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He cleared his throat, knowing he needed to say something before he lost his chance and she walked from the barn and out of his life again for good. He’d already pushed her away once, and he didn’t need another black mark on his conscience.
“Sarah,” he started, running a hand through his longer than usual hair.
She stopped and turned to him, her face tilted up to look him in the eye. Next to him she seemed tiny, fragile. In reality she was tall and willowy, but in flat boots she seemed much shorter than he remembered.
“I, well, I’m not myself right now, Sarah. I didn’t mean to snap at you before, but I can’t deal with any of this. Okay?” Nate knew it was a terrible apology, but it was the best he could come up with right now.
“I know you’re hurting, Nate,” she responded, closing the distance between them to touch his arm, to tighten her fingers against his skin.
He looked into her eyes, into deep amber eyes that had haunted him for years … in his sleep, while he was awake, when he had nothing else to do but think about what he’d left behind in his determination to fight for a greater cause, to serve his country in the absolute best way he could.
If only it was someone as sweet as Sarah who haunted his nights now. No longer dreams, but nightmares that relentlessly kept him awake night after long night.
“Nate?” Sarah was still touching him, her grip heating his skin.
He untangled himself. He had no other choice. Sarah touching him was too real; he didn’t want to feel human again, preferred the dull deadness he’d become used to. He didn’t want to acknowledge how kind she was being to him when he knew how badly he must have hurt her.
“I’m here for you, Nate. If you want to talk, if you need anything, don’t be a stranger.”
Sarah’s eyes were kind, the smile kicking up her lips so pure that he wished he had the guts to grab hold of her and not let her go. To fold her slender body against his and cradle her, to remember what they used to have, the man he used to be. To make him feel less like damaged goods and more like a human being again.
“Thanks,” he managed, his voice a husky octave lower than usual.
Sarah’s fingers skipped across his upper arm and she left, walked from the barn leading her young mare, ready to turn her out in the field again.
Nate stared after her until she disappeared, eyes caught by the softness of her silhouette. Slim-fitting T-shirt, worn jeans that she obviously found comfortable to ride in and that darn dog sticking close to her like he viewed Nate as an imminent danger.
Would she still use her maiden name? Nate forced the question from his mind, trying to refocus on the horse he was supposed to be brushing down.
So she was single again? What difference did it make to him? Nate had made a choice six years ago, and as far as he could tell, there was no going back from that.
Not now and not ever.
Sarah pulled out a chair from the table and dragged it across the room. She stood on it, rummaged around in the high cupboard and yanked out what she’d known to be hidden there.
She shouldn’t be looking at it, not after all these years, but seeing Nate had brought back a flood of memories that she couldn’t help but want to revisit. When she was married to Todd, she’d done her best to put the past behind her, but now …
Sarah smiled as she flicked to the first page. Hearts doodled in pink pen, Nate’s name written in curly letters that she’d thought were fancy at the time. There were pictures of them on the ranch and hanging out with friends, notes he’d written her back when they’d been in class. She’d kept them all, even after she’d married Todd and they’d moved in together, when she’d known they should have been forgotten about.
She turned to the last page, needing to wipe the smile off her face by reminding herself why they’d broken up.
Nate had looked so handsome that day, dressed in his uniform, cheeky smile on his face as he’d turned toward the camera.
They’d made promises the day he’d left to each other, promised that they’d find a way to stay together no matter what. She’d never wanted to hold him back, but then he’d always promised he’d come home. That they’d do whatever it took. Instead, he’d broken her heart, and made her realize that waiting for him had been a big mistake.
Sarah flipped the tattered book shut and left it on the table. Maybe she’d show it to Nate, maybe she wouldn’t, but now he was back there was no use trying to run from the past. She’d loved Nate with all her heart, and maybe, just maybe, she’d never stopped.
Sarah walked into the kitchen and made straight for the cake she’d made earlier. She had planned on giving it to Johnny for helping her out with her horse, but she needed a sugar fix and fast.
And not for the first time, she wished she wasn’t such good friends with the Calhoun family. It wasn’t like she could talk to them about Nate, not when it sounded like he wasn’t even on speaking terms with them himself.
CHAPTER THREE
NATE took a deep breath. He wasn’t used to being nervous, had spent years being the brave one no matter what the situation, but right now he was knee-shakingly worried.
He raised one hand and knocked lightly on the door, not wanting to alarm his sister or her new husband.
The door opened, only halfway, and Nate looked down to see a little boy with messy blond hair. His nephew. For some reason he hadn’t expected the boy to answer.
“Hey, Brady.” Nate could almost feel his blood pressure dropping from being confronted by a child instead of his little sister. She might be younger than him, but she could be darn bossy, and he was still wondering if he’d done the right thing in turning up. But he couldn’t hide away forever, and he was lonely. After so many years in the army, he was equal parts miserable about being alone and relieved not to have to pretend like he was okay to his buddies.
“Tell Holt that he can’t keep sneaking in the front door and stealing my chutney!” Jess called out.
Nate smiled. So Holt was still taking Jess’s things without asking. Some things never changed. Maybe he had missed them.
“Mom, it’s not Uncle Holt,” Brady called back, grinning as he grabbed Nate’s hand and tugged him into the kitchen. “It’s—”
The kid didn’t have a moment to get the word out.
“Nate!” Jess dropped what she was doing and rushed around the counter to him. “Johnny, turn the television off.”
Nate shook his head. “No, don’t make a fuss. I just thought I’d take you up on that offer of dinner. If you have enough to spare, that is?”
“Enough to spare?” Jess gave him a hug, her slender arms wrapping right around him, before she pulled back and kissed his cheek. “We always have more than enough to share, especially for my favorite brother.”
Nate gulped, pushing away the feeling that he should have stayed home alone. But he couldn’t stay there forever, and if he was going to try to make amends, then Jess was the person he wanted to start with. She was his youngest sister, and even though she liked trying to fix other people’s problems, for some reason he’d come to her instead of going up to the main house.
“So I’m your favorite brother now?” he joked.
Jess responded with a slap to his arm, followed by a tight, impromptu hug.
One step at a time, or at least that’s what he was trying to keep telling himself.
“Nate.”
He clasped hands with his brother-in-law, forcing a smile. Nate had nothing against the man, was pleased his sister had found happiness, and he seemed like a good guy; it was just that he wasn’t ready for small talk again yet. Especially not with someone he didn’t know.
“I hope you don’t mind me dropping in like this?” Nate asked Johnny, releasing his palm and stepping back, shoving his hands into his pockets.
“I know all about wanting to be alone, so you can come here whenever you want,” Johnny told him, slinging an arm around Jess’s shoulders. “This one here might try to talk your ear off, but—”
There was a soft tap at the door followed by the creak of it opening. Before Nate could raise an eyebrow at his sister, ask who they were expecting, or even turn, he caught sight of the grimace on Jess’s face.
“Are you …?” Nate didn’t even get to finish his sentence.
“Sarah,” Jess said with a smile, nudging him on the way past. “I was just about to tell Nate that we were expecting company for dinner, and here you are.”
Nate looked at Sarah, at the frozen expression on her face, and then surveyed the room. He should have realized when he’d arrived that something was up. The table was set with pretty napkins that he was certain wouldn’t be used on a nightly basis, and even Brady was dressed nice, not in clothes dirty from an afternoon playing outside.
“Nice to see you again, Nate.”
Sarah’s soft voice pulled him from his thoughts. He had no place being rude to her, giving her the silent treatment, so this was going to have to be his chance to redeem himself.
“You’ve already seen Sarah since you’ve been back?” Jess asked.
“I found Sarah under my tree this morning,” he told his sister, still not taking his eyes from the woman standing in the entrance to the room, cake held out awkwardly in one hand, bottle of wine clutched in the other.
“Nate, please don’t tell me you’ve forgotten your manners.”
Nate laughed. Jess sounded just like their mom. Bossy but saying her words with a smile so it sounded less like an order than it was. He crossed the room and took the plate from Sarah, giving her what he hoped was a warm smile. “Sorry,” he muttered.
Sarah looked up, her amber eyes lighter than he’d remembered, her cheeks pink like she was as embarrassed as he was. Nate turned before he stared at her any longer, trying to ignore the way her dark auburn curls brushed her shoulders, or the low scoop-cut of her T-shirt.
“The cake looks, ah, great.”
Sarah laughed. “It should do! It’s the second one I’ve made today.”
Nate looked over his shoulder to see his sister take the bottle of wine and follow him into the kitchen. Brady was talking flat-stick to Sarah, already dragging her by the hand to the sofa.
Jess prodded him in the back.
“Ow!”
He got a soft kick to the calf in response. Clearly his sister didn’t care about him being injured. “It seems a little convenient that you’ve only just come home and yet you managed to find Sarah sitting under your tree already. Is that why you showed up here tonight?”
Nate crossed his arms over his chest as Jess moved around to stand in front of him. “Give me a break, Jess. Maybe I should have just stayed home.” He was tempted to wave them all good-night right now and leave them to their dinner, and that was before his sister had started to interrogate him.
“All I’m saying is that Sarah’s been hurt enough this past year without you coming here and doing the same. Again.”
Nate closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wasn’t ready for dealing with this kind of thing, not yet. He didn’t have the thoughts inside his head in order, hadn’t dealt with what was troubling him, so he couldn’t take on anyone else’s troubles.
Besides, it was she who’d been sitting under his damn tree!
“I would never hurt Sarah, you know that. And I’m not interested in her that way, not anymore.”
Jess shook her head. “You’ve hurt her before, Nate, and anyone can see the way you two still look at each other.”
She was wrong. Jess was way off the mark with that comment. “Do you want me to go?” he asked.
Jess set down the bottle of wine she was still carrying and marched him into the living room. “You’re not going anywhere, Nate. It’s about time you came back to your family.”
Nate groaned. Maybe he should have gone up to the main house, after all. If he was going to make an effort, Holt might have been easier to spend an evening with, and his new wife would surely have been easier on him than Jess was.
Sarah was struggling to engage in conversation. Heck, she was struggling to breathe, so it was no wonder she couldn’t speak! Nate was sitting quietly on the other side of the table, his eyes still stormy but without the anger she’d seen flashing there earlier.
“Sarah, would you like some more?”
She locked eyes with Jess, who was staring at her with a smile on her face. Sarah tried hard not to blush, but she’d been caught out watching Nate and now everyone was looking at her. Even little Brady had stopped his chatter.
“Maybe just a little,” she murmured, focusing on spooning more of the chicken and rice dish onto her plate. “It really is great, Jess. I’ll have to get the recipe from you one day.”
Nate chuckled. “I think you’ll find that there’s not a recipe as such.”
Sarah relaxed as the burning heat receded and left her cheeks at a more comfortable temperature. “Sounds like there’s a story behind this dish, then?”
Nate straightened and leaned forward slightly, the first time he’d actively engaged without his sister prompting him. Everyone else was silent.
“Mom made this for us when we were young, even though she always moaned about how many chickens she needed to fill us all.”
His smile made Sarah grin straight back at him. It was so nice to see that flicker of … Nate. Him being like this reminded her of how he’d been years ago. Before everything had changed.
“We used to beg her for this every birthday, special occasion, you name it, even when we were growing up,” Jess continued, rising and dropping a kiss to her brother’s head as she passed him. “She never did have a recipe for it, because she’d tasted something similar in a Chinese restaurant and this was her trying to replicate it.”
Sarah looked at Nate again. There was a frown starting to drag the corners of his mouth down, but she could see he was trying hard not to pull away from them.
“When Mom died, when I could have thought of so many things, I thought about this,” Nate told them, shaking his head as he pushed his fork around his plate. “One of the first things I thought was that I’d never eat her chicken and rice again. Stupid, I know, but I was so damn hungry at the time, sick of eating crap food where I was posted, that I could almost smell the chickens roasting in her oven. Could see myself sitting in her kitchen as she cooked up a storm around me.”
Sarah couldn’t help it, she reached across the table for Nate’s hand. He didn’t resist, and she needed to touch him. Needed to comfort him when he was so clearly lost. She should have been angry with him, but right now all she could feel was his pain.
“When she confessed to not having an actual recipe, I started to watch her every time she made it,” Jess said, taking over the storytelling. “I used to cook it for Dad sometimes, to remind him of her, and now I can cook it for all of you when we need a little pick-me-up.”
Sarah had no idea how she’d ended up sharing a meal with Nate after all these years, being part of his family again. She moved her hand away from his, but not before squeezing gently.
The look he gave her, the powerful way he seemed to stare straight through her, sent a soft tickle down her back, and she didn’t look away.
Right now, it was like a glimpse of what could have been. If Nate had come home, if he’d never left, they could have been sitting around this table every week. But the one thing that wouldn’t change was that there’d be no little Nates sitting with them….
Sarah glanced at the food on her plate, the extra spoonful she’d only just added, and knew she couldn’t eat it. She stood to help Jess clear the table instead, needing a moment away from Nate. Away from the happy family scene that she’d been enjoying so much until her silly fantasy had taken over her thoughts.
It didn’t matter that Nate was home, and there was no point even thinking about what could have been. Because the truth was he’d made the decision that he didn’t want to be with her when he chose not to come home. And the perfect little family they’d often talked about when they were together? It wasn’t even possible.
No matter how badly she wanted children of her own, that wasn’t in her future any longer. There was nothing she could do to change that, and she sure didn’t want Nate to know about it, either.
“Do you want to cut the cake or shall I?” Jess called out.
Sarah hurried into the kitchen and took a deep breath, relieved to be away from the table even for a moment, before taking the knife and starting to slice into it. “I’m fine doing this, you go and sit down,” she told her friend.
She’d already eaten enough cake to make her stomach ache earlier in the day, yet her brain was trying to tell her she was ready for more comfort food already.
Sarah spun around with a plate in each hand before dropping one with a smash to the floor.
“Nate!” She’d run smack-bang into him, the plates bumping straight into his chest.
He bent to scoop up the fallen slice of cake with one hand, the other collecting what was left of the broken plate.
“I’m sorry, I …” Sarah didn’t know what to say, so she put the other plate on the counter and bent down, too, picking up the smaller fragments.
Nate’s hand hovered close to hers, so close she wished he’d touch her, to feel his fingers against her skin. Like a drug she’d long given up but was so overwhelmingly tempted to consume again.
