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“Play it again.”
“Chris—”
“Play it again.”
“This is torture—”
“Play it again.”
I did. I sounded a bit better and Chris gave me a compliment to that effect. “Can I please stop now?” I asked.
Chris got up from the couch, took the violin.
“It’s a beautiful-sounding instrument,” I said. “I wish I could do it more justice. Why don’t you play the piece?”
He shrugged, tucked the violin under his chin, and came up with a concerto that was note-perfect as well as sound-perfect. I told him I hated him.
He smiled, put the violin away, then patted his jacket pockets. “Where’d I put … ah, here we go.” He pulled out a small wrapped package. “Maybe this’ll make you hate me less.” He handed it to me.
I looked at it, then at him.
“For me?”
“Yes, for you. Open it.”
I ripped open the paper. The box held a set of pearl studs for pierced ears. My eyes went from him, to the earrings, then back to him. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Thank you is fine. Try them on.”
I replaced my gold hoops with milk-white orbs. “How do they look?”
“They look beautiful. Rather, you look beautiful in them.”
“I don’t understand …” I lowered my eyes, then raised them to his face.
“What can I say, Terry?” Chris spoke softly. “You know I’m engaged to someone else. But the heart has a mind of its own.” He walked over to me and slipped his arms around my waist. “Do you love me, Terry?”
Without hesitation, I told him I did.
“I love you, too. So now what do we do?”
I leaned against his breast, soothed by his heartbeat. “I don’t know.”
He said, “Usually, when two people love each other, they express their love in intimate ways. But I can’t ask you to sleep with me. Because I’m going to marry someone else.”
“Do you want me to tell you that it’s okay?”
He held me tightly. “Is it okay?”
I didn’t answer him. He said, “Since we last saw each other, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. And that’s saying a lot. Because I’m usually very good at compartmentalizing. I don’t want to sleep with you because it will hurt you in the end. But there are other ways we can be intimate with each other.”
I lifted my head and met his eyes. He read my confusion.
“Let me draw you,” he said. “Completely.”
Completely. As in the nude. My heart started racing. I closed my eyes and buried myself in his embrace.
“Look at me, Terry,” he said. “Do you trust me?”
I opened my eyes but said nothing.
“Do you?” he repeated.
I smiled weakly. He picked up my hands and kissed my fingers. “Terry, I know what they’ve taught you, so I know what you’re feeling.” He placed my hand on his cheek. “Embarrassment, shame—”
“I’m not that pious anymore, Chris.” I pulled my hand away. “I haven’t been to confession in over six months.”
“But the crap’s still there, right?”
“It’s not crap.”
He waited. When I remained silent, he drew me close and said, “You know the Italians have it over the Irish in their Catholicism. I mean the guilt’s still there in the Italians, but they’re more … flexible. God, even my aunt Donna, who was an old, old-fashioned Catholic woman, could look the other way. She once caught me drawing these pictures.”
He smiled at the memory.
“Real explicit pictures … of guys and girls … Anyway, I was thirteen and suicidal over my mother’s death. What else was I supposed to do?”
I hugged him hard.
Chris said, “The lady was smart. Know what she did?”
“What?”
“She took me to the Met. The art museum, not the opera house. We covered the place from top to bottom in a week. Mostly we concentrated on the religious art … lots of nudes in religious art, believe it or not.”
I nodded.
Chris whispered, “Terry, it changed my whole … image of what a human body was. From something hidden and shameful to something incredibly beautiful. My body is beautiful. Your body is beautiful. And I want it.”
I didn’t respond.
“Look, I’ll take you through it step by step. Anytime you want to stop, just cut the phone wires. I swear I’ll stop. Please do it for me.”
I bit my lip. “I’d do anything for you.”
Chris traced my profile with his left index finger—a preamble to his sketching. “I know what you’re giving me. Thank you for trusting me. I promise I won’t let you down.” He broke away and looked around the room. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Light’s probably better in here with the spots and all.” He faced me. “But I’d rather draw you in the bedroom. More personal that way.”
He took my hand and led me into his sleeping quarters. It also had a city-lights view and lots of built-in cabinets. Not a thing or an item appeared out of place. Not surprising. Because Chris was compulsive.
He hung up his jacket in his closet and pointed to his king-sized bed covered with a black quilt. “Just sit there for a moment. The cover will make a perfect backdrop. I want to get some auxiliary light.”
“Are you going to take photographs?” I asked.
“Nope. Just me and my charcoals.”
“What are you going to do with them?”
“The sketches?” Chris broke a smile. “Ah, little girl, what you don’t know. I’m going to look at them whenever I’m alone and lonely … which is often. Rest of the time they’ll be locked up and stowed away. I swear they’re for my eyes only. I’ll be back.”
He came back a minute later toting lamps, an easel filled with paper, art supplies, and a bottle of Chivas. He set his equipment down on the floor and poured himself another drink. “Will Jean have a fit if you’re not home by a certain hour?”
“No,” I said. “My parents are out for the evening. Melissa’s sleeping over at a friend’s house. You can take your time.”
“Good.” He took about a half hour to set up. “Would you like some music before we start?”
“That’d be nice.”
Chris opened a drawer and pulled out a CD cartridge. “Let’s see what I’ve got loaded—Pearl Jam, Spin Doctors, Metallica, Crash Test Dummies, Greenday, Eric Johnson, Joe Satriani, Nicholas Gage, Yo Yo Ma, Jacqueline DuPres, Vivaldi’s Four Seasons …” He looked up. “That’s nice and light. How about that?”
I nodded. He put on the music and told me to move to the middle of the bed.
“Keep your clothes on for now. Just sit there like you’re doing, Terry. With your knees pressed to your chest and your shoulders hunched over like that. But keep your head up and look at me … to the left … perfect. Hold that position, all right?”
This was easy enough. He studied me, then started making swipes at his easel.
“Can I talk while you draw me?” I asked.
“Absolutely.” He looked at me, then back at his paper. “Say whatever’s on your mind.”
“Did you see Lorraine while you were back east?”
Preoccupied, he didn’t answer. He flipped over his preliminary sketch and started anew. “Yes, I saw Lorraine.”
“Were you on good terms with her?” I asked.
“Good terms?” He squinted at the paper. “Are you asking if I slept with her? Yes, I slept with her.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Look at me, Terry.”
I did.
“Ah, such anguish in those beautiful eyes.” Chris started on a fresh piece of paper. “I did it because it was expected. Closed my eyes and imagined you. She means nothing to me. I’m not marrying Lorraine, I’m marrying her family. My uncle arranged the whole thing when I was fourteen.” His eyes went from me to his drawing. “Believe me, I’d get out of it if I could. But you don’t mess with my uncle without good reason.”
“But you don’t love her.”
“That’s not a good reason.” He stood back and studied his work. “It’s chilly in here. I’m going to turn up the heat. Give you a chance to strip down to your bra and panties without me staring at you. And sit in the same position. If your feet are cold, leave your socks on.”
He disappeared. Slowly I took off my sweater, jeans, and shoes. Barely clad, I rubbed my arms and shivered. When he came back in, he glanced at me, saw me shaking. Keeping his eyes averted, he draped a comforter over my shoulders.
I know what they’ve taught you so I know what you’re feeling.
He knew exactly what I was feeling. Doing everything he could to make it easy on me, to make me feel beautiful. All the guilt, the shame … he was right. It was crap. I had to get past it. I couldn’t live with myself if I let him down.
“You can take the cover off whenever you want to.” Chris rubbed his hands and reviewed his pictures.
“Can I see?”
“When we’re done.”
I slowly let the comforter drop from my torso until it rested over my legs.
Chris took in my bare shoulders with his eyes. “Nice.” He began a new sketch. “That’s real nice. Look up, Ter.”
I raised my head. There was nothing lecherous in his eyes and that made me feel good. I said, “Why isn’t ‘you don’t love her’ a good reason?”
He started shading with his thumb. “You ever hear of Joseph Donatti?”
I scrunched up my forehead trying to attach the familiar name with an event.
“His murder trial made the national papers about four years back.” Chris’s fingers were black. “Before that, he’d been arrested for racketeering, extortion, bribery … uh, pandering and pushing … money laundering. Nothing ever stuck. Evidence got lost.”
I stared at him, openmouthed.
“He was acquitted in his murder trial, by the way. Witnesses either changed their stories or mysteriously disappeared.”
I remained silent, wondering if he was putting me on.
Chris spit into his hand, rubbed his palms together, and began working the moisture into the paper. “My uncle’s mob, Terry. And I don’t mean small-time hoods who’re cute movie characters. I mean real mob. Lorraine is a daughter of the mob. She’s from a rival family. Our engagement has bought both families a truce and lots of money. If you’re warm enough now, toss the comforter on the floor.”
Mechanically, I did what he asked. I was still dumbfounded by his recitation. It was his demeanor—as casual as an afternoon sail.
Flipping over his sketch, Chris attacked the clean paper with renewed vigor. “I want you to know that I have nothing to do with my uncle’s activities. All I want is a nice, quiet life as a classical cellist. Unfortunately, what I am is a pawn in a wargame played by two dangerous men. I screw with this engagement, heads’ll roll. Namely my own.”
I stammered out, “Your uncle would … kill you?”
Chris continued drawing. “Nah, you’re right. He wouldn’t kill me.” His eyes bored into mine. “I wouldn’t be the problem.”
Slowly, my brain absorbed his words. I felt myself go light-headed. Chris stopped drawing, placed the comforter over my shaking body, and stuck Scotch in my face. “Drink.”
“I don’t want—”
“Drink!”
I took a sip and immediately started coughing. He patted my back. “Take another sip.”
“It makes me sick—”
