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The warm buzz of hope that had filled her only a short while ago faded fast.
“What exactly do you mean by that?”
“It’s too late for me to do anything about the embryo transfer. As much as I vehemently disagree with what you did, I can’t undo it. But I can make sure that my children are brought up safe.”
“That’s what I want, too,” Kayla agreed.
“Really? And yet you were the one who brought a stranger in off the street to live with you and Sienna. A woman whose background you hadn’t investigated, someone with no references. Honestly, Kayla—a drug addict? That’s your idea of safe?”
“She wasn’t on drugs when I invited her to stay here. And she showed me her qualifications. She is a trained child-care worker and she loved Sienna.”
No matter how much she remonstrated, Kayla knew in her heart that Van was right. She trusted people too easily and look where that had left her. Broke and broken.
“Did you know she was suspended from her last place of employment because she failed a drug test—not once but twice?”
Kayla felt sick to her stomach, and not just because she was pregnant. “No, I didn’t know that.”
“Obviously.” Van pushed his fingers through his hair, messing it into a wild tousle that only made him look even more lethal, more attractive, than ever. “I want custody of the children.”
“Shared custody, of course. I think it’s important that the children get to know their father.”
Van cast her a look, his green eyes as deep and unfathomable as a forest lake. “No, Kayla, you misunderstand me. Not shared custody, full custody. It starts with Sienna and will continue with the new babies when they’re born.”
That sick feeling inside her surged. “You can’t mean that. You can’t take her away from the only parent she’s ever known. It would be cruel. Besides, she’s mine. No judge will award you full custody. You signed away your rights already.”
“No judge? Really? And when shown your unstable background, your bad choices and your deadbeat friends, do you really think a judge isn’t going to look more favorably upon me? Let’s see, shall we?” He began to enumerate a few of the escapades she’d gotten caught up in as a teenager, some of which had involved the police.
“Look, everyone makes mistakes when they’re young and foolish. Half the population of this country wouldn’t have children if what you did as a kid was the only measure of how appropriate a parent you’d be.”
“And now, Kayla? You’re what, a masseuse?”
He said the word as if she was no more than a street-corner prostitute.
“I’m a fully trained massage therapist. There is a difference, you know. I’m respected and I’m good at my job.”
“A job that takes you away from Sienna, right? A job that makes you leave her in the care of someone phenomenally unfit. And tell me, Kayla, does this job of yours pay so well that you can afford to stop work and care for three children under the age of two? Or were you planning to go to the local homeless shelter and find more day-care options there?”
“I’ll manage—with your help, of course.”
“With my help,” he repeated grimly. “You’re a piece of work, you know that? How much money do you have left in the bank?”
“That’s none of your business.”
She’d saved a few hundred dollars since Zoe had cleaned her out. Not much, but it was a start.
“I’m guessing that even if you’re saving, it’s nowhere near enough for you to even make the rent here when you have to stop working after the babies are born, is it?”
“I’ll manage. I always have before and I will again. I’ll sell Sienna’s jewelry if I have to.”
Kayla lifted a hand to finger the gold chain at her throat. Van’s eyes tracked the movement and she felt the burn of his gaze as if it was a physical touch searing her skin.
“And you think that’ll help? And what about when that’s all gone—have you thought about that? Be honest with yourself, Kayla. No court is going to declare you a fit parent—especially not in comparison to me. I’m a decorated veteran, a stable and successful businessman, I’m engaged to be married and I have a debt-free home.”
He was engaged?
For some reason that one piece of information sent a wave of desolation through her—as though she’d lost something very important without even realizing it. It was stupid, she told herself. It wasn’t as if she and Van had ever been close growing up, and that one-night stand the evening after Sienna’s funeral had been more of a release of mutual grief than attraction. But even so, she still couldn’t look at Van without remembering that night with him. That night she’d wondered if—no, hoped, she finally admitted to herself—they could move forward from that point and discover whether they could have more together.
But he’d run away, hadn’t he? Just like he’d done when he’d turned eighteen and joined the army. Just like he’d done when Sienna’s diagnosis had come through and he’d transferred to Special Forces. It seemed that when the chips were down, Van Murphy couldn’t be relied upon. So how good a father would he be?
She stood up and squared her shoulders, ignoring the dull throb emanating from her forehead, and looked him in the eye.
“You might think that all it takes is money to be a parent, Van Murphy, but prepare yourself for a monumental fight. A man like you could never be a decent father and my children—yes, mine—deserve better than a man who cuts and runs whenever the going gets tough. They deserve love and I’m betting that’s something you’re never going to be capable of giving to anyone.”
* * *
Van listened to her words, felt each one like a hot round of lead attempting to pierce the shield he’d wrapped around his emotions a long time ago. She was probably right. The children certainly did deserve more love and affection than he knew how to offer, but the alternative was emphatically not her lackadaisical approach to life, either.
He forced himself to smile. “You haven’t changed a bit, have you, Kayla? Still the dreamer, still thinking everything will all work out in the end if you just believe in it enough. But life, real life, is not like that.”
“Isn’t it? Tell me, then, the men you had working for you here tonight. You served with them?”
Where the hell was she going with this? He crossed his arms and nodded.
“And when they came home, they were broken, weren’t they. Physically and probably mentally, too.”
He grimaced. Those had been bad days.
“And you gave them something, didn’t you? You gave them a purpose, gave them back their pride. Because you believed in them, you made them see that they still had skills and worth and something to offer. And they’re happy now, aren’t they? So don’t tell me that things don’t work out in the end.”
He didn’t like the way she made him feel or the way she made him think. He turned and went to the door.
“Yes, that’s right, Van. You run away, and you keep on running!” she said forcefully at his retreating back.
From the bedroom, he heard Sienna’s cry. “My daughter needs you,” he said coldly. “Best you attend to her.”
“Yes, that’s right. I’m what’s best for her and don’t you forget it.”
He wasn’t likely to forget the fierce look on Kayla’s pale face, nor the impassioned glare in her eyes. Her expression haunted him as he pounded down the stairs and along the sidewalk toward his car. She was right about his running, he thought as he drove back to the city. But what she didn’t understand was that running meant survival. It meant staying safe both physically and emotionally. And if that was what he had to do, then that was what would happen.
He glanced at the time on the dashboard display. Almost 1:00 a.m. It wouldn’t be worth the hour-and-a-half drive south to head to his home. Even if he filed a night flight and took the chopper, he’d no sooner be asleep before he’d need to be up and flying back to San Francisco. He might as well stay in his apartment.
After putting his car in the parking garage in the basement of the building, he took his private elevator up to the apartment. The moment the doors swished open, a tingle of awareness warned him that he wasn’t alone.
A single light shone in the sitting room, bathing the woman who curled up in a corner of his sofa in a golden glow. Dani. He wondered how long she’d been waiting here. She must have sensed his arrival because she stretched like a cat and opened her eyes.
“Everything okay?” she asked, getting gracefully to her feet and walking toward him. “I called Imelda to see if you’d gone back to the house tonight but she said you weren’t home, so I assumed you’d show up here eventually. Are you happy to see me?”
She lifted her face to his and kissed him. He met her kiss perfunctorily.
“I wasn’t expecting you,” he said.
She frowned, her mouth a moue of disappointment at his lukewarm reception. “I know, but we’re here now, right? We can still make the most of what’s left of the night.”
Dani lifted her left hand and tucked her hair behind one ear. The movement caused her diamond to flash, reminding him of the decision he’d reached in the car on the way over here. She started to smile invitingly, but when she realized he still wasn’t responding in kind, her expression grew serious.
“What is it, Donovan? Is everything okay?”
He sighed. No, everything most certainly was not.
“We need to talk,” he said.
“That doesn’t sound promising. Can it wait? Maybe things will look better in the morning and...” she arched one brow and gave him a look full of sensual promise “...perhaps I can distract you in the meantime.”
Any other day, any other week, he’d have taken her up on the offer. Not after tonight, though, and not after the decision he’d made.
“I’m sorry, Dani—” he started.
“It’s her, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“The woman with the baby last month. Is it yours?”
Van wiped his face with one hand. This was going to be harder than he thought.
Dani continued. “Of course it is. She’s a beautiful child and looks a lot like you. But it doesn’t have to be a problem. Everyone can be bought for the right price, Van. Even past lovers. Pay her mother to leave you alone. If you take care of that little problem, we can carry on as we’d always intended.”
“It’s not as simple as that,” Van said.
He explained, in the barest terms possible, about his arrangement with Sienna and about Kayla’s decision to have her sister’s children—his children.
“I don’t see the issue. There’s no need for you to be involved in their lives. She came to you for money—give it to her. Make the problem go away, Donovan.”
There was a steely tone to her voice that showed a side of her he’d always known lingered beneath her smooth surface. Dani Matthews did not like to be thwarted. Normally, neither did he. But something had changed in the course of tonight. Instincts he hadn’t known he possessed had pushed up through his barriers. Protective instincts, fatherly instincts.
His mother and father had abandoned him in the pursuit of their next alcoholic buzz. His adoptive parents had been of the “spare the rod and spoil the child” variety, never showing love, never admitting pride in any of his achievements and never, ever, giving encouragement. He wouldn’t be like any of them. He had a chance to make things right for his children. To give them the stability and the opportunities his upbringing had never given him.
“No,” he said firmly. “I’m sorry, Dani, but our engagement is off. I’m going to be a father.”
Four (#ue1bdcc9f-1437-5722-81be-e99a9203aa6e)
Kayla lay on the bed staring hard at the screen, willing the sonographer to find that second heartbeat.
“Please,” she implored. “Look again.”
“Kayla, one out of two is still a good thing. A lot of women don’t even progress this far,” the woman said encouragingly.
Even though she knew the odds, Kayla couldn’t help but feel a sense of devastation that one of her babies hadn’t made it.
“You’re right, of course,” she made herself say in response. “I’m very lucky.”
And she kept telling herself that all the way back to work, but the instant she walked into the rooms she shared in a holistic wellness clinic, she felt her hard-fought-for composure begin to crumble. Susan, her boss and fellow therapist at the clinic, took one look at her face and raced forward to envelop Kayla in her arms.
“Oh, hon. Is the news that bad?” she said, sympathetically rubbing Kayla’s back.
“I’ve lost one, Susan. The scan showed only one heartbeat.”
“That’s still good news, though, isn’t it? You have one baby?” Susan loosened her embrace and held Kayla at arm’s length. “Look at you. I thought all hope was gone.”
Kayla gave her a watery smile. “I’m sorry. I’m just... It’s just...”
She couldn’t find the words to describe the aching sense of loss—and guilt—that had settled deep inside her. Every time she argued with herself that there was nothing she could have done differently to ensure the success of both the embryos, she was reminded of that night with Zoe. Of how physical it had gotten. Of how all of that was her fault. She’d brought Zoe into her home, into her and Sienna’s world. She’d left her phone on the coffee table, open to her internet banking. She’d done nothing about changing her locks after Zoe had left.
No matter which way she looked at it, it was all her fault. She felt like she’d failed—both the lost embryo and her sister. The day had started bad enough when, before she left for the scan this morning, the papers had arrived from Van’s lawyers; he was suing for custody of Sienna. It felt like an assault on her right to be Sienna’s mother and the mother of the babies—no, baby, she corrected herself—she carried and she had nothing to fight it with. Tears filled her eyes and began to roll helplessly down her cheeks.
“There, there, hon. Don’t take on so. Must be all those hormones heading into overdrive in your body, hmm? Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? You only have three bookings. I’ll cover for you, okay?”
Kayla reluctantly accepted Susan’s offer. She couldn’t really afford to take extra time off, not when she was so financially strapped, but right now the idea of working and investing what was left of her energy into other people was just too much for her. Sienna was in day care until five o’clock, so she decided to let her stay there and headed to her apartment. She hadn’t been sleeping all that well. Maybe she could just take a nap and be in a better headspace to figure out her next move.
She’d been dozing on her sofa for a couple of hours when she heard a knock at the door. Still fuzzy, she got to her feet and rubbed her face, surprised to find her fingers came away wet. She’d been crying even in her sleep. The reality of it all hit her again. There was another knock at the door.
“Kayla? I know you’re in there.”
Van. Of course it had to be him. The man had the worst timing in the world. She dragged herself to the door.
“I’m not really up for visitors right now. Can you come another time?” she said at the solid block of wood with its shiny new locks.
“This isn’t a social call. Open up.”
“Look, if you’re wondering if your papers got here today, they did. Okay? You can go now.”
“I’m here because I’m worried about you,” he interrupted. “Now open the door.”
Kayla’s shoulders drooped as emotion swelled through her again. He was worried about her? Worried about his progeny, more like. She had no doubt that she was nothing but a peripheral thought to him. She slipped the chain off, twisted the two locks open and swung the door wide.
“Come in,” she said listlessly.
She hadn’t been kidding when she said she wasn’t up to visitors, but most especially, she wasn’t up to him. She turned her back on him to head back to the couch, but not before she caught a whiff of his cologne. Funny how it didn’t make her stomach twist and revolt like so many other scents already did. The fragrance summed him up perfectly with its masculine woody blend and sharper citrus top note, and it reminded her anew of the difference between this man and the boy she’d known growing up—not to mention the man she’d sought oblivion with after Sienna’s funeral.
Van came in, locked the door behind him and came to stand by the sofa, where she’d reassumed her position lying down under a soft blanket. His eyes raked her, almost as if he was trying to see inside her.
“I went to see you at work,” he started.
Kayla felt her spirits dip even lower. Susan was a lovely woman but confidentiality was a foreign concept to her. She’d have told Van everything. His next words confirmed it.
“Your boss told me one of the embryos didn’t take.” He paused a moment, took in a deep breath. “Will you be all right? Is there anything I can do?”
“No, there’s nothing anyone can do. It happens. I was half expecting it but I still... I still hoped, you know?”
