It’s Christmas!: Whatever Happened to the Christmas Single?

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It’s Christmas!: Whatever Happened to the Christmas Single?
James King

Updated for Christmas 2013!James King is tired of ‘Step Into Christmas’. He’s tired of ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’. He’s tired – if it’s possible – of ‘Fairytale of New York’. It’s time for a new Christmas Classic.‘It’s Chriiiistmaaaas’ is a festive journey through the decades via the most cherished seasonal songs of the last century – from ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ to ‘Do They Know it’s Christmas?’. But beneath the nostalgia, are serious questions: is it always ‘Last Christmas’ for the December charts? Has the music buying public become like Noddy Holder’s Gran, telling everyone the ‘old songs are the best’? In this, his manifesto, James King takes us through the grand history of the Christmas number one, proving, once and for all, that the charts are ready for a new Christmas hit.

IT’S CHRIIIISTMAAAAS!

Whatever Happened to the Christmas Single?

JAMES KING

CONTENTS

TITLE PAGE (#ueab2635a-7f3c-55b5-8fcf-12016ceb3d15)

INTRODUCTION TO THE SECOND EDITION

INTRODUCTION: SAINTS AND SINGERS (#ulink_f40b37ed-b5f7-5083-9481-b5b30f7821a0)

THE MOST PLAYED CHRISTMAS SONGS IN THE UK IN THE 21

CENTURY (#ulink_45ca2fed-1cd5-5b2b-a8ce-b808ef01185c)

‘DOES YOUR GRANNY ALWAYS TELL YOU THAT THE OLD SONGS ARE THE BEST?’

THE ONES I USED TO KNOW

BAND AID: PATCHING UP EGOS

IT’S ALWAYS LAST CHRISTMAS – THE WORST OF THE COVER VERSIONS

IN THE BLEAK MID-NINETIES

MARIAH CAREY – ALL SHE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU, TOO. PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE, IN FACT.

ROCKIN’ AROUND THE MP3

CHRISTMAS COWELLS

THE WONKIEST CHRISTMAS LYRICS

THE POGUES: GRATEFUL CARNIVORES

GOD REST YE SCARY GENTLEMEN

HERE ARE A FEW ALTERNATIVE ACTS THAT COULD ONE DAY BE SEEN AS COSY CHRISTMAS FAVOURITES

SILENT NIGHTS

‘LOOK TO THE FUTURE NOW, IT’S ONLY JUST BEGUN’

COPYRIGHT

ABOUT THE PUBLISHER

INTRODUCTION TO THE SECOND EDITION (#u22668488-f304-58da-b946-375de85ac4be)

Christmas 2012 didn’t save the festive single; it was still all about ‘The X Factor’. Whilst Cowell’s talent show achieved record low ratings, its winner, James Arthur, achieved the biggest selling victory song ever (1.3 million copies, besting previous sales champ Alexandra Burke). His croaky version of Shontelle’s ‘Impossible’ was no five-minute wonder either, staying in the Top 40 well into March thanks to an uncharacteristic amount of support from radio. So even if casual telly viewers were turning off the show in droves it seemed that those who still loved ‘The X Factor’ (young record buyers) loved it more than ever – and were happy to part with their cash to prove it.

Arthur was the undisputed sales champ of 2012’s Yuletide, even though he didn’t capture the actual Christmas number one spot. With Cowell’s team suspiciously graciously moving their TV final to a couple of weekends before the big day, it allowed charity record ‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother’ by The Justice Collective to officially nab that title. The cause – raising money for various charities associated with The Hillsborough Disaster – was a noble one, but with virtually no airplay and a descent from the chart speedier than Jamie Carragher in his Range Rover, this was no festive classic. The biggest, proper Christmas song was sitting at No.12 in the festive chart – the twenty-five year old ‘Fairytale of New York’ by The Pogues and Kirsty McColl (you’ve probably heard it).

Festive albums, on the other hand, still proved popular. Sales-wise, Michael Bublé’s festive long player was back outselling everyone else, whilst for fans of more unexpected Christmas collections there were Tracy Thorn’s haunting ‘Tinsel & Lights’, CeeLo Green’s brassy ‘Magic Moments’ (featuring a duet with The Muppets, obvs) and the reteaming of John Travolta with Olivia Newton-John on ‘This Christmas’. None of the last three albums especially bothered the charts, nor were they all chock full of brand new seasonal songs (although Tracy at least covered Jack White and Sufjan Stevens rather than Bing Crosby and Nat ‘King’ Cole). Each, however, was full of personality and vigour – even if the Grease duo’s album cover was a scary warning to us all about the perils of plastic surgery.

Artist such as Adele, One Direction and Ed Sheeran helped UK acts gain 13.3% of worldwide sales in 2012, up from 12.6% the previous year. None, however, wanted to record a Christmas single. The usual over reliance on the old tunes even prompted Radio 1 DJ Scott Mills to attempt a new Yule classic, a track that sounded comfortingly traditional at the same time as finally giving us something fresh to get festive to. Composed with cabaret duo Frisky & Mannish and entitled ‘The Perfect Christmas Single’ (punning on the idea of being without a partner during the holiday season) it’s a jokey yet surprisingly uplifting track. The line ‘You’re frankin-sensational …’ is, let’s be honest, just plain brilliant. It might not have changed the national mood in the way that Shaky or Noddy did but at least they had a go.

I’m writing this in September and can only hope that by the time of your reading, a brand stonking new Christmas single will be taking the country by storm, just like the old times. Promised new festive albums by the likes of Kelly Clarkson, Erasure and the cast of Pitch Perfect definitely have the potential to help us with the cause, surely being as camp and cosy as many want their Christmas tunes to be. Something new on the radio in December is certainly all I want for Christmas this year.

INTRODUCTION: SAINTS AND SINGERS (#ulink_60f78db1-fbb9-52c9-880c-a9c31eba7620)

Greccio, central Italy, early 13

Century (stick with me)

Giovanni Francesco di Bernardone: son of a wealthy cloth merchant, former soldier, inveterate traveller, and a rebel with a vision. His faith has been with him a long time, inspiring him to give up his worldly goods and live as Jesus lived: a peasant. His drive to make Christianity more approachable, to take it away from the excesses and complexities of the bosses in Rome, has pushed him even further. His goal? To reclaim the most important moment in the history of his religion – the Nativity. For di Bernardone, the Nativity is not just something to be debated by straight-faced scholars in the hallways of the Vatican: it is a joyful, living, breathing event. An event for everyone.

And so, in a humble cave in the hilly Greccio countryside, di Bernardone plans to recreate the famous Nativity story for all to see. Featuring a real baby in a manger and actual animals asleep on the hay, the Nativity narrative will become tangible. And with this scene as a backdrop, Giovanni can preach his radical message to the candle-bearing crowds that have come up from the town. There, in front of their eyes, he will turn the biblical words of Matthew and Luke into reality.

But how to express this celebration? Monotonous hymns versed in Latin – a language few real people use – hardly seems right. Where would the fun be in that? But if he could translate those passionate, spiritual words into an everyday language, and then set them to a joyous tune (perhaps something in the choraula tradition that the pagans so loved to dance to)? Well, then the simple pleasures of Christianity could be made so much more down-to-earth and comprehensible. Everyone could have a good old sing-along.

So that’s exactly what di Bernardone did.

And by successfully dragging Christianity down from its ivory tower and giving it back to the masses, this man, who would soon be known as St Francis of Assisi, helped lay the foundations of the modern Christmas. He was a truly groundbreaking music star.

Fast-forward 800 years and the bad acting and forgotten lines of primary school Nativity plays are, in their own special way, and without even realising, paying homage to di Bernardone’s demonstration. As, of course, are Christmas singles.

So, whilst we might remember St Francis as a safe, traditional icon of a quieter age, in reality this was a guy who blew people’s minds with his new festive ideas.

We could sure do with another St Francis right now.