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She kept repeating the number in her mind, silently, lips barely moving as it rung.
“McFarlane Stables.”
Phew. It wasn’t Ben.
“Gus!” At least she didn’t have to hide her excitement with him. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I don’t have many young ladies call me, so I’m guessing that’s you, Rebecca.”
His voice was strong, but it crackled more than it used to. Those soft, kind tones that had soothed her and taught her when she was a girl—he’d been the grandfather she’d always wished was her own.
“How did you guess?”
His laughter rumbled down the line. “Something to do with me telling that grandson of mine to get you out here before I kick the bucket.”
“Gus! Don’t talk like that.”
“Ah, but it’s true, love.”
“Gus,” she said, not knowing what else to say to the man she still cared so much about.
“Let’s not talk morbid. Just promise me you’re coming to see us.”
The silence was all her doing this time. She hadn’t expected an invitation to McFarlane’s, in fact, she hadn’t even considered the possibility of going back there. But it was tempting, just the thought of taking a step back in the past even if it was just for a few hours.
“So, are you coming or not?” He never had been one to waste words.
“I, ah...” She’d kept her secret for so long, the last thing she needed was for it to all unravel now before she had time to figure everything out and deal with it properly, and she’d have to ask her folks to look after Lexie.
“Rebecca?”
A tightness in her throat made it hard for her to say anything. “Well...” She paused. “Yes.”
“Yes?”
“How about I come down this Saturday?” she asked.
“Bring your bag, love. I want you to enjoy the weekend here. Got a horse that needs your help.”
She choked. The thought of going back in time, of horses, of Gus...it was hard. Exciting, thrilling, terrifying...but still hard.
“I’ll tell the boy you’re coming.”
Uh-oh. The silver-tongued old fox had talked her into a weekend away, all without a hint of protest from her, and she’d forgotten about the reality of Ben. About the fact that it wasn’t just going to be her and Gus reminiscing, that it wasn’t about being old friends and catching up. Just like old times. That’s what he’d said, but there was no way anything between her and Ben was like it used to be.
At least she had nothing to feel guilty about where Lexie was concerned—she spent every Saturday night with her grandparents anyway, but still...she usually didn’t feel bad about having Saturday night off from parenting each week because she worked, but having an evening to herself seemed wrong somehow. Even though she’d never done it once in her daughter’s three years before.
But she deserved one weekend to herself, and she just couldn’t risk taking her with her.
A butterfly-soft shiver ran the length of her spine. But this was Ben, this was a step back into the past for one night, and the idea of seeing him again... She shook her head as if it would somehow push her worries away.
She was going to do it. And then she’d figure out how to break the news to him, because now he was home, and if he was home for good, then all the reasons she had for keeping Lexie from him were gone.
CHAPTER THREE (#ulink_882c056a-2f95-5a1b-87ad-545a79254d0c)
THIS WAS HARDER than she’d thought. Just the idea of seeing Ben had her stomach turning, twisting into a cavalcade of knots. She focused on the road and gripped the wheel tighter, pulling over just near the turnoff and trying to slow her breathing, trying to stop her hands from trembling, too. If she could only still them enough to smudge some gloss over her dry lips, run her fingers through her hair and press a smidge of perfume to her neck, she’d be fine.
The driveway loomed ahead; as immaculate as she’d remembered it. Gus was an old man now, but his standards hadn’t slipped, and she found herself hoping the stables and house were unchanged, too. Her memories were so vivid, colorful in her mind as if she’d been here merely months ago, instead of years.
She pushed the lever down into Drive again, satisfied that she looked passable in the mirror, and pulled slowly into the driveway. Gravel crunched under the tires and trees softly waved against the metal of the vehicle as if welcoming her. Bec took a deep breath and found emotions getting the better of her. Up until a week ago, she’d never expected to see this place again, but it was so good to be back.
Up ahead she could just see the house, a triple brick, beautiful residence that was as immaculate as the drive. Roses were neatly clipped, windows thrown wide, one of the most gorgeous houses she’d ever seen. Her own family home was nice, better than modest, but this place was something else. And then her eyes settled on her once favorite part of the property—the row of stables, in an L-shape, to the left of the house.
She slowed the car to a crawl as she surveyed the place, looking for any sign of life and seeing none. There were no horses in sight, but then at this time of day it wasn’t to be expected. Apart from a ginger cat stretched out in the sun, it was as good as deserted. In a way she was glad, it gave her time to walk around and reminisce before figuring out what to say to Ben.
She pushed open the car door and let it shut behind her as she stretched her legs. The sun was warm on her bare arms and she moved toward the stables, eyes wandering everywhere. What she loved about this place was the privacy, with only the side of the stables visible. Bec had heard there were fewer horses here than ever now that Gus had slowed down, but as soon as she rounded the building it became obvious that reduced numbers for him were still impressive.
The property had been purpose built with horse rearing and polo playing in mind. The old stables had been meticulously cared for and maintained over the years, and Rebecca stopped to look. The stables stretched in a long line, flanked by larger, box stalls tying up bays. The wooden structures were faded yet clean, the white and navy colors still vivid in her mind from years ago. Wisteria curled down over the edges, pots of bright flowers infusing color into the well-kept area. The door to the tack room was wide-open, and Rebecca could smell the aroma of saddle soap and sweaty horse blankets. It was a blast from the past that made her smile.
She continued on, stopping to rub a nose poking out from one of the boxes. The smell of hay, the sight of horseflesh, it sent a shiver of both excitement and worry through her body. The same kind of feeling she got thinking about Ben.
Rebecca looked ahead to the land before her. The most sheltered field was still kept for young stock, and from the looks of them, recently weaned fillies and colts. Frisky-looking babies who were having a ball of a time, playing and scolding one another in the safe, well-fenced environment. Working with the young stock had been something she and Ben had both enjoyed. Teaching them their manners, how to respect humans, all without needing to use a firm hand. Back then, she and Ben had always had their heads buried in a Monty Roberts book, the legendary horse whisperer who flaunted industry-standard horse breaking rules.
Rebecca walked on and let her eyes wander, taking in the sights, but it was the noise out to her right that had the blood pumping that little bit faster in her veins, that had a smile turning her mouth upward.
She could just make out someone, who she presumed was Gus, excitedly waving what looked to be a cane as some young guys trained. At least six horses rushed past in a blur, hooves pounding hard on the ground as they thundered fast alongside each other. Her feet picked up speed and she rushed toward them, desperately wanting to watch the game as the horses and riders galloped around the polo field.
She didn’t want to disturb Gus, so she approached quietly once she was close, watching the riders compete for the ball, heading toward the goal. From her vantage point, she snuck a quick glance at the old man before her and felt sad, it was like he’d shrunk a little and aged so quickly, but it was unmistakably the same kind person who had been so good to her for so many years.
“Go, go, go!” She jumped as Gus screamed, waving his stick again.
As one of the players made a goal he threw his stick, one hand pumping up in a fist. She couldn’t help but laugh.
“Gus.” Her voice was soft but he turned immediately on the spot, his eyes meeting hers.
Gus looked her over for a moment before a big smile spread out wide over his face.
“Rebecca! Well, look at you.”
He held out his arms and she reached him in no time, embracing him fondly.
“It’s so good to be back here, to see you,” she mumbled, holding him tight.
He smiled at her as she stepped back, his eyes shining.
“Just look at you. Look at you, huh? All grown-up.”
She beamed, embarrassed yet flattered. Before she could answer a voice interrupted them, sending her almost a foot in the air with fright.
“Becca.”
Ben. She would recognize that voice anywhere. Deep, rich and delicious. He sat astride a blowing, sweaty polo pony that was now dancing very close to her.
“Good goal, son. I’ll walk him back for you.”
Ben jumped to the ground and passed Gus the reins.
“You sure you’re okay taking him?”
The older man just looked skyward, eyes rolling. Bec knew it would take more than a highly strung horse to keep him from where the action was, walking cane or not.
Bec stole a glance at Ben while his attention was still directed at the horse before looking away. If only he wasn’t so handsome, so charming, so...not available. Or possibly available, she had no idea if he had a girlfriend or not, but not available to her. She was all about no complications, being a mother, nothing else. Nothing else, she repeated inside her head just in case her body was thinking of disagreeing. She’d been happy being friends with him for so long, but ever since that night...
“Hey.”
He was talking to her. Damn it! And there she was away in fairyland.
“You looked good out there.” It was all she could think to say, but the truth was she hadn’t even realized he was the one in the saddle.
“Yeah, well, I’m happy to be home, but I’m still craving some saddle time.” He grinned at her and pulled his helmet off, turning toward the field where some of the guys were still training, and ran a hand through his short hair. “You ever think about getting back up again?”
It had been a long time for her, a dream she’d long since given up, and now she was a mom she was way more cautious than she’d once been. The allure of the polo field now was more about watching than actually doing. And besides, that fall had almost broken her. It had taken everything away from her; her dreams, her future. And Ben.
“Maybe,” she lied. Or maybe it wasn’t a lie. Being back here was giving her all sorts of mixed emotions, making her question everything. “It’s not something I’ve really thought about, to be honest.”
Ben turned to her then and reached out a hand, touching her arm so lightly she almost wondered if she was imagining it.
“It’s great to have you here, Bec.”
She struggled for words, her skin tingling where he’d touched her. They’d been best friends for years, before one night had changed everything, and now she could hardly look at him without thinking about the fact she’d seen him naked. And how darn good he’d looked.
“It feels good being back here.” She hardly trusted her voice.
He started to walk and she followed his lead, his long legs eating up the ground.
“There’s something about this place, Bec. It’s good for the soul.”
He stopped then, turning to face her, pulling her hands into his and holding them tight. He studied her with such intensity she didn’t know where to look or what to say.
“I’m sorry, Bec, for expecting you to stay in touch after what happened, for leaving you in the first place,” he said, his voice low. “I never stopped thinking about you, but it all just got so complicated. So much for best friends, huh?”
Until we ruined it. They were the unspoken words hanging between them.
Bec gulped, her eyes burning with tears. Their friendship? Was that all he wanted from her? Lexie’s beautiful little face flashed before her and she almost told him, so wanted to tell him that he was the father of her beautiful daughter, but she didn’t. Couldn’t yet, even though she knew she had to. Because she also knew that he never wanted children—he’d told her since they were in high school that he wasn’t ever going to be a dad after what he’d been through—and she knew nothing would ever change his mind. But she couldn’t deny him the chance, couldn’t keep this from him any longer.
“I’ve missed you, Ben. But things change, and I guess we just grew apart, right?”
“Maybe we should have both stuck to our plan. Gone to the UK together and both played.”
“It would have been good, huh?” Only the reality was that Ben had been picked up by a team in Argentina, and she hadn’t, and instead of telling him the truth, she’d made out like she couldn’t leave her family. That it wasn’t what she wanted. Maybe if he’d asked her to go as more than friends, maybe if her confidence hadn’t been shattered after the fall and she’d not been such a mess over everything. Maybe then things could or would have been different.
His eyes were as sad as hers as he watched her. “Come on, let’s show you around. There’s something I want you to see.”
Her eyebrows dragged together as he turned and started to walk again, tugging her along with him.
“Well, more like Gus wants you to see it. Just come and take a look.”
Her curiosity was piqued, and she hurried to keep up with him. Make her hair longer, she thought, take away the soft crinkles around his eyes and they could have gone back five or so years. To a time when everything had seemed possible, when they were both in charge of their own destinies, before fate and life had intervened. Before she’d fallen pregnant to a man she’d loved with all her heart, and instead of asking him to stay behind because she loved him, she’d let him go. She couldn’t help but wonder if he would have left and not come home, had she told him how she really felt. If she’d called him and told him that she was pregnant. But then deep down she knew the answer to that.
Ben would never have left her, not if he knew how she felt, if he knew that she was carrying his baby. And that was precisely why she’d lied, told him they’d made a mistake that night, that they were better as friends. Because she didn’t believe in clipping the wings of a bird to keep it at home, and Ben had been like an eagle ready to soar through the sky. And she never wanted to be responsible for ruining Ben’s life, and seeing him repeat the same mistakes his mother had.
CHAPTER FOUR (#ulink_c29f1353-f509-53bb-bbbb-083fb65d1808)
“SHE’S BEAUTIFUL.”
Rebecca ran her eyes over every inch of the horse. It wasn’t hard to act interested—the filly was one of the most beautiful animals she had ever seen. Endless black legs, four white socks and a silky long tail. Her face was framed by a wide white blaze, stretching all the way to her nostrils; dark brown eyes like pools of trust, following every movement she and Ben made.
He didn’t say anything, just watched the horse, arms slung over the corral fence, one foot resting on the lowest tread of timber.
“So, what’s the deal with her?”
Ben shrugged, broad shoulders moving under his shirt. She was glad to have the distraction of the horse, because she was finding it almost impossible not to stare at him.
“She’s had all the guys on, doesn’t seem to like them.”
“How about you?” Rebecca asked. “Does she like you?”
He laughed. “Nope, not particularly.”
They looked at one another. They were both thinking the same thing, Rebecca could tell by the look in his eyes. There had always been the odd horse that had worked better for one of them or the other, it was about personalities, the rider clicking with beast. But there had been one very special mare who’d only ever worked for Rebecca, to the point where Gus had decided the horse was useless for anyone else, and had given her over to Bec. It had all worked well, her dream come true to own such an amazing mare, until the accident. She’d lost her nerve, and her will to ride, and her beautiful mare had lost her life. The memory flash made her skin prickle. And then she’d lost her best friend, all in the course of a couple of months, as well as her dreams of making it big in the polo world. She’d never gotten over that period in her life, had always just pushed it from her mind, but her pain was still raw.
Ben let out a big breath of air and gave her a smile—a slow rise of his mouth, followed by a gentle wink. It was as if he had put his arm around her, comforted her, just by looking at her. No one else had ever made her feel quite like Ben could. Embraced, comforted, cared for, all in a single look. Pity it had taken her so many years to figure out that she was in love with him. When they’d finally taken that step, he was gone, and then she went from losing a friend to nursing a broken heart. Ben had never said anything, never told her that he thought of her as any more than a friend, and so she’d just kept her mouth shut and let him get on with his life.
“So what do you think?”
Rebecca raised her eyes. What did she think? Her mind was racing, took her a moment to remember what they were even talking about. And then she glanced at the filly before them.
Ben was watching her, waiting for her answer. But here, back on a horse again, after all this time?
“I, ah, don’t think so.”
Ben stepped up onto the railing and hauled himself into the corral. “If I persist long enough, she’ll let me catch her, but she’s wild when anyone tries to get near her.”
“And you expect me to do what you guys can’t?”
Ben walked backward until his back was pressed against the wooden rails, before climbing up to sit on the fence.
“You know you can do it, Bec.”
