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He tensed and turned to find Martine giving him an abashed smile.
“I mean, I know it’s been a long time, but I still think about it sometimes. What our wedding would’ve looked like. What our life would’ve been like.”
He took a deep breath. This conversation was making him more than a little uncomfortable, but he had to remember that he was the one who’d screwed this woman over. She hadn’t done anything wrong. It really had been a case of “it’s not you, it’s me.” And waiting until a few weeks before the wedding to figure that out had been a dick move. “It would’ve been a mistake, Marti. I’m sorry for how long it took me to figure that out, but we wouldn’t have worked.”
She let her gaze follow the bride and groom’s progress instead of looking at him. “You don’t know that. Yes, if you’d really been gay, it wouldn’t have worked. But”—she nodded toward Evan, who was vigorously snapping away with her camera, her back to them—“clearly you’re not opposed to women.”
He wasn’t going to stand there and talk about kink and his preferences and why the bisexual thing would’ve been the least of their incompatibilities. It wasn’t the appropriate place, and it wasn’t Martine’s business. “Are we really going to do this right now?”
She pursed her lips, and he was reminded of how pretty she was. When he’d first asked her out in college, he’d been shocked that she’d said yes. She’d seemed out of his league. And as it turned out, she was, but not in the way he’d thought.
She huffed. “Andre, you can’t tell me that being in some strange three-way relationship is what you want. Was all that talk we had about having kids and raising a big family just blowing smoke? I thought you wanted to be that dad who’s the little league baseball coach and who buys a big house with land so there’s room for kids to play.”
He frowned and adjusted the camera bag again. Those plans he’d had back then seemed dusty and distant now. He’d grown up in a strict but loving household, one of four kids, extended family nearby. He’d always loved having that network of people around, and had once upon a time thought he’d recreate it with someone like Martine. But he hadn’t known who he really was back then. That traditional life had no place for him.
He crossed his arms, feeling colder than he had a few minutes before. “Things change. We grow up. What you think will make you happy and what actually does are often two different things.”
“And are you happy?” she asked, not pulling any punches. “Even though you don’t have those things you thought you wanted?”
His gaze moved back to Evan, and now she was looking his way, a questioning expression on her face. He could tell it wasn’t anger but more an offer to come over to help extract him from the conversation. He smiled and lifted a hand to her as if to telepath, It’s all right, bella, I’ve got this.
He turned back to Martine. “I’m very happy.”
No, he didn’t have that big family or a house with land. He had a condo in the city, a job that challenged him, and two lovers who he’d move the earth for and who’d do the same for him. He didn’t need anything more than that.
Martine sighed, and the smile that she offered him was genuine, but her eyes held sadness. “I’m happy for you then. Truly.”
“Thank you,” he said, feeling like a jerk again. “And you seem to be doing great, too.”
She gave a little laugh. “Oh, am I giving off that impression? Well, that’s good. Glad I’m pulling it off.”
“Is it wrong?”
She waved a dismissive hand and took a sip of the champagne she held. “Lord, look at me, this is why I shouldn’t drink at weddings. I get all maudlin. No, I’m fine. I have a great job. My family is doing well. I just bought a house in Southlake. I have nothing to complain about.”
But she didn’t have someone. That’s what wasn’t being said. “I’m glad you’re doing well.”
She smirked. “Yep, fantastic. But hey, maybe we could have lunch sometime or something. Catch up. I haven’t seen your sister or the rest of your family in ages. I’d like to hear how everyone’s doing.”
He rubbed his lips together and glanced at Evan again. He was so ready to get out of here.
“Come on, I’m sure your girlfriend knows I’m not a threat,” she teased and set her drink down on a nearby table to dig in her purse. She handed him a business card. “What’s grabbing a sandwich with an old friend?”
He took the card. “Thanks, but I work weird hours, so lunch isn’t always doable.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m a detective with the Dallas PD.”
Her eyebrows lifted, impressed. “So the bad boy now catches the bad guys?”
He sniffed. “Something like that.”
“Well, I’m sure we can find a time at some point to connect.” She stepped into his space, and before he realized what she was doing, she planted a kiss on his cheek. “See you soon, Andre.”
Not if he had anything to do with it. He didn’t hold any bad feelings toward Martine, but he also knew the woman was a determined one. And he got the feeling her idea of “old friends reconnecting” was very different from his.
A few minutes after Martine strolled away to talk to a group of older ladies, Evan sidled up next to him. He took the camera from her hands and she rolled her neck. “So do I need to cut a bitch? Because my back hurts, the plate of hors d’oeuvres they gave me made me nauseous, and some va-va-voom woman is trying to hone in on my guy. I’m ready to scrap.”
Andre chuckled and wrapped an arm around her waist. “No need for fighting. My virtue is safe from her.”
“What was she talking to you so intently about then?” Evan asked, her blue eyes more tired than normal.
He pushed her bangs to the side. His girl was working too much. “She was wondering how I could possibly be happy.”
Evan snorted. “Meaning without her?”
He rubbed his hand along Evan’s back, his own weariness settling in. “Yes and no. She knew a different version of me back then—one who wanted a big family and a house in the country. You know, all those dreams that change and shift as you figure out who you are.”
Her lips lifted at the corner. “Farmer Andre?”
He laughed. “Oh, hell, no. My sister got my dad’s veterinarian genes. Taking care of animals and crops and shit—way too much work. I just wanted the open space.”
“And the family?” she asked, her tone a little too nonchalant.
He smiled and bent to kiss her. He knew kids were a touchy topic for Evan. She’d had to place a baby for adoption when she was a teen, and it still haunted her a bit even though it had been the right decision for her at the time. “I have a family, bella. You and Jace are my family. My heart and my house are full. I don’t need anything else.”
She sighed and laid her cheek to his chest, but he couldn’t tell if it was a happy sigh or not. “Can we go home now?”
“Yeah, sure. You okay?” he asked, running a hand over her head.
“Not sure. That food really messed with my stomach. Remind me to never eat sushi in a landlocked state.”
“Words to live by.” He let her go and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Let’s get you home and into bed.”
She gave him a wan smile. “Always trying to get me into bed.”
“You know it.” But the humor in his voice didn’t match the concern that filled him when she turned and one of the ballroom lights illuminated her face. Evan always had a fair complexion, but she looked particularly pale tonight, the spots beneath her eyes taking on a bruised tone. Bad sushi or not, one thing was clear: she was worn the fuck out. He and Jace were supposed to take care of her, and they obviously hadn’t been doing their job.
Even though they were both dominant and liked to control things, they tried not to interfere with Evan’s schedule. Her work was her passion. But she also could go overboard and work herself to death, which was completely unnecessary. She’d grown up in a situation where every penny made was precious, but that wasn’t her life anymore. They didn’t need the money. She didn’t need to run herself down.
Andre tucked all of the lenses back into the right bags and helped Evan collect her tripod and the rest of her equipment, then led her out to the car. By the time they got home, she was sound asleep in the passenger seat. He took a moment to watch her—dark lashes over pale cheeks, the rise and fall of her breath, the way her lips curved into an almost smile when she rested. His bella, quietly beautiful in a way that Martine could never hold a candle to. This girl filled him up.
He lifted her out of the car and carried her upstairs, passing Jace, who’d apparently fallen asleep on the couch waiting up for them. Andre smiled.
No, he didn’t have what he’d thought he wanted.
But he definitely had what he needed. And if he sometimes got pangs for things he used to want, that was okay, too. He’d make those sacrifices a thousand times over to be with these two people. No one could have it all. And he had more than he deserved.
After he tucked Evan into bed, he pulled Martine’s card from his pocket and tossed it in the trash. That past had no place in his life anymore.
Chapter 2 (#ulink_7ed4941e-1a12-59bf-952e-cd9e93e2f389)
Jace blinked and rubbed his eyes, disoriented for a second until he realized he’d fallen asleep on the couch. The living room was dark except for the flashing light of the TV, and the arm he’d laid his head on had gone numb beneath him. He groaned, shaking out his arm, and sat up. He glanced toward the hallway that led to their bedroom. Had Evan and Andre come home and left him on the couch? That wasn’t like them. But before he could pull his thoughts together, noise from the kitchen drew his attention.
He pushed himself up from the couch and padded barefoot into the kitchen, where he found Andre fixing a bowl of cereal. Jace leaned against the doorway, watching the quiet, efficient moves of his lover, still amazed at how differently he saw Andre now. They’d lived together as best friends and roommates for years, and Jace had put such a friend wall up that he’d blocked out the attraction growing between them. But now that the truth had come out, he found it impossible not to see the guy for what he was—gorgeous and his. “We still have some lasagna left over in the fridge if you want something more substantial.”
Andre looked back over his shoulder. “Oh, hey. No, this is fine. And sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up.”
Jace scratched his chest and yawned. “No worries. You know the rule. If you wake someone up, be prepared to get them off.”
Andre laughed. “Oh, is that right? Is this a newly minted edict?
“Yep.”
“Uh-huh. So every time you wake me up with your snoring, I should nudge you awake and demand a blow job?”
Jace grinned. “I can work with that.”
Andre’s gaze traveled over Jace’s bare chest, interest sparking there, but then he seemed to dismiss the thought, a distracted look crossing his features. He pushed himself up to sit on the counter and grabbed his bowl of cereal. “You didn’t have to wait up for us. She told you we’d be late.”
Jace shrugged and stepped into the kitchen. “The bed feels too empty when y’all are gone. Plus, I had to catch up on some work stuff anyway.”
“Work stuff,” Andre said, frowning. “Feels like that’s all we’re doing lately.”
Jace went to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. “Yeah, it’s been a crazy few months for all of us.”
“You’re not kidding. I thought we were all holding it together pretty well with our schedules. But tonight I got a chance to see Evan at work. She’s wearing herself down, man,” Andre said between bites of cereal. “She fell asleep in the car on the way home and said she wasn’t feeling well.”
Jace straightened, that tidbit raising his concern. “Is she sick?”
“Not sure. Maybe. Even if she isn’t, she’s running herself down.” His gaze darted toward the doorway as if to make sure Evan hadn’t appeared. “I want to talk to her about it and suggest she take a break, but I also don’t want to come across like a controlling asshole.”
Jace turned, the worry in Andre’s voice becoming his own. Telling Evan to slow down would be a risky conversation. She liked to stay busy. She’d suffered from depression in her past, and Jace got the feeling that always being on the move and staying occupied were her ways of making sure it never returned. He wasn’t convinced she trusted happiness yet. Every time she’d had a glimmer of it before, it had been yanked away. So he understood that it would take some time for her to fully believe that what she, Jace, and Andre had was real and lasting.
But he also didn’t want her driving herself into the ground in the meantime. Because unlike in the past, she had him and Andre for support now. If any bad feelings tried to claim her again, they would be there for her and help her through it.
But straight up telling her she needed to take a break probably wouldn’t be very effective. Evan did a beautiful job submitting to him and Andre in the bedroom, but God help the man who tried to dictate things outside of it. Jace would have to approach it from a different angle. “Has she taken a weekend off since that Saturday we spent at The Ranch?”
A few weeks ago, they’d all gone to the private BDSM resort they belonged to and had spent the entire day and night indulging in all the kink resort had to offer. He’d even gotten Andre to play submissive alongside Evan, which was a rare occurrence. Andre was a switch and could enjoy both sides of the fence, but usually he had a hard time resisting the fun of topping Evan.
“I don’t think so,” Andre said. “And I didn’t realize how intense doing weddings can be. She’s all over the place, carrying around that equipment, dealing with highly emotional people. I feel drained from just following her around, so I can’t imagine how she must feel doing two or three of those a weekend. And for money we don’t even need.”
Jace swallowed another gulp of water and shook his head. “I swear, sometimes I wonder if she thinks we’re going to up and leave her. It’s like she’s determined to build some nest egg just in case. If I thought it would help, I’d take my damn bank account and sign it over to her.”
Andre grunted in agreement. “I know, but can you blame her? She grew up being bounced around in foster care, and our relationship isn’t exactly the picture of traditional stability. She’s too smart not to prepare for every possible outcome.”
Jace sniffed. “If this isn’t stable, I don’t know what is. We love her. We’ve collared her.”
“I know. But it’s not that simple.” Andre looked pensive, staring down at his cereal bowl. “I ran into Martine tonight.”
Jace blinked, startled for a moment by both the shift in topic and the news. “Your ex?”
“Yeah. She works with the groom,” he said, not looking at all happy by that turn of events. “And she saw me with Evan, so I told her about our relationship, since I’d given Martine the impression that I was gay. But when she heard that I’m also with a guy, I could tell she viewed the whole thing as a whim. That’s what everyone thinks—we’re on some kinky adventure that we’ll get out of our system before we grow up and set up actual lives.”
“That’s bullshit,” Jace groused, even though he knew that was what most outsiders thought. The vanilla world didn’t understand what collared meant. They didn’t understand what to do with people who didn’t match up in neat pairs.
“It is. But regardless, I’m not sure Evan doesn’t still have a little of that doubt in her mind, too. Hell”—he set down his bowl and made a frustrated gesture with his hand—“even I feel insecure about it sometimes.”
“What?” Jace said, the admission punching him flush in the gut. He set down his water bottle.
Andre grimaced at Jace’s tone. “Look, I don’t doubt that we all love each other, or that we aren’t all committed to this. Because God knows, you two are everything to me. But come on, Jace, worry has to cross your mind. I mean, sometimes I look at y’all together, and I wonder if I’m just in the way. You two could be perfectly fine without me, and damn, how much easier would that be on you both? You could get married and no one would ever look at you two sideways.”
“Okay, now you’re just pissing me off,” Jace said, stepping forward, arms crossed. “If you think we’d be fine without you, you’re not paying much attention. You are not the spare tire on this road trip, Dre. And you fucking know it.”
Andre sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just—I don’t know. I want us all to feel secure. I do. But wanting it and having it actually be so are two different things. So don’t think that the same thought hasn’t crossed Evan’s mind. If she comes home and finds the two of us in bed together, you don’t think she wonders if we’d be okay without her in the picture?”
“No, I hope she’s thinking, Hey, I’m here in time to join in.”
Andre smiled at that. “Well, knowing her, she thinks that, too. But we can’t pretend that not having that piece of paper or the law saying we’re married doesn’t play some role. None of us are traditional, but we live in a society that is, and we have all grown up knowing that saying I do is the seal on that deal. And our girl has to see those I dos every weekend. I saw one tonight, and even I, who hasn’t thought about weddings since my engagement, had a little kick of jealousy that I can’t go back home to the church I grew up in and stand in front of God and my family and commit myself to the people I love. There’s something sacred in doing that, the finality of it. And we don’t get that privilege.”
Jace laced his hands behind his neck and blew out a breath, the weight of all that Andre had said making him feel heavier than he had a few minutes before. He hadn’t thought about things like legal papers and church weddings making any kind of difference. Those things weren’t part of his orbit. He’d been in the kink world so long that, frankly, he couldn’t give a shit what the legal system said about his relationship status. And he’d seen firsthand how “sacred” those marriage vows were when his dad had cheated on his mother. And when his ex-wife had cheated on him. Marriage seemed like a sucker’s bet.
But he hadn’t looked at it from Andre’s and Evan’s points of view. Andre had grown up in a strict Catholic household with parents who’d been married since they were young. And Evan had been in foster care, where papers and the legality of relationships meant everything. So Jace could see how their commitment could feel less secure in their eyes.
And, of course, he couldn’t magically make the laws of the land or of the church change. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t do something to make it better. They’d had their collaring ceremony privately. None of them had wanted an audience that day. But afterward, they’d never celebrated their commitment in a public way. And they didn’t refer to each other as husband and wife. But saying boyfriend and girlfriend did seem empty now that he thought about it. Temporary.
The last thing he wanted was for either of his lovers to feel like their time together was limited. Jace had waited too damn long to find this kind of happiness, and he wasn’t about to let the two people he cared most about in the world feel like anything less than the very center of his universe. It was his fault for not recognizing the insecurity sooner. He needed to fix this.
An idea began to form in his head and he stepped forward into Andre’s space. Andre didn’t protest when Jace moved between Andre’s knees. “I hate to break it to you, Dre, but you’re not getting out of this. You try to bail on us, and I will hunt you down like some psycho stalker.”
Andre smirked. “I’m the cop, remember. I do the hunting. I’m not the hunted.”
“Sorry, Detective, you don’t get to pull rank around here. And Evan would be after you, too. I bet she was ready to take Martine down tonight.”
Andre laughed, his warm breath coasting along Jace’s neck. “She totally was.”
“Good, so don’t go out getting ideas about where you think you do and don’t belong.” Jace wrapped his hand around Andre’s neck and squeezed. “Because you belong to us, you understand?”
Jace’s tight grip on his neck must’ve triggered something in Andre, because that heated look flashed through Andre’s eyes. “Yes, sir.”
Sir. Fuck, that never got old. Jace loved sharing the dominant role with Andre. But he’d be lying if he said that when the tough-assed cop let his submissive side shimmer to the surface, it didn’t make everything inside Jace go hot.
He tugged Andre closer, pressing his chest flush against him, and their mouths collided. Andre braced his hands on the edge of the counter and gave himself over to the kiss—like he needed it more than anything in this moment. Their tongues twined, the taste of Andre’s cinnamon cereal lacing the kiss. Jace’s hold on Andre’s neck moved upward, his fingers sliding into and gripping his dark hair. The tension in both of them melted as the kiss deepened, and Andre’s cock grew hard against Jace’s stomach. Jace’s body responded in kind, and he groaned when Andre reached down between them and wrapped his hand around Jace’s stiffening erection, the pajama pants offering little to dull the electric touch.
Andre broke away from the kiss, both of them breathless, and met Jace’s gaze. “So I’m ready to pay you back for that rule I broke.”
Jace’s hormones were whirring too fast to catch his meaning. “What rule?”
