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None of the features were clearly defined. It was Nausicaa remembered, not seen…
‘Well,’ said Miss Saunders doubtfully, ‘I suppose it’ll look better when you’ve got on with it a bit… And you reely don’t want me any more?’
‘No, thank you,’ said Henrietta (‘And thank God I don’t!’ said her inner mind). ‘You’ve been simply splendid. I’m very grateful.’
She got rid of Doris expertly and returned to make herself some black coffee. She was tired—she was horribly tired. But happy—happy and at peace.
‘Thank goodness,’ she thought, ‘now I can be a human being again.’
And at once her thoughts went to John.
‘John,’ she thought. Warmth crept into her cheeks, a sudden quick lifting of the heart made her spirits soar.
‘Tomorrow,’ she thought, ‘I’m going to The Hollow… I shall see John…’
She sat quite still, sprawled back on the divan, drinking down the hot, strong liquid. She drank three cups of it. She felt vitality surging back.
It was nice, she thought, to be a human being again…and not that other thing. Nice to have stopped feeling restless and miserable and driven. Nice to be able to stop walking about the streets unhappily, looking for something, and feeling irritable and impatient because, really, you didn’t know what you were looking for! Now, thank goodness, there would be only hard work—and who minded hard work?
She put down the empty cup and got up and strolled back to Nausicaa. She looked at it for some time, and slowly a little frown crept between her brows.
It wasn’t—it wasn’t quite—
What was it that was wrong?…
Blind eyes.
Blind eyes that were more beautiful than any eyes that could see… Blind eyes that tore at your heart because they were blind… Had she got that or hadn’t she?
She’d got it, yes—but she’d got something else as well. Something that she hadn’t meant or thought about… The structure was all right—yes, surely. But where did it come from—that faint, insidious suggestion?…
The suggestion, somewhere, of a common spiteful mind.
She hadn’t been listening, not really listening. Yet somehow, in through her ears and out at her fingers, it had worked its way into the clay.
And she wouldn’t, she knew she wouldn’t, be able to get it out again…
Henrietta turned away sharply. Perhaps it was fancy. Yes, surely it was fancy. She would feel quite differently about it in the morning. She thought with dismay:
‘How vulnerable one is…’
She walked, frowning, up to the end of the studio. She stopped in front of her figure of The Worshipper.
That was all right—a lovely bit of pearwood, graining just right. She’d saved it up for ages, hoarding it.
She looked at it critically. Yes, it was good. No doubt about that. The best thing she had done for a long time—it was for the International Group. Yes, quite a worthy exhibit.
She’d got it all right: the humility, the strength in the neck muscles, the bowed shoulders, the slightly upraised face—a featureless face, since worship drives out personality.
Yes, submission, adoration—and that final devotion that is beyond, not this side, idolatry…
Henrietta sighed. If only, she thought, John had not been so angry.
It had startled her, that anger. It had told her something about him that he did not, she thought, know himself.
He had said flatly: ‘You can’t exhibit that!’
And she had said, as flatly, ‘I shall.’
She went slowly back to Nausicaa. There was nothing there, she thought, that she couldn’t put right. She sprayed it and wrapped it up in the damp cloths. It would have to stand over until Monday or Tuesday. There was no hurry now. The urgency had gone—all the essential planes were there. It only needed patience.
Ahead of her were three happy days with Lucy and Henry and Midge—and John!
She yawned, stretched herself like a cat stretches itself with relish and abandon, pulling out each muscle to its fullest extent. She knew suddenly how very tired she was.
She had a hot bath and went to bed. She lay on her back staring at a star or two through the skylight. Then from there her eyes went to the one light always left on, the small bulb that illuminated the glass mask that had been one of her earliest bits of work. Rather an obvious piece, she thought now. Conventional in its suggestion.
Lucky, thought Henrietta, that one outgrew oneself…
And now, sleep! The strong black coffee that she had drunk did not bring wakefulness in its train unless she wished it to do so. Long ago she had taught herself the essential rhythm that could bring oblivion at call.
You took thoughts, choosing them out of your store, and then, not dwelling on them, you let them slip through the fingers of your mind, never clutching at them, never dwelling on them, no concentration…just letting them drift gently past.
Outside in the Mews a car was being revved up—somewhere there was hoarse shouting and laughing. She took the sounds into the stream of her semi-consciousness.
The car, she thought, was a tiger roaring…yellow and black…striped like the striped leaves—leaves and shadows—a hot jungle…and then down the river—a wide tropical river…to the sea and the liner starting…and hoarse voices calling goodbye—and John beside her on the deck…she and John starting—blue sea and down into the dining-saloon—smiling at him across the table—like dinner at the Maison Dorée—poor John, so angry!…out into the night air—and the car, the feeling of sliding in the gears—effortless, smooth, racing out of London…up over Shovel Down…the trees…tree worship… The Hollow… Lucy… John… John… Ridgeway’s Disease…dear John…
Passing into unconsciousness now, into a happy beatitude.
And then some sharp discomfort, some haunting sense of guilt pulling her back. Something she ought to have done. Something that she had shirked.
Nausicaa?
Slowly, unwillingly, Henrietta got out of bed. She switched on the lights, went across to the stand and unwrapped the cloths.
She took a deep breath.
Not Nausicaa—Doris Saunders!
A pang went through Henrietta. She was pleading with herself, ‘I can get it right—I can get it right…’
‘Stupid,’ she said to herself. ‘You know quite well what you’ve got to do.’
Because if she didn’t do it now, at once—tomorrow she wouldn’t have the courage. It was like destroying your flesh and blood. It hurt—yes, it hurt.
Perhaps, thought Henrietta, cats feel like this when one of their kittens has something wrong with it and they kill it.
She took a quick, sharp breath, then she seized the clay, twisting it off the armature, carrying it, a large heavy lump, to dump it in the clay bin.
She stood there breathing deeply, looking down at her clay-smeared hands, still feeling the wrench to her physical and mental self. She cleaned the clay off her hands slowly.
She went back to bed feeling a curious emptiness, yet a sense of peace.
Nausicaa, she thought sadly, would not come again. She had been born, had been contaminated and had died.
‘Queer,’ thought Henrietta, ‘how things can seep into you without your knowing it.’
She hadn’t been listening—not really listening—and yet knowledge of Doris’s cheap, spiteful little mind had seeped into her mind and had, unconsciously, influenced her hands.
And now the thing that had been Nausicaa—Doris—was only clay—just the raw material that would, soon, be fashioned into something else.
Henrietta thought dreamily, ‘Is that, then, what death is? Is what we call personality just the shaping of it—the impress of somebody’s thought? Whose thought? God’s?’
That was the idea, wasn’t it, of Peer Gynt? Back into the Button Moulder’s ladle.
‘Where am I myself, the whole man, the true man? Where am I with God’s mark upon my brow?’
Did John feel like that? He had been so tired the other night—so disheartened. Ridgeway’s Disease… Not one of those books told you who Ridgeway was! Stupid, she thought, she would like to know… Ridgeway’s Disease.
CHAPTER 3 (#ue4f54643-8678-5c1a-94bc-947cbe91ae18)
John Christow sat in his consulting-room, seeing his last patient but one for that morning. His eyes, sympathetic and encouraging, watched her as she described—explained—went into details. Now and then he nodded his head, understandingly. He asked questions, gave directions. A gentle glow pervaded the sufferer. Dr Christow was really wonderful! He was so interested—so truly concerned. Even talking to him made one feel stronger.
John Christow drew a sheet of paper towards him and began to write. Better give her a laxative, he supposed. That new American proprietary—nicely put up in cellophane and attractively coated in an unusual shade of salmon pink. Very expensive, too, and difficult to get—not every chemist stocked it. She’d probably have to go to that little place in Wardour Street. That would be all to the good—probably buck her up no end for a month or two, then he’d have to think of something else. There was nothing he could do for her. Poor physique and nothing to be done about it! Nothing to get your teeth into. Not like old mother Crabtree…
A boring morning. Profitable financially—but nothing else. God, he was tired! Tired of sickly women and their ailments. Palliation, alleviation—nothing to it but that. Sometimes he wondered if it was worth it. But always then he remembered St Christopher’s, and the long row of beds in the Margaret Russell Ward, and Mrs Crabtree grinning up at him with her toothless smile.
He and she understood each other! She was a fighter, not like that limp slug of a woman in the next bed. She was on his side, she wanted to live—though God knew why, considering the slum she lived in, with a husband who drank and a brood of unruly children, and she herself obliged to work day in day out, scrubbing endless floors of endless offices. Hard unremitting drudgery and few pleasures! But she wanted to live—she enjoyed life—just as he, John Christow, enjoyed life! It wasn’t the circumstances of life they enjoyed, it was life itself—the zest of existence. Curious—a thing one couldn’t explain. He thought to himself that he must talk to Henrietta about that.
He got up to accompany his patient to the door. His hand took hers in a warm clasp, friendly, encouraging. His voice was encouraging too, full of interest and sympathy. She went away revived, almost happy. Dr Christow took such an interest!
As the door closed behind her, John Christow forgot her, he had really been hardly aware of her existence even when she had been there. He had just done his stuff. It was all automatic. Yet, though it had hardly ruffled the surface of his mind, he had given out strength. His had been the automatic response of the healer and he felt the sag of depleted energy.
‘God,’ he thought again, ‘I’m tired.’
Only one more patient to see and then the clear space of the weekend. His mind dwelt on it gratefully. Golden leaves tinged with red and brown, the soft moist smell of autumn—the road down through the woods—the wood fires, Lucy, most unique and delightful of creatures—with her curious, elusive will-o’-the-wisp mind. He’d rather have Henry and Lucy than any host and hostess in England. And The Hollow was the most delightful house he knew. On Sunday he’d walk through the woods with Henrietta—up on to the crest of the hill and along the ridge. Walking with Henrietta he’d forget that there were any sick people in the world. Thank goodness, he thought, there’s never anything the matter with Henrietta.
And then with a sudden, quick twist of humour:
‘She’d never let on to me if there were!’
One more patient to see. He must press the bell on his desk. Yet, unaccountably, he delayed. Already he was late. Lunch would be ready upstairs in the dining-room. Gerda and the children would be waiting. He must get on.
Yet he sat there motionless. He was so tired—so very tired.
It had been growing on him lately, this tiredness. It was at the root of the constantly increasing irritability which he was aware of but could not check. Poor Gerda, he thought, she has a lot to put up with. If only she was not so submissive—so ready to admit herself in the wrong when, half the time, it was he who was to blame! There were days when everything that Gerda said or did conspired to irritate him, and mainly, he thought ruefully, it was her virtues that irritated him. It was her patience, her unselfishness, her subordination of her wishes to his, that aroused his ill-humour. And she never resented his quick bursts of temper, never stuck to her own opinion in preference to his, never attempted to strike out a line of her own.
(Well, he thought, that’s why you married her, isn’t it? What are you complaining about? After that summer at San Miguel…)
Curious, when you came to think of it, that the very qualities that irritated him in Gerda were the qualities he wanted so badly to find in Henrietta. What irritated him in Henrietta (no, that was the wrong word—it was anger, not irritation, that she inspired)—what angered him there was Henrietta’s unswerving rectitude where he was concerned. It was so at variance to her attitude to the world in general. He had said to her once:
‘I think you are the greatest liar I know.’
‘Perhaps.’
‘You are always willing to say anything to people if only it pleases them.’
‘That always seems to me more important.’
‘More important than speaking the truth?’
‘Much more.’
‘Then why in God’s name can’t you lie a little more to me?’
‘Do you want me to?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m sorry, John, but I can’t.’
‘You must know so often what I want you to say—’
Come now, he mustn’t start thinking of Henrietta. He’d be seeing her this very afternoon. The thing to do now was to get on with things! Ring the bell and see this last damned woman. Another sickly creature! One-tenth genuine ailment and nine-tenths hypochondria! Well, why shouldn’t she enjoy ill-health if she cared to pay for it? It balanced the Mrs Crabtrees of this world.
But still he sat there motionless.
He was tired—he was so very tired. It seemed to him that he had been tired for a very long time. There was something he wanted—wanted badly.
And there shot into his mind the thought: ‘I want to go home.’
It astonished him. Where had that thought come from? And what did it mean? Home? He had never had a home. His parents had been Anglo-Indians, he had been brought up, bandied about from aunt to uncle, one set of holidays with each. The first permanent home he had had, he supposed, was this house in Harley Street.
Did he think of this house as home? He shook his head. He knew that he didn’t.
But his medical curiosity was aroused. What had he meant by that phrase that had flashed out suddenly in his mind?
I want to go home.
There must be something—some image.
He half-closed his eyes—there must be some background.
And very clearly, before his mind’s eye, he saw the deep blue of the Mediterranean Sea, the palms, the cactus and the prickly pear; he smelt the hot summer dust, and remembered the cool feeling of the water after lying on the beach in the sun. San Miguel!
He was startled—a little disturbed. He hadn’t thought of San Miguel for years. He certainly didn’t want to go back there. All that belonged to a past chapter in his life.
That was twelve—fourteen—fifteen years ago. And he’d done the right thing! His judgment had been absolutely right! He’d been madly in love with Veronica but it wouldn’t have done. Veronica would have swallowed him body and soul. She was the complete egoist and she had made no bones about admitting it! Veronica had grabbed most things that she wanted, but she hadn’t been able to grab him! He’d escaped. He had, he supposed, treated her badly from the conventional point of view. In plain words, he had jilted her! But the truth was that he intended to live his own life, and that was a thing that Veronica would not have allowed him to do. She intended to live her life and carry John along as an extra.
