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‘Why?’
‘What?’
‘Why do you want things back how they were?’ she asked. ‘It should be an easy question.’
‘I don’t know,’ I confessed, busying myself by peeling the label from the wine bottle. ‘This wasn’t my idea. Leave me alone, I’m sad.’
‘Your idea or not, someone needs to set some boundaries before this gets messy,’ she said in the nicest voice she could manage. ‘And that should be you. He doesn’t get to dictate this entire situation, Liv, even if you are going to be back together tomorrow. You need to think about you a little bit. First he decided you were going to get engaged; now he’s decided he wants a break. You need to know what you want.’
‘I want to know what you want,’ I said, nudging her in the shoulder and taking a sip.
‘For you to be happy,’ she replied. ‘And for Mini Eggs to be available all year round.’
‘I don’t want to break up with him,’ I said, slowly pulling on the label, trying to move it in one piece. Life without Adam didn’t seem like an actual possible thing. ‘I can’t even process the thought of it. If he says he needs space, I should just give him space. This seems like a classic rubber band situation to me, don’t you think?’
‘You know I won’t answer that,’ Abi replied, cursing our best friend’s name as the wine bottle label ripped in two. ‘One, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a shit present, and two, it’s full of shit advice. Cassie should be shot for giving it to you in the first place.’
‘Sorry, it was Chris.’ Cass bounced back into the booth and grabbed her glass. I shuffled around, glad of her interruption. ‘Gus was crying but he was just hungry. I’m going to head back soon, I don’t like leaving him alone for too long.’
‘Chris or the baby?’ I asked Cass.
‘Liv, don’t be mean,’ Abi admonished. ‘Surely you don’t expect Chris, a grown man, to be able to take care of his own child for more than forty-five minutes at a time?’
‘It’s not the same as asking him to record Gogglebox,’ Cass replied tartly. ‘Gus gets fussy when I’m not there at night. Sometimes he won’t settle.’
‘Chris or the baby?’ I asked Abi.
‘We should meet at mine some time,’ she said, throwing cardboard coasters in our general direction. ‘Then I won’t have to run off so early. Plus, we’ve got much better wine. You two have to come over more often, Gus barely even knows his Aunt Abi.’
‘He doesn’t know anyone, Cass, he’s five months old.’ Abi swirled her wine, coating her glass and taking a sniff. ‘And I’ve Stockholm Syndrome’d myself on this wine. Whenever I drink wine anywhere else, my brain doesn’t recognize it as the same substance.’
‘That would be because all other wine is good,’ Cass explained. ‘And this is very bad.’
‘Cass only drinks the finest wines, these day,’ I explained, ignoring the look on her face and topping off her glass. ‘Cass married up.’
No one was going to say it but our weekly meet-ups had been much more like monthly meet-ups over the last year or so. I understood sitting around a dank old pub was hardly the most alluring idea to a pregnant woman but Cass had started making her excuses well before Gus was so much as a twinkle in Chris’s eye and I hadn’t realized how long it had been since we were all in the same place until I really needed to be there. I glanced over at Abi and wondered how many times I’d cancelled on her to hang out with Adam instead.
‘If you didn’t want me to marry your boyfriend’s brother, you shouldn’t have introduced me to him,’ she said, knocking back her drink and sticking out her tongue. ‘It’s your fault.’
‘It’s true,’ Abi agreed. ‘You should have introduced him to me first so I could bone him then never speak to him again. I’m much better at alienating the opposite sex than Cass.’
‘You just haven’t met the right man,’ Cass said, making me splutter into my wine glass. Having a baby had made her brave. ‘You work too hard and you don’t give relationships a chance.’
‘You’re so right,’ Abi framed her face with her hands and blinked her big, anime eyes. ‘Teach me everything you know, oh wise married one, help me be like you.’
‘I’m going home,’ Cass said, ignoring our loud, squawking pleas for her to stay. ‘I know, it’s early but I’m knackered and I want to put Gus to bed. You should think yourself lucky I’m here at all. If my grandmother had her way, I’d still be housebound. She thinks I bring evil spirits back into the house every time I go outside.’
‘That’s not a very nice way to describe me and Liv,’ Abi said, shaking her head.
‘Isn’t your nan from Reading?’ I asked, slapping Abi’s leg.
‘She’s being ridiculous,’ Cass nodded, opening a text and smiling to herself before showing the two of us. It was a photo of Gus and Chris in the bath and the bubbles weren’t covering nearly as much as I would like. ‘Mum said she wasn’t like this at all when I was born but she’s gone crazy with all the old Chinese traditions this time. She doesn’t even like Chris holding him. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to get out of bed for the first month at all.’
‘Can I stay in bed for a month if I have a baby with a Chinese father?’ Abi suddenly perked up while I made the expected cooing noises. Gus was a cute baby, if you were into babies. ‘Do you have any single cousins? Uncles? Would your mum lend me your dad for an hour or so?’
Ignoring Abi, Cass gave me a hug before shuffling out of the booth.
‘Don’t get too upset about this, Livvy, it’s going to be fine,’ she promised. ‘Let Adam have his mad half hour and I bet you anything, you’ll be back together with a ring on your finger before the end of the year.’
‘Maybe,’ I said, scratching at an indeterminate green stain on the hem of my shirt. Hmm. Gross. ‘But do me a favour? Please don’t go home and tell Chris everything we just talked about? It’s not like I don’t appreciate you trying to help but I don’t want him reporting back to Adam.’
‘I won’t say a word,’ she said, a look of surprise on her face. ‘You know I wouldn’t.’
‘Because you’ve done such a good job of keeping secrets so far?’ Abi pointed out. ‘You’re the one who told Liv about the ring, you’re the one who told her he was going to propose in Mexico, and all you’ve done tonight is spill what Adam has told Chris about this situation.’
‘Sisters before misters.’ Cass brushed off the indisputable accusations and rolled her eyes. ‘I tell you what he says but I don’t tell him what you say. Promise you won’t sit here all night and get upset.’
‘Brownie guide promise,’ I said, holding up three fingers.
‘Wrong hand,’ Abi whispered.
‘Whatever,’ I muttered, burying my face in my wine glass. ‘Bye, Cass.’
‘Bye Cass,’ Abi said, stretching out for her own hug. ‘Say hello to Chris for me.’
No matter how much they bickered, they loved each other really.
‘I honestly don’t know what to believe,’ I said as the door swung shut on Cass and Abi poured the remnants of her wine into my glass. ‘Chris is such an arse to Adam most of the time. Why would he pour his heart out to him?’
‘Because he’s his brother,’ Abi replied. ‘You’re an only child, chick, you don’t get it. You hate each other one day, you’re giving them a kidney the next.’
‘You gave your brother a kidney?’
‘Clearly not,’ she said, patting me on the top of the head. ‘I was making a point. I just mean, that’s how it is with siblings.’
‘Yeah, maybe,’ I poked my finger through a tiny hole in the velvet seat covering. This place really was starting to look tired. ‘Chris is always such a bully, always making fun of Adam for leaving law school then going on about how well his own company is doing.’
‘Probably just insecure,’ Abi rationalized. ‘Does Adam have a bigger dong?’
‘I really haven’t thought about it.’ I washed away the very thought of Chris’s penis with a mouthful of wine. ‘Adam’s taller, he’s definitely better looking and he’s a hundred per cent cleverer. I don’t know what Cass was thinking, I really don’t.’
‘She was thinking she’d marry a rich dude and get her parents off her back,’ she replied. ‘Let’s be honest about it, all Cass ever wanted was to get married, have a kid and not worry about anything else, ever again. Now she’s got that, so good for her.’
I pushed my finger all the way inside the seat until the tiny hole wasn’t so tiny any more.
‘Bit harsh,’ I said. Abi’s expression suggested she stood by her assessment. ‘Cass is more old-fashioned than we are. She does love him, I think. And he definitely loves her.’
Abi picked up the second bottle of wine and refilled her glass. Abi had an iron constitution, nothing could put her down, but I was a complete lightweight. One very full glass in and I was already light-headed. I held my hand over my glass before she could give me a refill.
‘I can’t,’ I said sadly. There was nothing I would have liked more than to fall into a white wine coma as soon as I got home. ‘Tomorrow is spay and neuter day, probably shouldn’t have a hangover because I’m going to end up doing all the surgeries. Dad’s been really off it lately.’
‘Is he OK?’ Abi asked. ‘I can’t believe he’s going to be sixty-five, it doesn’t seem like two minutes since his fiftieth birthday.’
‘I think he’s OK,’ I nodded, without wondering whether or not it was true. I had too much else on my mind to spare any space for my dad’s commitment to the surgery, or lack thereof. ‘He hasn’t been around much but that suits me. I deal with the patients and he deals with the paperwork. I’d rather not see him while I’m upset, though. You know how my parents are.’
‘There has to be a happy medium between your family’s stiff upper lip and Cassie’s self-help library,’ she replied. ‘You know, like me!’
‘I don’t know how the human race has survived this long,’ I said, clinking my glass against hers. ‘Relationships are so difficult. It’s a miracle that both mine and Adam’s parents are still together. You’d think that would be enough for him to seal the deal – who has two sets of parents who are still together in one relationship these days?’
‘Did I tell you my dad’s on about going off travelling again? Without Karen?’ she asked with a pinched expression.
‘Is this divorce number three?’
‘Four.’ She paused as Bill Stockton walked past, throwing a wink in her direction. ‘You’re probably forgetting Lisa. A bit like he did.’
I watched Bill cross the bar and take a seat with his friends. He looked back at Abi and then quickly shifted his gaze to somewhere vaguely over our heads when he realized I was watching.
‘Um, what’s going on with you and Bill?’ I asked, looking back at my friend to see her almost as red-faced as he was. ‘Is there something you want to tell me?’
‘No,’ she said quickly. ‘There’s nothing I want to tell you.’
We lived in a small village, not as small as it used to be but if you wanted to actually leave your house of an evening, there weren’t very many options. We had one supermarket, one chip shop-slash-greasy spoon and two pubs, meaning it was more or less impossible to keep any kind of secret here for more than fifteen minutes. Abi and Bill had been a thing when we were in the sixth form for almost a year but then Bill got off with Caroline Higgins round the back of the sports centre and Abi vowed never to talk to him again. As far as I knew, she had stayed true to her word for the last thirteen years but from the looks on both of their faces, they’d done more than talk to each other while I was away.
‘When there’s something to tell you, I’ll tell you,’ Abi informed me. I picked up my wine, unable to keep the smile from my face but didn’t push it any further. There was no point trying with Abs, she’d tell when she was ready. ‘Promise me you’ll think about what you want out of this break, not just sit around waiting for Adam to make his mind up.’
‘I promise,’ I declared, giving the Brownie salute another go. ‘I will.’
‘That’s still the wrong hand,’ Abi sighed. ‘I’m glad you’re not operating on my dog tomorrow.’
Two hours later I hung my keys on the hook at the bottom of the stairs and collapsed onto my settee. A three-legged tortoiseshell cat unfurled himself from the armchair by the window and meowed loudly.
‘Hello, Daniel Craig,’ I said, reaching down to scratch underneath his chin before he leapt up onto my stomach, his little paws digging into my boobs as he walked up and down my torso, trying to decide where he wanted to settle.
‘It’s nice to be missed,’ I muttered, pulling my phone out of my coat pocket. I should have taken it off before I lay down, I realized, as Daniel made himself comfortable, right on top of my bladder. I should have gone to the loo as well.
It felt so strange to be ending the day without Adam around. If I spent the night in my flat, it was usually because I’d worked so late I was so tired, I passed out the instant I walked through the door. Now I was here because here was the only place I had to be. It felt so wrong. I wanted to collapse on the sofa with my head in his lap while he stroked my hair and we told each other tales of our day. I wanted to turn down his offer of a glass of wine or a chocolate biscuit only for him to bring it anyway and tell me we deserved it because we worked so hard, even if we hadn’t worked that hard at all. I wanted to hear him, to touch him, to make him laugh. Not knowing when I would see him again made things even worse, I was trapped, slightly tipsy, in relationship limbo – was there a worse place to be?
‘Do you think your dad misses me?’ I asked the cat.
Daniel opened one bright, sea-green eye and then slowly closed it again. I held my phone up in front of my sulky face with both hands.
‘I’ll take that as a no, then.’
Abs was right. I needed to set some ground rules with Adam before I went insane. Telling me we’d talk without putting a specific date in the diary had already driven me over my two glasses of wine on a school night limit, I refused to let this evening end with my face covered in the emergency bar of Galaxy I kept in the back of the fridge.
‘I’ll send him an email,’ I told Daniel Craig, who was happily purring himself to sleep on my belly. ‘I won’t be a dick about it, I’ll just send him an email to let him know what I think and then I’m going to turn off my phone and go to bed.’
Daniel raised his head, meowed loudly and then went back to the serious business of sleeping. I took that to mean he supported my actions.
‘Hey Adam …’ I tapped out the message. ‘No, too casual. Just “Adam”, no “Hey”.’
I corrected the message, squinting at the bright screen above my nose and started again. ‘Adam. Hope you’re OK.’
Daniel yawned.
‘Do we hope he’s OK?’ I asked.
He did not reply.
‘Hope you’re OK. Wanted to clarify some stuff RE: the break. Agree it’s a good idea to think about things but would appreciate some sort of timeframe.’
I stared at the message for a moment. Was I writing to my boyfriend or my bank manager?
‘An email is ridiculous,’ I decided. ‘I’m going to text him. He is still my boyfriend after all. I think.’
Opening my messages, I scrolled down to Adam’s name, finally finding it all the way down at the bottom of my inbox. Usually, we texted constantly, stupid links, sweet messages and there was a certain gif of a St Bernard slapping a man in the face that we’d sent back and forth at least a hundred times but now he was underneath Abi, Cass, David, my mum, my dad, my hairdresser and that man who came round to the surgery trying to sell me pirated DVDs. It felt wrong.
‘Hey,’ I began, poised to write something brief, friendly, clear, to the point, unambiguous and constructive.
Then I hiccupped and deleted it.
‘How is it possible,’ I said, staring at the blank white screen, ‘that I cannot think of anything to say to a man I have talked to every day for the last three years?’
There were a million things to talk about in this world. The weather, the price of bananas, Jon Snow theories, but when it came to Adam, I had less than nothing. I didn’t want to be too formal but I couldn’t be too casual. If I was too jokey he might think I wasn’t upset, but if I was super serious it didn’t feel right. On Monday he was asking my opinion on whether or not I could see his penis through his trousers and by Wednesday I couldn’t say so much as a simple hello.
Leaving my phone on the floor, I sat up slowly and moved Daniel Craig to a cushion at the end of the settee. After one displeased yowl, he rolled over, showing me his belly and tossing his head from side to side. I shrugged myself out of my coat and tickled him until he reared up and nipped my wrist with his sharp little teeth. Cats were so fickle.
‘Just like your dad,’ I told him, staring at my phone and willing him to respond. But I got nothing.
‘Oh, sod him,’ I announced loudly to the living room. ‘Abi’s right. I’m not going to sit here and feel shit while he gives me the silent treatment. As of right now, I will not feel sorry for myself, I am taking control of this situation.’
The cat looked at me, seemingly supportive for a creature that had just bitten me hard enough to draw blood, and waited for me to do something.
‘Only I do feel a bit sorry for myself,’ I admitted quietly.
Adam was everywhere and I didn’t just mean in the framed photos on the wall. I saw him building the cat bed he’d bought for Daniel, puffing up the cushions on the settee before we lay down for a solid night of Netflix. One of my dining chairs was still in the corner of the room from where I’d made him sit and think about what he’d done when he deleted the Downton Christmas special off my Sky+ box in August. I dropped my head between my knees, already regretting that last glass of wine, and saw the unwelcome corner of a secret bridal magazine peeking out from underneath the settee. I pulled it out slowly, the Post-it notes I’d stuck on my favourite dresses rustling.
‘Maybe I feel really sorry for myself,’ I said out loud, turning the pages of the magazine slowly, running my fingers over the beautiful gowns. DC stretched out his back leg until it was touching my knee. He got it.
‘And maybe I could open the Galaxy and just have a little bit.’
Daniel yawned again, cocked his one remaining back leg over his head and began his nightly cat bath.
‘I’ll take that as a yes then,’ I said, heading straight for the fridge, determined not to end another night in tears. I’d never cried so much in one day and that included the time me, Abi and Cass watched Beaches, The Notebook and Titanic all in the same day when we were supposed to be studying. ‘I’d love it if you could stop licking your bum when I’m talking to you. The human Daniel Craig would never do that.’
Or at least I assumed he wouldn’t, but if I’d learned nothing else from the last few days, I at least knew you shouldn’t make assumptions about anything in life.
7 (#ulink_b5e77cd1-8011-51fe-9879-f61dff6e369f)
