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‘I didn’t mean it like that.’ Allie took a deep breath. ‘I took it off because I wanted to find the person I used to be—before my marriage. Somewhere along the way she seems to have vanished, but I really need to have her back.’ She lifted her head. ‘To be—Alys Colville again. Even if it’s only for a little while.’ She hesitated, sighing. ‘But I suppose that’s impossible. Everyone round here—all your neighbours—friends—will know I’m married. You must have mentioned it.’
‘I told no one, mon enfant,’ Tante said quietly. ‘It was not news I ever wished to share. I have always believed that mistakes in one’s family circle should be kept private. And I had known for some time—long before his tragic accident—that you did not love this man. Your letters made it clear.’
‘But I hardly mentioned him.’
Tante’s smile was kind. ‘Exactly, chérie.’ She paused. ‘When I received the invitation to your wedding I wrote to your mother, begging her not to allow you to ruin your life. Saying that such a marriage would have profound difficulties, even if you adored each other.’
She shrugged wryly. ‘Her reply was very angry. She said that I knew nothing about it. That you were devoted to your fiancé, that my interference was not needed, and it would be better for everyone if I stayed away.’
‘She said you’d decided the journey would be too much for you.’ Allie bit her lip. ‘Oh—I should have known …’
‘Well, that is all in the past now. It matters only that you are here now, ma chère. And if you wish to be Alys Colville again—then that is how it shall be.’
She became brisk. ‘Now, go and change, and I will try to repair the damage the sea has done to those expensive clothes.’
Allie turned obediently, then paused. She said in a low voice, ‘Am I crazy—to pretend like this?’
‘Not crazy,’ her great-aunt said slowly. ‘But perhaps—not very wise.’
Allie’s smile was swift and bleak. ‘Then I’ll just have to be very careful, too,’ she said, and made her way to her room.
CHAPTER THREE (#u4a6fd42f-af77-5786-88d3-b9a15a751fba)
THE sun had gone behind a cloud, and Allie got up from the bench, shivering a little.
She’d sat there long enough, she thought, tormenting herself with her memories. Now it was time to go back to the house and draft a letter to Tante, explaining why any return to Les Sables was impossible for her—now or in the future.
I can’t do it, she told herself with anguish. Because, even now, the pain of that time is still too vivid and too raw.
She entered the house through a side door, and went straight upstairs. After Hugo’s death, and in spite of Grace’s protests, she’d moved out of the master suite she’d reluctantly shared with him into this smaller room at the back of the house. It wasn’t as grand and formal as some of the others, and she liked its creamy-yellow walls, and the warm olive-green curtains and bedcover. Over the months it had become her refuge.
She sat down at the small writing table that she’d bought at an antique fair, and drew a sheet of paper towards her. She sat for a moment, tapping her pen against her teeth and staring out of the window in front of her, as she tried to come up with an excuse that her great-aunt would find even feasible, let alone acceptable.
Her room overlooked the vegetable garden, and the now-deserted stableyard. After the accident, Hugo’s hunters had been sold, along with his polo ponies. Except, of course, for poor little Gimlet, who’d broken both forelegs in that terrible crashing fall in the final chukka, and had had to be put down on the field there and then.
‘He was the lucky one,’ Hugo had said with scalding bitterness when they’d told him. At that time he’d seemed to recognise the full extent of his injuries, Allie thought unhappily. It was later that he’d come to believe in his own self-will rather than the prognosis from the medical experts.
Sighing, she wrote the date. Well, it was a start, she told herself wryly, then paused as there was a swift tap on her door. It opened instantly to admit her mother-in-law.
‘So there you are,’ she commented. ‘Mrs Windom has brought in the coffee. Are you coming down?’
‘Later, perhaps. I’m replying to Tante Madelon’s letter.’
‘Ah.’ Grace paused. ‘Did she have anything particular to say?’
‘She’s not well,’ Allie told her quietly. ‘She’d like me to visit her—and take Tom with me.’
‘No,’ Lady Marchington said, swiftly and sharply. ‘You can’t possibly go to Brittany, and even if you did consider it you certainly couldn’t take Tom. It’s out of the question, Alice, and you know it.’
Allie found herself reeling back mentally under the onslaught.
Of choice, she wouldn’t have mentioned Tante’s letter, or its contents, precisely because she knew what the reaction would be. And because she had no intention of going.
Yet now she found herself bristling furiously, as a spirit of angry rebellion suddenly surged up inside her. This, she thought, is the last damned straw. I’ve had as much of her interference in my life as I can stand. I’m not living under a dictatorship, and it’s time I made that clear.
She said coldly, ‘I wouldn’t be allowed to take my own child on holiday to visit a close relative? Is that really what you’re saying?’ She shook her head. ‘I can’t believe it.’
‘Then you’d better suspend your disbelief.’ Grace’s expression was grim. ‘I have no intention of permitting my grandson to be whisked out of the country—and to France, of all places.’
‘Why not? Was one of the Marchington ancestors killed at Agincourt?’ Allie tried to speak lightly, in spite of the anger building inside her.
‘Don’t be flippant,’ Grace snapped. ‘What I’m saying is that our lives are not going to be turned upside down at the behest of one arrogant old woman. I simply won’t permit it.’
‘Please don’t speak about Tante like that,’ Allie said icily. ‘The invitation came to me, and I’ll deal with it as I see fit.’ She paused, steadying her breathing. ‘I’m not a child. I’m twenty-two years old, and I don’t need your permission, or anyone else’s for that matter, to stay in Brittany with the woman who practically brought up my father.’
She met Lady Marchington’s furious gaze in open challenge. ‘Anyway, why shouldn’t I go? Give me one good reason.’ If you dare …
Spots of colour burned in the older woman’s face. ‘Tom’s far too young for a journey of that nature.’
‘A night on a ferry and a couple of hours by car?’ Allie’s tone was derisive. ‘Babies far younger make similar trips every day.’
‘But Tom isn’t just any child. He’s the Marchington heir. You have your position to consider. And his.’
Allie’s gaze remained stony. ‘And is that your only objection? Because Tom isn’t just a Marchington. He has Colville and Vaillac blood too. And it’s entirely natural that Tante should want to see him, especially as she’s in bad health. After all, he’s the last of her line, too.’
Grace’s mouth hardened. ‘Breton peasant stock. Hardly anything to boast about.’
‘They’re brave, and strong, with good, loving hearts,’ Allie returned icily. ‘That would be enough for most people.’
‘Now you’re just being difficult.’
‘Under the circumstances,’ Allie said, ‘that is almost amusing. Only I don’t feel like laughing.’
‘Alice—for heaven’s sake. There was enough talk last time when you simply—disappeared, for weeks on end, leaving poor Hugo to cope alone.’
‘Hardly alone. He had you, his nanny, a full-time nurse, and all the staff to look after him. I was pretty much surplus to requirements—except in one respect, of course.’
She paused. ‘And I came back. As I always intended. Was there more talk then? Or did I redeem myself because at last I was doing my duty by my brave, disabled husband, and giving him the child he’d been demanding with such monotonous regularity?’
There was another taut silence.
‘Sometimes,’ Grace said, ‘you sound so hard, Alice.’
‘Do I?’ Allie’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. ‘I wonder why?’
‘And I’m hurt that you should be making this kind of decision without consulting me.’
You, thought Allie, wouldn’t be hurt even if I hammered a stake through your heart.
‘As soon as that letter arrived I knew exactly what that woman would want,’ Grace added angrily.
‘Oh, come on,’ Allie defended. ‘You talk as if Tante’s always demanding attention, and that’s simply not true.’
‘Oh, she’s more subtle than that,’ her mother-in-law said derisively. ‘Your mother warned me, of course, that she was a born manipulator.’
Well, the pair of you should know, Allie countered silently.
‘Well, let’s agree to disagree over that too, shall we?’ she suggested quietly.
‘And French houses don’t have proper damp-proof courses.’ Grace tried a new tack. ‘Tom might catch a chill.’
Alice leaned back in her chair. ‘He doesn’t stay still for long enough. And I don’t want him wrapped in cotton wool all the time. He’s a little boy, for heaven’s sake.’
‘Yes, he is, and I’m not sure you realise just how important he is to the future of the Marchingtons.’
‘On the contrary. I’ve had it drummed into me that he is the future of the Marchingtons, God help him.’ Alice said shortly. ‘Before, during and after he was born, God help me.’
There was a silence. Then Lady Marchington said, ‘Alice, listen—please.’ She looked older suddenly, and weary. Almost scared. ‘You can’t possibly go back to that place. It would be madness.’
There were two heartbeats of silence as Allie looked back at her. Her voice was even. ‘In what way—madness?’
Her mother-in-law put up a hand to smooth her already immaculate hair. ‘Well—perhaps madness is a slight exaggeration. All the same, you must see why you shouldn’t go back there. And I’m sure your mother would agree with me.’
‘I don’t doubt it,’ Allie returned quietly. ‘But it makes no difference to my decision.’
Lady Marchington took a deep breath. ‘If Madelon genuinely wishes to see Tom, perhaps—arrangements could be made for her to come to England.’
‘Except that it isn’t right to uproot someone of her age,’ Alice said quietly. ‘Particularly when she’s unwell, and I’m young and healthy and can make the trip perfectly easily.’
What am I saying? Why am I making all these arguments for a case I’d already decided to lose? Because it’s too late to say so. Because, by this totally unwanted and unwarranted intervention, Grace has backed me into a corner, and if I’m ever to establish any independence for myself I cannot give way over this issue. And, as a result, I now have to go back to Les Sables d’Ignac, even though it’s the last thing I want in this world.
I have to. There’s no choice now. It’s make or break time …
Oh, God, why couldn’t she have kept quiet? Given me the chance to find some kind of valid excuse for staying away. For escaping this nightmare?
‘Plymouth to Roscoff overnight,’ she added with a shrug, forcing herself to sound casual. ‘Then a leisurely drive down to Les Sables. Tom will love it.’
‘You can’t take Tom,’ Grace said harshly. ‘If you insist on going, it must be alone.’
‘You mean that after deserting my husband on the last visit, I should desert my son this time?’ Allie asked ironically. ‘Imagine the gossip that would cause. And I don’t choose to feature as a neglectful mother. Besides,’ she added squarely. ‘It would give me the chance to really be with Tom for once. To spend some real quality time with him on my own, so that we can get to know each other properly.’
‘On your own? But you’ll have to take Nanny.’
When hell freezes over …
Aloud, ‘Thank you,’ she said politely. ‘But I wouldn’t dream of it. I’m perfectly capable of driving my own car, and caring for Tom like any other mother. In fact, I’ll love it. Besides,’ she added practically, ‘Tante has no room for another guest at the cottage, and it’s the holiday season over there.’
I want my life back, and I want my child back too, she thought. And if this is the only way, then I’ll take it.
Grace clearly realised she had lost the advantage, and her mouth was a slit. But her voice was composed again. ‘I see. So, when are you thinking of going?’
‘I thought—as soon as I can get a ferry booking.’ Allie looked back at her calmly, just as if her stomach wasn’t tying itself into knots at the prospect. She added, ‘I think I’ll pass on the coffee. Tante will be waiting for my reply.’
Grace nodded. ‘Then clearly there’s nothing more to be said.’ She gave a small wintry nod, and left the room.
The ferry was crowded, and it seemed to take an age before her deck was cleared and Allie was able to drive down the ramp into the busy port of Roscoff.
It was a clear, bright morning, but the crossing had been a choppy one. Tom had not liked the motion of the ship, and had proclaimed as much all night long. He’d not been sick, just angry and frightened—and probably missing Nanny’s confident, capable handling, Allie acknowledged exhaustedly. And for the first time she wondered if Grace and her mother had been right. She was too inexperienced, and he was too young for such a trip.
But, as she’d waited restlessly to be called to her car, she’d seen umpteen other babies, much younger than hers, who seemed perfectly relaxed and cheerful about the whole experience.
It’s all my own fault, she told herself, for not insisting on looking after him myself from Day One, and to hell with postnatal depression. Other women manage, and I could have done, too. Well, from now on things are going to change. Permanently.
She couldn’t pretend it would be easy. Nanny had greeted the news of the trip in ominous silence, and the days leading up to departure had been cloaked in an atmosphere that could only have been cut by a chainsaw.
But, when Allie had taken no notice, she’d been forced to accept the situation.
It might not be a very worthy triumph, thought Allie, but for someone who’d been consistently ignored since Tom was born, and made to feel incompetent and ungrateful when she protested, it was eminently satisfying.
She got well free of Roscoff and its environs, then stopped at a tabac in a convenient village, ordering a café au lait and a croissant, while Tom had milk, and made himself agreeably messy with a pain au chocolat.
She gave him a perfunctory wipe down to remove the worst of the crumbs, then strapped him back into his safety seat with his favourite blue rabbit. Before they’d gone half a mile, the combination of the previous restless night and warm food caught up with him, and he fell peacefully and soundly asleep, leaving Allie to concentrate on her driving.
Last time she’d come this way, she’d pushed the car swiftly, almost recklessly, aware of little but her own wretchedness, but now she had precious cargo on board, and her control was absolute. She slotted some cool jazz into the CD player, and headed steadily south towards Ignac, knowing that she would easily reach Tante’s house by lunchtime.
Tom slept for an hour and a half, and then woke, grizzling. Allie parked on the wide verge at the side of the road, changed him quickly, gave him a drink, then let him play on the rug she’d spread on the grass. Propped on an elbow, she watched him, smiling, as he carefully dismembered a large leaf.
He turned his head and saw her, according her the sudden vivid grin that lit up his face, before stumping energetically in her direction, grabbing her shoulder to steady himself.
‘Who’s my wonderful, clever boy?’ she praised, hugging him. And who certainly isn’t going to be bow-legged through walking too soon? she added silently, recalling a recent bone of contention at home.
They stayed for another sunlit half-hour before Allie decided they should be on their way again. Tom made a token protest as he was strapped into his baby seat, but she soon tickled him into good humour again, nuzzling her face into his neck so that he laughed and grabbed at her hair.
An hour and a half later, Ignac began appearing on the signposts. She saw the name with a sense of relief, because it had been a long time since she’d undertaken so long a drive. Although so far it had been an easy, even enjoyable journey, with only moderate traffic to contend with in places.
The joys of midweek travel, she thought. Most of the holidaymakers arrived at the weekend, and are now relaxing at their hotels and gîtes, leaving the roads open for me, bless them.
‘Courage, mon brave,’ she told Tom, who was beginning to be restive again. ‘We’re nearly there.’
Mentally, however, she was already bracing herself, unsure of what she might find when she reached Les Sables.
Tante disliked the telephone, regarding it as something to be used only in the direst emergencies, and the letter expressing her delight at Allie’s visit, and confirming the suggested arrangements, had been in the same wavering hand as before.
Not for the first time, Allie wished there was someone she could confide in about her worries. Someone who also cared about Tante.
Once there was, she thought—and stopped right there, her lips tightening. She could not let herself remember that—even though every landmark—every direction sign in the last hour—had been battering at her memory with their own poignant reminders.
But what else could she have expected? she asked herself with a sigh. Those few brief weeks with Remy had given her the only real happiness she’d ever known. How could she even pretend she’d forgotten?
