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She sighed. ‘And someone needs to just get on with their job and stop bothering me,’ she said, switching off her phone. ‘So is the lovely Ed looking after your son this evening?’
‘Er, no, actually. Dan is with him.’
‘Oh, well, that’s good news, isn’t it?’
I guess our definitions of ‘good’ differ somewhat, I thought as I scuffed one shoe across the ground. ‘I’m glad he’s spending time with Woody,’ I replied.
Caroline regarded me for a second. ‘May I speak frankly, Natalie?’
I’d really rather you didn’t but I fear you’re going to, whatever I say. We all know that offering to speak frankly comes second only to ‘Don’t take this the wrong way’ and ‘With the greatest respect’. It is merely code for ‘I am about to insult you and validate that insult by asking your permission first’.
Still, I was at a low ebb and starting to get desperate. ‘Go ahead,’ I replied, bracing myself.
She looked me in the eye. ‘You seem like a good person and an attractive woman too.’ Wait for it. Wait for it. ‘But from what I’ve seen, you’ve let things slide.’ A killer glance at my hair. ‘It’s important for a woman to keep her husband’s interest.’ I winced with feminist indignation. ‘I mean, take Oliver and me, for instance.’ Oh, please, I wish someone would. ‘I know how to keep him engaged in our relationship and it’s not just to do with sex, although of course that’s important.’ Yeah, just a warning, Caroline. If you start giving me details of your week-long tantric love-making sessions, I will vomit. ‘Whenever I feel that we’ve lost track of our relationship, I’ll make a grand gesture, do something special, just to keep things fresh and interesting.’ She made it sound like a trip to the supermarket. ‘For instance, last year I booked a sky-dive because it’s something we’ve always wanted to do together.’
‘Well, I’m afraid of heights so that’s not really going to work,’ I joked.
She narrowed her eyes. ‘No, but you have to find something that does because it’s so easy for things to change after you have children – to lose sight of you as a couple.’ Bloody know-it-all – bloody know-it-all with a point. ‘I’m more than happy to give you some suggestions if you would like?’
Visions of Caroline making Dan and me do a tightrope walk across the Thames popped into my head. ‘Thank you, Caroline. I’ll give it some thought.’ She was a preachy cow but she meant well.
She nodded with satisfaction. Our conversation was interrupted as Guy appeared in the doorway. He smiled at us both. ‘Hello, ladies. Are you enjoying it?’ he asked.
‘Oh very much, Guy, thank you so much for everything you’re doing,’ gushed Caroline.
He nodded and turned to me. ‘And how about you? Sorry, we met briefly at Caroline’s house but I don’t know your name.’
‘Natalie, Natalie Garfield.’ Although who knew if this would be my name for much longer. ‘Yes, it’s been very emotional.’ I’m not sure why I said this. I think it came from a movie but it was an honest answer.
He fixed me with a look. ‘Music is a powerful weapon.’
Yeah, one which can knock you sideways if you let it, I thought.
‘So, Guy, you didn’t tell me where you grew up. I’ll bet we know some of the same people,’ interjected Caroline. ‘Where did you go to school?’
‘Kelsey Wood School,’ he murmured. He seemed cowed by Caroline’s interrogations. Join the club, Guy.
‘Oh, my goodness! That’s where my father taught.’
‘Oh, really?’ he replied without any real interest.
‘Yes. Mr Winter? He was the Headmaster.’
Guy shook his head. ‘I don’t remember him.’
Caroline narrowed her eyes. ‘No, you might be too young.’ She was about to ask another question but Guy cut her off. ‘Sorry, Caroline. If you’ll excuse me,’ he said. ‘I really need to fetch something from the car for the next half of the rehearsal.’
‘Of course.’ Caroline beamed. ‘I can grill you another time.’ Guy looked scared. Poor man. I wondered if he knew what he was letting himself in for. ‘He’s marvellous, isn’t he?’ she remarked after he’d gone.
I shrugged. ‘He seems nice.’
One of Caroline’s friends appeared in the doorway. ‘Caroline, do you want a cup of tea?’ she asked.
‘Thanks, darling,’ replied Caroline. ‘By the way, Zoe, this is Natalie Garfield, remember I told you about her – the children’s book writer?’
‘Oh, wow,’ cried Zoe. ‘We love Ned Bobbin in our house,’ she said, showing me an impressive set of chalk-white teeth.
‘Thank you,’ I said.
‘Are you coming?’ asked Caroline, turning to me.
I nodded with a feeble smile. ‘Yep, I am,’ I replied, following her back into the hall. I was coming to realise that you couldn’t run away from Caroline Taylor.
As I walked home after the rehearsal, I had to admit, albeit grudgingly, that I’d enjoyed myself. Despite my outburst, it was friendly and fun and even Caroline wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. As I reached the front door, I felt my heart rise and dip with the thought of a) seeing Dan and b) having to talk to Dan.
‘How was it?’ he asked as I appeared in the lounge doorway.
‘A bit emotional,’ I replied, watching his face. ‘We sang “Something Inside So Strong”.’
He nodded. Is that it? I cry my eyes out over a song and a shopping list for kaffir lime leaves and lemongrass. And you nod.
‘Do you remember when I nearly got the words from that tattooed on my arm at my stag do? I thought it was the perfect wedding present for you.’ He laughed. So you do remember.
‘I forgot about that,’ I smiled, the seed of an idea forming in my mind. I stared at him. I miss you, Dan. I miss you so much. ‘Woody misses you,’ I said. Actually, Woody hadn’t said this but I was sure it was true.
‘I miss him too,’ he replied. But do you miss me? Even just a little? Actually, I don’t want to know. It’s probably better if I don’t. ‘Why don’t I come round every week while you’re at choir? That way, I’ll get to see him while you go and do something for yourself.’
‘My new hobby?’ I suggested. I brightened at the idea. At least it would mean that I saw him regularly and we might have a chance to sort this mess out.
‘Exactly. Did you enjoy it?’
‘I did. I think it was good for me. I spend too much time at home with my own thoughts, you know?’
He reached out a hand and touched my hair. ‘You deserve to be happy, Nat.’
I smiled at him, at the man I’d married, the man I loved. Yes, I do deserve to be happy. Happy with you. That’s what I signed up to when we got married. Please don’t go. Please stay. Please pretend none of this has happened and let’s try again.
‘I better make a move,’ he said.
‘How’s your hernia?’ I asked. Wow, Nat, great conversation starter.
He smiled. ‘It’s fine. I’m just waiting on the date for my op.’
I nodded. ‘Sorry for my outburst last week, by the way. My brain went into overdrive.’
He shook his head. ‘No, I’m sorry. I should have told you but what with everything …’ His voice trailed off. ‘Listen, I know we need to talk and I promise we will soon. We’ll sort everything out.’
I nodded. ‘We usually do.’
He put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head before he left. I stood for a moment in the hall watching the shape of him disappear, listening to his car drive off and then my hand felt where he’d left the kiss and I hugged myself. I stayed like that for a moment as if movement would disturb the feeling. Dan was still in my life and I could tell he still cared about me. All I had to do was to prove that this was a mere bump in the road, that I was the one – the all-new, all-singing, sexy, interesting wife, who he’d lost sight of. I was going to get Dan’s attention again and I knew exactly how to do it.
CHAPTER SIX (#ulink_55e9d31a-c631-5503-ab8a-118a07964deb)
CAROLINE
As I drove to the nursing home on a bright spring morning, I sang along to the Adele song on the radio. I wouldn’t normally sing in the car but last night’s rehearsal had rekindled my love of singing, leaving me feeling refreshed and ready to face the inevitable adversity of today’s visit. Goodness only knows that I needed a little positive energy for what lay ahead. I was fully expecting an argument but I was ready too.
I couldn’t have been happier with our first choir rehearsal. It would be a challenge to transform us into a proper choir but all in all, it had gone much better than I’d expected. The standard of singing was reasonably high and I could see that Guy was the perfect man to run it. I had even found talking to Natalie a surprising pleasure. She was something of an emotional train-wreck and I was happy that I’d been able to help her with a little marriage guidance.
When I got home from choir, I had flicked my phone into life to see that I’d had three missed calls and a voicemail message from the home. I recognised Peter Jarvis’ humourless tone immediately.
‘Mrs Taylor, we believe you’re coming in to see your mother tomorrow. We need to have an urgent meeting to discuss her care options.’
Care options? It sounded so innocuous. I knew what they were going to say.
‘Your mother’s behaviour is increasingly challenging, we’re no longer able to cope with her frequent outbursts. We may need to re-think.’
Re-think all you want. You knew the deal when you took her in and I pay you an extortionate amount to care for her. Take the money and get on with it.
The sun was shining as I pulled into the drive and one of the gardeners was planting some geraniums, begonias and snapdragons ready for the summer. All looked calm and lovely. I made my way through the door into the bright entrance hall. St Bartholomew’s corridors bore the sharp tangy smell of old age underpinned by the cabbagey whiff of whatever meal had just been consumed. I loathed everything about the place but especially the smell. I always breathed through my mouth when I visited but could still detect the stench on my clothes when I got home.
The home itself was a pleasant enough chalet-style building with wide corridors and lots of windows looking out towards a lovely garden. Apart from being a nice enough place to live, I had chosen it because they had a specialist team who could deal with people with dementia. At least that’s what they’d told me. However, given the number of calls I had to field because my mother was being difficult, I was starting to wonder.
I visited once a month because to be honest, that’s all I could take. Quite apart from the shifting sands of my relationship with my mother, I couldn’t bear to spend any more time than necessary in this place. It made me consider things I didn’t want to think about – Zimmer frames, wrinkles and the pervasive stench of urine. This wasn’t my world. I was young and fit and didn’t want to be reminded of the inevitability of old age. Call me shallow, call me unfeeling but spend an hour in the company of my mother and you would feel the same.
The receptionist looked up at me from behind black-framed glasses that didn’t suit her. She acknowledged me with a brief smile of recognition. There was judgement behind that smile.
‘Good morning, Mrs Taylor. If you could just sign in, I’ll let Peter know you’re here.’
‘Thank you,’ I replied, taking the pen from its holder. I wrote my name before taking a step back into the waiting area, doing my best to ignore the neat piles of Saga magazines.
‘Mrs Taylor,’ said a voice behind me. I turned to see Peter Jarvis, manager of the home. He didn’t even try to smile. ‘Shall we go into my office?’
I followed him along the corridor. When I first came here to look round, they had offered me tea and cake. I could remember rooms full of snowy-white-haired old ladies and well-turned-out gentlemen doing stimulating activities, smiling and happy. This time, there was no offer of tea and all I could smell was that day’s lunch, which reminded me of cat food. My stomach flipped.
Peter ushered me into his office and heaved his large backside onto the chair behind his desk. I took my place opposite him, noticing the certificates rewarding ‘excellence in care’ on the wall and a framed photograph on the desk of his similarly fat wife and two chubby children.
He pressed his fingers together and looked at me. ‘Mrs Taylor, I have to tell you that we have a problem. Did you get my call last night?’
I was irritated by his accusatory tone. How dare he talk to me in this way? I decided that attack was the best form of defence. ‘We most certainly do have a problem,’ I replied. ‘I pay a great deal of money for my mother’s care and I do not expect to be called in the evenings because your staff are unable to do their job.’
He blinked at me in surprise before regaining his composure. ‘Your mother tried to stab one of our staff with a pair of nail scissors.’
It was my turn to be surprised now. My mother had certainly been trying in the past but it was mostly verbal abuse. She had never tried anything physical. ‘I see.’ I wasn’t sure what else to say.
‘So you can understand that we have a problem. I appreciate that your mother requires specialist care but I cannot have my staff placed in danger.’
‘Where is she now?’ I asked. I had visions of her locked in a padded cell.
‘In her room. We had to call out a doctor to sedate her. It took two nurses to restrain her. She’s very strong.’
I felt an odd sense of pride at this, even though I knew it was wholly inappropriate. ‘I take it she didn’t actually hurt anyone?’
He shook his head. ‘Our staff are well trained and fortunately the nurse in question saw what was happening and reacted quickly. She managed to get the scissors from her but your mother kept trying to fight them, which is why we had to call the doctor, unfortunately.’
‘Can I see her?’ I asked.
‘She may be a little sleepy but I can get a nurse to take you to her, of course.’
‘I meant the nurse,’ I replied. ‘I want to apologise on behalf of my mother.’
Peter looked confused. ‘There’s really no need.’
‘All the same, I’d like to.’
‘Okay, and then we can take you to your mother.’
‘Well if she’s sleepy, there’s probably no point.’ I knew I was trying to wriggle out of it. Peter Jarvis knew this too. He gave me a grave look.
‘Mrs Taylor, I really think you need to see your mother. Forgive me if I speak out of turn but I think she needs to see you. The nurses tell me that she calls your name at night sometimes.’
Anger and guilt washed over me. ‘You are speaking out of turn, but seeing as we are laying our cards on the table, I will try to reason with her if you can promise to continue with my mother’s care as you see fit. Confiscate anything dangerous, sedate her if necessary but please, don’t cast her into the street.’ I stared him down, noticing how he shifted with discomfort in his seat. See? I can layer on the guilt and drama too.
He pursed his lips and smoothed his tie. ‘We will continue to care for your mother but please take this as a first and final warning. If anything like this happens again, we may need to exclude her.’
My cheeks burnt red with humiliation but I took it. I had to. St Bartholomew’s was my only hope. ‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘I appreciate your honesty and commitment to her care.’
He nodded, raising his hefty bulk from the chair. I followed him back along the corridor. Two nurses were walking towards us. ‘Oh, Laurie,’ said Peter to one of them. A woman of about my age with an open, friendly face stopped and smiled at us. ‘This is Mrs Winter’s daughter.’
I watched her face and saw no flicker of reaction to the incident. In fact, she held out her hand to me. It was small and cool to the touch. ‘Pleased to meet you,’ she said. ‘Shall I take you down to see your mum?’
‘I’ll leave you to it,’ said Peter, turning away. ‘I’ll be in touch, Mrs Taylor. Thank you for your time.’
Laurie nodded to her colleague before ushering me along the corridor. As we reached the door to my mother’s room, I stopped and turned to her. ‘I just want to say sorry—’
Laurie held up her hand. ‘There’s really no need,’ she smiled. ‘Your mum would never hurt me. It’s a stage of her disease, although I am concerned that something has upset her lately. She seems more het up than I’ve seen her before.’
‘Oh. I see.’
‘I’ve only been working here for about three months but she seemed a lot calmer back then. Have you noticed anything?’
I stared at her, unable to think what to say. I only saw her once a month so honestly had no real way of knowing. ‘Perhaps.’
‘I’m very fond of your mother. She thinks the world of you.’ She smiled again.
‘Does she?’ I asked with genuine surprise. Unlikely, given our history.
Laurie nodded. ‘She says your name all the time. I think she’s lost in memories from the past but you’re always in them.’
