“Partly, yes.”
“Those questions you were asking earlier…you think I abused my wife or that I would once I knew that she had cheated on me?”
“I don’t know you. I know there are men who can be abusive, with or without a reason. And even when abuse doesn’t involve hitting it can be brutal and harmful.” Something about the tone of her voice, the way she looked away when all along she’d been facing him head-on, led Dillon to believe that Colleen had had personal experience of such men. Something shifted inside him. Anger at his own kind filled him.
“I’m not a perfect man, Colleen, but I’ve never intentionally harmed a woman or a child, and I wouldn’t.”
She studied him as if trying to read his mind to see if he spoke the truth. Her eyes were dark and unhappy but she sucked in her lip, blinked and gave a hard nod. “Okay,” she whispered. “I mean, I don’t have a choice do I, but…”
Suddenly she leaned forward and opened a drawer on the end table next to the chair. She pulled out a sheaf of papers. Pages and pages of papers.
“These are things you need to know. Routines. Details on what went on during his first few months. His preferences, his quirks, his fears. Medical things. He was jaundiced when Lisa brought him here, and until recently, he was colicky, but if I wrapped him up tight in a blanket and rocked with him, eventually he would go to sleep. He takes a nap in the morning and one in the afternoon and…who will do all these things?” she asked suddenly. Then just as quickly she shook her head. “Forget I asked that. You’re a wealthy man. You’ll hire some…some nurse or something.”
Someone who doesn’t love him yet, she meant to say. Dillon was sure of that.
Gently, he took the stack of papers from Colleen. There were all kinds of notes. A description of Toby’s first smile, his first laugh, which was just last week. His feeding schedule. More.
“You’re right. I’m a wealthy man. I can hire a nurse.” Just the way his parents had. A whole series of nurses and nannies who had come and gone. He didn’t want that for his child.
“You could teach me what to do.” The words just popped right out of nowhere. Dillon had no clue why he’d even said the words, but…
“I could take care of him,” he added.
As if she wasn’t even thinking, Colleen suddenly reached across and touched his hand. “That’s incredibly sweet.”
Dillon wanted to laugh. Sort of. “Have you looked at me, Colleen? No one on earth, least of all the people in my business or the men under my command, have ever called me sweet.”
“I know.” She looked down at where her hand lay on his, as if she regretted the move but didn’t know how to take it back. “I didn’t mean it quite the way it sounded. What I meant was, you don’t have a clue what you’re saying. Despite all your accomplishments, taking care of a baby is different from anything on earth you’ve ever done.”
“I suspect that it is. So show me, Colleen.”
“Now?”
“I’ve been away from my business for a long time. There are people I trust in charge, and they won’t mind waiting for me a little longer. I have time for you to teach me.”
Colleen worked hard at controlling her breathing. Dillon Farraday’s hand was warm and strong and very masculine beneath her own. Not that she had any business noticing. Quickly, she pulled away. “I don’t feel comfortable having a man in my house.”
Strange man. She should have said strange man. But she had meant what she said. She didn’t want any man here. This whole house was her haven, her shelter, her barrier.
“You have other buildings. I could rent one.”
For the first time she allowed herself to smile. “Some of them have animals in them, some have tools. You aren’t exactly the type to bunk with the hired hands I employ.”
“Don’t judge a man by his looks, Colleen.”
No, she never did. Looks could deceive. “I won’t.”
“Good. Then you’ll let me stay here a few days? You’ll train me in the basics so I can be a good father to Toby?”
“What will you do when you go back to Chicago? You’ll still need someone.”
“What do you do when you have to work around the ranch?”
“I bundle him up and take him with me or I find people I trust implicitly to help.”
“Then I’ll do that. Colleen?”
She looked straight into those ice-blue eyes and her heart began to pound fast. He was the most gorgeous, intimidating man she’d ever met. Not in the usual sense of the word. It wasn’t that she thought he’d physically harm her, but something far different. He was the kind of man who could hurt her emotionally, and she was pretty sure that it wasn’t just because he would take Toby. The smartest thing to do would be to run, to say no, and yet…
“You’ll give me warning before you take him away?” she asked, trying to adjust to the sudden shift in plans.
She should be jumping at this, latching on to it. Dillon wanted to learn how to be a good father. That was a good thing, the best thing for Toby, and she would at least have a bit more time with the baby.
And with the man.
Colleen shoved that thought away. She hoped her face wasn’t flaming. In the past, her past, well, a woman like her could easily look pathetic when she was attracted to a man, especially a man who was totally out of bounds.
“Will you let me stay?” he repeated. “Will you tutor me until I’ve got everything down pat and until Toby and I feel comfortable together?”
“You know I can’t say no to that.”
He smiled at her, and heat rushed through her. “Then say yes, Colleen.”
She didn’t even remember saying the word. She felt faint and sick and nervous, as if her body was not her own. But she must have said yes, because Dillon had gone outside and he was pulling a suitcase from his car.
A man was going to be staying with her here at the Applegate Ranch. She wondered what he would say when he discovered that all her employees were women.
Chapter Two
MAYBE he should have stayed inside and read all that paperwork that Colleen had for him to pore over, but the enormity of what he was doing had finally hit, and Dillon needed a few minutes to regroup, so he stood on the porch leaning on the crooked railing as he looked out across the land. He’d spent a lifetime learning to control his emotions. Those lessons had served him well in business, and this past year with all that had happened, the merits of guarding his reactions had hit even harder.
But Colleen Applegate’s passionate loyalty to his son had been unexpected. It had caught him off guard, which was most likely why he had made that uncharacteristically impetuous declaration that he wanted her to give him parenting lessons. He was already regretting that decision and yet, she was right. He didn’t know a damn thing about caring for a baby and he wasn’t about to let just anyone take over that task.
He swore beneath his breath. “What a mess.”
The door opened behind him and when he turned to look at Colleen the expression on her face told him that she had, most likely, heard his last comment. Her chin was raised in defiance, and a trace of guilt slipped through Dillon. None of this, after all, was her fault.
“I apologize for the way that sounded.”
All the defiance slipped away from her. “I doubt this was what you had anticipated when you thought about having children.”
“I hadn’t actually thought about it too much.”
She studied him. “You didn’t want a child?”
It hadn’t been that so much. “I felt…unqualified. Still do. But he’s here, and just because I hadn’t anticipated him doesn’t mean I don’t want him. He’s never going to feel as if his birth was a mistake, so don’t even think that I’m heading down that path. I’m taking this job seriously.”
“Job?”
“Dad.”
Colleen gave a curt nod. “Okay, Dad. Let’s get you settled. Then we’ll get right to the father lessons.”
Dillon saw now that she had a bundle of quilts in her arms. He reached out and started to take them from her but she shook her head.
“I can carry a few blankets,” she said.
“I’m sure you can. You run a ranch. You tend to my son. You have employees. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should. I’m not a guest and I’m sure having me living here is an imposition that wasn’t remotely in your plans for this week. If you won’t let me compensate you for Toby’s care, at least let me pull my weight.” Take back some of the control you’ve lost these past months, he told himself. He’d grown up having no input into his parents’ decision to farm him out to disinterested keepers. As a child, his quest for affection had only resulted in a roller-coaster ride of brief bouts of interest followed by long periods of apathy from both his parents and the people they hired to keep him fed, occupied and out of their way.
So, when he’d grown up, he’d turned to something ever dependable: logic and control. The precise environment of engineering never failed him. The reliability of being able to predict and control outcomes, and the measured skills involved in running a company and commanding troops, had been a perfect fit…until the events of the last year had blindsided him.
That time was over. He was not a man given to highs and lows and he’d made a mistake choosing someone as volatile as Lisa. Somehow, he’d missed who and what she was, just as the soldier walking ahead of him hadn’t seen that land mine that had taken his life and injured Dillon. But, from now on, Dillon was putting the lid back on his emotions and regaining control of his life in even the most basic ways. He tugged on the quilts.
To his surprise, Colleen didn’t let go. “This visit wasn’t in your plans, either, I’m sure. And just so you know, so that there won’t be too many surprises, ranch life’s difficult,” she countered. To her credit, she didn’t glance at his leg, though he knew that was at least part of what she was referring to.
Dillon had a feeling that Colleen was one of those surprises. Was the woman really worrying about the welfare of the man who’d come to take the baby she clearly coveted?
“I’ll let you know if it gets to be too much.”
A small smile lifted her lips. “Somehow I doubt you would admit any such thing. You’re an infuriatingly determined man, Mr. Farraday, but all right.” She turned over the quilts.
He smiled slightly at her tone, but he didn’t apologize. “Just Dillon will do. If you’ll show me where I’m staying while I’m here, I’ll get settled so that we can get right down to that crash course in fatherhood.”
She hesitated. And hesitated some more. “The bunkhouse is occupied.”
“And you don’t feel comfortable having a man in your house,” he remembered.
She looked uneasy. “I know that seems silly when I’m an independent woman who’s been running a ranch for years, but—”
Dillon raised one hand to silence her. “You don’t have to apologize or explain anything to me, Colleen. It doesn’t sound silly. You’re careful. That’s good.” Although he could tell from her expression that her concerns went deeper than simply being careful. Not his business. Nothing he needed to know about.
“Still, you’re here to learn about taking care of Toby. You’ll want to be near when he wakes up in the middle of the night. I have an enclosed back porch, and at this time of year you won’t need heat. You won’t have to worry about anyone intruding on you there. There’s a door separating it from the house and a sleeper sofa that’s…I’m sorry, I can’t lie. It’s almost comfortable.”
