Sincerely About Us. Искренне о нас

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So there I was, standing in the courtyard of our guesthouse, basking in July’s warmth and sunshine and taking in everything around me, which I never thought I would see or experience again: the stone house, the kitchen, the spacious common room, the big gates, the outdoor dining area, and the serenity of the surrounding countryside. I was filled with anticipation to go to the work site and see how what we had built the previous year looked now. I couldn’t contain my excitement to share everything I knew and remembered about the place with someone in the new group. Discovering that you were one of our supervisors, I decided to turn to you.

Honestly, at first, I was rather hesitant about approaching you. I had never seen anyone with a stripe of spiky hair on their head in real life before; combined with a black T-shirt and a pair of jeans in the middle of a hot summer, you seemed rather tough to me. However, when I gathered enough courage and talked to you, I was immediately disarmed by your warm smile and enormous gentleness.

This striking contrast between your appearance and behavior piqued my curiosity, so it was only natural for me to try and know you better. The more we interacted, the less of your outer armor I saw and the more your inner vulnerability shone through.

Whenever you had a chance, you would eagerly grab some paper and pencils to add yet another picture to your ever-growing collection of amazing drawings. One afternoon, as we stood in the courtyard, you decided to show them to me. What caught my eye in them, apart from your impressive skills, was an endearing combination of grim elements and overall hopeful romantic themes. In that exact moment, you became incredibly precious to me, and I instantly knew that I wanted – I needed! – to be friends with you for as long as possible. It took me only a second more to notice something else in your artwork; I couldn’t help but blurt it out because it was so obvious to me, “But it’s you, here and here, right? There’s a depiction of you in almost every sketch!” You seemed equally taken aback by my words, as no one had ever even considered it before… I felt a sense of heartache for you, unable to comprehend why there were so many insensitive blind people in your life because in my opinion, your pictures spoke louder than words.

As time went by and our volunteer work progressed slowly but surely, our group kept sharing meals, stories, board games, short trips to the nearby lake, and tours to the nearest towns. Little by little, I learned that you were very passionate about music, very picky about it even, so it took me quite a while before I decided to share the music of a local band with you. I had discovered it on my own and loved it so much that I would have preferred to keep it to myself rather than hear any negative feedback about it. How happy and even proud I felt when, as you were listening to each new track on the album, I saw you smiling and sort of approving of my choice. Was that the moment I won you over? I never knew, and it hardly mattered, because it felt like we had clicked effortlessly on some very deep level anyway.

I always had very tender feelings for you, and you were always sweet and kind to me, even when I made hilariously awkward language mistakes that made everyone, including you, laugh uncontrollably. I loved how respectful of the language you always were; as a passionate language learner myself, I appreciated it in you, in what and how you spoke a lot.

We listened to music and watched movies together, discreetly competed to see who would take a better photo during our walks… Although I had already been dabbling in photography for a couple of years, it was your appreciation for beautiful photos in general and your praise of some of mine in particular that really made me catch this photography bug. (Once, you were so excited about a photo I had taken that you half-jokingly exclaimed, “I should have taken it myself!”=)) Thank you for that, because it helped me capture important everyday moments of my life in a more tasteful way than I would have done otherwise.

What has always stood out to me in my memories connected with you is that I felt more treasured and beautiful in your eyes, as if you saw something adorable in me I didn’t realize was there. You never said it out loud, but somehow it was clearly felt in the gentle way you treated me and in the many photos you took of me as if trying to capture those moments of our life forever. By the way, no one had ever taken so many photos of me before, so it felt strange, flattering, and nice. But I did the same, whenever our group was out and about on some tour or afternoon walk, I made sure you were in the frame of as many photos I took as possible. However, it’s not just about the quantity of photos that matters, but all the attentiveness to each other that shows clearly in them and through them in my memory. We had connected and, without realizing it, had an invisible but very powerful tether formed between us which made us always look in the direction of each other.

Later on, you showed me the capital through the eyes of someone who had lived, studied, and worked there. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a more captivating and personalized tour of this magnificent city. You took me to charming little streets and shops, to a museum and a castle I didn’t even know existed. Thanks to you I got to see the city from within, with its gems of places off the beaten track. These walks have been tucked away securely in the sunny corners of my memory, and nothing can replace them there, ever.

It was always very easy and comfortable for me to be by your side. For me it felt like we had known each other much longer than those few weeks; it just so happened that we had grown up countries and time zones apart. So, this wonderful adventure of ours always had but one flaw: we both knew from the beginning that at some point I would have to leave and go home, making it all very nonchalant. The time was treacherously limited and our relationship was never supposed to last long. Or was it?..

Anyway, we fully embraced this opportunity to be happy kids living in the moment. However, I wished back then and wish to this day our story would have continued and evolved into something as beautiful and strong as my feelings for you were. And yet, I will always cherish my memories of the time I spent with you, a tough-looking young man with the kindest and warmest of hearts.

Chapter 10. The Warmest Winter in My Life

How can I even begin to describe what turned out to become the warmest and most magical evening in the middle of a full-blown snowy winter? And we didn’t even make any conscious effort for it to happen.

It was quietly snowing that early evening in January. The city was dark, of course, but at the same time it was shimmering with the light of street lamps, shop signs, fairy lights hanging everywhere, sparkling fluffy snowflakes in the air, and the smiles and holiday spirit reflected in the eyes of everyone who passed me by.

Even though I was quite jittery coming to meet you, it all vanished the moment our eyes locked on each other and we immediately started walking and laughing, as if we had long been good friends. Our laughter came naturally, helping us overcome our initial nervousness.

We hadn’t planned to do anything specific on our first date that winter night, and we didn’t. We simply drank coffee, a lot of coffee actually, as neither of us wanted to leave that cozy cafе or the evening to end. We talked and laughed non-stop, gazing into each other’s eyes (yours were – and still are – stunningly blue), not quite realizing that the bond between us was growing stronger with each passing minute and each smile we shared. What we both did feel, though, was the out-of-this-world magic unfolding around us. You were good-natured, lovely, and humorous, and we clicked instantly. Honestly, I never fail to smile dreamily, reminiscing about those first few hours together, because they marked the beginning of the warmest winter and spring in my life.

Laughter, music, tea, walks, hugs, tenderness, and breakfasts. Your friends and your cool mom, who never entered your room without knocking, even though there was no lock on the door. Lunches we shared when I met you for a break from work downtown. Boundless joy, serenity, and the feeling of being at home. Photographs, butterflies in my tummy, the time we whiled away together, and the miracle of love between and all around us… I’m grateful to you for all of that and so much more.

I don’t remember ever feeling cold next to you, whether we were walking along the city streets or cuddling while waiting for a bus in freezing winter temperatures, or lying in bed. I felt cozy and snug all the time.

Once, a few days into this magical journey, you suggested that I listen to a song by Depeche Mode. I’m so happy you chose “Home”, which is performed (and written) by Martin Gore instead of Dave Gahan, whose voice is much rougher and lower. This allowed me to have the gentlest possible introduction to their music. The lyrics of this song perfectly reflected my thoughts and feelings about the time we were together:

And I thank you

For bringing me here

For showing me home

For singing these tears

Finally, I’ve found

That I belong here.

Feels like home,

I should have known

From my first breath.

Martin Gore’s voice here is so hauntingly beautiful that it effortlessly takes me back to moments with you whenever I hear this song. I truly felt at home in your arms, it was where I belonged. And to paraphrase another amazing song by Depeche Mode, something beautiful was happening inside for me, and even though eventually I lost myself in you, in us, that’s also how I found myself. Inside this heaven of ours, I was hypnotized and content, I felt whole and believed that everything was right with the world.

One more anthem of that time for me was, of course, “Enjoy the Silence” (performed by Depeche Mode and written by Martin Gore as well), with these particular lyrics standing out:

Feelings are intense

Words are trivial

… Pleasures remain

So does the pain

Words are meaningless

and forgettable

All I ever wanted

All I ever needed

is here, in my arms

Words are very unnecessary

They can only do harm.

My favorite part was definitely cuddling with you. I could never find the right words to express what exactly I was feeling in those moments, until I stumbled upon this quote, reflecting my feelings and sensations in the most wonderful and accurate way. Here’s its loose translation: “If two lovers sleep or simply lie down holding each other tightly, they become tattoos on – and even under – each other’s skin. Forever.” Indeed, even though we went out a lot, hung out with your friends, watched movies, and listened to music together, all this “doing” paled in significance compared to just how magical and otherworldly being physically next to you felt.

I remember often sitting at my desk or on my sofa, without thinking about anything in particular, just staring off into space, while actually being completely consumed by my intense feelings and emotions. During those few months, it felt like I was floating instead of walking on solid ground. Every night, I went to bed not really wanting to fall asleep, because I knew I would temporarily stop feeling this love, something I never ever wanted to happen (how ironic). However, as soon as I opened my eyes each morning, the very first thing I always became aware of was this enormous love inside me, mixed with joy, airiness, and fullness of life.

I realize now, many years later, that the true reason why I wanted to be close to you all the time was not a lack of self-sufficiency at all (as a friend of yours insightfully pointed out to me once, leaving a harsh long-lasting impression on me), but my subconscious wish to share this all-encompassing feeling of mine with you, to let you sense how deep my feelings ran, to shower you with them, because I was overflowing. Even though I was attracted to and loved other people in my life, with them I felt either safe, calm, adventurous, curious, joyful, or authentically me (the second best feeling, by the way), but NEVER SO overwhelmingly in love, elated, and airy. My soul was blooming. That time with you was my personal bubble of intense genuine happiness, which I hadn’t experienced before and didn’t experience long afterwards. The electricity that ran between us did leave us with unremovable tattoos under each other’s skin, and the bliss I lived in marked me for a lifetime. I will always know as I knew then that “loving you was the happiest I’ve ever been.” (Thank you, Shawn Mendes, for this lyric in “When You’re Gone”.)

We are bound by a thousand songs.

We are bound by delight.

We are bound by my broken heart.

We are bound by the city streets.

We are bound by the falling snow.

We are bound by a fleeting spring.

We are bound by the sweetness of our kisses.

We are bound by our first “Hi!”.

We are bound by my tears.

We are bound by the invisible threads woven together lifetimes ago.

No matter how hard I tried to break those ties of ours…