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A play for 3 people. Comedy. An appointment with a kayfologist
Nikolay Lakutin
Problems sooner or later arise in the life of each of us, but you don't always want some psychologist or a super newfangled coach to torment an already bleeding wound, while assigning a lot of expensive sessions. Our heroes went the other way, they went to an appointment with a kayfologist! An explanatory note for the director is attached at the end of the play.
Nikolay Lakutin
A play for 3 people. Comedy. An appointment with a kayfologist
Attention! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LAW, AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, AND MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR ARE PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.
A play in two acts. (It can be delivered as a one-act version).
(16+)
An explanatory note for the director is attached at the end of the play.
THE ACTORS
Antoine.
Emily.
Leon.
Action 1
Scene 1. A la cafe.
Cafe. Slightly dimmed light.
Two tables are set apart from each other. Emily is sitting at the first one, picking at her plate without much appetite, reading magazines, answering incoming messages from time to time. The second table is empty.
Leon enters, presses the phone to his ear with his shoulder, and carries a tray of food in his hands. Drops the phone, gets nervous. He puts the tray on an empty table, picks up the phone, sits down at the table, continues the phone conversation.
Leon (into the phone, loudly). Yes, yes, I'm listening. Nothing happened, I dropped the phone. I didn't fall asleep, no. I'm not neglecting your advice, my hands were just busy… yeah… well… Well, listen up… So what? And do you think it will give any results? (Strictly). Are you a psychologist or what? What kind of idiotic techniques are these? Where did you read this? You haven't grown a mustache yet, but you're already trying to build something out of yourself there. (Very rude). Go work at the factory, start earning honestly and stop fooling people's heads! And I will ask you to return the money that you took from me, otherwise I will write a statement about fraud! Too much for me, a psychologist!
He hangs up, freaks out. He begins to eat greedily.
Emily glances at the noisy visitor from time to time, but it's nothing more than mild curiosity.
Leon (eating, muttering to himself). Wherever you go, there are only impostors and scammers. Some one-day online courses are held, a certificate will be hung on the door and that's it, a specialist is ready. But the price tags are heavy for their services, as if they have twenty years of experience behind them. And so, most importantly, they are diligently trying to dig up something, to look for problems and complexities of a person that are supposedly worth paying attention to. And they find it! (To the viewer). Have any of you contacted a psychologist? At least once someone has had you come, and he says to you: "You are fine, there are no ailments, disorders, psychological traumas and depressive states, in a psychological sense you are completely healthy"! Has anyone ever said that to anyone? Yeah, they'll say how. They need to earn money. To beat off the rent, pay taxes, and live on something ourselves. And what will they get if they don't find or invent some problem that needs to be treated very urgently for at least eight to ten sessions. Crooks! Good-bye! The windbags!
She finishes her lunch, wipes her mouth with a napkin, and notices Emily. He forgets about the unpleasant conversation, sips a cocktail, glancing at the girl from time to time. Emily notices these glances on herself, at first she does not show it, but after that she begins to smile in response to the attention and even play along with her facial expressions in a playful and provocative way.
The exchange of glances and the game of glances does not last long. Leon gets up from his seat and walks towards the girl. Emily is smiling, waiting. But Leon passes by. Emily is lost in surprise, looks disappointed at Leon's back as he leaves, but he quickly returns.
Leon (coming up to Emily). Leon!
Emily (blooms again). Good afternoon, I'm Emily.
Leon. It's a pleasure, Emily, I hope I didn't ruin your meal with my shouting? For God's sake, I'm sorry, it's just impossible how many dishonest, unscrupulous people have divorced today. (He points to an empty chair at Emily's table) Shall I sit down?
Emily doesn't have time to give her answer yet, Leon sits down next to her.
Leon. I am terribly uncomfortable with my behavior, I would like to make amends. May I buy you something?
Emily (timidly, uncertainly). It's okay, thanks, there's no need for that, I've already had a snack.
Leon. What have you been biting here? Is this food? There will be food now. (Calling the waiter). The waiter!
Emily (timidly, uncertainly). Believe me, I'm not hungry at all, it's not worth ordering anything, I was about to leave.
Leon. Yes, I was going to, too, but how can you leave when there is such a goddess here. (Emily is embarrassed.) At least let me treat you to dessert. What kind of ice cream do you prefer? The tastiest vanilla balls are sold here, they are with chocolate, with…
Emily (interrupts). No, no, I'm…
Leon. Emily, I'm begging you! Or are you in a hurry somewhere?
Emily (timidly). Well… No, actually I'm not in a hurry.
Leon. That's great. Ice cream, as I understand it, is canceled. Well, what about a little delicious cake?
Emily (timidly). Only if it's very small.
Leon. In a tiny way! Everything is going to happen now! (Calling the waiter). The waiter! Well, where is he?.. Oh, you know… it's a mess everywhere. I'll go myself now. Wait, okay?
Emily. Okay, I'll wait.
Leon is leaving. Emily quickly takes a mirror and everything necessary for an emergency marathon out of her bag. She "powders her nose", cleans everything, straightens her hair, waits with an anticipated light smile.
Leon returns with two plates, each with a small cake and spoons. He puts it on the table.
Leon. Do you prefer tea or coffee?
Emily. Yes, I have more here, just enough. I don't need anything else, thank you.
Leon (sits down next to him). Well, then I'll just go dry. I don't want to leave you for a second anymore.
They smile and exchange glances. They help themselves.
Emily. I'm sorry, I don't want to pry into my business, but have you been talking to a psychologist right now?
Leon. It's all right, you can meddle in my business as if it were your own, you're allowed to. Yes, with a psychologist… torn. The work is nervous, I take it out on everyone. So, I decided to contact a specialist so that I could prescribe some drops of sedatives, suggest some tricks to reduce stress.
Emily. So what?
Leon (nervously). What is it? Nothing! (He slows down). Excuse me. You see what's going on, you can't control yourself at all. I've fed so much negativity that God forbid. My nerves went to hell.
Emily. Yes, there is something, but this world does not take up negativity. And work is rarely a joy. More often than not, we work not where we want, but where we get paid at least something.
Leon. You're damn right, Emily! Frankly speaking, I dreamed of being a gardener.
Emily. A gardener?
Leon. Don't be surprised, yes. Not everyone dreams of becoming astronauts, heroes, or drummers of some kind since childhood. Since childhood, I have loved flowers and other beautiful plants. When the boys in the yard were chasing a ball and playing war games, I spent almost all my time in a flower bed near the entrance. Loosened the soil, removed weeds, watered during the dry period. Usually children are not trusted with such events, it's still a responsibility.
Emily. Oh, by the way. There was also a flowerbed at my entrance, Tonya was in charge of it, so try it there, step on or drop something on her patrimony, you'll immediately grab it on all fronts.
Leon. Grandfather Nikifor was in charge of our flower bed. There was a world grandfather. He quickly saw in me a craving for plants and willingly began to bring me up to date. I knew which flower we had, what it liked, where, what needed to be carefully and painstakingly cared for, what to fertilize. Of course, I also played with the guys, but I lived in this flower garden with my grandfather Nikifor much more often. It was then that I realized that this was my vocation! To keep beauty and order, to take care, to look after, to preserve beauty and clean fresh air for the world! I dreamed of a big garden in which I would live and work with pleasure and for the benefit of everyone.
Emily. But fate– a villain, has made you an astronaut!
Leon. You're almost right. I did not become an astronaut, but I really work in the space industry. I am an engineer at the design bureau.
Emily. Wow! Responsible work!
Leon. Very. If something goes wrong, who will be to blame? Therefore, as you understand, the nerves are shattered. And, excuse me, in what fields do you work? If it's not a secret, of course.
Emily. You've been so open with me, Leon, that now it's just embarrassing for me to keep quiet and conceal anything. I'm an actress.
Leon. Wow? That's right, I've seen you somewhere! Which theaters do you play in? Or are you acting in a movie? I definitely know your face. I was wondering where I could have seen you before…
Emily. No, Leon, I'm not that big of an actress. I've never acted in a movie, but I play in a children's theater, and I also lead children's theater groups. However, if you have children, then yes, you could very well come with the children to my performances. I'm currently playing Alice the Fox in Pinocchio in the musical comedy.
Leon. No, no, I don't have any children. Hmm… it's strange, it turns out I was mistaken.
Emily. But I also went to psychologists.
Leon. Really?
Emily. Truth. And more than once.
Leon. Wait! And what happened to you? Is Basilio the cat spreading its claws?
Emily. Oh, yes, I see you're in the subject! Did you go to our performances after all? Well, open up, surely you have children?
Leon. No, no, I swear to you, Emily, it's just that who doesn't know Alice the Fox and Basilio the Cat? I read it as a child. I'll tell you more. I even know Karabas – Barabas and Tortoise Tortilla, and even Duremar!
Emily. I'm smitten! On the spot!
Leon. So what happened to you? Why did you and I end up being brothers… hmm… Sisters… No, also no, brother and sister by misfortune, that's it. Yes. Although I'm probably meddling in my own business right now, too. Forgive me for my excessive curiosity, I have no right to pry into your soul.
The conversation seems to be over. Leon wants to continue it, but there is an awkward pause. He's shy about asking questions, but Emily keeps up the tact. He thinks of something in his little head, looks at Leon with very meaningful short glances, and smiles meekly. He keeps quiet.
Leon takes this silence as the end of the conversation. Without waiting for an answer, he gets up from the table and is about to leave.
Emily. Because of the children!
Leon sits back down.
Leon. Eh?
Emily. Children are still nerve–wracking. They are wonderful creatures, don't think about it, I love children very much, but many children know how to vampirize energy, I don't know if you understand what I'm talking about.
Leon. I understand, I really do. My boss is the local Count Dracula. As soon as you talk to him, then you leave the office exhausted, or even with a headache.
Emily. That's it! That's right, I'm exhausted. And the headache in our business is caused more by the parents of children. Everyone has a lot of requirements, preferences, wishes, and even claims. For every parent, their baby is the best. So there is a squabble over who should play Pinocchio and who should play Malvina.
Leon. Theatrical affairs…
Emily. Some more!
Leon. And what about psychologists? Did you help?
Emily. I went around several specialists – but it's not the same. They say that finding a personal psychologist is as difficult as finding a husband or wife. You need to find the very person who will understand you, who will not treat you like a bargaining chip among other things, a stream of customers who will actually sincerely strive to help you and not just strive, but really help!
Leon. I agree with you, but where can I find such a person?
Emily. And you know, I seem to have met someone like that.
Leon. Come on!
Emily. Seriously. A friend has problems in her personal life, she was looking for a person who could fix everything. And found it! But not a psychologist, but better!
Leon. Better, how is it?
Emily. The specialist she signed up for is not called a psychologist, but a kayfologist!
Leon. A kayfologist? What nonsense, there is not even such a word!
Emily. Did not have. Now there is!
Leon. And… and what is he, this killjoy. Is he giving away highs? Teaches you a high life? Does it teach you how to get high from life? Such a message?
Emily. Sort of.
Leon. No, it's definitely some kind of charlatan. It's already clear.
Emily. But it's just not! A friend also treated this kayfologist with caution, asked me to go to an appointment with her, as a support.
Leon. But is it really possible? The conversation with the client happens one-on-one, right?
Emily. Strangely enough, he allowed it.
Leon. Is he? That is, the guy there sets his brain?
Emily. A man, yes.
Leon. So. Well, how is it?
