The German Classics of the Nineteenth and Twentieth Centuries, Volume 04

ACT III

Room in a peasant's house

The PLAYWRIGHT. The MACHINIST.

MACHIN

Then do you really think that will do any good?

PLAYWR

I beg, I entreat you, do not refuse my request; my only hope depends on it.

LEUTNER

Why, what's this again? How did these people ever get into

Gottlieb's room?

SCHLOSS

I won't rack my brains about anything more.

MACHIN

But, dear friend, you certainly do ask too much, to have all this done in such a hurry, entirely on the spur of the moment.

PLAYWR

I believe you are against me, too; you also rejoice in my misfortune.

MACHIN

Not in the least.

PLAYWRIGHT (falls down before him).

Then prove it to me by yielding to my request; if the disapproval of the audience breaks out so loudly again, then at a motion from me let all the machines play; as it is, the second act has already closed quite differently from the way it reads in my manuscript.

MACHIN

What's this now? Why, who raised the curtain?

PLAYWR

It never rains but it pours! I am lost! (He rushes in embarrassment behind the scenes.)

MACHIN

There never has been such a confusion on any evening.

[Exit. A pause.]

WIESENER

I say, does that belong to the play?

NEIGHBOR

Of course—why that motivates the transformation to follow.

FISCHER

This evening ought certainly to be described in the theatre almanac.

KING (behind the scenes).

No, I will not appear, on no condition; I cannot bear to have any one laugh at me.

PLAYWR

But you—dearest friend—it can't be changed now.

JACKPUD

Well, I will try my luck. (He steps forward and bows comically to the audience.)

MÜLLER

Why, what is Jackpudding doing in the peasant's room now?

SCHLOSS

I suppose he wants to deliver a ridiculous monologue.

JACKPUD

Pardon me if I make bold to say a few words which do not exactly belong to the play.

FISCHER

Oh, you should keep perfectly quiet, we're tired of you even in the play; moreover, now so very—

SCHLOSS

A Jackpudding dares to talk to us?

JACKPUD

Why not? For if people laugh at me, I am not hurt at all; why, it would be my warmest wish to have you laugh at me. So do not hesitate.

LEUTNER

That is pretty funny!

JACKPUD

Naturally, what scarcely befits the king is all the more fitting for me; hence he would not appear, but left this important announcement to me.

MÜLLER

But we do not wish to hear anything.

JACKPUD

My dear German countrymen—

SCHLOSS

I believe the setting of the play is in Asia.

JACKPUD

But now, you see, I am talking to you merely as an actor to the spectators.

SCHLOSS

People, it's all over with me now; I am crazy.

JACKPUD

Do be pleased to hear that the former scene, which you just saw, is not part of the play at all.

FISCHER

Not part of the play? Then how does it get in there?

JACKPUD

The curtain was raised too soon. It was a private discussion which would not have taken place on the stage at all if it were not so horribly crowded behind the scenes. Now if you were deceived, it is of course so much the worse; then just be kind enough to eradicate this delusion again; for from now on, do you understand me, only after I have gone away, will the act really begin. Between you and me, all the preceding has nothing to do with it at all. But you are to be compensated; much is coming soon which is very essential to the plot. I have spoken to the playwright myself and he has assured me of it.

FISCHER

Yes, your playwright is just the fellow.

JACKPUD

He's good for nothing, isn't it so? Well, I am glad after all, that there is still some one else who has the same taste as I—

THE PIT

All of us, all of us!

JACKPUD

Your obedient servant; it is too great an honor by far. Yes, God knows, he is a wretched writer—only to give a bad example; what a miserable part he has given me! Where, pray, am I witty and funny? I appear in so few scenes, and I believe, if I hadn't stepped forward even now, by a lucky chance, I should not have appeared again at all.

PLAYWRIGHT (rushing forward).

Impudent fellow—

JACKPUD

Look, he is even jealous of the small part I am playing now.

PLAYWRIGHT (on the other side of the stage with a bow).

Worthy friends! I never should have dared to give this man a more important part since I know your taste—

JACKPUDDING (on the other side).

Your taste? Now you see his jealousy—and they have all just declared that my taste is the same as theirs.

PLAYWR

I wished, by means of the present play, only to prepare you for even more extravagant products of the imagination.

ALL IN THE PIT

How? What?

JACKPUD

Of course for plays in which I would have no part to act at all.

PLAYWR

For the development of this matter must advance step by step.

JACKPUD

Don't believe a word he says!

PLAYWR

Now I withdraw, not to interrupt the course of the play any longer.

[Exit.]

JACKPUD

Adieu, until we meet again. (Exit, returns again quickly.) Apropos—another thing—the discussion which has just taken place among us is not part of the play either.

[Exit.]

THE PIT (laughs).

JACKPUDDING (returns again quickly).

Let us finish the wretched play today; make believe you do not notice at all how bad it is; as soon as I get home I'll sit down and write one for you that you will certainly like.

[Exit, some applause.]

(Enter GOTTLIEB and HINZE)

GOTTLIEB

Dear Hinze, it is true you are doing much for me, but I still cannot understand what good it is going to do me.

HINZE

Upon my word, I want to make you happy.

GOTTLIEB

Happiness must come soon, very soon, otherwise it will be too late; it is already half past seven and the comedy ends at eight.

HINZE

Say, what the devil does that mean?

GOTTLIEB

Oh, I was lost in thought—See! I meant to say, how beautifully the sun has risen. The accursed prompter speaks so indistinctly; and then if you want to extemporize once in a while, it always goes wrong.

HINZE (quietly).

Do bethink yourself, otherwise the whole play will break in a thousand pieces.

SCHLOSS

I wish somebody would tell me why I can no longer understand anything.

FISCHER

My intelligence is at a standstill too.

GOTTLIEB

So my fortune is yet to be determined today?

HINZE

Yes, dear Gottlieb, even before the sun sets. See, I love you so much that I would run through fire for you—and you doubt my sincerity?

WIESENER

Did you hear that? He is going to run through fire. Ah, fine, here we get the scene from the Magic Flute too, with the fire and the water!

NEIGHBOR

But cats do not go into the water.

WIESENER

Why so much the greater is the cat's love for his master, you see; that's just what the author wants to make us understand.

HINZE

Now what would you like to become in the world, anyhow?

GOTTLIEB

Oh, I don't know, myself.

HINZE

Perhaps you'd like to become a prince, or a king?

GOTTLIEB

That, better than anything.

HINZE

And do you also feel the strength within you to make a nation happy?

GOTTLIEB

Why not? If only I am once happy myself.

HINZE

Well, then content yourself. I swear to you, you shall mount the throne.

[Exit.]

GOTTLIEB

It would have to come about mysteriously—still, of course, so many unexpected things happen in the world.

[Exit.]

BÖTTICH

Do notice the infinite refinement with which the cat always holds his cane.

FISCHER

You've been a bore to us for the longest while; you are even more tiresome than the play.

SCHLOSS

You even add to the confusion in our heads.

MÜLLER

You talk constantly and do not know what you want.

MANY VOICES

Out! Out! He's a nuisance! (A crowd; BÖTTICHER finds himself compelled to leave the theatre.)

FISCHER

He with his talk about refinement!

SCHLOSS

He always vexes me when he considers himself a connoisseur.

An open field

HINZE (with knapsack and bag).

I have become quite accustomed to hunting. Every day I catch partridges, rabbits and the like, and the dear little animals are getting more and more practice in being caught. (He spreads out his bag.) Now the season of the nightingales is over, I do not hear a single one singing.

[Enter the two lovers.]

HE

Go, you bore me.

SHE

I am disgusted with you.

HE

A fine kind of love!

SHE

Wretched hypocrite, how you have deceived me!

HE

What has become of your infinite tenderness?

SHE

And your faithfulness?

HE

Your rapture?

SHE

Your infatuation?

BOTH

The devil has taken it! That comes of marrying.

HINZE

The hunt has never yet been so disturbed—if you would be pleased to notice that this open field is clearly too confined for your sorrows, and climb up some mountain.

HE

Insolent wretch! (Boxes HINZE on the ear.)

SHE

Boor! (Also boxes HINZE on the ear.)

HINZE (purrs).

SHE

It seems best to me that we be parted again.

HE

I am at your bidding.

[Exit the lovers.]

HINZE

Nice people, these so-called human beings. Just look, two partridges; I will carry them off quickly. Now, fortune, make haste, for I myself am almost getting impatient. Now I have no longer any desire to eat the partridges. It's probably thus, that, by mere habit, we can implant in our nature every possible virtue.

[Exit.]

Hall in the Palace

The KING on his throne with the PRINCESS; LEANDER in a lecturer's chair; opposite him JACKPUDDING in another lecturer's chair; in the centre of the hall a costly hat, decorated with gold and precious stones, is fastened on a high pole. The entire court is present.

KING

Never yet has a person rendered such services to his country as this amiable Count of Carabas. Our historian has already almost filled a thick volume, so often has the Count presented me with pretty and delicious gifts, sometimes even twice a day, through his hunter. My appreciation of his kindness is boundless and I desire nothing more earnestly than to find at some time the opportunity of discharging to some extent the great debt I owe him.

PRINCESS

Dearest father, would your majesty not most graciously permit the learned disputation to begin? My heart yearns for this mental activity.

KING

Yes, it may begin now. Court scholar—court fool—you both know that to the one who gains the victory in this disputation is allotted that costly hat; for this very reason have I had it set up here, so that you may have it always before your eyes and never be in want of quick wit.

[LEANDER and JACKPUDDING bow.]

LEANDER

The theme of my assertion is, that a recently published play by the name of Puss in Boots is a good play.

JACKPUD

That is just what I deny.

LEANDER

Prove that it is bad.

JACKPUD

Prove that it is good.

LEUTNER

What's this again? Why that's the very play they are giving here, if I am not mistaken.

MÜLLER

No other.

SCHLOSS

Do tell me whether I am awake and have my eyes open.

LEANDER

The play, if not perfectly excellent, is still to be praised in several respects.

JACKPUD

Not one respect.

LEANDER

I assert that it displays wit.

JACKPUD

I assert that it displays none.

LEANDER

You are a fool; how can you pretend to judge concerning wit?

JACKPUD

And you are a scholar; what can you pretend to understand about wit?

LEANDER

Several characters are well-sustained.

JACKPUD

Not a single one.

LEANDER

Then, even if I concede else, the audience is well drawn in it.

JACKPUD

An audience never has a character.

LEANDER

I am almost amazed at this boldness.

JACKPUD (to the pit).

Isn't he a foolish fellow? Here we are, hand and glove with each other and sympathize in our views on taste, and he wishes to assert in opposition to my opinion, that at least the audience in Puss in Boots is well drawn.

FISCHER

The audience? Why no audience appears in the play.

JACKPUD

That's even better! So, then, no audience is presented in it at all?

MÜLLER

Why not a bit of it, unless he means the several kinds of fools that appear.

JACKPUD

Now, do you see, scholar! What these gentlemen down there are saying must certainly be true.

LEANDER

I am getting confused, but still I won't yield the victory to you.

[Enter HINZE.]

JACKPUD

Sir Hunter, a word! (HINZE approaches, they whisper.)

HINZE. If it's nothing more than that. (He takes off his boots, climbs up the pole, then takes the hat, jumps down, then puts his boots on again.)

JACKPUD

Victory! Victory!

KING

The deuce! How clever the hunter is!

LEANDER

I only regret that I have been vanquished by a fool, that learning must acknowledge foolishness as its superior.

KING

Keep still; you wanted the hat, he wanted the hat; so again I see no difference. But what have you brought, hunter?

HINZE

The Count of Carabas commends himself most respectfully to your majesty and sends you these two partridges.

KING

Too much! too much! I am sinking under the burden of gratitude! Long since should I have done my duty and visited him; today I will delay no longer. Have my royal carriage prepared at once—eight horses in front—I want to go driving with my daughter. You, Hunter, are to show us the way to the castle of the count.

[Exit with retinue.]

HINZE. JACKPUDDINGHINZE

What was your disputation about, anyhow?

JACKPUD

I asserted that a certain play, which, moreover, I am not acquainted with at all, Puss in Boots, is a wretched play.

HINZE

So?

JACKPUD

Adieu, Sir Hunter.

[Exit.]

HINZE (alone).

I'm all in the dumps. I, myself, helped the fool win a victory against a play in which I myself am taking the leading part. Fate! Fate! Into what complications do you so often lead us mortals? But be that as it may. If I only succeed in putting my beloved Gottlieb on the throne, I will gladly forget all my other troubles. The king wishes to visit the count? Now that is another bad situation which I must clear up; now the great, important day has arrived on which I need you so particularly, you boots. Now do not desert me; all must be determined today.

[Exit.]

FISCHER

Do tell me what this is—the play itself—it appears again as a play in the play.

SCHLOSS

Without much ceremony, I am crazy—didn't I say at once, that is the enjoyment of art which you are said to have here?

LEUTNER

No tragedy has ever affected me as this farce has.

In front of the tavern

THE HOST (reaping corn with a scythe).

This is hard work! Well, of course people cannot be deserting every day either. I only wish the harvest were over. After all, life consists of nothing but work; now draw beer, then clean glasses, then pour it out—now even reap. Life means work—and here some learned folk are even so wicked, in their books, as to try to put sleep out of fashion, because one does not live enough for one's time. But I am a great friend of sleep.

[Enter HINZE.]

HINZE

Whoever wants to hear something wonderful, listen to me now! How I have been running!—first from the royal palace to Gottlieb, second with Gottlieb to the palace of the Bugbear where I left him, third from there back again to the king, fourth I am now racing ahead of the king's coach like a courier and showing him the way. Hey! good friend!

HOST

Who's that? Countryman, you must probably be a stranger, for the people in this neighborhood know that I do not sell any beer about this time; I need it for myself; when one does work like mine, one must also fortify one's self. I am sorry, but I cannot help you.

HINZE

I do not want any beer, I never drink beer; I only want to say a few words to you.

HOST

You must certainly be a regular idler, to attempt to disturb industrious people in their occupation.

HINZE

I do not wish to disturb you. Just listen: the neighboring king will drive by here, he will probably step out of his carriage and inquire to whom these villages belong. If your life is dear to you, if you do not wish to be hanged or burned, then be sure to answer: to the Count of Carabas.

HOST

But, Sir, we are subject to the law.

HINZE

I know that well enough, but, as I said, if you do not wish to die, this region here belongs to the Count of Carabas.

[Exit.]

HOST

Many thanks! Now this would be the finest kind of opportunity for me to get out of ever having to work again. All I need do is to say to the king—the country belongs to the Bugbear. But no, idleness breeds vice: Ora et labora is my motto.

[A fine carriage with eight horses, many servants behind; it stops; the KING and PRINCESS step out.]

PRINCESS

I am somewhat curious to see the Count.

KING

So am I, my daughter. Good day, my friend. To whom do these villages here belong?

HOST (aside).

He asks as though he were ready to have me hanged at once.—To the Count of Carabas, your majesty.

KING

A beautiful country. But I always thought the country must look altogether different if I should cross the border, judging from the maps. Do help me a bit. (He climbs up a tree quickly.)

PRINCESS

What are you doing, my royal father?

KING

I like open views on beautiful landscapes.

PRINCESS

Can you see far?

KING

Oh, yes, and if it were not for those annoying mountains, you would see even further. Oh, my, the tree is full of caterpillars! (He climbs down again.)

PRINCESS

That is because it is a scene in nature which has not yet been idealized; imagination must first ennoble it.

KING

I wish you could take the caterpillars off me by means of imagination. But get in, we must drive ahead.

PRINCESS

Farewell, good, innocent peasant. (They get into the carriage; it drives on.)

HOST

How the world has changed! If you read in old books or listen to old people's stories, they always got louis d'ors or something like that if they spoke to a king or a prince. Such a king would formerly never dare to open his mouth if he did not press gold pieces into your hand at once. But now! How, pray, is one to make one's fortune unexpectedly, if the chance is over even with kings? Innocent peasant! I wish to God I didn't owe anything—that comes of the new sentimental descriptions of country life. Such a king is powerful and envies people of our station. I must only thank God that he did not hang me. The strange hunter was our Bugbear himself after all. At least it will now appear in the paper, I suppose, that the king has spoken to me graciously. [Exit.]

Another region

KUNZ (reaping corn).

Bitter work! And if at least I were doing it for myself—but this compulsory villainage! Here one must do nothing but sweat for the Bugbear and he does not even thank one. Of course they always say in this world that laws are necessary to keep the people in order, but what need there is here of our Law who devours all of us, I cannot understand.

[HINZE comes running.]

HINZE

Now I have blisters-on my soles already—well, it doesn't matter, Gottlieb, Gottlieb must get the throne for it. Hey, good friend!

KUNZ

Who's this fellow?

HINZE

The king will drive by here directly. If he asks you to whom all this belongs, you must answer—to the Count of Carabas; otherwise you will be chopped into a thousand million pieces. For the welfare of the public, the law desires it thus.

FISCHER

For the welfare of the public?

SCHLOSS

Naturally, for otherwise the play would never end.

HINZE

Your life is probably dear to you.

[Exit.]

KUNZ

That's just how the edicts always sound. Well, I don't mind saying that, if only no new taxes result from it. One must trust no innovation.

[The coach drives up and stops; the KING and the PRINCESS step out.]

KING

A fine landscape, too. We have already seen a great deal of very fine country. To whom does this land belong?

KUNZ

To the Count of Carabas.

KING

He has splendid estates, that must be true—and so near mine; daughter, that seems to be a good match for you. What is your opinion?

PRINCESS

You embarrass me, my father. What new things one sees while traveling, though. Do tell me, pray, good peasant, why do you cut down the straw like that?

KUNZ (laughing).

Why, this is the harvest, Mam'selle Queen—the corn.

KING

Corn? What do you use that for, pray?

KUNZ (laughing).

Bread is baked from that.

KING

Pray, daughter, for heaven's sake, bread is baked of it! Who would ever think of such tricks! Nature is something marvelous, after all. Here, good friend, get a drink, it is warm today. (He steps in again with the PRINCESS; the carriage drives away.)

KUNZ

If he wasn't a king, you'd almost think he was stupid. Doesn't know what corn is! Well, you learn new things every day, of course. Here he has given me a shining piece of gold and I'll fetch myself a can of good beer at once. [Exit.]

Another part of the country, beside a river

GOTTLIEB

Now here I've been standing two hours already, waiting for my friend, Hinze. And he's not coming yet. There he is! But how he's running—he seems all out of breath.

[HINZE comes running.]

HINZE

Well, friend Gottlieb, take off your clothes quickly?

GOTTLIEB

My clothes?

HINZE

And then jump into the water here—

GOTTLIEB

Into the water?

HINZE

And then I will throw the clothing into the bush—

GOTTLIEB

Into the bush?

HINZE

And then you are provided for!

GOTTLIEB

I agree with you; if I am drowned and my clothes gone, I am well enough provided for.

HINZE

There is no time for joking—

GOTTLIEB

I am not joking at all. Is that what I had to wait here for?

HINZE

Undress!

GOTTLIEB

Well, I'll do anything to please you.

HINZE

Come, you are only to take a little bath. (Exit with GOTTLIEB. Then he comes back with the clothing which he throws into a bush.) Help! Help! Help!

[The carriage. The KING looks out of the coach door.]

KING

What is it, Hunter? Why do you shout so?

HINZE

Help, your majesty, the Count of Carabas is drowned!

KING

Drowned!

PRINCESS (in the carriage).

Carabas!

KING

My daughter in a faint! The Count drowned!

HINZE

Perhaps he can still be saved; he is lying there in the water.

KING

Servants! Try everything, anything to preserve the noble man.

SERVANT

We have rescued him, your majesty.

HINZE

Misfortune upon misfortune, my king! The Count was bathing here in the clear water and a rogue stole his clothing.

KING

Unstrap my trunk at once—give him some of my clothes. Cheer up, daughter, the Count is rescued.

HINZE

I must hurry.

[Exit.]

GOTTLIEB (in the king's clothing).

Your majesty—

KING

Here is the Count! I recognize him by my clothing! Step in, my best friend—how are you? Where do you get all the rabbits? I cannot compose myself for joy! Drive on, coachman!

[The carriage drives off quickly.]

SERVANT

None but the hangman could come up so quickly—now I have the pleasure of running behind on foot, and besides I'm just as wet as a cat.

LEUTNER

How many more times, pray, will the carriage appear?

WIESENER

Neighbor! Why, you are asleep!

NEIGHBOR

Not at all—a fine play.

Palace of the Bugbear

The BUGBEAR appears as a rhinoceros; a poor peasant stands before him.

PEASANT

May it please your honor—

BUGBEAR

There must be justice, my friend.

PEASANT

I cannot pay just now.

BUGBEAR

Be still, you have lost the case; the law demands money and your punishment; consequently your land must be sold. There is nothing else to be done and this is for the sake of justice.

[Exit peasant.]

BUGBEAR (who is re-transformed into an ordinary bugbear).

These people would lose all respect if they were not compelled to fear in this way.

[An officer enters, bowing profusely.]

OFFICER

May it please you, honored sir—I—

BUGBEAR

What's your trouble, my friend?

OFFICER

With your kindest permission, I tremble and quiver in your honor's formidable presence.

BUGBEAR

Oh, this is far from my most terrible form.

OFFICER

I really came—in matters—to beg you to take my part against my neighbor. I had also brought this purse with me—but the presence of Lord Law is too frightful for me.