скачать книгу бесплатно
That’s when Leila’s nightmares had really begun. Now, she wasn’t able to think beyond the tragedy her friend had suffered. She had lost confidence that she’d be stronger than the disease.
Her inner turmoil turned into a living breathing hell, for though she still longed to have Rafael’s child grow inside her, she couldn’t – wouldn’t – commit to having a child only to lose it. She suffered this devastation already and it had changed her. But how would Rafael, who wanted a family so desperately, bear it?
Guilt over keeping her terror and her past pregnancy from Rafael roiled in her until her fear became a dragon she didn’t know how to slay.
How would he react when he learned she’d kept so much from him?
Not well, she feared.
At the time of her miscarriage he’d been away on some excursion in Brazil, and she knew she couldn’t tell him such news over the phone. She could have told him when he returned, in between a break in her hectic schedule, but she’d been so devastated still, so terribly shocked, that she’d been unable to find the words. All too soon too much time had passed. Now?
Leila had no idea how to even begin to tell her husband what had happened! And the timing was once again all wrong.
Leila pushed past his finely honed form and hurried into her bedroom. She simply couldn’t deal with it right now, not when her emotions were strained from the flight. Not when she wanted time alone with Rafael first before she voiced the truth that she knew could drive him from her.
She hated that. Hated the distancing between them this past year. But she feared getting close to him again as well. Feared losing control of her body.
And yet that’s what her fear was doing now – taking control over her life, her plans, and destroying her dreams.
But how could she risk a repeat of the hell she’d gone through last year? She didn’t know, and the uncertainty and fear were eating her alive.
She looked around the room wildly, desperate to regain control of her rioting emotions. Her gaze latched on to the rolling wardrobe clothes rack.
“Is something wrong, querida?” Rafael asked, his deep voice freezing her in place for a heartbeat.
Tell him. Blurt it all out!
She ached to turn around and run her hands over his strong muscular chest. Wrap her arms around him and hold him tight. Beg him to forgive her for holding the truth from him.
Leila desperately wanted to hold on to the only man she’d ever loved and savor the moment, for that’s all they’d had in a year. Moments.
She’d wanted so much more. She wanted the early days of her marriage back. Wanted the tragedy of her miscarriage forgotten. Wanted to believe that she could bear his child without the mind-numbing fear, that she could be stronger than the disease that had nearly killed her as a teenager. That had killed her friend.
But she couldn’t. Not now. Not before the premiere of the film he’d devoted so much to. Not when the truth could drive an even deeper wedge between them.
“I have to make sure everything I need is here.”
She moved to the rack, desperately pushing those dark thoughts from her mind.
“Then I will leave you to your unpacking and make a few calls. The premier is at eight, two hours from now.”
“I’ll have just enough time to get ready.”
Without his interference. Without him being so close she could pull him to her, hold him, kiss him.
She’d never intended to keep her miscarriage a secret from him, but her fears had sunk deep roots in her. Her only escape had been her career. It had become her anchor with a new twist. She’d developed a compulsive ritual to oversee her wardrobe, and to coordinate each shoot with the photographer beforehand.
She’d gotten to the point now where she would only work with a handful of noted photographers because they understood her process and brought the best out in her.
But her acclaimed status and demands had come at a price as well, for a few other, less experienced photographers had labeled her a control freak.
She frowned at that fault now, knowing on some level it was true. She tore into the array of garments her agency had provided and nearly an hour passed as she lost herself in the preparations, gaining control of her life and her fear again.
It wasn’t easy being at the top of her game. There was no time to sit back on her laurels and savor her position at the top, for there was always a new breed of models eager to knock her off her pedestal.
Time would do that all on its own, of course, as the opportunity for aging models was few and far between. And a model close to thirty was already considered beyond her peak years.
Right now it was crucial that Leila remained focused on her career, and she desperately needed this last campaign to excel. The endowment she would establish off this shoot alone would provide more funding for her clinic for girls battling anorexia and bulimia. So far it had been running on faith and charity. She’d depleted her own funds to shore up their own, but she knew she couldn’t keep doing that, knew she needed to do more.
So it was imperative that she let nothing interfere with the networking she must do here at the film festival to secure her clinic. But try as she might she couldn’t stop thinking about Rafael.
She couldn’t wait to be alone with him, to make love with him, for in his arms the world and its worries faded away.
Leila strode to the closet to hang her personal wardrobe and threw open the doors. And blinked not once but twice. It’d been too long since her things had been next to his. Too long since they’d shared more than a night or two together.
Several masculine suits hung on the rod. Men’s fine leather shoes rested on the closet floor in front of a large wheeled case.
A smile curved her lips as she reached out to stroke the woolen sleeve on a charcoal designer suit jacket. When they’d met, he’d barely been able to afford an off-the-rack suit. Now he wore only ones custom-made to fit his long legs, trim hips and broad shoulders.
“Do they meet with your approval?” he asked, his deep rich voice vibrating along her nerves in a delicious hum.
She turned to him with a smile and felt her heart swell with love. With pride, for he’d come from nothing and worked hard to become one of the wealthiest men in the world.
“Yes, I’m impressed by the quality of the cloth and the cut. But then you won me over years ago wearing just faded jeans and a stark-white jersey that hugged your chest—” she paused, striding to him on legs that oddly trembled “—as I long to do now.”
A deep growl of pleasure rumbled from his chest as she glided her palms over his honed muscles. “This past year that we’ve spent apart has nearly killed me.”
“Me too,” she said, her guilt once more threatening to steal the joy she felt at being in his arms.
Rafael was such a handsome man. So strong inside. So giving to her. So good.
Yet the core of steel within him could be unbendable as well. He was a proud man, slow to trust. And she’d betrayed that bond. Would he be forgiving when she confessed her lie?
“Why the sad look, querida?”
She took a breath and debated telling him now. Blurting it out in a rush, then suffering his anger in silence throughout tonight’s premiere. No, it would ruin this night for him and he had worked so hard to get to this point in his career.
That smacked of being selfish, and of all her faults, she wasn’t that. Nothing could be gained from telling him now.
She’d waited this long to purge her soul. She could wait another day or so until the time was right. Until she’d enjoyed the pleasure of being Rafael’s wife and lover without any arguments or hurt feelings between them.
“I was just thinking how nice this would be if we didn’t have so many obligations this week,” she said.
He shrugged. “Say the word and we’ll leave here, go somewhere more private. Just us two.”
“So tempting, but you know I can’t do that. We can’t do that.”
“When did our careers become more important than our marriage?” he asked.
“It never has been,” she protested.
One dark brow arched up. “Hasn’t it? In the past year we’ve only managed to be together once, and that was far too brief.”
“I know, but we are both at crucial points in our careers,” she said. “To have shirked our responsibilities and commitments would have had adverse effects we might never have recovered from.”
Especially for her as a model. Right now it was crucial she kept her name out there. That she stayed on top, for that brought in the big money that enabled her to help others. It gave her purpose and pride to have succeeded so well at something. It gave her control.
But she admitted with a heavy heart that she’d also avoided any kind of close encounter with Rafael after the miscarriage. It had been wrong of her, but she had needed to protect herself. Ah, maybe she was selfish.
What else could explain why she’d done that to the one person she trusted implicitly? Fear, that’s what. Losing their baby had been the first tragedy she’d suffered since her recovery from anorexia and it had almost destroyed her.
She had learned a painful lesson. That while she adored Rafael, deep inside was that fear of losing herself if she ever totally put her life in another person’s hands again. She had to guard herself closely, for it would be easy to let one compulsion morph into another. For her to slip back to the destructive ways of her teen years.
“I think there is more bothering you than weariness,” Rafael said, snapping her attention wholly back to him again.
And my God, but this man knew how to probe one’s soul with one long scorching look.
She lifted her gaze just enough to break the magnetic pull that was drawing her closer to him. “I’ve been on a grueling pace for the past six months. Rest is a luxury I haven’t afforded myself.”
His dark eyes narrowed, assessing, as if gauging whether to believe her. “Then I insist you enjoy a good night’s sleep tonight.”
As if she’d be able to do that knowing she had only to reach over to touch him! To slip her arms around that magnificent specimen of masculinity and claim him as her own. That all she had to whisper was I want you and they’d both be lost in a passion so deep and so consuming that nothing or no one else would matter.
“You won’t get any argument from me,” she said, but doubted sleep would come easily for either of them.
Showered, coiffed and makeup carefully applied, Leila slipped into the vibrant blue designer gown that had been provided for tonight’s premiere of Bare Souls. The skirt was sleek and straight with a side slit to allow ease in walking.
The strapless bodice hugged her middle and flared upward like flower petals to cover her breasts. She had just the right amount of faux tan to complement her natural golden coloring and make her skin glow with this electric shade of blue.
Fiery blue diamond studs sparkled at her ears and a matching pendant with a larger diamond would soon hang from a fine golden chain around her neck. She’d slipped a companion dinner ring on her right hand – all had been birthday gifts from Rafael that had stunned and surprised her.
But she still wore her simple wedding set on her left hand, and the tiny diamond solitaire and smaller stones in the wedding band winked back at her as if in approval. For years Rafael had insisted on replacing this set with a more lavish one, but she’d told him flat out she didn’t want to exchange these for new opulent ones.
These rings meant the world to her for they were the first pieces of jewelry Rafael had given her. These were the rings he’d slipped on her finger – the solitaire when he’d gotten down on one knee and proposed, and the delicate wedding ring when they’d stood before the priest and exchanged their vows.
She hadn’t known it was inscribed with meu coraçâo until later when her mother had asked to see them up close and she’d reluctantly demurred removing it, the action seeming wrong to her newlywed status. Her pompous mother had scoffed at both the cheap set and the inscription.
But Leila’s heart had melted to know he’d done this, for while Rafael was passionate, he wasn’t prone to flowery words. She could still count the times he’d told her he loved her.
It was enough, for she believed they’d had a strong marriage based on love. They’d had ordinary dreams of a home and family.
Ah, but neither of their lives had been average. She’d attained great heights with her career again. And with new demands and opportunities came huge rewards.
As for Rafael …
The boy born outside the privilege denied him reached success that trumped her own. That made her achievements pale in comparison.
In short, Rafael was a force to be reckoned with in the business world. More so now.
He’d changed the past year. He now had a ruthless edge that had only been hinted at before. An edge to him that she wasn’t quite sure how to deal with.
Could they regain what they’d once had? Did he even want the same things anymore? Would he still want her when he learned what had happened?
For the first time in her marriage, Leila felt suddenly unsure of her place in Rafael’s life. If he didn’t want her anymore, if he tossed her aside, she didn’t know if she could find the strength to go on. And yet she’d already suffered with worse. Hadn’t she?
One sharp rap came at the door. She whirled to face it and froze, still caught up in the old pain and guilt, caught in that very human urge of fight or flight. Before she could move beyond the fear that was crippling her, the door swung open.
Rafael filled the opening, resplendent in black tie, his tux fitting his broad shoulders, muscled torso and long strong legs to perfection. He was, in essence, the embodiment of sexual charm and masculine charisma.
If she’d been startled when she’d stepped from her shower earlier to find him waiting to do the same, she was thunderstruck now. He could have joined her under the warm spray and she wouldn’t have protested! God knew he had done the same many times before.
So why hadn’t he done so this time? Why hadn’t he pulled her back into the enclosure and made love with her?
Leila had gripped the counter to steady herself as a wave of hot desire had washed over her. He was simply beautiful. Well toned. Tanned. And aroused.
There’d been no mistaking that part of him.
Yet moments later as he’d stepped from the shower gloriously naked and padded into the bedroom, he’d not spared her a glance. She’d wanted to follow. Wanted to run her hands over his body, wanted to kiss him, taste all of him. She’d wanted to ease his need and hers as well, for in his arms she felt whole. Safe. Loved.
“God help us both,” she’d muttered to herself, and had set to work finishing her hair and makeup. By the time she’d entered the bedroom, he’d been gone.
But now he was back. Tall. Solemn. Sexy as hell.
His dark gaze licked over her, slowly, exacting, a visual caress that left her trembling with need again. Finally, those dark magnetic eyes lifted to hers.
She saw appreciation there and some other emotion that defied explanation. It was a look she’d never seen before, there and gone in a blink. Yet it fed her earlier unease just the same, allowed it to gain a foothold. To grow into another obstacle she didn’t need or want.
“We need to leave in five minutes,” he said, his voice calm, steady, when her emotions felt as if they were bouncing off the walls.
She swallowed the sudden dryness in her throat and nodded, realizing she still held the blue diamond pendant in her hand. “I’m ready except for my shoes and this stubborn necklace. I can’t manage the clasp.”
His brows tugged into a disagreeable line for a heartbeat, then quickly smoothed again. “Maybe I can help.”
He pushed from the doorway and came toward her, long legs moving with masculine grace. A predator tracking his quarry.
And she certainly felt trapped, for the guilt of withholding the truth from him was ballooning within her.
A shiver rocketed through her as he took the necklace from her and studied the clasp. Yet a smile touched her mouth as she watched him, knowing that rapier-quick mind of his was likely already designing a better clasp for the necklace, one that was user-friendly.
An odd heaviness expanded in her as Rafael fitted the necklace around her neck and managed the clasp with surprising ease. If only he could do the same for her health issues. But she’d seen a specialist, and the doctor hadn’t been able to assure her that she wouldn’t suffer another miscarriage.
The blue diamond pendant felt heavy and cold resting between her breasts. Not so for his hands that felt hot and possessive as he briefly skimmed her bare shoulders.
“You look stunning,” he said.
“Thank you. So do you,” she said, pulling away from him as smoothly as she could so it didn’t look as if she was running from him. “You’ll clearly attract the eye of every woman here tonight.”
He laughed, a rich sound she hadn’t heard in far too long. And even that did odd things to her insides.
