Plays for 1, 2 people. Collection №3

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Friends… whatever it was… let's play our roles efficiently! With the soul, so that the second take was not needed! So that the first attempt mesmerized with its game. After all, our presence here, it is in any case episodic, no matter how many years we live ten, fifty or a hundred. Against the background of eternity, this is less than the smallest fragment. And if so, then let's at least strive to wear the proud title of "King of the episode".

If we succeed, it is already a success!

Music!

A CURTAIN

Novosibirsk, September 2020

The play "Unreal dickhead"

Dramatic Comedy for 1 hour and 15 minutes.

ACTOR

GAVRILA is not the luckiest person, to put it mildly, who, as he communicates with the audience, reveals the most dangerous mistakes in his life, those mistakes that are inherent in 99% of people. Male about 40 years old.

ACT ONE

1. GAVRILA'S APARTMENT

Uncomfortable bachelor apartment. Pretty poor environment. Small table. There's a dirty teapot on it. Cup. Almost empty coffee can, sugar bowl. An old wardrobe, a Cabinet with open drawers that do not close, from which crumpled things stick out. A chiffonier with a sagging door that holds on to its last breath. The old sagging bed is supported by a stack of books instead of one leg. The bed is unmade. On the floor is a crumpled "drunk t-shirt", a sock is lying, of course, one. Everything is piled up on the furniture and in every corner. Cutlery, glasses, plates, forks. Beside the bed is a saucer with the remains of dried fish and an empty beer bottle.

Gavrila runs into the apartment screaming. First, there is the cry, and then his carrier.

GAVRILA: AAAAAAAAAAA! NO! NO!! NO!!! This can't be happening, I don't believe it! Once again on the same rake. Well, it should have worked! After all, once you must be lucky!

Casually throws some tickets around.

GAVRILA: that Chubais with vouchers warmed up, then Mavrodi with their crazy interest rates. And twice and both times me! And so… state all-Russian lottery! Everyone wins. Everything! (to the audience)Here, watch it on TV. He won the car, the apartment. Those who went on a trip on the won vouchers, these broke the cash jackpot! Well, everyone… (irritated) everyone wins. Alone, I fly like plywood over Paris all the time. I'm probably the only one in the whole country who invested everywhere and lost everywhere. I, Gavrila Sergeyevich Mindryuchikov, a law-abiding, God-Fearing person everywhere as if I didn't sew a sleeve to anything…

walks across the stage to the far corner, looks from there indignantly, remembering something.

GAVRILA: Alyosha, the neighbor's boy! I took part in the contest only once. I went to the dacha in need, picked up a newspaper as usual, but while I was sitting there, I had nothing to do. Well, so I read there that, they say, a lottery, cut out the coupon, send it to such and such an address. Well, he cut it out, sent it, won the camera. True, almost no one uses them anymore, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you won. Immediately! Do you understand? And I have already tried everything, and cut out Newspapers and bought tickets at kiosks and at the post office, and spat over my left shoulder and circled the tickets around my right leg seven times (shows). I've already devoured so much waste paper while I was diluting my desires in champagne to the sound of chimes! (pauses)

I have a niece, fifteen years old. In the lottery already, that just did not win. Wrist watch! Phone – smartphone new-fangled! Laptop! (waving her hand) I didn't win anything… (laughs mockingly, but then adds seriously) She's one of my consolations…

Goes to another part of the stage

GAVRILA: or here is Ilyich, a neighbor in the garage. Fool for fool. Complete, simple, incompetent. Nothingness. My ex-boyfriend. We were homeless together. Ah kaaaaak bum, as all, from payday until payday. They survived in General. And then on! The inheritance gets. In Kazakhstan, his uncle was a big man. He didn't know about it himself. He doesn't have any children. I left everything to this idiot. So he, Ilyich, bought nineteen apartments for himself. Nineteen! Isn't he a fool? A complete idiot. (Pause) True, now he rents them all, gets something like three hundred thousand a month, or more… he left the factory. Of course, why would he? That's how I lost my partner, drinking buddy, and friend. Normal because people won like what a penny extra scolymia, so what is not a reason to drink! And this one has given up drinking! .. And why do I need such a friend? Become Depraved Ilyich. In a word, it lost its human form.

Goes to the bed, sits on it, picks up the bottle from the floor, looks carefully at the label. Peers.

GAVRILA: AA..... Ugh, damn. So that's it. I grabbed a soft drink from the shelf. That's what inattention does. I don't think it's anything like that. Brrrr (shakes his head) And this fish is dried… (he picks up the rest of the half-eaten fish from the newspaper and throws it back in disgust) It looked like a long-lived fish. ZHR+yt is simply impossible. Little that figs bite off, so still and in it such sense, that the entire salt of Russia. Brrrr (shakes his head) Oooh… (sighs, holds her head, pulls her hair)

Growls, pulls his hair hard, pulls, pulls, pulls, jumps up abruptly, looks with some crazy inspiration into the audience

GABRIEL: the Casino! Why didn't I guess sooner? Good luck is waiting for me there! (In admiration) YES!

Runs to the nightstand, pulls out a box, runs to the bed, shakes out the contents on it.

GABRIEL: the Family jewels. Shore for a special day. My finest hour has come. I'll intercept it for now. Now to the pawn shop, then to the casino (tricky) I know where there are underground establishments in our city. I know everything.

Hastily collects in his pocket stones, rings, chains that fell out of the box and runs to the exit

GABRIEL: I'll come back a completely different person! Successful! Solid! Handsome! (he puffs out his chest, points at himself, imagines what he will become) Yes, this Ilyich with his apartments will choke on saliva! I'll buy twenty! No! Thirty. Fifty apartments!!! I'm going to shut everyone up. I saw it in a secret movie (whisper) – a documentary!

Winks with cunning

GAVRILA: you bet all the time on the same number on roulette, constantly increasing the bet, and according to probability theory, at some point your number will fall out. You can say that my whole life is a constant bet on the same number, which does not fall out. Luck just doesn't have a chance to get out of it, it will choose me today in any case.

Shouts admiringly

GABRIEL: I'm rich!!!

Runs away from the apartment.

END OF THE FIRST ACTION

ACT TWO

In an apartment with an intrigue, slowly, the door does not open immediately. After a while, Gavril enters the apartment. He's wearing only his family underpants. He stealthily dashes in, runs somewhere in another part of the stage, then runs in a third direction, then jumps out, grabs some things from the closet and runs away again. Finally, he jumps onto the stage on one leg, pulling on a pair of short, ripped jeans.

GAVRILA: It looks like it… Looks like luck has another ACE up its sleeve for me after all.

He scratches the back of his head and walks around the room. His face shows confusion.

Suddenly he jumps on the bed and lies down, crossing his legs busily.

GABRIEL: So my wife says… she Said I wasn't happy… well… she did Express it a little differently. Oaf!

Is it the same thing? In other words, simple, I say. Sometimes the truth still called a fool. But this is loving. You know, some girls like to call their lover a fool. She was a fool, though… well straight to the fool.... like not called. A fool often. Well, consider it the same. Stupid sometimes. I think it means something so masculine. I don't remember exactly. In General, she often called me such some terms that I do not know. (Smiles sweetly) But I always understood what she was trying to say, and I always appreciated it. She loved me so much, so much… (She clasps her hands to her chest in awe)

I remember not coming home from work in the evening. And the phone didn't answer. I called and called. At first I didn't pick up the phone, then the caller became unavailable. The next day I came and said that I couldn't get on the bus for a long time, it was Friday evening. Buses are full. It's a long walk to the metro, and there's no money left for a taxi. So I decided to spend the night at work. She said the phone was dead, couldn't call, wanted to walk. But I thought that it would be a long walk, it would be late, and I would already be asleep. She didn't want to Wake me up, she knows how tired I am at work. Taken care of! Another would be… and my Alinochka. She loved me very much.

He puts his hand to his lips and shakes his head.

GABRIEL: She was often so late afterwards. Sometimes she was late, sometimes she didn't come back until the next day, but I already knew that everything was fine and didn't worry. I understood that my Elichka again thinks about me, cares, loves. Once she disappeared for three whole days. I kept calling and calling. And the phone was always unavailable. I arrived later so tired, taciturn. Shower first, then go to bed. I realized that she was very tired, that something had happened, and I did not torment her with questions. She told me everything the next day. There they have it turns out, the pipe burst. And the team is purely female, not a single man. Well, they were there as a team and struggled with this problem. Well, how did the women fight? (He laughs mockingly and throws up his hands) They were wrapping her up in some rags, but she's still running, of course. There under pressure. Squeezes it out. This I know, I had hydraulics in technical school! That's how they fought the flood. Wrapped in rags, then removed them ran – squeezed, and again wrapped. And again they ran – squeezed. That's how they ran for three days, until someone thought of them to call the emergency service. Women, what to take from them. The phone was dead, of course, and she didn't have time to look for a charger anywhere. I have a good one… was. She wasn't smart enough to know about the emergency service, but she didn't need to, with a husband like that. I myself have always been a think tank in the family, a decision-making body and any communication issues!