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There was a short pause which threatened to lengthen towards awkwardness. Lizzie took a deep breath. ‘So, I wondered if you and Sam fancied meeting up some time?’ she asked casually as if this were an everyday occurrence.
‘Oh. Really?’ said Joe sounding surprised. Lizzie realised that she didn’t have a good reason for phoning out of the blue but she had deliberately decided not to mention the letters. They were her letters from Bea and she wasn’t ready to share them. ‘Well that would be great. If you’re sure?’
Lizzie hesitated. This could be the moment when she just gave up on it all, when she made an excuse, hung up and went back to her life, such as it was. She glanced at the letter again and Bea’s heartfelt words. She had no choice. ‘Of course. I think it would be really good for all of us. I’m free this Sunday if you are?’
‘We are actually. Shall we come to you or would you like to come here?’ asked Joe.
Lizzie felt panic rise in her chest and did her best to keep her voice calm. ‘Actually, I was thinking that Sam might like a day-trip somewhere in London? To the zoo or the aquarium perhaps?’
‘Okay. Great idea. Why don’t I ask him and I’ll text you to confirm later?’
‘Great, that sounds really great,’ said Lizzie aware that she was starting to sound a little crazy. ‘I’ll see you then,’ she added. ‘I should go. Sorry for waking you.’
‘No worries. It’s good to hear from you,’ said Joe before hanging up.
Lizzie pressed the phone to her forehead and closed her eyes. She felt as if she were sitting in a rollercoaster as it climbed to the top of the track. She was dreading the moment when she reached the top but part of her, a tiny part, wanted to see what happened when she came down the other side.
***
Lizzie felt an unusual sense of purpose as she went downstairs to open up the bookshop that day. It was as if taking the decision to do what Bea had asked was making her feel a little less burdened. She knew she’d be a mess of nerves on the day she went to meet Sam and Joe but somehow, simply making the decision to do this was having a positive effect on her mood.
Her thoughts were interrupted by something of a kerfuffle at the back of the shop. There was the sound of paws skidding on lino and Mrs Nussbaum telling something or someone to ‘Halt!’
Lizzie made her way towards the back room and drew aside the curtain to reveal Mrs Nussbaum being pulled through the door by an excitable, square-faced dog.
‘Morning, Lizzie!’ trilled Mrs Nussbaum, barely managing to stay on her feet. ‘Meet our newest member of staff, Bambi!’ Bambi barked a greeting.
‘Goodness!’ cried Lizzie, holding a hand out for the dog, who sniffed at his new friend with enthusiasm. ‘He’s lovely but are you sure about having a dog in the shop? It might scare people off.’
‘Ach, he’s an absolute süsse Maus,’ declared Mrs Nussbaum, ruffling the top of Bambi’s head. ‘My neighbour is moving to Australia to be nearer to her children so I suggest that he come and work for us. We can take him for a walk at lunchtime and he will keep me company at night. He is a Boxer, so he will be an excellent guard dog but I think that he will be a great hit with the customers too.’
Just as long as he doesn’t decide to take a chunk out of any of them, thought Lizzie. Bambi, obviously keen to get started in his new job, was straining at the lead so Lizzie took it from Mrs Nussbaum and led him down the shop. She spotted a mother with a pushchair about to enter the shop and then bid a hasty retreat once she saw Bambi. ‘Doggy!’ shouted the child as her mother ushered her away.
Lizzie sighed. ‘Come on, you,’ she said, pulling Bambi back. ‘I think we’re going to have to find you somewhere to sit where you won’t get into trouble.’ The dog whimpered agreement and settled down in an empty unpacking box next to Lizzie.
Mrs Nussbaum appeared a short time later with two mugs of tea. ‘Shall we have a try at the crossword?’ she asked.
Lizzie smiled and accepted the tea. ‘Good idea. We can do it while I’m placing the orders and then I’ll head to the bank.’
Lizzie appreciated this routine with Mrs Nussbaum. It was part of the reason why she felt safe here and had never contemplated going elsewhere. They worked companionably together but rarely discussed life beyond the day to day. Mrs Nussbaum sometimes mentioned Leonard but only in passing. Lizzie suspected that the old lady was as lonely as she was and she knew that they both found comfort in each other’s company. Today she considered telling her about Bea but she worried that Mrs Nussbaum might think her odd for not mentioning it before so she kept quiet. She didn’t want to do anything to upset her life here. She needed something constant in a world without Bea.
As the day progressed, Bambi settled very well into his new role. He seemed to understand instinctively the difference between friend and foe. He accompanied Lizzie to the bank like a professional security guard, barking at a charity collector who tried to stop them in the street. Back at the shop, he followed a mother towards the door when her toddler dropped its cuddly rabbit.
‘You might want to wash that,’ Lizzie remarked, fishing it out of Bambi’s mouth and handing it back to her.
The woman was startled but her face soon softened into a smile. ‘Oh thank you,’ she said. ‘There would have been hell to pay if we’d lost that. Aren’t you a lovely dog?’
‘Eeee!’ cried her child, pulling Bambi’s ear in appreciation. Lizzie held her breath, but Bambi turned towards the little girl and nuzzled her gently in the ribs. She began to giggle and hug the dog’s bony head.
‘Ahhhh, you’re a treasure aren’t you?’ said the mother, rubbing Bambi’s head. ‘I think it’s a great idea to have him around. The kids will love him.’
By the end of the day, Bambi’s celebrity status was assured. ‘Congratulations, Bambi. You’ve passed your probation and the job is yours if you want it,’ Lizzie said, feeling relieved as she locked the front door. Bambi barked an affirmative and followed her down the shop to where Mrs Nussbaum was counting the takings in the back room.
‘We’ve had a good day,’ said the old lady, glancing up from the piles of coins and notes.
‘Must be something to do with our new member of staff,’ said Lizzie patting Bambi on the head.
There was a knock at the front door and Bambi immediately turned on his tail to greet whoever it was. Lizzie followed behind and was surprised to see Susie and Ben from the coffee shop. Susie was peering through the glass eagerly whilst Ben stood behind her, arms folded, an impatient scowl on his face. They looked like comical opposites. Bambi reached the door first, barking as if to say, ‘What do you want? Friend or foe?’ Lizzie noticed Ben’s face dissolve into a smile at the sight of the dog. She unlocked the door and stood back to let them in. Bambi sniffed around them and, deciding they were friends, sat obediently at Ben’s feet ready to have a fuss made of him. Ben knelt down to stroke the dog, talking to him in a low, reassuring voice.
‘Hi, Lizzie,’ grinned Susie. ‘We thought it was high time we came and introduced ourselves properly to our landlady, didn’t we, Ben?’ Ben didn’t look up or speak.
‘Ben!’ hissed Susie.
‘What?’ said Ben, glancing up with the look of a petulant teenager.
Susie rolled her eyes at Lizzie. ‘I’m very sorry about him. He’s basically feral so I have to do all the talking for him.’ Lizzie smiled. She liked this woman. She was certainly a lot more engaging than her other half. Everyone knew that opposites attract but these two seemed so different, Lizzie couldn’t imagine what they might have in common. ‘Anyway, we also thought if there’s any way to join forces, you know, coffee and books go really well together so –.’
Lizzie nodded. ‘That’s a great idea but maybe you should speak to Mrs Nussbaum about it? She’s just out the back.’ Susie looked blank and Lizzie realised her confusion. ‘Oh, did you think I was the landlady? Heavens no, I just work for Mrs Nussbaum.’
‘Oh right, sorry,’ laughed Susie. ‘I’ll pop down and say hello then shall I?’ She looked down at Ben who was still communing with his new friend. Susie shook her head. ‘Don’t let my brother overwhelm you with his charm, will you?’
‘Oh, you’re brother and sister,’ said Lizzie with genuine surprise.
Susie looked appalled. ‘You thought we were an item didn’t you? Euw!’ She laughed. ‘Looks like we both got our wires crossed! Back in a sec,’ she said, walking towards the back room.
Lizzie glanced over at Ben, feeling awkward and unsure of what to say. As he got up from his kneeling position, she was immediately struck by his height. He was at least six feet tall and thick-set like a rugby player. Ben was frowning at his surroundings now. He ran a hand over his stubbly chin and looked unimpressed at having to do this at the end of a long day. It was obvious that Susie had dragged him here and the way he sighed and glanced at his watch made it equally obvious that he didn’t want to stay any longer than necessary. Lizzie was beginning to feel uncomfortable. The silence was awkward and she didn’t understand why he was being so offhand with her. It was at moments like this that she wondered what Bea would do. ‘Don’t let people make you feel small, Lizzie Lou. You have as much right to be there as they do,’ she would say. It didn’t really work for Lizzie. She didn’t have the confidence that surrounded her sister like a magic cloak. Still, maybe it was time to find her inner Bea. She cleared her throat. Ben glanced over expectantly and Lizzie realised she had to say something.
‘Sorry about confusing Susie for your girlfriend,’ she said. Brilliant. Well done, Lizzie. Start with an apology. That always gets people on side. Ben shrugged but said nothing. Lizzie swallowed. She couldn’t work out if he had a problem with her or the whole world. She was panicking now so the words came thick and fast. ‘Although obviously I don’t mean that having Susie as a girlfriend would be a bad thing. She’s very attractive and lovely, absolutely lovely. I mean I don’t really know her but she seems lovely. She’s certainly been very friendly to me. I’m sure she would make a lovely girlfriend for someone but obviously that’s not you because you’re her brother.’ Ben was staring at her now. Lizzie couldn’t blame him. She was rambling like a crazy woman, making no apparent sense, just filling the air with words. ‘Sorry,’ she said again.
He gave the merest shake of his head as if he couldn’t quite believe this individual standing in front of him. He glanced down at the dog and then back at Lizzie. ‘You know they need a lot of exercise,’ he said.
‘I’m sorry?’ There it was again. Another apology.
‘Boxers,’ he said with barely masked impatience. ‘They need a lot of exercise. My family had a couple when we were growing up.’
‘Oh. Right,’ she smiled as if they were having a cheerful exchange of dog facts.
‘So you can’t keep him cooped up in a bookshop all day. He’ll go potty.’
Lizzie did her best to ignore the implied criticism. ‘Well I do take him for walks.’
‘How many times a day?’
She didn’t like the way he was interrogating her. It was making her feel uncomfortable. She glanced towards the back room but Susie was obviously deep in conversation with Mrs Nussbaum. ‘Er, once?’
Ben looked almost triumphant. ‘He needs to go out at least twice a day.’
‘Okay,’ said Lizzie feeling anything but.
‘I’m serious. This is a very energetic dog. Anything less than that is just cruel.’ He folded his arms and looked at her as if he’d just thrown down a challenge.
‘Well I’ll do my best,’ said Lizzie feeling cornered.
Ben shook his head in exasperation. ‘It just infuriates me that people take on dogs without any thought for what they need. It’s all about the humans - selfish, lazy humans.’
‘Well I’m sorry that you feel like that but Bambi is actually very well loved and happy,’ said Lizzie in a small voice. She wanted this rude, judgemental man to go away so that she could go home and re-read Bea’s letter and have a good cry. She didn’t understand why he was being so unkind to her. She’d only just met him.
Ben put out a hand to pat the dog and his face softened. He looked back at Lizzie with a flicker of regret and was about to say something when Susie came bustling from the back of the shop. ‘What a lovely lady,’ she declared. Glancing at Lizzie and Ben, she immediately picked up on the mood. ‘What did he say?’ she demanded. Ben rolled his eyes.
‘Nothing. It’s fine,’ lied Lizzie. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got somewhere I need to be.’
Susie shot a scowl at her brother before turning to Lizzie and touching her on the arm. ‘Ignore him. He’s still getting over a very messy divorce and it’s turning him into a sociopath.’
‘Why don’t you take out an ad in the paper and tell everyone my business?’ cried Ben, throwing up his arms.
‘Good idea,’ said Susie, winking at Lizzie.
‘Oh I’ve had enough. I’ll see you later,’ said Ben disappearing out of the door.
Susie grimaced. ‘Sorry about that. I said too much. It’s one of my failings. He’s a good guy really, just had a tough time and I’m doing my best to look out for him, you know?’
‘I do,’ said Lizzie, thinking that she really did know about sisters looking out for their siblings. ‘And don’t worry. It’s really none of my business.’ And it’s never likely to be, she thought.
‘Well I’ll see you around. Pop in any time. I could do with some light relief from my brother’s erratic moods,’ smiled Susie.
‘Okay,’ said Lizzie. ‘See you.’ She locked the door behind her and breathed a sigh of relief. Susie was lovely but Lizzie decided to steer clear of Ben. She might give the coffee shop a miss for a while.
Arriving home a little later to find Bea’s letters where she had left them that morning made Lizzie smile. She wondered what her sister would have thought of Ben. Bea would have given him a piece of her mind. She wouldn’t have let him speak to her as Lizzie had. Her phone buzzed with a text. It was from Joe.
‘How about London Zoo at 11 on Sunday? Looking forward to seeing you.’
After her encounter with Ben, she found his words reassuring. There were people who wanted to see her, who were looking forward to seeing her and they were people who probably loved Bea as much as she did. She experienced a tingle of excited anticipation as she texted back.
‘Great. Looking forward to it too.’
She realised that this was true and it was a strange and new sensation. It was as if there were two versions of Lizzie now; the lonely one that lived in her safe, protected world here with her books and eccentric customers, and the other Lizzie, who was about to embark on a journey into the unknown. Lizzie wasn’t sure which version she wanted to be but knew that she had to find out.
Chapter Four (#ulink_df279dd1-9f1c-53ad-a245-649789c5638f)
The Following Sunday
Lizzie had forgotten how long the walk was from Camden Town to the zoo and arrived out of breath, late and with a new blister on her heel. It had been drizzly and overcast when she left home but now the cloud was lifting and the early autumn sun was doing its best to warm the day. She spotted Joe and Sam waiting at the entrance wearing cagoules and rucksacks. She smiled and waved, hurrying across the road to greet them with a breathless, ‘Sorry! Have you been here long?’ Joe dismissed her concern with a smiling shake of his head but Sam was less forgiving.
‘Over half an hour,’ he said with a frown.
Joe raised his eyebrows. ‘It’s fine, Lizzie. Don’t worry,’ he said, giving Sam a warning nudge.
‘Okay. Sorry. Shall we go in?’ said Lizzie, feeling as if she’d fallen at the first hurdle and needed to keep them moving. The queue was long and slow and as they waited, Sam started to fidget.
‘How much longer?’ he moaned to his father.
‘It takes as long as it takes, Sammy,’ said Joe giving Lizzie a conspiratorial smile.
‘I need the loo,’ declared Sam.
Joe rolled his eyes. ‘Really? Right now?’ Sam shrugged.
‘You two go. I’ll wait in line,’ said Lizzie, already feeling out of her depth. Joe smiled gratefully and led Sam away. It took Lizzie another twenty minutes to buy the tickets. By the time she met them just inside the entrance, the sun was beating down and she felt sticky and hot.
‘Phew! I could do with an ice cream. How about I treat us all to one?’ she said trying to break the ice.
‘But we haven’t seen anything yet,’ said Sam.
‘Oh. No. Well maybe we could have one in a bit,’ said Lizzie. She noticed that Sam was addressing all his comments to his father and realised that this wasn’t going to be easy.
‘Well I’d love one,’ said Joe. ‘Thank you, Lizzie,’ he added, giving Sam a meaningful look.
‘Oh all right then,’ said Sam rolling his eyes and when his father raised his eyebrows at him, ‘Thank you.’
Lizzie returned with their ice creams and Joe opened the map. ‘So what do we want to see first?’
Sam shrugged. ‘Whatever.’
‘Well I vote for the penguins. Come on, follow me!’ Joe led them along the path past the birds of prey and some rather frightening-looking vultures. ‘Don’t like the look of those!’ he declared cheerfully. Sam ambled along in silence, licking his ice-cream. They reached the penguins just as a zookeeper was about to feed them. ‘Oh brilliant,’ said Joe, ‘perfect timing. Look Sam.’ They watched as the penguins lined up in comical anticipation, shuffling for best position to win a fishy treat. Lizzie looked at Sam’s face which was lost in wonder, listening to the keeper deliver her speech. As the first fish was thrown and one of the penguins darted forwards to catch it, she saw the ghost of a smile cross his face.
Joe moved to stand next to Lizzie. ‘He’s a good kid,’ he said.
‘I’m sure,’ she said.
‘It’s been really hard for him.’
‘Of course.’
‘It’s hard for all of us, but Sam’s just a child. He talks like a teenager, he’s got attitude like a teenager, but he’s still a child who’s lost his mother.’ Lizzie nodded. She hadn’t expected Joe to be this open and was starting to realise how little she really knew him. She had only met him a handful of times and if she was honest, had always dismissed him as Bea’s other half and no match for her perfect sister. ‘I’m glad you called, Lizzie. I think it will help, and Sam never stays grumpy for long. I was surprised to hear from you though.’
Lizzie was ready for this. ‘I decided it was time I got to know you properly.’ She didn’t want to mention the letters. She was still working them out in her own head.
‘Well I’m glad you did. You must miss her terribly.’
Lizzie looked at him. He was a washed-out version of the Joe she remembered from years ago. He had always been tall and thin but he looked as if he’d lost more weight than he needed to. He also seemed stooped as if grief was pushing him into the ground and his face was bristly with accidental stubble; the kind that sprouted due to lack of care.
She felt an unexpected wave of fondness. ‘I do. Probably just as much as you.’
He nodded. Lizzie could see how he was struggling to keep everything together. She surprised herself by reaching out a hand to touch him on the arm. ‘It’s okay. I understand.’
He smiled at her gratefully and it was as if those two words were the permission he needed to confide. ‘I still say good morning to her,’ he said quietly. ‘I’ve got her photograph beside the bed and every morning I say, Morning you, still not here then.’ He gave an embarrassed laugh. ‘I’ve never told anyone that.’ Lizzie smiled. ‘You know how she used to look at people with those cat-like eyes?’ Lizzie nodded. ‘It was like you were the only person in the room. She had such presence didn’t she? And energy. And enthusiasm for life. Sometimes I feel as if Sam and I are rattling around the house like the last two balls on a snooker table. She gave us direction, you know?’ Lizzie nodded again. She knew this only too well. ‘I mean I’ve always looked after Sam, played the house-husband and all that, but she always came back. I keep expecting her to come back. Like in the mornings when I wake up, I forget she’s gone. I half expect to hear the shower hissing like in the days when she went out to work. I can almost imagine her bursting back through the bedroom door, bustling round the room, getting ready. Sam would usually have got into bed next to me and nestled into Bea’s space. Bea would often stalk towards him, fingers ready for tickling and growl, Who’s been sleeping in my bed?’ He grinned at the memory and it seemed to Lizzie as if he were lost, almost forgetting where he was. She noticed him bite his lip in an attempt to suppress the emotion. ‘Hark at me going on. Sorry, Lizzie. It’s just good to talk to someone who knew her,’ he said.
‘Don’t give it a second thought. It is good to have someone to talk to,’ said Lizzie. As soon as the words were out of her mouth Lizzie realised the truth behind them. Bea had been the only person Lizzie had ever confided in. She was the only one who really understood and yet here was Joe, opening up to her as if they’d been friends all their lives. She admired the way he could reveal the details of his grief to her and she understood what he was saying. She felt it too. She wouldn’t necessarily reciprocate but she found it comforting to be talking about her sister and gave him an encouraging smile.
