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‘Hurting you?’ he said, his voice shaking. ‘My God, I’d like to—’
He stopped, biting his lip savagely, then released her with a contemptuous gesture, turning away from her again.
When he spoke again his voice was cool and even. ‘And when passion fades—what then?’
She hesitated. ‘Then we finish it, quietly and sensibly, like adult people.’
‘Ah, yes,’ he said. ‘Rather like putting down a wounded animal.’ He paused, looking back at her, his eyes hooded. ‘Tell me something—how many other men have been offered this enticing proposition, just as a matter of interest?’
She looked down at the carpet. ‘None,’ she denied quietly. ‘I—I thought I’d found the perfect lover at last—and I wanted to go on seeing you.’
‘But only in secret,’ Liam said with icy scorn. ‘And on your terms, at designated locations and specific times. Two anonymous bodies joining, then separating. Contact without contact. How incredibly romantic.’
Cat lifted her chin. ‘You can’t bear it because I’ve been honest with you,’ she accused. ‘Because I’ve made it clear I don’t want to get involved in a full-blown relationship. If the situation was reversed no doubt it would be perfectly acceptable. But because I refuse to be trotted out as the official girlfriend when you need someone to take to a party,’ she added heatedly, ‘or I balk at cooking meals for you at the weekends and taking your clothes to the dry cleaners, then I suddenly become a Grade A tart.’
‘I took you to bed, sweetheart,’ he said harshly. ‘That does not make you an authority on my domestic arrangements or necessarily a candidate for any kind of commitment on my part, whatever you may wish to think. You’re way ahead of yourself there.’
‘It was you,’ she said, ‘who mentioned lunch and a stroll in Richmond Park.’
‘That was my mistake.’ His tone grated across her skin. ‘It won’t be repeated.’ He walked across the room to the door, where he paused, looking back at her.
“‘The Cat that walks by herself”,’ he quoted with icy mockery. ‘I should have taken that nonsense more seriously.’
‘Liam.’ Her voice trembled, and she could taste the salt of tears in her throat. Tears that she refused to shed. ‘Don’t leave like this—please. Let’s talk about it. Let me make you understand. You see—I—I want you.’
‘That’s unfortunate,’ he said. ‘Because you can’t have me.’ He shook his head. ‘I just hope that you don’t find it too lonely out there, sweetheart—while you’re searching for my replacement.’
And the door closed behind him.
Cat stood rigidly, staring in front of her, her hands clenched at her sides.
CHAPTER FIVE
‘I CAN’T let him go like this. I can’t…’ Cat whispered, as finally she shook free of her trance-like state and forced herself to move. She ran to the door and flung it open, but the corridor outside was empty. All the other doors were inimically shut.
Slowly, she retired back into her own room and sat down on the edge of the bed, wrapping her arms round her body in a gesture of bewildered self-protection as she struggled to master her breathing.
She could hardly believe his uncompromising reaction to her plan. She’d expected initial incredulity—even to be laughed at—and probably an argument. But not the kind of anger that flayed the skin from her bones. Nor had she anticipated that he’d walk out on her with such finality.
And if I had caught up with him? she thought. What could I have said? That I was sorry? That it was all a joke and I didn’t mean it? Because it wouldn’t be true.
She had wanted to be honest with him. Had needed to make him understand the limitations of any relationship between them.
But Liam hadn’t wanted the secret, passionate affair she’d offered. In fact it wasn’t certain that he’d been in the market for an affair at all, she thought, feeling her face warm as she recalled his scathing comment. Maybe, as he’d told her, she’d taken far too much for granted, and his only intention had been a brief sexual interlude to enliven a dreary weekend in the country.
After which it would have been thanks and goodbye.
Which hardly justified him seizing the moral high ground, but some men seemed adept at taking the double standard in their stride, and perhaps he was one of them.
Except that she didn’t really believe it, Cat told herself in sudden fierce negation. Whatever he might have said or done.
He wanted me, she thought. I know he did. But not enough to accept my terms. But I can’t offer more. I dare not. Not to him, or anyone.
Dear God, I’ve only known hi m for a few hours, and I already feel as if the heart’s being ripped out of my body. How could I possibly allow him closer, to become a real part of my life, when I’m halfway to falling in love with him already? And, however absurd that may be, I simply can’t risk it.
In a way, Belinda’s wedding had been a catalyst, showing her clearly the sorrow and disillusion that could await those who loved and trusted, turning into iron her determination to go her own way.
A cloud of unhappiness and disaffection had hung over the whole event, she thought, and now, in spite of herself, she’d been caught in it too.
A long, shuddering sigh escaped her.
Love’s a game, she thought. A game where the rules change every minute. And my life’s in place, so I have no room for that. I can’t afford it.
But if we’d spent the rest of the day and the night together, as Liam wanted, I might never have been able to let him go. And I knew that. I recognised the temptation. Saw the danger I was in. I had to try and regain control over the situation—and myself.
And in doing so I lost him.
She bent her head, hugging herself closer still as she acknowledged the pain of that and tried to deal with it. She could smell the soap he’d used on her skin. Was aware of the faint tenderness between her thighs from the fierce rapture they’d shared. Felt her throat tightening, and the harsh prickle of tears at the back of her eyes.
How could things change so suddenly? she asked herself, almost despairingly. Only fifteen minutes ago she’d been lying happily in his arms, her body glowing from his lovemaking. Everything to play for. Now he was out of her life for good, and she was left stunned and shocked at her sense of desolation.
The room, she thought, shivering, still seemed to carry echoes of his anger. It would be a long time before she forgot the contempt in his eyes, or his scornful words as he walked away from her.
But then it would be an even longer time before she’d be able to erase anything about Liam from her mind, she realised unhappily. When she closed her eyes he was there, as if he’d been somehow etched into the lids of her eyes.
One thing was certain. She would not be searching for anyone to take his place, as he’d so harshly suggested. She had been taught a harsh lesson, and she needed to gather her resources. Rethink her strategy.
One day, far in the future, someone might cross her path who also wanted a no-strings affair.
But he would not be Liam, she thought, and one tear trickled scaldingly down the curve of her cheek.
She stared down at her feet. The pale pink polish on her toes matched the colour on her fingernails, unflawed, without the slightest chip. Ironic, she thought, to look so groomed and orderly on the outside and be falling apart inside.
She drew a harsh breath, then jumped determinedly to her feet. This kind of emotional turmoil was exactly what she wanted to avoid, and the room itself did nothing for her mood.
Instead of sitting here, moping, she should take positive action.
She picked up the damp bath sheet and folded it, then replaced it in the bathroom and collected her bag of toiletries, dropping her soap into the wastebin.
Time for a change there, she told herself, biting her lip as she made a last check that she’d packed everything.
Her last action was to glance in the mirror, making sure that she didn’t look as wrecked as she felt. Her mouth was still slightly swollen from Liam’s kisses, and there were weary shadows beneath her eyes, but she’d pass, she told herself.
There was a different receptionist today. Cat placed her key on the desk. ‘I hope the computer’s recovered,’ she said briskly. ‘Because I’d like my bill, please.’
‘The computer?’ The girl gave her a puzzled look. ‘Has there been something wrong? No one’s mentioned it to me.’
‘Then it must be all right again.’ Cat produced her platinum card, and stood waiting as the receptionist busied herself at the screen.
She could always enquire about Liam, she thought, touching the tip of her tongue to dry lips. Forget her own rules and find out who he was. Keep it casual, keep it feasible. A magazine he’d lent her, perhaps, which she wanted to return.
For a moment she found herself regretting the absence of one of those old-fashioned hotel registers, the kind that people used to sign along with their personal details, and private detectives used to consult on the sly when the receptionist’s back was turned. It was all done with cards these days, which was no help at all—least of all to private detectives.
But what good would it do? she asked herself ironically. She’d be far better off taking a solemn vow to stop beating herself over the head like this.
The receptionist turned back to her, looking even more bewildered. ‘I’m sorry, Miss Adamson, your bill has already been settled.’
‘No,’ Cat said firmly. ‘That can’t be. I tried to pay last night, but the computer was down. I told you.’
‘But I assure you it has been paid—in full.’ The girl ran off a copy of the statement and handed it to her. ‘See?’ She was smiling brightly. ‘You don’t owe us a thing.’
‘And you don’t understand,’ Cat returned. ‘I haven’t paid it.’
‘Well.’ The smile faltered for a moment, then redoubled its efforts. ‘Maybe someone’s treated you to it. After all, you
were here with yesterday’s wedding party.’
‘Yes,’ Cat agreed slowly. ‘That must be it.’
She was nearly at the door when the girl called to her. ‘Miss Adamson, I’ve just found this note in your pigeonhole. It must have been left while I was on my break.’
Hotel stationery, Cat thought as she took it. And her name in one angry slash on the envelope.
Woodenly, she tore it open and extracted the single sheet.
The message was brief. ‘I don’t usually pay for sex,’ it read. ‘But last night was exceptional.’ And Liam’s initial.
She restrained an impulse to crumple it into a ball in her hand, or tear it, screaming, into a million pieces.
‘Are you all right, Miss Adamson? You look very pale. Not bad news, I hope.’
Cat started, and began to hastily reassemble the rags of her composure. ‘No,’ she said. ‘No, not at all,’ she said, thrusting the note into her bag.
You need to leave with your head high, she told herself. And you can do it. You have to.
She looked back at the receptionist, whose smile must surely be making her mouth ache by this time.
‘I’m fine.’ Her voice was clear and strong. ‘And thank you—for everything.’
And she walked out into the sunshine, to her waiting car.
Cat was thankful to find herself back in the office on Monday morning.
All things considered, it had been a hell of a weekend, and it would be good to put her personal problems on hold and deal with issues she had some chance of solving.
She had driven back to London without even stopping for lunch—in Richmond or anywhere else. Traffic had been heavy for a Sunday, and by the time she’d reached her flat she’d had a splitting headache, not improved by finding imperious messages from both her parents on her answer-machine, demanding she contact them without delay.
Later, Cat had thought, pressing the ‘delete’ button. When I’m feeling stronger.
She’d taken a couple of painkillers, then undressed and had a bath, washing herself from head to foot with almost minute care. When she was dry again she had got into the ancient velour robe which was her equivalent of a comfort blanket then she moulded some kitchen foil into a container and burned Liam’s note, washing the ashes down the sink.
One lot of memories dealt with, she had told herself. Although the remainder might not be so easily erased.
She had found a can of vegetable soup in one of the kitchen cupboards, and some cold chicken in the fridge, and put together a scratch meal which she’d eaten doggedly, without any pretence at enjoyment.
After that she had gone to bed, falling almost immediately into a heavy but restless sleep, fragmented by brief, disturbing dreams.
‘Still hung over?’ Andrew, her boss, enquired, brows lifted in amusement when she arrived for the morning conference. ‘Must have been a good wedding.’
She smiled back calmly. ‘We don’t do things by halves in our family.’
It was a typical Monday, with decorators going sick, solemn promises on delivery dates for furniture and fittings blithely abandoned, and recently ordered fabrics and carpets suddenly becoming discontinued.
Cat spent most of the day alternately arguing and cajoling with workmen and suppliers on the phone and by e-mail.
But her tender to redesign the workspace in an elderly office block on the edge of the City had been successful, and there was a string of enquiries from potential clients to be fielded too.
By the end of the day she felt sufficiently ahead of the game to return her parents’ calls.
‘So lovely to have seen you, darling,’ Vanessa purred. ‘Let’s get together, shall we, for a lovely long chat—girlfriend stuff?’
That indicated that Gil would not be present, which was one blessing, Cat thought wryly. She said, ‘I had the impression we were mother and daughter.’
‘Don’t get technical, my sweet.’ Vanessa’s tone was waspish. ‘Gil says there’s no way I look old enough to have a grown-up daughter.’ She paused. ‘Shall we say Wednesday evening at eight—my treat?’
Cat sighed silently, but agreed. Presumably the idea of becoming a grandmother had lost its popularity, she thought as she put the phone down. But that, too, was all to the good, she told herself defiantly, fighting the sudden rawness in the pit of her stomach.
‘You seemed a little out of sorts on Saturday,’ was her father’s greeting.
‘It was hardly the event of the year,’ Cat pointed out drily.
‘No.’ David paused. ‘There’s been a development,’ he added heavily. ‘It seems your uncle has moved out of the house and gone to live with his secretary.’
‘Oh, God.’ Cat felt slightly sick. ‘Poor Aunt Susan.’
‘He must be out of his mind,’ said her father shortly. ‘Ditching an incredible woman like that.’
‘You feel you have any place to criticise?’ Cat asked, her voice hardening.
‘There’s no comparison between the two situations,’ he defended. ‘Your mother’s temperament was a nightmare. For heaven’s sake, girl, you were there.’ His tone was injured. ‘You saw what went on.’
‘Yes,’ Cat said curtly. ‘I also know it was a long time ago, and maybe you should stop apportioning blame and move on.’ She hesitated. ‘Have you talked to Aunt Susan?’
‘Briefly,’ he said. ‘To be candid, I found it a little awkward. She didn’t say a great deal, although I did offer to go down there, of course.’
‘Did you plan to take Sharine with you, by any chance?’ Cat played restively with a pen on her desk.
‘Well, naturally. I can hardly leave her in London by herself.’ He paused. ‘I gather from your silence that you think it’s a bad idea?’
