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Rebecca stayed on the other side of the fence, close to Ben but not quite touching. It was tempting, she could admit that, but there was no way she was up to it. No way she could summon the courage to climb on a spirited horse and stay calm enough and confident enough to be in control. Not after all this time.
“What’s her name?”
Ben turned and smiled. “That mean you’re ready to give it a go?”
She laughed, shaking her head as she looked back at the horse. No, all it meant was she was trying to change the subject.
“Missy,” he told her. “Her name’s Missy.”
Rebecca kept watching the horse. Missy. She played the name through her mind. It was a pretty name, but it didn’t make any difference. She wasn’t going near her.
“What do you say?”
“Just give me some time.” The words came out before she could think longer. And she wasn’t even sure she was still talking about horses.
Ben jumped off the fence and landed on the hard packed dirt, his feet falling inches away from hers. Rebecca had a funny feeling she would live to regret that comment. There was no way he was going to let her leave at the end of this weekend without trying her luck with that horse, and the very idea terrified her. She didn’t know if it was simply losing her nerve or just the years of not riding catching up on her, but she couldn’t even comprehend climbing back into the saddle, with or without Ben egging her on.
He stood close to her, too close, and their eyes met for just a second. It was long enough to feel like one second too long, though. Neither of them knew what to say. Ben because he wasn’t the type to just come out and say something, and her because she had too much to hide. Too much at stake. Just being with him was a risk, or at least it was until she was ready to come clean and tell him what she’d done. It wasn’t that she was going to keep it from him, she just wanted to do it right, to break it to him the right way, if that was even possible.
* * *
Rebecca walked beside Ben. She was listening to him but her eyes were floating around their surroundings, drinking in the familiar sights she had gone so long without seeing.
“What do you think?”
She turned her attention back to Ben. She had no idea what he was talking about. Again.
Gus appeared ahead of them and saved her from having to answer. He leaned against the corner of the stable block, resting a leg, but he was smiling. Rebecca guessed that he was probably feeling worse than he let on, but this was his life. The alternative was to cart him off to hospital, or a rest home, and what good would that do him? He deserved to be here till his last day, doing what he loved.
“So when are you two going off for a ride?”
Rebecca laughed and glanced at Ben. She hoped that he hadn’t put his grandfather up to it. “I’m not sure I’ll be riding at all this weekend. These days I prefer my feet firmly on the ground.”
“Do you remember Willy?” Gus asked
She nodded. “Who could forget him?” Although as she said it, she was wondering if it was a trick question. “He must be, what? Twenty...twenty-two years old now?” He’d been Gus’s horse when she was a teenager. The most reliable, safe, sweet horse she’d ever come across, and he’d been Gus’s pride and joy.
“Sure is. I can’t ride anymore and he’s going to waste just sitting around. Thought he could do with a walk around the farm. What do you say?”
Rebecca took a step backward and walked straight smack bang into Ben. He must have stopped right behind her, his large frame preventing her from making a getaway. She lurched forward and felt trapped. Backward meant into Ben and forward meant the horse. She didn’t know what scared her more. Her heart was hammering, although the idea of falling back into the warmth of Ben’s body was sounding like the more attractive option right now.
“I, ah, I don’t know, Gus. Really, I...”
“Are you telling me you came all the way here without your riding gear?”
Gulp. He had her there. Yes, she had brought it, but with no intention of actually putting it on. She eyed up the horse some more and felt a lump of genuine terror knot in her throat, but at least riding would give her a distraction aside from Ben.
“How about it, Bec?”
Ben placed his hands on either side of her arms, still standing behind her. It was nothing more than a gentle press of his skin against hers, but it sent a butterfly-soft shiver down her back. He was too close and it was only making her feel more guilty about everything, like a traitor for even being there.
Gus was watching her, Ben was touching her, even the horse seemed to be staring at her, waiting for her answer.
“Okay fine, I’ll do it.”
Maybe it was the pressure, the sun making her giddy, hell, it might have even been the way Ben was looking at her, but she felt her resolve buckle. But all of a sudden going for a trail ride didn’t seem like the stupidest idea in the world.
“Okay?” Ben seemed doubtful, and Gus winked before leaving them to it.
“Don’t sound so surprised,” she muttered.
She knew this was only the start of it, or maybe it wasn’t. Because once she told Ben the truth he’d never forgive her, and then she’d never be invited back ever again.
“Do you want to go get changed?” Ben asked.
He looked her up and down, and Rebecca tried not to laugh as a smile kicked the corners of her mouth up. “I’ve never ridden in a sundress and sandals before, and I’m not about to start.”
She turned and headed back to the car as Ben laughed, wanting to look back at him but not letting herself. There was something about Ben, there always had been; a quiet strength about him that she’d been drawn to when they were both only at school, and that confidence had translated into a super sexy guy. There was nothing arrogant about him even though he’d played with the best polo players in the world, and his manner with animals? That had always set him apart from any man she’d ever met before. And it was why he’d be such a darn good father. She swallowed hard and tried not to think about what-ifs—Ben had made it clear he wasn’t ever going to have a family of his own, that he wouldn’t ever repeat the mistakes his own mom had made, and she knew that his hurt ran so deep that nothing, nothing, was capable of changing his mind. Which was why she’d kept her secret all this time. But now it was time for him to decide, for him to be the one to make that choice.
She tugged the car door open and grabbed her bag. All of her other belongings were in a small suitcase, but her riding clothes were in the same bag they’d always been in. She pulled back the zip and just looked at them for a moment, before sucking up all her jitters and swallowing them away.
She looked around to check she was alone, then took off her sandals and replaced them with socks and pulled her jodhpurs over her ankles and up her thighs. The material stretched tight, but she was pleased to be able to do the waist up. Years on, not to mention one child later, and she could still fit into the tight breeches—it was a good feeling.
Rebecca tugged her dress over her shoulders and placed it on the backseat, before grabbing her former favorite faded gray Pearl Jam T-shirt she had once worn on a daily basis. She searched for a tie in the glove box and then yanked her hair into a plait, before grabbing her helmet and gloves and closing the car door.
This was it. It was now or never.
Ben emerged from around the side of the stables, sitting astride a striking chestnut horse, and leading Willy on his left. She drew in a big breath of air and marched onward, trying hard to keep her smile from faltering.
“You look good.”
His words made her smile, even if she didn’t believe him for a second. “Liar liar pants on fire,” she joked. “But thanks for the compliment.”
“Need a hand getting on?” he asked.
“Nah, I’m fine.” She was lying, but she’d rather struggle on without any assistance from Ben. His hands anywhere near her body right now was not a good idea.
She took the reins and lifted her left leg, hopping on one foot as she tried to get it high enough to get her left one through the stirrup.
“Not quite as flexible as you used to be, huh?”
Ben dismounted and moved to help her. Heat flooded Rebecca’s face as he touched her shoulder, laughing softly.
“If it makes you feel any better, some of the guys I rode with in Argentina spent half their lives on horseback and could only mount if they were standing on a fence.”
Rebecca grimaced. She hadn’t realized that getting on the horse would be the tough part.
“Here.”
Ben cupped his hands and indicated for her to put her knee up. She did, his strong palms closing around her leg, sending spasms of warmth through her body.
“Thanks,” she said. “On three.”
She bounced three times before Ben sprang her into the air, and straight on to Willy’s back. She landed with a soft thump and felt that all too familiar turmoil in her stomach. The accident hit her memory bank like it was yesterday.
She was about to jump straight off when Ben placed a hand to her thigh, almost sending her flying off the other side. All those years they had touched, slept side by side in sleeping bags, sat close, and there had never been a reaction like that. It was as if that one night all those years ago was still pulling them together; their skin still reactive to the pressure of one another’s touch. His hand felt hot, heating through the fabric of her jodhpurs, and she knew he felt it, too.
“You’re okay,” he soothed, never taking his eyes off her.
She swallowed a lump that felt as big as a rock and nodded. Suddenly the horse seemed like the safe bet.
Ben raised his other hand to shield his eyes from the sun, gave her one of his sexy-as-heck winks and then turned back to his horse.
“You’ll be just fine.”
All of a sudden she knew she was right. It wasn’t the horse she needed to be scared of. Danger had just looked her straight in the eye and she’d managed to survive it. For now.
CHAPTER FIVE (#ulink_7254b433-8ecc-50df-9e23-970ee35beae0)
REBECCA FINALLY STARTED to relax. Her back had been rigid, legs clammy and neck stiff. She wondered if she’d even been breathing for fear of falling off.
“I guess this is why they say to get straight back in the saddle after a fall.”
Ben was riding slightly ahead of her but he reined back to match her horse’s stride.
“Sometimes that’s easier said than done,” he said.
“I’ve kept something from you all this time, Ben,” she admitted. It was almost impossible preparing to confess this, let alone telling him her big secret. Baby steps, she just needed to take baby steps.
He turned to watch her, eyebrows raised in question.
Rebecca sighed, looking away from him. She’d told him at the time that she’d turned down the offer she’d been made, that she’d decided she just didn’t want to leave her family and live overseas anymore. “I lied to you,” she said simply. “I was never offered a position on the women’s team, but I didn’t want to hold you back, and then after my fall, I didn’t even know if I wanted to play anymore.”
When he never replied, the only sound their horses’ hooves echoing on the dirt, she braved a glance at him. From side on his jaw looked like it was cut from steel, his entire face like stone.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” His voice was deep and gravelly. “I wouldn’t have just left you like that if I’d...”
“And that’s why I did it. I wasn’t going to make you second-guess what you wanted. We were only friends, right?” Just saying it hurt her. “It wasn’t like you were walking out on your girlfriend.”
“So you lied and told me you couldn’t leave your family? That staying behind was what you wanted? That we just didn’t share the same dreams anymore?” He grunted. “And we might not have been dating, Bec, but we were damn good friends. We’d always planned on going together.”
She knew he was angry, but she’d needed to tell him.
“I just wanted you to know the truth, Ben. It was a long time ago, but still.”
He made a grunting noise again, his shoulders bunched. “You still shouldn’t have lied to me.”
“I was a mess after everything that happened,” she said. “I was still dreaming of making a team when in reality I was terrified at the idea of even getting on a horse and playing a game again. And then you...” She let her voice trail off, not really wanting to open up to him about how she’d felt. “I lost everything. My confidence was shattered and I was a mess.”
“I would have tried to help you, Bec. I wouldn’t have just walked away if I’d known the truth.”
And that’s why she hadn’t told him. She hadn’t wanted to clip his wings, would never have done that to him, but there had also been a little voice in her head telling her that after everything that had happened, she hadn’t been good enough for him anymore. That he wouldn’t want her if she couldn’t even muster the courage to get back in the saddle and try to make another team.
They rode in silence, Rebecca staring straight ahead, her nerves about being on horseback slowly disappearing. It was a strange feeling being nervous about a sport that had once been her life.
“So how do you feel right now?” Ben asked.
Bec relaxed her grip on the reins and sat deep in the saddle, actually loving how good it felt. The start of a smile was tugging at the corners of her mouth and she couldn’t resist the pull. Maybe he was going to let bygones be bygones, which meant that she had to do the same.
“You know what?” She grinned over at him, trying to push the past out of her mind, at least for the afternoon. “Now that I’m not hanging on for dear life, it feels kinda good.”
“How about a canter down to the creek?”
Ben was sitting straight-backed, comfortable in the saddle, his broad shoulders stretched wide. There was something about seeing him in his white T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap that sent her back years in her mind. He probably felt the same looking at her.
She sucked up her courage and shortened her reins. “Just remember that I’m not the rider I used to be.”
She clucked Willy first into a trot and then into his rocking horse canter. Rebecca moved back and forth, feeling her legs stretch out, calf muscles groaning with the movement. There was nothing particularly easy about riding all over again, but it was a bit like the old bike theory. Once you knew how, it was something you never truly forgot.
“Doing good, cowgirl, doing good,” called Ben with a cowboy drawl.
Rebecca stayed focused, still expecting Willy to do something out of the ordinary, but he behaved like a complete gentleman.
Ben pulled back to a walk and Rebecca followed his lead, her chest rising rapidly with the burst of exercise.
“It’s just up there.” He pointed.
“Uh-huh.” Her lungs were screaming for more air—she wasn’t capable of saying anything else.
They rode in silence the rest of the way, and Rebecca felt those darn butterflies ignite in her stomach again. Ben was gorgeous and charming and so easy to be around, and he hadn’t even given her that much of a grilling over the whole lie. He deserved to know about Lexie, too, once she figured out how to break it to him, then her. She just needed to make sure he was certain about staying, that he wasn’t going to end up sacrificing his life simply to act out of duty and stay for his daughter. Or her. That was why she’d let him go in the first place.
“You coming?”
Ben’s voice from up ahead spurred her back in to action. She urged Willy into a trot and shook her head to rid her mind of its worries.
* * *
Ben chanced a glance over his shoulder. Rebecca was sitting so elegantly on the horse it looked as though she was right at home, but he knew it had taken a lot of courage for her to get back in the saddle and open up to him. It was a weird feeling, being back out here with Rebecca. He wasn’t quite sure what to do, how to act, what to say. Did he behave like they were just old friends reunited, or was he meant to factor in that night? Maybe it was because he’d become used to casual relationships with women; women he’d meet after a polo game, drink champagne with and then realize he had absolutely zero things in common with them. Whereas with Bec...seeing her again was like finding a favorite something that he’d missed for years, then realizing it still fit like a glove. But they were only friends, had been only friends for years.
He stopped at the creek’s edge, no more than a trickle of water flowing down beneath some overhanging trees. It had been their spot, the place they’d always come to talk, when they needed to be alone. Parent troubles, friends, horse issues—it had been their place to figure life out.
It didn’t look any different now than it had then. Ben dismounted and tied his horse loosely to a blue gum tree. He turned back around to Rebecca. She had her feet out of the stirrups, stretching her ankles, and the grimace on her face was hard to ignore.
“Every single part of my body is protesting right now,” she explained.
“Want a hand down?”
Rebecca looked at him gratefully. “Oh, yeah.”
