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‘Alexei!’ Lisa called again. Her voice quivered.
Alexei handed the stall owner some money and pocketed a knife. ‘Wait up!’ he cried, breaking into a run.
‘Dillydallying as always,’ said Lisa, her plump lips pursed together in a pout. ‘Keep this up, and we’ll leave you here.’
‘Nagging already? And we’re not even married yet.’ Pecking Lisa on the cheek, Alexei adjusted his glasses, his face a picture of mock suffering and distress.
‘Get used to it,’ said Lisa, pinching the soft skin above his elbow. He attempted a frown but failed, smiling into Lisa’s freckled face.
They paused in the middle of the road and kissed deeply. A van swerved around them. The two lovers didn’t move. They barely looked up.
‘And this is why I walk five metres behind you. It’s too embarrassing.’ Natasha stared at the ground, her face flaming. Wishing she could run home but not wanting to abandon Lisa and Alexei in the middle of the street, she was practically jogging on the spot. ‘You heard Papa this morning. Under no circumstances were we to leave the house.’
‘We had to leave the house,’ said Lisa. ‘You know we did. It was a question of life and death.’
Natasha raised her eyebrows. ‘A wedding dress fitting is a question of life and death?’
Lisa nodded. ‘Not just any fitting. The final fitting.’
‘The final fitting,’ mimicked Alexei, rolling his eyes. ‘I had to wait for you for an hour! An hour in the dark corridor.’
Lisa pulled away from him. ‘You know you can’t see me in my wedding dress before the wedding. It’s bad luck.’ She whispered the last two words as if the mere mention of bad luck was enough somehow to summon it.
‘It’s bad luck to be outside at a time like this,’ murmured Natasha.
Lisa said, ‘Don’t worry. The streets are perfectly safe. And Papa will understand.’
‘I doubt it. Just yesterday he said you were too young to marry.’
Lisa laughed as if it was the most preposterous thing she had ever heard. ‘And I reminded him that Mama was younger than me when they got married. And Grandma was only sixteen when she married Grandpa. When Mama was pregnant with Stanislav, she was the same age as you.’
Exasperated, Natasha shook her head.
Lisa continued, ‘Did you hear the dressmaker? Apparently, I have the perfect figure. Mind you, I still have time to lose a few pounds before the big day.’
Alexei ran his hands over her tiny frame. ‘Don’t lose a few pounds, Lisa. There won’t be any of you left to marry.’
His words were interrupted by a distant rumble. Half a city away, the horizon lit up in red and yellow.
An explosion followed.
And another.
And another.
For a few breathtaking seconds, the ground vibrated. Somewhere in the distance, machine guns barked and people shouted. And then, as if nothing had happened, all was quiet again. On the outskirts of town, fires smouldered and smoke rose in a gloomy mist.
‘Don’t be scared,’ said Alexei, pulling Lisa tightly to his side. ‘There won’t be much bombing today.’
‘How do you know?’ demanded Natasha.
‘Just something I’ve heard. The Nazis don’t want to destroy our city. They’re saving it.’
‘Saving it for what?’ Lisa wanted to know.
‘For themselves, silly,’ said Natasha.
Lisa gasped and didn’t reply. Natasha could tell her sister was scared because she no longer dawdled. Racing one another, they turned onto Taras Shevchenko Boulevard. It was sunny and warm, as if summer had decided to stay a little bit longer and wait – for what? The Nazis in the Soviet Union? The daily bombing? The sheer joy of nature in late bloom and its unrestrained abundance seemed out of place in the face of the German invasion. The blue skies, the whites and reds of the flowers, contrasted sharply with distant gunfire and burning buildings.
Posters adorned every wall, most of them depicting a comical figure of Hitler, his body twisted into a shape of a swastika. We will kick Hitler back all the way to Germany, the posters declared. On every corner, loudspeakers yelled out Soviet propaganda and occasional news from the front. Natasha wished the news were as optimistic as the posters, but it was rarely the case.
As she tried to keep up with her sister and Alexei, Natasha thought of the first time the bombs had fallen on Kiev, on Sunday 22
June. She thought of the shock and the fear and the disbelief. Nearly three months on, they had become accustomed to the shelling, to the regular din of machine-gun fire, like a soundtrack to their daily lives. With dismay, she realised it had almost become normal. The realisation scared her more than the Nazi planes drifting overhead. She didn’t want to accept the unacceptable, to get used to the unthinkable. But she knew she wasn’t the only one feeling this way because there were more and more people on the streets during the bombings. Yes, they made an effort to walk closer to the buildings to avoid being hit, but they no longer slowed down, or sought shelter, or interrupted their quest for food. Even now, as explosions sounded, the queue outside the shop didn’t disperse. As if nothing was happening, people continued to wait for their bread and their sausages and their flour, for all the things they needed to survive and stave off the war. What was happening to their city now, what had happened three months ago when Hitler attacked the Soviet Union, seemed like a nightmare that would never end. Natasha felt as if at any moment she would wake up only to find the streets of Kiev peaceful and quiet.
Since the day her city was first bombed in June, Natasha had waited impatiently to wake up.
In Taras Shevchenko Park, the ground was littered with shells that had once carried death but now lay peacefully at their feet. Natasha could feel their sharp edges through the soles of her boots. One of her favourite places in Kiev, the park was unrecognisable. Anywhere not covered by pavement was excavated. In the last three months, it had transformed into what seemed like the habitat of a giant mole, full of holes and burrows. All the trenches that the Kievans had dug, all the barricades they had built, enthusiastically at the end of June, habitually in July and sporadically in August, now stood empty and abandoned. How meaningless it all seemed, how futile.
Uncertainly Lisa muttered, ‘The Germans aren’t coming here. Haven’t you heard the radio?’ Like clockwork every few hours, the radio and the loudspeakers outside screeched, ‘Kiev was, is and will be Soviet.’
Howironic, thought Natasha. As if anyone believed it now.
‘The Red Army will soon push Hitler back,’ added Lisa.
‘What Red Army?’ muttered Natasha.
Suddenly, on the corner of Lva Tolstogo and Vladimirovskaya, Lisa came to an abrupt halt. Natasha, who was only a couple of steps behind, bumped straight into her sister. ‘What—’ she started saying and then stopped. Her mouth assumed the shape of an astonished ‘O’ but no sound escaped. All she could do was stare. From the direction of the river, hundreds of soldiers in grey were marching towards them.
Wide-eyed, the sisters and Alexei backed into the park and hid behind its tall fence, watching in fear.
The wait was finally over. The enemy were no longer at the gates. Surrounded by crowds of confused men, women and children and accompanied by barking dogs, the enemy were right there, inside their city, their grey uniforms a perfect fit, their green helmets sparkling, their motorbikes roaring, their footsteps echoing in the tranquil autumn air.
*
When they thought it was safe, the girls and Alexei ventured cautiously from behind the fence. The streets that were busy only moments earlier were now deserted. The silence was tense, expectant. And only occasionally, as they walked down Tarasovskaya Street, did Natasha hear loud voices coming from Lva Tolstogo Boulevard. Natasha felt a chill run through her body because they were not Russian voices but German. The unfamiliar sounds spoken so assertively on the streets of Kiev seemed to defy the natural order of things.
At the entrance to their building, Alexei tried to say goodbye but Lisa grabbed his hand. ‘Where do you think you’re going?’
‘Home,’ he said, making a half-hearted attempt to break free.
‘It’s too far. And too dangerous.’ Alexei lived three short tram stops away. Since the tram was no longer running, it was a twenty-minute walk.
‘I’d rather face the Nazis than your father.’
But Lisa was adamant. ‘Don’t go back to an empty house. Come home with us.’
Together the three of them climbed eight flights of stairs to the sisters’ apartment. Natasha dawdled on the stairs, taking forever to find her key. She realised she didn’t want to be the one to give the terrifying news to her family.
‘Girls, is that you? We’re in the kitchen.’ Mother’s voice sounded unusually shrill. Natasha took her time removing her shoes, hesitating before walking down the long corridor. Would Mother cry when she heard? And what would Father say when he realised that, despite his specific instructions, they were out when the Germans entered Kiev? A captain in the militia, he ruled the household just like he did his subordinates at work. He was strict, brusque, devoid of emotion, and everyone who came into contact with him was in awe of him. Everyone, that was, except her mother, who with a couple of well-chosen words could defuse even the biggest storm.
It was dim in the kitchen. The radio was playing Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake, Natasha’s favourite. The familiar chords never failed to make her smile, but today the music was accompanied by German shouts coming from the window, as platoon after platoon of soldiers in grey marched through the city. Lisa hid behind Natasha, all her earlier bravado forgotten. But Father barely glanced in their direction. His face ashen, he was bent over the table, every now and then barking short sentences into the telephone receiver that he cradled with his shoulder. ‘Heavy losses? Southwestern Front destroyed?’
Natasha shivered.
‘We saw—’ Lisa started saying, her eyes wide.
‘Have something to eat,’ said Mother. She looked as if she had just stepped out of bed. Her hands, her long musician’s fingers were fidgeting, picking up cups, wiping the table that was already clean. ‘Alexei, please, come in. Would you like some soup?’
‘We’re not hungry, Mama,’ said Lisa. ‘We saw German soldiers outside.’
Father rose to his feet and, still holding the telephone, started pacing from one wall to the other. It took him three strides to cover the distance between the two walls. His steps resonated ominously in the quietened kitchen. Finally, he reached for a cigarette, even though he already had one in his mouth, and put the phone down.
‘Bad news?’ asked Mother.
Father didn’t seem to hear. ‘They’re finally here. There are thousands of them in the city.’
Lisa nodded. Mother gasped. Alexei collapsed into a chair and said, ‘Thousands?’
‘I hope Stanislav is okay, wherever he is,’ exclaimed Mother. Natasha’s older brother Stanislav had been drafted into the Red Army in June. The family hadn’t heard from him since.
Natasha whispered, ‘What’s going to happen to us? Papa, what are we going to do?’
Father startled as if her words woke him from an unpleasant dream. He narrowed his eyes on Natasha and said, ‘It won’t be for long. We just need to sit tight and wait for the Red Army to come back.’ As usual, his stern voice allowed for no arguments. And only his hands were shaking.
Natasha didn’t know what to think. She didn’t know what to expect. German occupation, what did it mean? She turned to her mother, who was fidgeting in her chair and not looking at Natasha. She turned to her father, who was smoking grimly and not looking at Natasha. She turned to Lisa and Alexei, who were staring out the window in stunned disbelief. Natasha suspected that her sister, who thought she knew everything but knew nothing, and her mother, too afraid to think straight, and even her father, who ruled their family with an iron fist, didn’t have any answers.
The only thing Natasha Smirnova knew for a fact on 19
September 1941, when Hitler entered Kiev, was that life as she knew it was over.
*
All was quiet in the city at night, and Natasha, who had become accustomed to the distant sound of war, couldn’t sleep. For three months she had dreamt of being able to go to bed and not hear the buzz of the cannonade, and not hear the explosions and the mortars that were getting closer and closer, as if seeking her out. But now, as she lay in bed with her eyes wide open, she didn’t rejoice at the peace in Kiev. She didn’t rejoice because of what this peace signified. The silence meant there was no Red Army, no planes with red stars on their wings and no chance of a Soviet victory. Instead, the enemy troops were finally here. Like an oppressive shadow, Natasha could sense their presence, even here in the safety of her bed. How would they treat the local population? What if right now, while Natasha was asleep, someone marched through the door and – and what? She didn’t know what exactly she was afraid of, but she was afraid all the same. It was an abstract fear of things to come, a fear that pulled on her chest and made her heart ache. From this moment on, Kiev was a city oppressed, occupied and enslaved. And no one she knew and loved was safe.
The clock in the corridor chimed midnight. Natasha, who was sleeping on a small folding bed in her grandparents’ room, could hear Lisa tossing and turning in her bed in the room next door. Natasha got up and crossed the small space that separated the two rooms, peering in. Her eyes were used to the dark and she could make out Lisa’s shape as she curled up in bed. Instantly she felt less lonely, and her heart felt lighter. The weight she was carrying wasn’t hers alone. She had her sister to share it with.
‘Lisa, are you awake?’ she whispered, and her voice came out eerie and unfamiliar. She perched on the edge of her sister’s bed.
‘I am now.’ Lisa didn’t sound scared or uncertain. Just annoyed at being disturbed. ‘What is it, Natasha? It’s late.’
‘What do you think is going to happen to us?’
‘I guess the same thing that’s been happening to us since June.’
‘But now they’re here.’
‘There’s nothing we can do about it. We’ll just have to learn to live with it.’
‘How do we do that, Lisa? How do we learn to live with it?’
‘You heard Papa. It won’t be for long,’ said Lisa. ‘Before we know it, our army will come back and boot the Nazis out.’
‘Yes, but what if they don’t? What if it takes months or even years?’ Natasha shuddered under her warm blanket. Years under German occupation? She couldn’t imagine living like this for another day. Although she didn’t know what to expect, her whole being rejected the idea.
‘Let’s take it one day at a time. Don’t think about it now. Think about it tomorrow. Try to get some sleep. Goodnight, Natasha.’
‘Goodnight, Scarlett O’Hara.’
It had always been like this. Natasha would be upset about something, and Lisa would tell her not to worry. Although a year younger, she never showed weakness, never opened up. But this wasn’t another teenage drama. It wasn’t a fight with her best friend Olga or a failed geometry test. It was the end of their life as they knew it.
Back in her own bed, Natasha dozed off, a troubled sleep with dreams of being pursued and lost. When she woke up, it was still dark. She wondered what time it was. What was it that had woken her? Footsteps! There they were again, soft and careful. Petrified, Natasha curled into a ball, trying to make herself smaller, less noticeable. She wished she was invisible, so that no one could find her and nothing could hurt her. And then she thought, Is this it?Is this what my life has become? Is this what I have become, afraid of my own shadow?
Through the paper-thin wall, she heard an urgent whisper. ‘Lisa, wake up!’
‘Alexei! What are you doing here?’ Lisa seemed happier to be woken up by Alexei than she was by Natasha. She sounded honey-sweet. Natasha wondered if their voices would wake their grandparents but no, they continued sleeping, their breathing regular.
‘I can’t sleep,’ said Alexei.
‘I can’t sleep, either.’
‘That folding bed is so uncomfortable. And it’s cold in the kitchen. The window is open.’
‘Have you tried closing it?’
‘No, I thought I’d come here instead.’
‘So sleep here with me. I’ll keep you warm.’
‘Are you sure? What if your father finds out? He’ll kill us both.’ Lisa’s bed creaked once, and then again, as Alexei climbed in.
‘Who’s going to tell him?’ asked Lisa.
‘He’ll come into the kitchen in the morning and find my bed empty. What is he going to think?’
‘You’ll just have to wake up before him, won’t you?’
‘What about Natasha?’
‘She’s a sound sleeper. Besides, she’d never tell on me. She’s my sister.’
There was a moment of silence that lasted far too long. Were they kissing? Natasha felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. Maybe she could go and sleep in the kitchen on Alexei’s folding bed. But that would mean admitting she had been awake all this time, listening in. And what would Father say if he found Natasha in the kitchen? Alexei and Lisa wouldn’t be the only ones he would kill.
A pitiful sound reached her, like a kitten meowing. Lisa was whimpering softly and blowing her nose. It had been years since Natasha had heard her sister cry.
‘Are you okay?’ asked Alexei. ‘Why are you crying? Do you want anything? What’s wrong?’
‘Everything,’ said Lisa. ‘Everything is wrong. What are we going to do?’
