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Tanya looked around cautiously. ‘It’s to do with the murder of the officer in the park a few days ago. They arrested a hundred people so far. That’s all I know.’
‘They arrested a hundred innocent people? Why?’
‘To make an example out of them? To make sure it doesn’t happen again? How the hell do I know?’ Tanya shrugged as if to say, What is it to me?
‘What do you mean, make an example?’ cried Natasha but Tanya was already running after the officers, her high heels click-clacking sharply on the sandstone of the stairs.
Slowly Natasha walked up the stairs. She didn’t know how to face her sister. If she could, she would have run after Tanya and onto the sunlit street, where she wouldn’t have to endure Lisa’s tears. Lisa was still on the floor, sobbing loudly and wiping her face with her fists. Natasha’s hands shook when she told her sister what she had discovered.
‘What do they want with him?’ wailed Lisa.
Natasha shrugged, her heart heavy, her eyelids heavy, everything of hers heavy, even the palms of her hands that were stroking Lisa’s quivering back.
‘Mama, what do they want with him?’ repeated Lisa, almost hysterical.
‘They’ll probably question him and let him go. He had nothing to do with the officer’s murder. They’ll see he’s innocent.’ Mother put her arms around Lisa. ‘They will, darling, don’t you worry. It will be okay.’ She tried to make her voice steady but failed.
Lisa sat up straight as if struck with a sudden idea. Her moist eyes glistened. She turned to Natasha. ‘You saw who killed the officer in the park, didn’t you?’ When Natasha didn’t reply, Lisa raised her voice. ‘Didn’t you?’ She shook her sister the way Natasha wanted to shake Tanya a few minutes ago. ‘Natasha, you have to tell them.’
‘Tell them? Tell them what?’
‘Tell them who it was.’
For a few seconds Natasha couldn’t speak. The words died under Lisa’s indignant stare.
‘Natasha, did you hear me?’ Lisa shook her one more time.
‘I heard you.’
‘You have to tell them.’
‘I wish I could Lisa. But I didn’t see who it was. It all happened so quickly.’ When she heard the lie slip effortlessly off her tongue, Natasha was horrified at herself. She realised she had told more lies in the past few hours than she had in her entire life. The effort of it all made her lips tremble.
‘I’m your sister,’ said Lisa. ‘Where is your loyalty?’
Natasha extricated herself from Lisa’s grip. ‘Lisa, I can’t tell them something I don’t know. I have no idea who it was. I was in such a shock, I hardly looked at him. I wouldn’t recognise him if I ever saw him again.’ Natasha lowered her eyes.
‘In that case you must go and tell them it wasn’t Alexei.’
Mother said, ‘They mustn’t know Natasha had anything to do with it. Or they’ll arrest her, too.’
‘Mama’s right. They’ll realise Alexei’s innocent and let him go. He’s got nothing to hide. Let’s wait and see what happens.’
‘Wait for what? For Alexei to die?’
‘He won’t die. Trust me. They have no proof. Nothing to link him with the murder.’
Natasha stroked Lisa’s head, trying to convince her sister that everything was going to be alright. Trying to convince herself that everything was going to be alright.
*
Natasha barely slept at all that night. As she listened to her sister sob on her bed hour after heart-wrenching hour, she couldn’t see straight through her guilt and her remorse. Should she have told Lisa the truth? Should she have done more to help Alexei? She thought of meeting him for the first time, over a year ago, thought of Lisa’s smile as she introduced them. Of Alexei playing pranks on them on their family trip to Lvov, when he had placed a live frog under Natasha’s pillow. Lisa had found it hopping around their tent, and her screams could be heard all the way to Kiev. Alexei was like another mischievous younger brother, and Natasha loved him dearly. How could she not help him?
But to betray Mark after he had saved her life? She couldn’t do that, either. Besides, Alexei was innocent, while Mark wasn’t. Why would the Gestapo punish Alexei for something he didn’t do? It didn’t make sense. Mark was an entirely different story, however. Natasha shuddered as she imagined what the Gestapo would do to him if they knew it was him who had shot the officer in the park. As Natasha tossed and turned and wished she was deaf so she wouldn’t hear her sister cry, she whispered like a mantra to herself, ‘He doesn’t need my help. He’ll be fine. He hasn’t done anything wrong.’ If only she kept repeating it long enough, she could make herself believe it.
Early in the morning, the girls thought they heard a soft knock, but when they rushed to the door, there was no one outside. It was still dark outside, but instead of going back to bed, they got dressed and hurried to Alexei’s apartment, even though Natasha suspected he wouldn’t go back there. No one was waiting for him at home.
Lisa had a key to Alexei’s flat, but her hands shook so badly she couldn’t fit it in the lock. Natasha took the key, patted Lisa’s hand, and opened the door.
The apartment was empty.
Lisa went from room to room, searching for him. When she realised he wasn’t there, she slid into a chair and hid her head in her hands. Suddenly she looked spent, like a deflated balloon, without air and without hope. Nothing was left, not even the strength to walk. Helplessly, she cried.
‘Come on, Lisa,’ said Natasha. ‘Let’s go to the gendarmerie. We’ll tell them it wasn’t Alexei.’
‘Will they believe us?’
‘I don’t know. But we have to try. You were with Alexei when Babushka and I… When the officer was killed in the park. We’ll tell them that. Mama can confirm our story. Papa, too. He’s a respectable man, a captain in the militia. If they don’t believe us, surely they’ll believe him?’
Lisa didn’t reply, but her eyes sparkled with hope and determination. No longer crying, she walked so fast, Natasha could barely keep up. It took them three quarters of an hour to reach the corner of Proreznaya and Kreshchatyk. It was still early, and the streets were deserted. The heavy metal door of what until recently had been the Children’s World store was closed and padlocked. The sisters waited.
After about an hour a young woman walked up the stairs, fiddled with the lock, and pulled the door with both hands. Natasha thought the woman looked familiar. ‘Katya, is that you? What are you doing here?’ Katya was the older sister of one of Natasha’s friends.
There was something different about Katya. It wasn’t her face, made up to perfection as always, or the way she wore her hair, straight down her back, or the way she dressed, in strict, understated clothes. No, it was something in her eyes. She said, ‘I work as a receptionist. What are you doing here?’
Lisa emitted a scornful snort. ‘Working for the Germans?’ she demanded and was about to say something else when Natasha pinched her forearm with all the strength she could muster. ‘Ouch,’ muttered Lisa. Natasha looked around. The street was still empty. She leaned closer and in a loud whisper related everything she knew about Alexei. Even before Katya had a chance to reply, Natasha could tell by the way her chubby face contorted that the news wasn’t good.
‘You’re too late,’ said Katya. ‘They hanged them at dawn. Hanged them all.’
Natasha gasped. She felt her sister’s hand go limp in hers. Lisa moaned and sank to the pavement.
‘Their bodies are still in the park for everyone to see.’
Natasha covered her ears. She didn’t want to hear. Her chest was burning as if a sharp object was lodged there.
Katya continued, ‘Go home, girls. There’s nothing you can do.’ Not looking at the sisters’ faces, she quickly disappeared inside, shutting the door behind her.
‘No,’ Lisa howled. ‘No.’
‘I’m sorry, Lisa. I’m so sorry,’ repeated Natasha, clutching Lisa’s shaking body tightly to herself, while inside her head, a voice repeated, It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault.
Lisa sobbed and didn’t reply.
‘Come on, Lisa,’ said Natasha, in vain trying to lift her sister off the pavement. ‘Let’s go home.’
Lisa shook her head, staring into distance.
‘Let’s go, Lisa, get up.’ It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault, like a broken record in her head.
‘Leave me alone,’ whispered Lisa, shivering.
Natasha pulled and shoved but failed to move her sister. She sat next to her, hugging her close. ‘I’m so sorry, Lisa,’ she repeated, almost choking on her tears.
Silently they sat.
‘I wish the person who did this would die,’ said Lisa finally, her voice hollow.
‘They’ll pay for everything they’ve done. You’ll see. They have to.’
‘No, I don’t mean the Nazis. The person who killed the officer in the park. Alexei died because of him.’
‘Lisa, not because of him!’ Natasha inhaled sharply. She found it difficult to speak. Her throat was too dry. ‘It wasn’t his fault. He did it to help us. He saved our lives. Me, Babushka, we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him.’
‘If he came forward, Alexei would still be alive.’
‘I’m sure he didn’t know about… about this.’ If Mark had known about this, he would have confessed. Wouldn’t he? ‘If you want to blame someone, blame the Germans.’
‘I blame you. It’s your fault.’
‘You don’t mean that. You’re upset. Let me take you home,’ said Natasha, putting her arm around Lisa. Lisa pulled away and got up, slowly walking down Kreshchatyk. Natasha followed her. Lisa didn’t speak when they reached Taras Shevchenko Boulevard. When they were walking past the park, she pulled away from Natasha and towards the gate.
‘Lisa, no. You don’t want to see,’ begged Natasha, horrified. She grabbed Lisa’s hand.
‘Leave me alone,’ screamed Lisa, pulling away so hard that Natasha lost her balance and fell. A number of people, most of them German, turned around and looked at the two girls. There was so much hatred in her sister’s eyes, Natasha almost expected Lisa to hit her. But she didn’t. When she spoke again, looking down at Natasha, her voice was no longer loud. ‘You should’ve told them what happened. For once in your life you should’ve thought of someone other than yourself. But you didn’t, and I’ll never forgive you.’
Lisa stormed off, leaving Natasha frozen in shock in the middle of the street.
*
On the stairs of her building Natasha bumped into the Kuzenkos, who were resting on what looked like a sheet filled with clothes. Timofei muttered something under his breath. Zina slept noiselessly. Natasha shook her awake. ‘What are you doing here, Zina Andreevna? Come and stay with us.’ But Zina only lowered her head and pointed at the Smirnovs’ front door, her eyes wide and staring. Natasha wondered what Zina was trying to say. She didn’t have to wonder long. At home, she found everyone jammed into their small kitchen, even Grandmother, who was lying on the folding bed someone had brought from the bedroom. The table was gone, but still there was no room in the crowded kitchen. Loud voices were coming from the living room.
Loud German voices.
‘They told us we could have the kitchen. They are going to force us from our home soon. Just like they did the Kuzenkos. Filthy animals! They can’t do this to us!’ exclaimed Mother, shaking her fist.
‘They are the conquerors, Zoya. They can do anything they want,’ said Grandfather.
The Nazis in their house! For the last few days, Natasha had felt her heart sink every time she was about to leave her apartment and step onto the streets that were swarming with grey uniforms. But at home, she had almost felt safe. Now this safety, illusionary though it had been, was gone. There was nowhere for her to hide. Nowhere to turn.
Natasha cried as she told her family about Alexei.
‘I’ll go and find Lisa,’ said Mother, tears in her eyes. ‘She needs to come home.’
After she left, Natasha sat with her grandmother, cradling her head in her lap. ‘How are you feeling, Babushka?’ Grandmother groaned. ‘She’s not getting any better,’ Natasha whispered to her grandfather.
‘No, she isn’t.’ Grandfather’s face looked grey, as if all life had been sucked out of it.
Mother returned, dragging a hysterical Lisa with her. Natasha wanted to hug her sister, but something in Lisa’s eyes stopped her. She watched helplessly as Lisa curled up in the corner and didn’t move. She seemed oblivious to the Germans in their home and didn’t participate in conversation, nor did she have any of Mark’s potatoes that Mother fried together with the Hungarian canned meat. Her eyes remained vacant and staring.
What if Lisa meant what she had said in the park? What if she never talked to Natasha again? Could Natasha live with that? Could she live with her closest confidant, the one person she had always counted on, not being there for her? She didn’t think so.
And what if, despite what Natasha had been telling herself, it was all her fault? Was there anything she could have done differently? She wished she had told Lisa the truth and lived with the consequences. And yet, to betray Mark, to condemn him to a certain death, was impossible. But what about Alexei? Had she condemned him to a certain death? Was she condemning her sister to a life of heartbreak? She had never thought of herself as selfish before, but now she wasn’t so sure.
Natasha felt an unfamiliar despair pull at her chest, a bleak hopelessness she had never experienced before. A thousand lies she had spun, the truths she hid, the falsities she left out in the open, the deaths of so many innocent people, her sister’s heartbreak… it was all too much. If Mark was fighting on the German side, wasn’t he a part of the horror that was happening on the streets of Kiev? If she continued seeing him, would a little bit of that gruesome responsibility be hers, too?
She turned towards her family’s distraught faces, towards their grief and anxiety, towards a small plate of potatoes on the table. There was no comfort in the kitchen and no comfort inside Natasha, because at that moment she decided to tell Mark she couldn’t see him anymore. She owed that to Lisa. And to Alexei.
*
After breakfast the next morning, Natasha hurried out in search of Mark. Over and over she rehearsed the words she was going to say to him, but the points that seemed so solid the day before sounded like poor excuses now that she was about to face him.
She imagined his beautiful face, his dark eyes as they lit up with joy at the sight of her. She whispered his name to herself and her heart beat faster. If she told him she didn’t want to see him again, it would be the biggest lie of all. But she had to do it. If she continued seeing him after everything that happened, she would be turning her back on her sister and her family. She would be betraying everything she believed in.
Natasha reached the barracks at eleven and asked a sentry to find Mark. A part of her hoped he wouldn’t be there. But a few minutes later, Mark appeared. When he smiled, she felt her heart melt a little. Before she had a chance to change her mind, she muttered, ‘I need to speak with you.’
‘Let’s go around the corner,’ he said. ‘We can talk there.’
They found a bench and sat next to each other, their arms touching. He gave her a piece of bread and a bar of chocolate. She pushed them away but he insisted. She tasted a little bit of the bread. White on the inside and golden on the outside, it was so delicious; it melted in her mouth, just like the bread of her childhood.
He watched her eat in silence, and when she finished, he asked, ‘What did you want to talk to me about?’
She hesitated. How could she explain all her fears and all her doubts without hurting his feelings? Then again, she was determined to stop seeing him. His feelings were going to get hurt no matter what. Just like hers. ‘I can’t do this anymore. Meeting you like this. We need to stop…’ She couldn’t face him. Turning away from him, she watched half a dozen Nazi officers as they strolled briskly past.
‘You don’t want to see me anymore?’ he repeated as if he couldn’t believe what she was saying. She could hardly believe it herself.
‘What future can we possibly have together?’
‘I don’t know but I want to find out.’ He put his arms around her and turned her towards him, forcing her to look at him. ‘Natasha, I don’t think I could stop seeing you. I’m not that strong.’
He wasn’t making it any easier for her. She stared at him mutely, pleadingly.
‘If you are done with me, I’ll understand,’ he continued. ‘It will break my heart but I’ll respect it. But if you want to stop seeing me because of the circumstances we are in… I don’t know why, but I think it was meant to happen this way.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I was meant to walk through the park at the precise moment you needed help. It wasn’t just a coincidence.’
It was true, she owed him her life. But it didn’t change anything. ‘What about the war? The Germans? Everything is against us.’
‘The war won’t last forever. At this rate there will soon be no men left to fight it.’ He smiled gravely. ‘As long as we have each other, we’ll figure it all out. We’ll make it work.’
A couple of days ago she had believed it, too. But now everything was different. ‘Alexei is dead,’ she whispered. She moved away from him on the bench, wiping her face.
‘Alexei?’
‘My sister’s fiancé. She is heartbroken. They were going to get married…’ She couldn’t continue.
His face fell. ‘What happened?’
