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Pamela closed the door and walked back to the kitchen, pausing to gaze at her children’s photos. Her gaze rested on Matthew’s university picture. She’d been so proud as she watched him collect his degree from the Dean. But even then, Barry had been disparaging.
‘What’s he going to do with an English degree?’ he’d scoffed. Pamela had shushed him but she saw from the dark look on Matthew’s face that he’d heard. Poor Matthew. Pamela felt for him. He’d had articles published, of course, and managed to get by, but she sensed that he compared himself unfavourably to his siblings. Pamela had therefore taken on the role of chief protector. Laura and Simon seemed sorted but Matthew – her Matty – needed a bit more support. Barry might disagree but wasn’t it important to feel that your mum had your back, regardless of how old you were? Pamela’s maternal instinct told her that it was and Barry would just have to deal with it.
Pamela moved around the kitchen fetching the ingredients for toad in the hole. She liked to make her batter early and leave it to sit – it seemed to make for a fluffier Yorkshire. She went to the fridge and realized that she still didn’t have any milk, having insisted that Fran take home the remainder of the pint she’d brought with her.
Pamela picked up her bag and made for the door. She considered telling Barry where she was going but realized that he wouldn’t notice anyway. She felt as if she was punishing him somehow by just leaving the house. She knew it was childish but she was still cross with his comment about Matty earlier that morning. Didn’t he understand that he would push their son away if he carried on like that?
Pamela breathed in the fresh spring air as she made her way to the end of the road to Doly and Dev’s shop. She loved this time of year – the trees bursting with new life, everything beginning again.
The bell tinkled above the door as she entered the shop. Doly’s head popped out from behind the shelf she was stacking. ‘Pamela! How are you?’ she said with a smile. Pamela felt a surge of warmth from that smile. Doly always seemed so happy and calm. She wondered what her secret was.
‘I’m fine, thanks, dear. How about you? How are your lovely girls?’
‘Noisy but beautiful.’ Doly beamed. ‘How is your son? Has he found a job yet?’ Pamela shook her head. ‘Well, it’s not much but I may have some runs to the cash and carry if he’s free. Dev and Hasan have had to go back to Bangladesh for a while as their grandmother is ill.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, Doly. Thank you for the offer, I’ll talk to Matthew.’
Doly nodded. ‘Tell him to come and see me if he’s interested. Now what can I get you?’
‘Just milk, thanks, Doly. Oh, and I’ll take this too,’ she said, picking up a large bar of Fruit and Nut.
‘Happiness is a big bar of chocolate, right?’ said a voice. Pamela turned to see Heather smiling at her.
‘Oh hello, lovey. I didn’t see you there. How are things?’
Heather nodded. ‘Pretty good, thanks. I’ve just finished my shift at the bakery and popped in for this.’ She held up a bottle of white wine. ‘Luke and I are finally going to talk weddings tonight.’
Pamela clapped her hands together with delight. ‘How exciting! Don’t forget to let me know if you need a wedding cake baker.’
‘Thanks.’
‘I look forward to hearing about your plans next week.’ Heather looked puzzled. ‘At the next course?’ prompted Pamela.
‘Yeah, I’m not sure if it’s for me. I mean, I’m pretty happy,’ said Heather, screwing up her face.
Pamela tried and failed to hide her disappointment. ‘Oh. But I thought you, Fran and I were a team.’
Heather bit her lip. ‘It’s only been a week, Pamela – I’m sure you’ll be fine without me.’
‘Of course.’ Pamela nodded, embarrassed. ‘I’m just being silly.’
A silly old woman getting ahead of herself. Why would this lovely young girl want to spend her Wednesday evenings with an old frump like me?
Heather looked guilty. ‘No, you’re not silly. It’s me. I’m just not sure I need the course.’
Pamela nodded. ‘I understand. Although I did think we’d make a good trio and was looking forward to getting some tips from you bright young things. I’m sure Fran and I will manage. She’s been through so much losing her Andy – I want to support her if I can. But then you understand that what with losing your parents too.’
Heather eyed Pamela for a second before shaking her head and smiling. ‘All right, you win. I did enjoy it more than I thought I would. I’ll come along to the next one and see how it goes, okay?’
Pamela brightened. ‘Oh that’s wonderful, Heather! What’s your favourite cake?’
‘Pardon?’
‘Your favourite cake – I’ll make it for next week.’
‘You don’t need to…’
‘I’d like to.’
‘Okay…lemon drizzle?’
‘Perfect.’ Pamela handed over her money to Doly. ‘Cheerio for now and thanks again, Doly, for offering to help my Matthew,’ she said before heading back on to Hope Street. Pamela felt a wave of hope as her concerns about her son and irritation with Barry were pushed to one side for a moment. She’d found Matty a job, had two new friends and was embarking on something fresh and exciting. It was as if a different door had been opened in her life. All she had to do was take a step through and see what was on the other side.
Chapter Seven (#ulink_84b613e2-6670-5cd3-89bd-fcfb91a62fd1)
Heather
Happiness List
1. Marry Luke!
Freddy stared at Heather, a look of sheer puzzlement on his funny little old man face. It was as if he was trying to figure out a particularly difficult calculus problem. Without warning, his face reddened with exertion as he emptied his bowels to the sound of a loud wet fart.
‘O-oh, somebody needs a change,’ remarked Gemma. ‘Heather? Do you want to take this one?’
‘I’ll give it a go if you want me to?’ winced Heather.
Gemma laughed. ‘Your face! I’m kidding. I couldn’t do it to you. It’s like dealing with nuclear waste. One day you’ll understand that you never agree to change a baby’s nappy unless that baby belongs to you. Right, come on, my boy,’ she cooed, plucking Freddy from his rocker chair. ‘Back in a sec.’
Heather watched Gemma go, pondering her ‘one day’ remark. The thought of having a baby of her own thrilled and terrified Heather in equal measure. Seeing Gemma with Freddy had been strange at first but now, she couldn’t picture a world without him and it had sparked her own maternal curiosity. Heather was used to being second in the running when it came to the milestones of life but then Gemma was two years older. She didn’t mind. Gemma was her trailblazer and she loved her for it – where she went, Heather followed.
She looked around Gemma’s living room now at the baby paraphernalia – you clearly needed a lot of stuff for these tiny human beings. There was a pram the size of a smart car in the hall, a fleece-lined rocker chair, which Heather decided that she wanted if they ever made scaled-up versions for adults, as well as all manner of black and white, mirrored, textured, squashy toys, which Freddy seemed to mostly ignore.
Heather tried to picture all these items in her living room. She and Luke kept a pretty tidy house. They weren’t compulsive about it – no bean tins facing outwards in the cupboard or magazines kept at right angles – but it was neat and ordered. Still, maybe babies stopped you worrying about stuff like that, maybe you had to just go with it.
She tried to picture Luke with a baby. She couldn’t ever remember seeing him with a child. He’d been working the last couple of times she’d met up with Gemma. They’d talked about babies in passing and she remembered him being positive – not effusively so but enough for her to feel satisfied that he would want kids one day. Maybe it was time for Luke to get to know Freddy a little better – one flash of that gummy smile and he’d be signing up for fatherhood quicker than you could say ‘baby-led weaning’.
‘Here we go – all clean,’ said Gemma as she carried Freddy back into the living room and held him out to Heather. ‘Would you like a cuddle?’
‘With you or the baby?’ Gemma laughed. ‘Come on then, Freddy Fruitcake, let’s see if I can make you cry like last time,’ said Heather, reaching out her arms to take him.
‘He was much smaller then, don’t worry, he’s a bit sturdier now. In fact, Ed reckons he could have a promising rugby career.’
‘Okay, but be ready for the first sign of trouble,’ warned Heather. ‘I haven’t had much practice.’ Heather shifted Freddy so that he was sitting, cradled on her arm. They were eyeball to eyeball. Heather held her breath – this could go one of two ways. All of a sudden, Freddy’s eyes brightened with recognition as if he’d spotted an old acquaintance who he hadn’t seen for years. His mouth lifted into an ‘o’ as he bowed forwards and planted a wet, gummy greeting onto Heather’s face.
‘He kissed you!’ cried Gemma with delight. ‘He only does that to Mum and me. You should feel very honoured.’
Heather felt her throat thicken as Freddy drew back and eyed her with a look that said, I like you. She had a sudden glimpse into Gemma’s world and it was lovely. ‘Thank you, Freddy,’ she laughed, kissing him on the top of his head. Freddy’s smile widened even further and he kissed her again and again, relishing Heather and Gemma’s delighted reactions.
‘You should get one,’ joked Gemma, gesturing towards her son. ‘He likes you and he’s a notoriously tough one to please. He screamed when this little old lady cooed at him in the supermarket the other day. Mind you, she did stink of fags and was missing a couple of teeth.’
Heather laughed. ‘Well, seeing how happy he makes you,’ she said, tickling Freddy under the chin, ‘and given that you and I share a love of vodka-based cocktails and Justin Timberlake…’
‘A round of cosmopolitans for the JT girls!’ cried Gemma.
‘Cheers to that, my friend!’ Heather grinned, holding up an imaginary glass. ‘I think it stands to reason that I would enjoy this motherhood lark as much as you do. Plus, he smells so good. Why does he smell so good?’ she asked, inhaling her godson’s downy head, making him giggle. ‘And that laugh? Surely, that’s the best sound in the world.’
Gemma regarded her for a second. ‘I’m going to level with you, coz. For me, having a baby has been the most knackering experience of my life, my fanny’s a car crash and my nipples are so effing sore, but honestly?’ She gazed over at Freddy with a look of pure, unadulterated love. ‘I wouldn’t change it for the world. I mean, between ourselves, it would be good if Ed helped out a bit more, but aside from that, I’ve never been happier.’
Heather smiled at her cousin. ‘Well here’s a thought. How about Luke and I help out by having Freddy overnight one Friday so that you and Ed can go out?’
Gemma stared at her wide-eyed. ‘That’s a big ask. He can be a pain to settle. Are you sure you’re up for it?’
Heather nodded with enthusiasm. ‘Absolutely. It’d only be one night and it’s win-win. You get a night out, I get time with my godson and Luke and I get to practise at being parents.’
‘Let’s hope he doesn’t put you off for life,’ laughed Gemma.
Freddy gazed up at Heather as she covered his ears. ‘Mummy doesn’t mean it, Freddy. You’re going to have all the fun with Auntie Heather and Uncle Luke.’
‘Do you think Uncle Luke will be okay with it?’ Gemma frowned, doubtfully.
‘Why do you say that?’
Gemma shrugged. ‘Oh, I dunno. Pardon the pun but I thought he was a bit lukewarm about kids.’
Heather frowned. ‘When did he say that?’
Gemma chewed her lip for a moment before dismissing Heather’s concerns with a wave of her hand. ‘Do you know, it’s probably just my baby brain getting mixed up. I’m sure you’ll have a great time. Well I’m not but I want to go out and drink gin so let’s pretend, shall we?’
Heather laughed. ‘Stop worrying. It’s going to be brilliant, isn’t it, Freddy?’ Freddy squeaked in reply. She smiled and glanced at her watch. ‘Blimey, I need to get going. Wednesday night is happiness night.’
‘Oh yeah, your course. How’s it going?’ asked Gemma, reclaiming her son and following Heather into the hall.
Heather gave a positive nod. ‘I only went along to the first one because I couldn’t face another night in on my own, but actually, it was pretty interesting.’
‘Luscious Luke still working all hours then?’
Heather sighed. ‘Yeah, but at least we’ve had a chance to sit down and discuss the wedding. I have a shortlist of three venues.’
‘That’s great. Sorry, Heth – I meant to ask you about that but we got distracted by babies.’
‘It’s fine, Gem, he’s a gorgeous distraction,’ she said, leaning forwards to kiss them both.
‘I’m glad you’re getting the wedding sorted and remember to shout if I can help with anything.’
‘Just being my chief bridesmaid and helping me choose my dress is all I need.’
‘Done,’ said Gemma with a grin.
Heather made for the door. ‘Right. I’m off to talk mindfulness and eat lemon drizzle cake in a draughty community hall.’
‘There are worse ways to spend an evening.’
‘Very true. Take care and speak soon. Bye!’
Heather glanced back before she drove off, waving at Gemma standing on the doorstep with Freddy in her arms. As she focused on the road, she felt a dip of sadness in her chest, a tug of longing for when she and Gemma were growing up. Heather missed those days – Saturdays shopping in the nearby town, trying out lipstick in Boots and sitting in McDonald’s nursing a strawberry milkshake for hours as boys would come and go like interview candidates. Gemma always seemed so in charge when it came to the opposite sex. Heather would watch in awe as some teenage boy, his face peppered with acne and sprouting stubble, would sidle over and try to get her attention. Gemma would flirt with the ones she liked and introduce the ones she didn’t to Heather. Heather didn’t mind – she received all her cousin’s cast-off clothes so why not the boys as well? As the younger cousin, she was just grateful to be in Gemma’s presence – she was her guiding light and her protector too. When one boy tried to persuade Heather to go for a ‘walk’ in the municipal gardens, Gemma tipped the rest of her milkshake over his head and told him to get lost before she told the whole restaurant that he was a pervert. Heather smiled at the memory. No one messed with Gemma Sharp.
She and Gemma were still close and they would always have that bond from growing up together but there was a distance now. It wasn’t just the geography – Gemma lived less than an hour away. There was an emotional distance too – the inevitable growing apart that came with marriage and motherhood. It was normal and natural but it made Heather feel as if she was drifting and somehow losing her anchor to the past.
It made her realize how much she needed Luke, how much she loved and couldn’t wait to marry him – to get on with their life, to make it something happy and wonderful, something she’d needed ever since her parents died.
‘So,’ said Nik, smiling as he stood before the group hours later. ‘Did any of you experiment with mindfulness this week?’
‘I tried mindful baking,’ admitted Pamela ruefully.
‘And how did it go?’
‘I fell asleep.’ She grimaced. ‘I ended up burning my buns. I never burn my buns.’
Nik gave her a sympathetic smile.
‘Sorry to say it but I don’t think I have time to be mindful,’ declared Fran. ‘I can’t be present whilst chopping up cucumber, admiring the glistening discs of translucent green or whatever. I just need to get it done and move on to the next thing.’
Nik nodded. ‘The world is busy. But let me ask you this, if you go for a run, can you keep on running indefinitely?’
‘Well no, obvs. You need to take a break from time to time.’
‘Exactly, so mindfulness is a way of taking a moment, a break from the constant rushing, a time to reset your brain if you like – to observe what is happening. Some people learn to be mindful all the time and if you practise enough, this is possible. But I would say that perhaps this isn’t realistic so you should think of it as a form of exercise to start with. And tonight we’re going to try something to help us practise.’ Nik took a Tupperware box from his bag and lifted the lid. ‘Sultanas,’ he said, walking around the circle. ‘Help yourself.’
‘Sorry, I’m on a diet,’ joked Fran as she took one.
Nik smiled. ‘I would like you to imagine that you have never seen a sultana before.’ Heather and Fran exchanged amused glances. ‘Take a moment to look at it properly, observe its appearance. What do you see?’
‘Sorry, Nik?’ said Jim.
‘Yes?’
Jim looked sheepish. ‘I’ve already eaten mine. I thought it was a snack.’
‘Me too,’ said Sue. ‘I haven’t had my dinner and I was hungry.’
Nik laughed. ‘Okay, here you go,’ he said, handing out replacements. ‘Now, try for a moment to observe the sultana. Look at it carefully and share your thoughts if you want to.’
‘Brown?’ offered Pamela.
Nik nodded encouragingly.
‘Shrivelled,’ said Heather.
