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‘My hair?’
‘It suits you short.’
‘Thank you.’
‘When did you change it?’
‘Years ago.’
‘A new start?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Why did you never remarry, Lily?’
At his question, Lily went still, tensed a little, then relaxed in the kind of way that felt as if it had taken some effort. ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she said lightly. Too lightly, he thought. ‘Once bitten, twice shy, maybe.’
‘That’s all?’
Where the question had come from Kit had no idea, but now it was out there he was rather interested, rather hoping she’d admit that she’d never truly got over him.
She sighed. ‘No. Not really.’
‘Then why?’
‘I never met anyone.’
‘Seriously?’ He found that rather hard to believe. Lily was gorgeous. Fun. Successful. He’d have thought she’d have been snapped up within weeks. Was very glad she hadn’t.
‘To be more accurate I suppose I never let myself meet anyone,’ she said, twining her fingers through his. ‘At least not anyone I could be properly interested in.’
Kit frowned, unable to work that out. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I guess I always figured a deep and meaningful relationship would put me in a vulnerable position or something. I didn’t—don’t—ever want to be in a situation again which could lead to the kind of pain and heartache and desolation I went through with you. Does that make any sense whatsoever?’
‘More than it should. So what are you saying? You’ve been celibate all these years?’
‘No, of course not,’ she said with a soft laugh that clearly didn’t take into consideration the jealousy lancing through him at the thought of her with other men. ‘I’ve been out with guys. Nice guys. Had flings and things. But none of them involved the earth-moving, mind-shattering, fireworks-and-explosions kind of sex we had. It was more a case of the scratching of an itch. Which suited me just fine at the time.’
‘But not now?’
She turned her head and smiled up at him. ‘What do you think?’
Kit thought that she was never having sex—good or bad—with anyone else ever again.
‘Anyway, what about you?’ she said. ‘Why haven’t you ever remarried? You always did want children and it can’t have been for lack of opportunity.’
‘It wasn’t.’
‘Silly me for asking.’
The trace of jealousy in her voice made him smile. ‘But every relationship I’ve attempted tended to be hampered by the problem you solved on New Year’s Eve.’
‘Your impotence?’
He winced. ‘Ouch. Do you have to?’
‘Sorry,’ she said, not sounding sorry at all. ‘What would you call it?’
‘A temporary psychological problem to do with certain issues relating to intimacy.’
‘Not all that temporary if it went on for five years.’
‘No.’
‘And that sounds like something a therapist would say.’
‘It was.’
Shifting out of his embrace, she sat up and turned round to stare at him, surprise written all over her face. ‘You saw a therapist?’
‘I did.’
‘But it didn’t help?’
‘Nothing did.’
‘That must have been frustrating.’
‘You have no idea.’
‘Well, now you’re cured you can go back and take your pick.’
Kit looked at her thoughtfully. ‘I could,’ he said eventually. ‘But I won’t.’
She went very still, not taking her eyes off him for a second. ‘Oh?’
‘Because this—us—isn’t just sex, is it?’
‘I don’t think so,’ she said, so softly it came out as almost a whisper. ‘I’ve spent the entire last week remembering why I fell in love with you.’
‘Ditto.’
‘And now I think the real reason that I’ve never really had a proper relationship since us is that despite everything I tried to tell myself I never fell out of love with you.’
‘And I think that the problem I had with sex, which I always thought was to do with the guilt I carried at having that one-night stand, was down to the fact that I never fell out of love with you.’
She tilted her head, a faint smile playing at her lips. ‘What a pair we are.’
They could be a formidable pair, thought Kit. A great pair. And if only she gave him the chance to prove it, he’d devote the rest of his life to making up for what he’d done to her and to them. He took a deep breath, his heart hammering so wildly he could feel it banging against his ribs. ‘Lily?’
‘Yes?’
‘What would you say to us trying again?’
* * *
Despite the fact that somewhere in the back of her mind Lily had been expecting something like this, she still had to bite back the ‘yes’ that was trying to tumble out of her mouth, and she still had to clamp down on the urge to throw herself against him and smother him in kisses.
Because while she’d thought about it quite a lot this afternoon, and fantasised about it before that more than she cared to admit, the reality of them wasn’t some kind of fairy tale. It wasn’t all hearts and roses, lost love found and a blissful happy ever after.
Once upon a time it had been painful, heartbreaking and soul-destroying. Now it was messy and filled with memories and experiences that were not, perhaps, conducive to a healthy, functional relationship.
So while on one level the idea that they got back together was the best thing she’d heard in ages, on another she had so many doubts and fears about what would happen if they did that she held back.
Ignoring her heart, which was remembering he’d said he loved her, Lily listened to her head, which was insisting she proceed with caution, and sighed. ‘I don’t know, Kit.’
He frowned, his smile fading. ‘What don’t you know? You know I love you.’
‘And I love you. But we were in love last time and look what happened. What makes you think it would work this time round?’
‘We’ve changed.’
‘Enough?’
‘I think so.’
He was right. They had. But still... ‘Some things haven’t though.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like the children you’ve always wanted,’ she said, and steeled herself for the dull ache that throbbed through her. Not quite the sharp pain it had been because she’d come to terms with it now, but nevertheless it still hurt a little. ‘That’s not going to happen with me, because I really don’t think I could go through the whole IVF thing again.’
Three rounds had been quite enough and she never again wanted to experience the hope and the despair that the procedures had aroused in her. Never again wanted to be reminded of the pain and devastation of her ectopic pregnancy and her resultant infertility.
‘There are other options,’ he said, watching her closely.
‘Adoption?’
He’d suggested that once before, just after she’d found out that the third round of treatment hadn’t worked, and at the time she’d been feeling so like she’d failed in her evolutionary role on the planet, and so unable to believe that he could have brought it up at that time, that she’d yelled at him that he was unthinking and unfeeling and wholly insensitive if he thought that adopting could make up for holding their own child in her arms.
But now, though, she could see that it was an option. The only one they had really.
‘We could think about it,’ he said. ‘At some point. Or not. Whatever you want. I’d rather have you and no children than a family with anyone else. I always did.’
Ignoring the warmth that swept through her at that, Lily said quietly, ‘You say that now, but what if you change your mind?’
‘I won’t.’
‘You might.’
‘Trust me.’
‘And that’s another thing,’ she said, frowning as yet another thing to worry about should she agree to try things again flew into her head. ‘How do I know I can trust you? How do I know that when things get tough, when I go all weird and withdrawn, as I’m bound to from time to time, you won’t go and find comfort with someone else?’
He reached out and took her into his arms. Pulled her round and back into him, nestling her head beneath his chin. ‘Because we’ll talk,’ he said against her hair as he held her tight. ‘Communicate.’
‘Do you think we can?’
‘I’ll make sure we do. I won’t let us not.’
Lily watched a shooting star dart across the sky and felt her heart skip a tiny beat. ‘Is it really that simple?’
‘It could be if we take things one day at a time.’
At the sincerity in his voice and with the warmth and heat of his body wrapped round her Lily found herself hovering.
Could they make a go of it? Get it right this time? Kit did make it sound simple. And out here, in the velvety isolation of the night, tucked away in their own little bubble, it seemed as if anything was possible.
But what would it be like when they got back to London? Back to life? Real life. Would they be able to navigate the obstacles of their relationship as well as two busy careers? Not to mention manage the expectations of family and friends. Did they have the strength? The commitment? Did they really have the ability to be open and honest when experience suggested otherwise?
‘Look, Lily, I’m not saying it won’t be hard,’ he said quietly, as if able to read her mind. ‘I don’t think we’re always going to have an easy ride. All I know is that I love you and if I do by some miracle get you back I’ll do my damnedest to make it work.’
At the quiet conviction of his words and with the beat of his heart strong and steady beneath her shoulder she could feel herself falling. ‘I’d need honesty.’
‘You’d have it.’
‘Always?’
‘Always. And I won’t give you any reason not to be able to trust me. Ever.’
‘Really?’
‘I promise.’
And just like that down she went, head over heels into a future with him. ‘All right,’ she whispered with her heart in her throat. ‘Let’s do it.’
TEN (#u65326248-a3b6-5a84-8522-6e9c2cd8cf25)
‘You look happy.’
Lily dropped her bag on her desk, sat down in her chair and gave her sister a smile that was wide and bright and at the moment pretty much permanent. ‘I am.’
And she was. Because despite her misgivings, the last couple of months had been wonderful. Better than she could ever have imagined. And so much fun that every time she thought about the five years she and Kit had been apart she found herself shaking her head in amazement that she’d actually thought she’d been fine.
She hadn’t been fine, she could see now. She’d been coasting. Simply existing as the days rolled endlessly by, and living her life in black-and-white. And despite a great social life and her fabulous family, she’d been so very, very lonely.
In contrast, since they’d returned from the Indian Ocean she felt as if she were on fire. She woke up every morning raring to go, brimming with a fizzing sort of energy she could barely contain. The days now whizzed by in glorious Technicolor, the nights were hot and heavy with passion and she’d never felt less lonely or more convinced that choosing to give them a second shot had been the best decision she’d ever made.
